Well that escalated quickly.
Sadie arrove. Her time in Taipei was planned to be three weeks. The first week was a lot of orientation and navigating Taipei and each others' intimacies. The second week had us ironing out some . . . inconsistencies?
Amongst our having fun spending time with each other, I met up with her one time with alcohol not quite having dissipated from my system, and she took issue with that and, from my point of view, projected some behaviors on me that to me were not at all inconsistent with how I just am. She brought it up as a problem and we discussed it.
If she has back issues with alcohol, I'm willing to accommodate them. But it is patronizing in a way. I don't think I ever show up perceived "drunk", but if I do show up with the smell of alcohol, I give her the option of postponing our meeting a couple hours until she's comfortable. I take no offense.
Personally, I don't give a shit. Generally I'll allocate a drying out period, but those times we met when she knew I had alcohol in my system were specific circumstances. If she wants me to dry out first, I have no problem with that. But under no circumstance, and I think she knows this, am I going to hide that constant drinking, if not alcoholism, call it alcoholism if you want, I don't care, is part of my being.
It seemed that the issue was big enough for her to state that she would be bailing and returning to San Francisco as planned on the 31st. That was a few days ago. I think now she's reconsidering. Makes little difference to me, truth to tell. If she goes home, that's fine, if she decides to extend, glad to have her around.
None of this is to suggest that there are any problems between us or in our friendship/acquaintance/relationship. I told her if she decided to visit, she should come with no expectations, and she has heeded that. She sometimes pushes me towards something she would prefer me to be, but she's very patient and accommodating when I gently suggest nothing of that sort is going to happen.
I do feel I'm too far gone, and any next step I take will be after a next attempt. But short of that, there's still nothing I want to do, and so far there is nothing life can offer that will make me want to "live out my life". That's not the point of my life, I believe.
It's not despondence, I feel vaguely liberated and free. Definitely not in the realm of enlightenment, but I do feel light being the way I am. Not weighed down by mundane concerns of job, making a living, creating a family and all that bullshit.
But there definitely is a path ahead.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
We held hands. All the way back to her hostel from Danshui.
Sadie took the day off from work and she woke me up in the morning. I bought some time to get myself collected and suggested some things for her to do, to which she was amenable, basically exploring her surrounding area.
She said I was a good teacher, which I like to think I am. A disadvantage of knowing someone on the ground when visiting a foreign country is that when they guide you around, you miss the figuring out where to go on your own.
For me, when learning about a new place, I like to think navigation is an important part of the memory. So when she first arrived, I gave her a paper map orientation, which I assumed wouldn't stick, but I think it's useful for some people to get it in their mind to go between the map and the experience, and they start putting it all together themselves.
Having sent her solo on the MRT yesterday, I suggested that after she did the local exploring that we meet at Taipei Main Station at a certain exit at a certain time, which is generally how it's done in Taipei, and she took the challenge and we met up no problem (she was duly impressed at the effectiveness of using the MRT stations' numbered exits as meeting places).
We walked around and explored the Taipei Main Station area, which is the original downtown area of Taipei and seat of the national government, and is right next to Ximending where we were last night to help conceptualize how Taipei is oriented.
Afterwards, we headed north on the red MRT line with the idea of being at the end of the line in Danshui to watch the sunset and the off-possibility of catching sight of a comet that might possibly be visible.
We stopped in Xinbeitou on the way, about halfway to Danshui, and spent a pleasant afternoon in that area famous for hot springs, and she mentioned that she heard about the hot springs and had brought a bathing suit should that opportunity arise.
Then we headed up to Danshui, but unfortunately even though it was sunny in Taipei and Xinbeitou, by the time we got to the end of the line, the area was socked in by fog. I walked her through Danshui anyway and we settled in for dinner at Alleycats pizza for several hours (she humored my constant craving for western food even though she's eager to try all things local).
Sadie and I have great chemistry. We rarely ever have bad feelings about each other and our dynamics are generally playful, and we range from dead serious conversations about love, life, work, politics, etc., to cracking ourselves up so much that everyone around us looks at us.
Or perhaps another example of our interaction is that if we have nothing to say, we don't. We just look at each other in the eyes. We don't get uncomfortable or awkward. We just know we don't need to say anything. If it looks like we're getting awkward, we make a joke about it getting awkward, and then go right back doing it.
So perhaps I'd describe our dynamics as a mix of serious intensity and rip-roaring laughter. Which in itself creates a certain dynamic. And by the time we were leaving Alleycats, all I did was say something completely silly and arbitrary that had Sadie laughing hysterically and us suddenly holding hands.
It was generally comfortable all the way back down, both of us having a pretty clear idea where each other stands. Although personally the human contact was perplexing. Like when the Borg Queen attaches the human skin, complete with sensation, onto Data in "Star Trek: First Contact".
I put no emotional attachment to the sensation. It's the same with pain or unpleasant things. Like last night was pretty chilly in Ximending and Sadie asked me if I was cold, and I said yes, but it doesn't bother me. Perhaps for other people, they feel cold and they associate it with unpleasant and associate it with an emotional dislike reaction.
I don't do that last step of making a sensation emotional. A sensation of our physical bodies is in general to me just a sensation to be experienced, and not something on which to put an emotional attachment. Nothing whatsoever should be attached to is the philosophic path to enlightenment with which I agree.
A sensation of pain is not necessarily undesirable, sometimes to me it's fascinating and I'll explore it or meditate on it. A sensation of sensuous human touch is, to me, not something that leads to desire.
I'm not sure what the next few weeks will hold. A lot of unknowns. But I'm confident it will be a positive experience without compromising the general state my life is in, which is I just don't want to do anything. Even Sadie brings up things I could do and I try to remind her of the profundity of I just don't want to do anything. There is no desire here.
I am even aware of the implications of our holding hands so soon after her landing. I don't know where things are going to lead, but I have had the thought that Sadie didn't come all this way just to work and hang out.
Sadie took the day off from work and she woke me up in the morning. I bought some time to get myself collected and suggested some things for her to do, to which she was amenable, basically exploring her surrounding area.
She said I was a good teacher, which I like to think I am. A disadvantage of knowing someone on the ground when visiting a foreign country is that when they guide you around, you miss the figuring out where to go on your own.
For me, when learning about a new place, I like to think navigation is an important part of the memory. So when she first arrived, I gave her a paper map orientation, which I assumed wouldn't stick, but I think it's useful for some people to get it in their mind to go between the map and the experience, and they start putting it all together themselves.
Having sent her solo on the MRT yesterday, I suggested that after she did the local exploring that we meet at Taipei Main Station at a certain exit at a certain time, which is generally how it's done in Taipei, and she took the challenge and we met up no problem (she was duly impressed at the effectiveness of using the MRT stations' numbered exits as meeting places).
We walked around and explored the Taipei Main Station area, which is the original downtown area of Taipei and seat of the national government, and is right next to Ximending where we were last night to help conceptualize how Taipei is oriented.
Afterwards, we headed north on the red MRT line with the idea of being at the end of the line in Danshui to watch the sunset and the off-possibility of catching sight of a comet that might possibly be visible.
We stopped in Xinbeitou on the way, about halfway to Danshui, and spent a pleasant afternoon in that area famous for hot springs, and she mentioned that she heard about the hot springs and had brought a bathing suit should that opportunity arise.
Then we headed up to Danshui, but unfortunately even though it was sunny in Taipei and Xinbeitou, by the time we got to the end of the line, the area was socked in by fog. I walked her through Danshui anyway and we settled in for dinner at Alleycats pizza for several hours (she humored my constant craving for western food even though she's eager to try all things local).
Sadie and I have great chemistry. We rarely ever have bad feelings about each other and our dynamics are generally playful, and we range from dead serious conversations about love, life, work, politics, etc., to cracking ourselves up so much that everyone around us looks at us.
Or perhaps another example of our interaction is that if we have nothing to say, we don't. We just look at each other in the eyes. We don't get uncomfortable or awkward. We just know we don't need to say anything. If it looks like we're getting awkward, we make a joke about it getting awkward, and then go right back doing it.
So perhaps I'd describe our dynamics as a mix of serious intensity and rip-roaring laughter. Which in itself creates a certain dynamic. And by the time we were leaving Alleycats, all I did was say something completely silly and arbitrary that had Sadie laughing hysterically and us suddenly holding hands.
It was generally comfortable all the way back down, both of us having a pretty clear idea where each other stands. Although personally the human contact was perplexing. Like when the Borg Queen attaches the human skin, complete with sensation, onto Data in "Star Trek: First Contact".
I put no emotional attachment to the sensation. It's the same with pain or unpleasant things. Like last night was pretty chilly in Ximending and Sadie asked me if I was cold, and I said yes, but it doesn't bother me. Perhaps for other people, they feel cold and they associate it with unpleasant and associate it with an emotional dislike reaction.
I don't do that last step of making a sensation emotional. A sensation of our physical bodies is in general to me just a sensation to be experienced, and not something on which to put an emotional attachment. Nothing whatsoever should be attached to is the philosophic path to enlightenment with which I agree.
A sensation of pain is not necessarily undesirable, sometimes to me it's fascinating and I'll explore it or meditate on it. A sensation of sensuous human touch is, to me, not something that leads to desire.
I'm not sure what the next few weeks will hold. A lot of unknowns. But I'm confident it will be a positive experience without compromising the general state my life is in, which is I just don't want to do anything. Even Sadie brings up things I could do and I try to remind her of the profundity of I just don't want to do anything. There is no desire here.
I am even aware of the implications of our holding hands so soon after her landing. I don't know where things are going to lead, but I have had the thought that Sadie didn't come all this way just to work and hang out.
Monday, March 11, 2013
So Sadie arrived Saturday night and I met her at the airport. She had booked a hotel room for that night, and I navigated her there.
After the one night at a hotel, her plan was to spend some time in hostels to gauge her experience in them here, or opt for short-term private living spaces that can be found online (called airbnb's). Working spaces are apparently an option for people around the globe who work over the internet.
She arrived without a hitch late Saturday. After we took a bus from the Taoyuan International Airport into Taipei, we walked the entire distance from Taipei's regional airport to her hotel, and everything was fine and dandy and great.
She had no expectations and she knew I was wary of her visit and my ability to interact socially, but interacting socially isn't really my problem. It's processing the social interaction.
On Sunday, I helped get her settled in at a hostel and we located a working space she had found online, and I got her oriented with transportation and the general area in which she was staying, which is around Shida, the first general area in which I stayed when I first arrived.
I got her oriented with the Heping East Road corridor and at the end of the day I gave her an easy task – get us back to the hostel from where we were in the Shida night market (I knew it would be easy for her to make sense of even if she made a mistake).
It wasn't meant to torment her, of course, but to be able to navigate independently. If she was right I'd tell her right away, if she was totally wrong I'd tell her right away, but if she was a little wrong and could figure out that it was wrong, I let her figure out it was wrong on her own, maybe pointing out a hint if there was something that would make things clear in her mind.
Today she tried out the working space but got there in the afternoon. We agreed to meet up in the early evening and get some dinner, and afterwards she could try to put some more hours of work in.
Having gotten her comfortable with her immediate surroundings, I suggested venturing further out and getting her to navigate the MRT. She had heard about the toilet bowl restaurant in Ximending and we decided it was a worthy novelty tourist experience, so we decided to go there, a short trip on MRT, and again I tasked her with getting us there, and she managed it just fine.
After we wandered around Ximending and she felt she should go back and try to work, I asked her if she thought she could make it back solo and she was confident and comfortable that she could, so I sent her on her way and hopped on a bus home.
After the one night at a hotel, her plan was to spend some time in hostels to gauge her experience in them here, or opt for short-term private living spaces that can be found online (called airbnb's). Working spaces are apparently an option for people around the globe who work over the internet.
She arrived without a hitch late Saturday. After we took a bus from the Taoyuan International Airport into Taipei, we walked the entire distance from Taipei's regional airport to her hotel, and everything was fine and dandy and great.
She had no expectations and she knew I was wary of her visit and my ability to interact socially, but interacting socially isn't really my problem. It's processing the social interaction.
On Sunday, I helped get her settled in at a hostel and we located a working space she had found online, and I got her oriented with transportation and the general area in which she was staying, which is around Shida, the first general area in which I stayed when I first arrived.
I got her oriented with the Heping East Road corridor and at the end of the day I gave her an easy task – get us back to the hostel from where we were in the Shida night market (I knew it would be easy for her to make sense of even if she made a mistake).
It wasn't meant to torment her, of course, but to be able to navigate independently. If she was right I'd tell her right away, if she was totally wrong I'd tell her right away, but if she was a little wrong and could figure out that it was wrong, I let her figure out it was wrong on her own, maybe pointing out a hint if there was something that would make things clear in her mind.
Today she tried out the working space but got there in the afternoon. We agreed to meet up in the early evening and get some dinner, and afterwards she could try to put some more hours of work in.
Having gotten her comfortable with her immediate surroundings, I suggested venturing further out and getting her to navigate the MRT. She had heard about the toilet bowl restaurant in Ximending and we decided it was a worthy novelty tourist experience, so we decided to go there, a short trip on MRT, and again I tasked her with getting us there, and she managed it just fine.
After we wandered around Ximending and she felt she should go back and try to work, I asked her if she thought she could make it back solo and she was confident and comfortable that she could, so I sent her on her way and hopped on a bus home.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sadie arrived in town. Sadie from San Francisco. Sadie who I haven't seen in almost 9 years. Sadie the last person I saw in San Francisco. She hung out with me the night before I left, after my apartment was empty and all my stuff was sitting in a Ryder truck outside.
I think she asked me at some point back then if there wasn't anything she could've said that could have made me stay. I said no, but she could have, but it was just that the time was wrong.
She asked me recently if it was alright if she visited, and I distinctly, resoundingly didn't say yes.
She has a job where she telecommutes, and she realized she could telecommute from anywhere. So she realized she could travel to places and all she had to do was maintain the discipline to work a 40 hour work week and everything was cool and she could experience living in different places.
I didn't say it would be cool to visit me. I didn't say I wanted her to visit me. I did say she couldn't stay with me, as my apartment is inadequate for that. I did remind her of my current state of social isolation and that there were a lot of unknowns involving me suddenly interacting with people.
I did say that if she happened to decide to come to Taipei as a destination to do her work thing, I would make sure she landed on her feet to do her work thing, and that I would make myself available at every possibility to hang out with her and show her my Taipei.
I honestly didn't think she'd come here. All the signs I was giving should have been construed as warnings. I told her she could come but to have no expectations. And she came with no expectations.
She'll be here for three weeks figuring out her own living situation and work situation, and I'll make myself available for her to have a good experience.
She's an old friend now. I love her like I loved her back in San Francisco, and I'm sure she loves me like she loved me back in San Francisco, but we were only good friends then. Now we're old friends, with that much more comfort and weight to our interactions.
I think we'll generally have a great time. I think she'll generally have a great experience. But I really, really, really want to tell her at some point before she leaves that all I want from life now is to experience death, and bringing faith into the picture, to not come back at all (Buddhism is the faith, but the actual "faith" is in the unknowing whether it's a reasonable projection of what else there is beyond our physical lives and reality).
I really feel done with the human experience (for now, perhaps), and nothing is as disheartening as the idea of reincarnation and going through all of something like this again and hoping to be exposed to and re-learn all the stuff (due to karma) that was so inspiring before to get me on the path.
I think she asked me at some point back then if there wasn't anything she could've said that could have made me stay. I said no, but she could have, but it was just that the time was wrong.
She asked me recently if it was alright if she visited, and I distinctly, resoundingly didn't say yes.
She has a job where she telecommutes, and she realized she could telecommute from anywhere. So she realized she could travel to places and all she had to do was maintain the discipline to work a 40 hour work week and everything was cool and she could experience living in different places.
I didn't say it would be cool to visit me. I didn't say I wanted her to visit me. I did say she couldn't stay with me, as my apartment is inadequate for that. I did remind her of my current state of social isolation and that there were a lot of unknowns involving me suddenly interacting with people.
I did say that if she happened to decide to come to Taipei as a destination to do her work thing, I would make sure she landed on her feet to do her work thing, and that I would make myself available at every possibility to hang out with her and show her my Taipei.
I honestly didn't think she'd come here. All the signs I was giving should have been construed as warnings. I told her she could come but to have no expectations. And she came with no expectations.
She'll be here for three weeks figuring out her own living situation and work situation, and I'll make myself available for her to have a good experience.
She's an old friend now. I love her like I loved her back in San Francisco, and I'm sure she loves me like she loved me back in San Francisco, but we were only good friends then. Now we're old friends, with that much more comfort and weight to our interactions.
I think we'll generally have a great time. I think she'll generally have a great experience. But I really, really, really want to tell her at some point before she leaves that all I want from life now is to experience death, and bringing faith into the picture, to not come back at all (Buddhism is the faith, but the actual "faith" is in the unknowing whether it's a reasonable projection of what else there is beyond our physical lives and reality).
I really feel done with the human experience (for now, perhaps), and nothing is as disheartening as the idea of reincarnation and going through all of something like this again and hoping to be exposed to and re-learn all the stuff (due to karma) that was so inspiring before to get me on the path.
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