Why have people been randomly and meaninglessly contacting me lately? It has nothing to do with the CCP virus, I'm sure, and even less about concern, god forbid, since none has been expressed.

The first was my cousin Audrey who, last I heard, was living in Switzerland. I know nothing about what she's doing now and don't even remember the last time we had contact. Our back-and-forth via Facebook Messenger (which is not communication as far as I'm concerned, but just throwaway chat) was: 

I am back to Taiwan now

How was I to reply to that on a throwaway chat forum? "Good for you"? "Good to know"? "So? Why are you telling me?"? Note the absence, what she's not saying. She's not trying to get my interest, she's giving me no real information, she's not asking anything from me, she's not prompting anything, she's just throwing out a raw fact without any indication what she expects in response to that raw fact. If she used proper grammar "back in Taiwan", I could have just assumed she was just visiting, but "back to Taiwan", if that's what she meant, suggests something more permanent. My response couldn't be much more than her message, that would be rude:

Permanently? lol. 14-day quarantine?

Her: 14 days quarantine 

I gave her no more than she gave me, so perhaps it was appropriate for her to throw nothing back at me. At least we had a meeting of the minds. But she didn't even answer my first question. If she's moved back permanently, that's significant to me and I'd inquire further even if getting information from her would be like pulling teeth. If not, messaging me at all was pointless and she just put an exclamation mark on how unimportant we are to each other. It's possible she didn't understand it. Or as evidenced by her response to emails in the past, it's more likely she didn't even read it. Anyway, I decided to give her a little bit more to see if I could prise why she was contacting me:

Well good, most imported cases are coming from Europe, so just do it. If I had a car I'd visit, but no unnecessary travel these days. Epidemics spread when people move. 

Her response finalized this was a meaningless exchange and ended it right there and then:

Yes

Next was an email from a classmate in my first Mandarin class when I came to Taiwan in 2006. We've only had the sparsest of contacts over the years and have no idea about anything about each other. She sent to me and another classmate who still lives in Taipei: How are you both doing? 

What the hell is that? Is that how kids communicate these days? And she's not even a kid, she's a lawyer the last I heard. And what did she expect in response to an email out of nowhere basically saying: 'Tsup, dude?. In polite company, if I'm contacting someone from whom I haven't heard in a long while and wasn't really that close to in the first place (it was a three-month class and she left early to go to law school), you at least include a greeting (Hey guys,) and you ask some directed question to show your interest (how ya'll doin' with the corona virus), and you say something about yourself to give some context and also something to respond to (I just quit my job, I got married, I have cancer, I'm in *city/country*).

An appropriate response to her email I think would've been Could be better or wazzaaaap, like in the old Bud commercials. Actually 'Tsup, dude? would also have worked appropriately as a response. Instead I waited a few days to see if the other person responded and then deleted the email. That was just rude as far as I was concerned. Mind you, the other person on the email, a French guy, I haven't heard from in years, but if it struck my fancy I'd contact him to get a bite to eat, and likewise if he contacted me to meet up I'd respond accordingly. We've had much more substantive contact in the past and nothing has been lost.

The third person contacting me is pretty much as insubstantial but warranted a polite reply. We hung out for just a short time after meeting way back in 2010 before she moved abroad; it was fun, nothing bad happened, we exchanged music collections on hard drive (which I've mentioned has become a bit of a music listening nightmare, but that she even referenced as a prompt for her message, listening to Pearl Jam that I had given her). I never unfriended her on Facebook. We had a short exchange on Messenger but unlike the previous person it was a proper exchange. It was just random and unnecessary. But nice. And keeps her on the radar. I met her through the aforementioned French guy.

Finally, different from the others, my old Mandarin teacher emailed me. We saw each other just about a year ago when my sister-in-law's sister visited Taiwan in that disastrous meet-up. And of course I'll respond favorably to meeting up with her. There's nothing unusual or meaningless about her contacting me. Finally, someone normal. 

Actually in January, I think my old college friend Madoka tried to engage in an email exchange, perhaps trying to revive something of our old connection, but that failed. I tried to respond appropriately to keep it going, but I think there's just something about the way I communicate or what I communicate that kills it for other people. I have no problem taking all the blame for that.

And my sister-in-law sent an email during the Oscars because of the Korean thing (Parasite won best picture) and we shot a few emails back and forth until I think maybe she realized she's only "supposed" to send me two emails per year at six months intervals and me replying around the middle of those six months. That was the pattern I had observed from a few years back. The exchange we were having seemed like what normal email exchanges are like: an email is sent and if it's something interesting you want to respond to, you do. And that keeps going until it plays out. My sense about our exchange was that she realized she maxxed her quota of emailing me and stopped. I didn't think it was done and even started a draft with something that I thought would be interesting to her, but then that was all. I don't expect to hear from her until next year.

Mind you, I'm not complaining at all. I'm just describing my observations. It's sinking in that I'm really not all that likable in any respect, and I'm not trying to be likable or reaching out. My Mandarin teacher even wrote "If you don't mind hanging out with people", indicating that even to her my countenance expresses I don't want to hang out with people. That French guy probably feels the same. I would hang out with them, I just don't communicate that to them, so no fault to them.

WordsCharactersReading time

My cousin called me the other night and we talked for an hour and a half. We hadn't connected since she last called sometime earlier in the year, maybe March when she was living in Arizona.

My landlord is her uncle, and a few weeks ago he needed to come into my room for some work to be done and I asked him about Audrey. He surprised me with news that she had moved to Switzerland.

I was duly surprised. Maybe part of me was a little disappointed that she made such a major life decision to move from Sedona to Switzerland and never once was I on her mind to tell me about it. But to be truly disappointed, I would have to presume that I had some importance to her, and being important to anyone is antithetical to my being, so it was easy to just let it go.

Apparently I would have known about the move if we were connected on Facebook, but in the interim of our connections, I had unfriended both her and my old friend Madoka. I unfriended them as a reaction to people with whom I wanted more substantial communications. If they wanted to communicate with me, then communicate with me.

As far as I'm concerned, Facebook is for superficial contact with people with whom I would otherwise not be in contact. It's not for people from whom I expect more personal, direct communications. I realize no one thinks like this.

Facebook is a primary contact for many people. It doesn't matter if posts, likes and replies become a matter of committee between total strangers. It doesn't matter that a post wasn't meant personally for you and any number of replies are also not meant for you or by people who know absolutely nothing about you, and any reply you make goes to everyone who weren't intended as recipients.

It took about six months for Madoka to realize we were no longer friends and she sent me a message and I duly re-friended her. She didn't get it, but I felt re-friending was the only course of action to make my initial unfriending her not be passive-aggressive. It wasn't. It was hoping for something, and it didn't happen.

I still don't read her FB posts and our communications continue to be superficial and not at all a dialogue. Positive, but not dialogue. Theoretically, we continue to profess being important to each other; practically it's lip service. Well, no, we mean it, but the manifestation in our interaction doesn't live up to it. It's like going to church on Sundays and that being all for spiritual commitment.

Audrey never realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. After her uncle told me she moved to Switzerland, I sent a one-sentence e-mail to her telling her that I learned from her uncle about the move and wished her the best.

She sent a short (but longer than mine) email back saying it's all on Facebook. She still didn't realize we were no longer friends on FB, and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't and decided to just let it go. Whatever.

Then she called the other night, a couple weeks after I didn't respond, and we talked for an hour and a half.

What's the take away? Well, we don't matter to each other in an attached sense. We're not keeping tabs on each other, concerned for what's happening in each other's daily lives. It's Buddhistic non-attachment perhaps. It doesn't mean we don't care. We care, we just don't matter.

For her, things matter. Her kids, her father, whoever or whatever else matter. I don't, which is great. I don't want to matter.

And nothing matters much to me. That's also great, I don't want things to matter. I don't have kids, I don't have family who matter. I don't keep tabs on them, they don't keep tabs on me. Whatever happens to them and whatever happens to me is just news to each other. There's no involvement. There's nothing we could do if either side knew any more than we do about each other.

I don't know what issues they're dealing with and there's no indication they want my input on anything. That would be mattering.

And they don't know I'm an alcoholic and ignore how big of a problem insomnia is, but regardless, I don't want their input on those things. That would be mattering.

If you want to matter, you have to stick your nose in someone else's business. If you want other people to matter, you have let them stick their nose into your business. Caring is fine, but caring without action isn't mattering.

Me, my cousin, my family, we all care for each other. We just don't matter. There's no judgment in this, it's just fact.

the nature of my closest relations, part 2

Madoka:
August 28; 11:25 AM:
Hello Koji. Just wanted to say hello and thank you and I love you. love, madoka

Me:
August 28; 3:55 PM:
I love you, too!! I sometimes meditate on that love and it brings comfort in the storm of existence and thoughts. You're wonderful and often in my thoughts.

Her:
August 31; 6:34 PM:
Hi Koji, I just returned from 3 days at a zen temple and am now seeing your message. The temple was good. If that love brings some comfort, that makes me happy. You're wonderful and very special.

Me:
September 1; 2:50 AM:
I'm glad you had a good retreat. Reminds of the best times at Deer Park. Which then leads to why I left, but that's another story, nevermind, keep doing good!

Her:
September 1; 7:42 AM:
The temple I go to has a live-in dormitory for lay people. I've thought about moving there, but haven't due to a couple rules I'm not ready to follow. You have to commit to living there for 6 months (which would be ok), but you have to return every night by 9pm and cannot spend nights elsewhere. This would make it impossible for me to attend my meditation teacher's retreats and Friday night classes. So, I don't live there. But I really like the people there. I don't particularly enjoy the retreats, as my ankles and knees always start screaming after the 1st day, making thinking about my koans close to impossible, but even still, I feel something peeling away every time, so I go. Glad your pinky is doing better. love you, madoka

Me:
September 3; 1:56 AM:
I guess perhaps everywhere has its rules for their own reasons and you just have to make your own choices. Why are you experiencing pain when you're like a yoda master. I mean yoga master. Like a yoga yoda. If it's interfering, can't you just change to a simpler, non-painful position?

Her:
September 3; 6:55 AM:
Haven't quite got to the yoda level I actually don't do yoga asana that much. I hardly teach it anymore either. And I do change into a simpler position, but after the 2nd day, any cross legged position hurts. I think my hips, quads and ankles are tight...so, maybe I should do more asana. I actually started jogging on occasion because I need to lose weight. ha ha.

Me:
September 4; 2:54 AM:
Hm, that's not right. You mentioned pain before on retreat but I thought you were exercising hyperbole and humility(!). So even Burmese position is painful. Do they have and allow meditation stools in Japan? They're available in some U.S. meditation centers and take lode off of legs in cross-legged positions by raising center of gravity. In extreme cases, some places, including Deer Park, allow for sitting in chairs albeit not ideal. Otherwise, do you have a strategy in targeting and identifying the pain and dealing with the source? When my left Achilles tendon tore a week after joining a gym (on your birthday if I recall) and then the right one was proving to be weak, I enjoyed the challenge of figuring out a regimen of recovery and strengthening. After over 3 months, today I did my first 5K at an OK pace without a brace. So when you sit, in what position is it theoretically completely comfortable for the entire retreat? Also, when pain occurs, where is the pressure coming from and what alleviates it? Physical pain can be a distraction from mental focus, so this is pretty important. Don't just endure it. Also, have you identified a point when you realize physical therapy might be needed? Like my pinky still hurts, but it was an extreme bruise so I'm giving it a little leeway. But I am aware that if pain persists, I'll have to consider nerve damage, meaning having to figure out the whole annoying doctor thing. love always!

Her:
September 6; 3:14 PM:
Hi Koji, Thanks for the questions. If I am in so much pain that I cannot stand it, I can ask for a stool, but at this point, I think I would have to have an injury, since I've made it through without a stool for the past 5 years. They don't allow Burmese position at the temple I go to. I should probably do a more rigorous physical program to increase flexibility in my hips. One of my friends from zazen is a physical therapist...maybe I'll ask her for some suggestions too. It is kind of ironic for a yoga teacher to have this much trouble sitting...but I guess when it comes to the physical practice, I am on the negligent side. That is changing a bit though...recently the stagnation in my body and mind are clearing up a bit, and I'm moving more.

I don't think I know a position that would be theoretically comfortable for the whole retreat... I have to go now, but maybe I'll take a look at this a little more closely later. love, madoka

Me:
September 9; 1:54 AM:

OK, I see. So the pain for the past five years hasn't been so bad. Minimal to no mental distraction, able to keep reasonable meditative focus (not that I know what that is). Pain? What pain?
I'm perplexed by a lot of what you said, but I trust your approach to your experience and am hesitant to question it.
I'm not as tough as you. Whatever pain I feel I try to identify it and strategize how to deal with it (without involving doctors, of course). I'm also not as humble as you, a lot more arrogant and self-cherishing. Like I would have nothing to do with a monastery that discriminated against sitting positions or would only allow for stools if an injury were involved. That's too much emphasis on form and a lack of compassion and loving-kindness for my tastes (my interpretation). Your enduring the pain may indicate non-attachment to it? Very high level?
But maybe it wouldn't hurt to consult the physical therapist and be proactive about dealing with the pain. Mind and body connection. The physical pain energy may be connected to or sympathetic with some mental energy. Listen to yourself. love you

Her:
September 12; 10:41 AM:
 I can't say the pain is minimal to no mental distraction. It's quite a distraction. I don't know if it is because I am a wimp, or because it is actually that painful. But I do get distracted. The temple I go to is probably among the more strict for laypeople. The way I see it is, their rules are not so that we focus on form, but so that we let go of all the preconceived notions we have about wanting to do things our own way, or the way we think is better...and it allows for people to stop thinking about form when form is predetermined. But, if I need to relax my legs and loosen the position, I don't get hit with a stick. I haven't felt that they are being unreasonable. I don't know if my enduring the pain is high level...it's more like resignation? Every time I go to the temple, it gets a little bit easier. But just a bit. ha ha.
But, I agree, it wouldn't hurt to consult a physical therapist. It may be related to something mental/emotional too, but I haven't quite figured that out yet.
love, madoka

Me:
September 15; 12:55 AM:
Hm, so you're not at so high a level? That's a bit of a disappointment. Rare for you. But everyone should disappoint every once in a while. I'm workin' on it. (that's all totally a joke, mind you).

Truth to tell I'm at a loss for words at your description of the temple and rules. Yea, I'm not even going to go there. Not my business. Except to say, for myself, that I'm fairly confident that my own way that I think is better for me, preconceived or ego-driven or not, is decidedly better than whatever their way is (even if their way was to immediately transport me to enlightenment). Go fig (also may be why I'm not a monk nor have a master). But if their way agrees with your way, I have no comment or criticism. (this is all totally not a joke, just to be clear).

To the main subject matter, pain is subjective; not about being a wimp. I don't know if this is anything, if it's nothing just throw it away, but after what you said about the pain and that it is a distraction, what I would theoretically suggest to someone is to stop being distracted by the pain and make it the focus of meditation (already I think that's going wrong with you since you're supposed to be focusing on your koan). But I would tell a theoretical person to make friends with the pain, concentrate on it, treat it with loving-kindness, get comfortable with it, offer it tea. You're supposed to be focusing on your koan, but you can't because the pain is calling your attention, so say, 'ok, you want my attention, I'm going to give you attention and sit here with you and figure out why you're here when you're not supposed to be'. Get to know it, all the nuances and angles of how the pain feels as a sensation; even displace the pain and imagine what it would feel like in other parts of your body. Important, though, is to not associate it as "bad". Don't attach to it or be averse to it as something bad. Just focus on the pain as a sensation without judgment. All the while consulting the physical therapist and dealing with the source rather than just enduring it.

The temple may say that I'm full of shit. So be it. I am a little constipated.
much love, koji

Haven't heard from her since, and I suppose that's the end of our communications as well, as my last message was not intended to have this much time pass for a response. If she hasn't responded yet, she doesn't intend to respond. And if it was a phone conversation, she hung up on me because she didn't wish to continue the conversation. If she does respond, it better be very well measured.

We're certainly not on the same page anymore. Her last message screamed "cult". One of the most strict for laypeople? Their rules are meant for people to let go of preconceived notions of doing things any other way but their own? Their way allows for not thinking about form when it's pre-determined . . . but replaces it with their own idea of form? She doesn't feel that they are being unreasonable. So not allowing for positions that would make sitting meditation easier and painless is reasonable.

Zero hits to this blog since I changed the url! That's success in my book. All of the usual web searches from before still go to the old url, dead blog. It's kinda liberating. I've been feeling this blog has lost the plot, that it's come off the rails, that its wheels have left the road. It's like a conversation with myself that's been lost.

Acquaintances, friends are ongoing conversations. What and how you communicate with different people is sourced in previous conversations and interactions. It's hard to be motivated to instigate contact with people when that conversation is gone or has been disrupted: I think of trying to write to Sadie, Madoka or Delphine, but the conversation between us is just not there. The last thing they said to me doesn't inspire response and any contact would have to be a cold start.

I did meet up with both my cousin Audrey and my old Mandarin teacher recently within a two week period. It's much easier to reestablish a conversation in person. Audrey recently went through a crisis with an end result that she is separating from her husband and taking her kids and moving to California. When she first called to tell me what happened, we couldn't establish a conversation. We couldn't close the distance that way.

My Mandarin teacher also contacted me with an emergency regarding a situation with her Master's program and asked to get together. Although I don't think the urgency was essential to the conversation as was it being in-person to discuss a situation.

I guess the pattern suggests the long-distance conversation is out. The nature of my relationship with people is that there is too much to "not get" over distance. On the "getting" part, Sadie, Madoka and Delphine all don't. And I don't give a crap. That's not a negative not giving a crap, I'm not judging nor have any feeling about it. That's just observation of the way it is.

I guess it's possible to meet up with someone in person and still miss successfully having a "conversation", but my relationship with my cousin and teacher are substantive enough that if we're sitting across from another, it's pretty easy.

Fortunately, I'd say, too.

email to a friend

Hey Madoka,
Thank me? I'm still thanking you for finally getting on the path. I always thought it was right for you, but it had to happen when you were ripe to start on it. I might say it's a little late, but actually it's not at all and I have a feeling you're going to be a formidable and nurturing teacher in years, hopefully decades, to come. Not me, though, that's not my path.

You're actually not lazy. Maybe you know what you're doing moment to moment and may think you're lazy, you feel you're lazy and that you're not doing enough, but the diligence is in the mind, and I can point right at your own message by your immediate reaction to the Kawasakis that your diligence is already there and deep within you. That's the diligence required and what they're talking about. It's the same diligence towards compassion that you felt when you saw "Schindler's List".

If you feel you need to connect your actions to it, that's fine and dandy to work on. But I'll take it a little farther and point out that actions aren't always necessary. With some people, their diligence comes out just from their very being, and you're one of them. If you can just accept that, get calm with it, keep practicing, and you will naturally offer the acts benefiting people on your path. Mind you, I'm not saying the path is easy, just be better at discerning the easy parts from the difficult. And who knows?, once you do that, you might find the difficult stuff a breeze!

And don't beat yourself up over bodhisattva "vows". In Thich Nhat Hanh's tradition, we don't call them vows, but rather "mindfulness trainings". A lot of people have hang-ups over the word "vow", and if you break them, you've failed or are a sinner, and that's not the point of them. If everyone who took the vows could keep the vows, there's no reason to take them.

That's why TNH changed them to mindfulness trainings, we keep trainings, not "vows". When we come across a situation where we think we're going against the training, we're mindful about it. And if we do it anyway, the training is still there and becomes stronger hopefully for the next time we encounter it. But we don't berate ourselves for breaking a vow whereby we lose it. I'm just suggesting there's no reason to be apprehensive about the word "vow". Some people need that strict discipline/punishment aspect of a vow, but others can be more flexible according to their position. You don't need the discipline/punishment aspect. For you the "vow" is an inspiration, perhaps, or a guide.

I don't know what the implication of "vow" is in Japan, but if you think there's value in this, maybe you can discuss it with other people and your teacher and see what they say and decide for yourself.

I've always considered you on the bodhisattva path. I think a book you may come across eventually is Shantideva's "Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life". It can be found online but I bought the Padmakara translation which was considered the best translation and commentary some years back. It's a daunting and elusive work, and I by no means get it, which just means I'm not ready for it and I should keep trying to go back to it. I guess it'll reach you if and when the time is right.

The bodhisattva path is a distinct "branch" or path of Buddhism, but I would argue it's not requisite to Buddhism. I think it is the right path for you because of your strong inclination to alleviate suffering. That's a hallmark of the bodhisattva path, I think. Call it karma, call it a calling. There may be aspects of the bodhisattva ideal that runs through all the other paths, but acting on the ideal is not requisite.

I think of myself as a "rogue" Buddhist, if I consider myself a Buddhist at all, and I've been getting some affirmation from writings by younger Tibetan lamas. One book I found was "Rebel Buddha", and that felt good because he was affirming that there isn't an orthodoxy. But that book is really basic and was telling something new to a general audience, but it wasn't all that new to me so I just skimmed it. Another book was "What Makes You NOT a Buddhist?" which was written by a Nepalese lama/filmmaker who did "The Cup" and "Travellers and Magicians", which I saw at the S.F. film festival, and just by being a filmmaker, he's a "rebel" Buddhist! That was a good book for me because he articulated some things in a new way for me that resonated.

A Thai friend I met in Taiwan also gave me a book that's more orthodox called "Heartwood from the Bo Tree" by a Theravadan Thai teacher, and I agree with him that the most basic idea to cultivate that is relevant to all paths of Buddhism that the Buddha directly taught is that "nothing whatsoever should be attached to". I agree that whatever path anyone is on, nothing whatsoever should be attached to and it's important to examine one's path to make sure you understand how it applies. The trick is that certain paths appeal to us and attract us because of who we are in the physical dimension, but it's still important not to be attached to them or anything about them on an ultimate level.

I'm going on and on like I have something to tell you, but like I said, I'm not saying anything like I think you don't already know, so if you want to go on and on about something, feel free.

love my teacher (um, that's you) always,
koji

I have no tag for "friends"

Delphine was a good friend.

Sadie was a close friend.

The person who just visited is not a friend, but an acquaintance from back home.

Blah, blah, blah. I was legally trained, so everything has to be defined and categorized. These aren't meant to be judgments on the people, just a defining of who they are in relation to me in an overly anal manner that no one else does.

Intended to define how far away I keep people beyond "arm's length".

Actually, my defining of friends was largely inspired by a song by Stephen Sondheim, "Old Friends", from his musical "Merrily We Roll Along", which although is now a fan favorite, it was a commercial disaster, running on Broadway for only 2 weeks. 

Part of the brilliance of the musical, although perhaps also a contributing point towards its failure by confusing the audience, is that it moves backwards in time. And by moving backwards in time, that's how the musical arrives at its happy ending, because the musical starts with the friendship of the three principal characters in tatters. But moving backwards in time, we get warm and fuzzies with the youthful characters looking forward to their lives and all the potential they had having just graduated.

And earlier in the musical is the song "Old Friends", which juxtaposes "old friends" with "good friends" (Good friends point out your lies/Whereas old friends live and let live/Good friends like and advise/Whereas old friends love and forgive), whereas later in the musical when they are younger, there's a song with a reprise of "Old Friends" (preprise?), but they exclusively refer to each other as "good friends" that they're "still good friends/nothing can kill good friends".

So old friends are the best that there is. They've been in your life so long that they tend to become old habit. And everything else keeps changing, but old friends get continued next week. They're the ones you don't have to explain yourself to and who you forgive more easily than family.

Madoka is an old friend. I still haven't replied to her email, but she friended me on Facebook and I accepted, but we haven't made any contact there, either. But once we start making contact, all should be more or less fine. If we don't, it's still fine.

Nobuko is an old friend. Unlike with Madoka, we've had a big falling out, but then got reconnected after a few years and since then we haven't been in constant contact, but we're always there if the other calls, I shouldn't wonder.

Old friends take each other as they are. There aren't expectations anymore.

Sadie is not an old friend. She was a close friend. We're currently not talking because we still have expectations and get pissed off when they aren't met. We've had at least one breakage before because of that.

She once used this blog as ammunition against me and I chased her away from this blog, and I still use that as ammunition against her. That was years ago.

But she graduated from being a good friend and became a close friend because we really enjoyed each other's company, made each other laugh, helped each other out, casually called each other, called each other to come out and play, felt comfortable discussing all sorts of things – just about nothing was taboo.

We psychoanalyzed each other and still enjoyed each other's company.

And I miss her when we're not talking or even when we are talking. The problem with close friends is that you want more. I wanted more from her. I think she wanted more from me. And neither of us was giving it. It still gets complicated with close friends, not so much with old friends. You still love your close friends, though.

Delphine was a good friend. She didn't become a close friend because there were still points of contention in our conversations that we couldn't get through. Many of the criteria of a good friend are the same as close friends, but lacking the intimacy of when you connect well with someone else and just get them.

Lisa and Chris, band members in San Francisco, I think are old friends. Just from the band experience, they skip over the good friend/close friend stages, because we regularly spent so much time together, worked together, strove together, and through it all I got to know them really well.

Then after the band broke up, I didn't think much of them. I didn't think much of the band. It was only after reconnecting years later I realized that I appreciated what I had gotten to know about them so well, that they are very caring human beings.

I realize now I would really love it if I were back in the Bay Area hanging out with them. I don't know if they hang out with each other much, but I would be trying to get us all together whenever possible. Maybe. I would be a much better friend to them now, and they never turned their backs on me or judged me when I wasn't such a good friend; I was very standoffish. Stealth old friends.

Anita was a friend I met early in my time in San Francisco, but despite the amount of time we knew each other, she only got as far as close friend.

We met in a theater group and eventually determined that I knew her brother from college. I remember she was wearing an Oberlin shirt one day and I said, surprised, "Hey, where did you get that shirt?!" "My brother went to Oberlin". Then after retrieving her last name from my memory banks, I said, ". . . You're Neal's sister?!" (Indian last names tended to stand out back then). That was a great starting moment for us.

November 3, 1996 - Anita with her Oberlin "People Becoming Fish" t-shirt. Negative unflipped so the words are discernable.

Anita was great, I loved hanging out with her. She was a pot-smoking, howl-at-the-moon, rogue attorney who was doing everything she could to not practice law. She had a killer CD collection that I would have totally raided doggy-style had the iPod been invented back then.

She was the one who got me my job at the law firm when her best friend Ritu moved to the Bay Area. I don't think our friendship lasted much longer after Ritu melted down and killed herself. We never got our old rhythm back. Sometimes people change their ways. And sometimes stories end that way.

But Most friends fade or they don't make the grade/New ones are quickly made/And in a pinch, sure, they'll do, or Some of them worth something, too. I've had friends in Taiwan. Hyun Ae was just a friend. Pierre's a friend. They are moments. They don't span time. Then there are acquaintances. Co-workers. Ex-coworkers. Internet friends (you never know when they're gonna disappear). Language exchanges. Family . . .

Hey, old friend, how do we stay "old friends"

Who is to say, old friends, how an old friendship survives?

One day chums having a laugh a minute

One day comes and they're a part of your lives

where I am (I: Isolation)

This is where I've landed my life. What I mentioned before as the result of decisions I've made, the experiences I've had and how I've processed them, the attitude with which I've lived my life, blah, blah, blah, naturally landed me where I am now.

I guess the biggest thing is the utter isolation, no friends, no loved ones, no family, no confidants, few acquaintances. I chase people away, I run away and hide myself. There is no one I consider a friend. I'm a notorious "unfriender" on Facebook. It hasn't always been this way.

Madoka's a mystery. Our relationship started losing steam actually quite a long while ago; towards the beginning of this blog it turns out. I always trusted that it was a momentary skid and it would recover to its former intimacy. It hasn't. It fell into years of no contact, then a recent re-kindling of contact, but no connection.

Then in response to her inquiry into what I described as my "next bold move" (cue Ani DiFranco), I told her what was up in as clear a way as possible without using the word "suicide" (I'll go into that soon and let you decide for yourself (whoops, nope, looks like that email got deleted)), and I got no reaction, no request for clarification, ignored.

Then she went silent again for the past several months, and I thought that was the end of that, but then she emailed recently and I just have no motivation to respond. It was a totally superficial email – hi, how are you? this is what I'm doing, this is what the next few weeks look like.

Sadie was my last friend in San Francisco. We fell out of touch for several years for some reason, then found each other again in email and Facebook contact, and then she told me she had Hepatitis C and might need a liver transplant. I responded with as much support and empathy as I could conjure, which apparently didn't impress and I never heard back from her. End.

Those were the last friendships that could be considered to have been anything. The people I know in Taiwan don't mean anything and are nothing. I can count 5 people right off who always say "Let's get together", but when it comes time to get together, nothing happens. All talk.

Edit: To be fair, an old French classmate who has returned to Taiwan is an exception, as is my old Mandarin teacher, with whom I've started to meet again for language exchange.

There's a ring of extended family who are useless to me and nothing. I'm polite to them, I get along with them, I even love my aunt and uncle, but I project nothing about anything underneath the politeness and formality.

The undercurrent in all this is that I have no more need for human relations. There's nothing anyone could do for me and I have nothing to ask of them. They show no interest in me, and I have no motivation to beg interest.

The idea of a romantic relationship is so gone out of my reality that I don't think of the people around me as romantic people, as people desiring and searching for romantic contact. It's simple fact that no one could possibly find anything attractive in me.

The most recent thing was Hyun Ae, and I read back what I wrote about her, and I'm willing to admit that I was in love with her. I did fall in love with her and enjoyed her presence and company like no one since perhaps Amina. But I would never have gotten into a relationship with her even if she reciprocated, and there were signs of possible reciprocation. But part of what I loved about her was her inaccessibility, and if she did become accessible, I would not have pursued that.

And here's the disclosure: I haven't gone out with anyone since Josephine. We broke up in November 1998. 12 years. More than an entire decade of my life. In my entire working history, in my entire band history, in the entire time most people have known me, I couldn't be associated romantically with someone else.

Can you even imagine that? It's not human to not be in a relationship for that length of time. That's not supposed to happen to a reasonably social being, which I was, without any major hangups or defects, which I was. At some point, someone to whom I send out signals should respond positively, or someone will send signals towards me to which I would respond.

This is not a drought. It's not natural and it's a personal fact. And karmically, it's one that I welcome. Romantic relationships are done. I don't even know what they are anymore and I hope that gets carried over karmically into my next life. No interest.

And where I am is no mistake, either. Isolated here in Taipei where no one has access to me. I run through scenarios in my mind of how things might unfold if I happened to disappear, and it could take months before it becomes clear that something's wrong.

My landlord would be the first to notice, and he would send out inquiries to my cousin, and she would ask her father, and he would ask my mother, but no one would have access to any information, no one would be able to do anything or get any concrete information and it would just get passed off for more weeks of people wondering, waiting to see if I turn up.

Months. You disappear and it's months before bells are ringing loud enough that anyone really tries to do anything or find out some actual information.

More later on where I am now. And where I've been.

I passed on my first social engagement last night. Proud of myself for having done so. I'm not here to make friends or be social. I'm here to figure things out.

I was tempted to go, but then reminded myself of all the empty social engagements I had hope for in San Francisco. What would be the point of going to dinner with these classmates I don't know and don't know me and their friends. English wouldn't have been the common language either, so I would have been way on the outside, as my Japanese is beyond lost.

I'm starting to have trouble with Mandarin as well, and we're only in the 4th week. I suck at languages. I can test well, I can do languages if it's a matter of analysis and figuring things out. But as a matter of communication, as a matter of expression, as a matter of spontaneity, I've never been able to get a grasp on another language.

I'll keep trying, though. Trying hard to not let it get me down.

I've been wanting to email Madoka for a while now, but it has come to feel that she would have a more accurate picture of me if I just didn't write. That's the way it is here, too. As soon as I let some information out, it's inaccurate because of all the information it leaves out.

I went to law school. Right there, everything implied about me in that bit of information is wrong. It's the same with anything else that can be said about me. That's how unconnected I've become. I haven't figured out if it bothers me yet. It might be great.

But doesn't help in regard to writing to Madoka. Whether I gloss things over superficially or am brutally honest, whatever I imagine to say to her turns inaccurate in a few sentences. Anyway, I can't shake the feeling that if I just didn't write, it just wouldn't make any difference.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Pumping On Your Stereo (Supergrass)
2. I Shall Scream ("Oliver")
3. He Is, She Is (live) (Mission of Burma)
4. Hold On ("Secret Garden")
5. Capriccio Italien (Tchaikovsky)
6. Wonder Wonder (Edith Frost)
7. Stand (Sly & the Family Stone)
8. The Absence of God (Rilo Kiley)
9. I'm No Heroine (Ani DiFranco)
10. Wake Up (XTC)

Uh, so let's see...2005: feeling sorry for myself.

January: transition month from monastery to Taiwan via New Jersey.
February-March: Taiwan.
April: transition month back to monastery via New Jersey and San Francisco.
May-July: monastery.
July-December: loser me in loser New Jersey, doing absolutely nothing, reaching new lows. Even killing myself would've been doing something, but I even accepted that I wasn't even going to do that.

2006: continue doing what I don't want to do, by definition, because there is nothing that I do want to do. Anything I end up doing, I don't want to be doing, just because it is doing something.

Madoka sent an eCard on Christmas. She stopped substantive communications a couple years ago, and all my efforts to make a connection went ignored. She hasn't emailed since early November, and I've accepted that everything is different between us, and there just isn't anything left. I will reply, but not with much.

Audrey sent a one line happy new year email. She effectively stopped communicating in October with no explanation, when everything was seemingly going really well between us. Her communications since then, including this one, has suggested that she is cutting contact, and I accept. I won't reply.

As I said, this is just feeling sorry for myself. It is neither reality nor my reality. Cut me some slack, I skipped sitting this morning. Yes, 2006 will be much better. Happy New Years.

current soundtrack: last 10 songs shuffled on iTunes
1. Welcome to the Terrordome (Public Enemy)
2. I Deserve It (Madonna)
3. Here is No Why (Smashing Pumpkins)
4. The Great Escape/The Last of You/Fallin' From the Moon (Marillion)
5. The Nest That Sailed the Sky (Peter Gabriel)
6. The Continental Way (Casiopea)
7. 5:11 A.M. (The Moment of Clarity) (Roger Waters)
8. Don't Start (Too Late) (Black Sabbath)
9. Celluloid Heroes (The Kinks)
10. Senses Working Overtime (XTC)

It sucks going through old photographs and seeing someone and wanting to reach out to and say "hi" because of all those memories you shared together, but you can't because you just cut contact with her.

It sucks cutting contact with someone and coming across an old photograph of her, and realizing that you've both changed and the old feeling isn't there anymore and communications have become frustrated and strained.

It sucks not being able to cut contact with someone because you're waiting for her to contact you so you can cut contact with her.


July 23, 1997 - a lighter moment at the Burmese Refugee Camp

I give up. I won't commit suicide. Doesn't mean, though, that I can't keep hoping for, and meditating on, an untimely demise. But now I go on with my life, defeated, triumphant, dejected, happy. Keep practicing, keep following my heart, keep trying to open it up, keep trying to let it go.


July 25, 1997

Kaohsiung, Taiwan

I spent a lot of energy during my trip to Japan musing about Madoka's spiritual state, hoping to give her some encouragement to get out of her rut and some balance in her life. When I got back to Taiwan, I started to spend a lot of energy musing about my cousin's spiritual state, hoping to give her some encouragement to gain some balance, if not peace in her life or her method.

I didn't think of it as energy expenditure until Madoka mentioned it that way in an email. It totally changed the dynamic of what I thought I was doing. I didn't think I was helping them, I don't have anything to offer to help them in their situations, but I did think I was benignly putting out suggestions, one of which might have resonated and been useful to them.

When she described it as "energy", I realized it wasn't benign. I wasn't just floating ideas by like leaves on a stream for them to take or leave. I was shining annoying light into their faces, I was radiating unwanted heat.

So I realized that all that musing was for myself, not for them at all. And with that realization, I thought, "oh, I'm done". I got what I wanted out of it and didn't need to think about their situations anymore. So I'm stopping and getting along with my own life and problems.

Sheesh, who did I think I was after years of virtual absence from both their lives to think I had any clue to offer or suggest them anything? In retrospect, I feel it must have been annoying for Madoka for me to go on and on about nothing I knew anything about. I don't think I reached the point of annoyance with my cousin, who is a lot more tolerant of me and who doesn't need to focus on me while I'm here the way Madoka did.

It's all learning, and naturally it was Madoka who taught me. With ten times more stress in her life than I have in mine, she can still teach me more than I could ever hope to teach her, pouring out my vast wisdom and knowledge, and all she did was make a pithy observation. It doesn't matter whether she was trying to or not, and it's not clear that she wasn't.

Kaohsiung, Taiwan

Who am I kidding? Angry at either Madoka or my cousin for not being present in my life these past years? Not. Truth to tell, as I look at both of their lives now and notice parallels (more due to my perception than actual similarities), I can't say I could have been engaged in either of their difficulties as they were happening.

Would I even have wanted them to be involved in my own struggles leading to the monastery? With my own difficulty being honest with myself and the games I play with myself, who am I kidding? I can barely convince myself that it matters to them whether I'm here or not. Not that it matters.

Any divide is appropriate, and if things revert back after I head back to the U.S., that's OK, too. The important thing was that things were very cool with Madoka while I was visiting in Tokyo, and things are cool with my cousin as I'm visiting here. My stay here is limited and I must maintain my commitment to investigate monastic aspirancy.

The thing is . . . I'm not sure I want to go back to the monastery. When I think about it, I feel disheartened. Then I think I'm supposed to be disheartened, this is right. When I first got there in October, I expected things to get ugly and difficult, and things got ugly and difficult. By the time I left for hiatus, I was filled with negativity that I knew couldn't be right – it was me.

If it's right, I must stay on track and investigate it further, let it get uglier, immerse myself in it. Besides, when I think of not continuing monastic aspirancy, then what? What the hell, there is nothing else. The only thing left is this journey, this investigation. It's either monastery or investigating the death betweens.

How wonderful it would be to die. Drawing cards, suicide comes up every once in a while. Something came up, but it wasn't suicide this time. It was just dying. The card didn't say it's time to push the suicide thing again, it just said 'dying'. I'm not sure what that even means.

Taipei, Taiwan en route back to Kaohsiung
Frick. Falling down the shaft, breaking through each trap door, down another level. I left Japan a day early for no other reason than I could. If Madoka said she wanted me to stay the extra day and leave on my originally scheduled flight, I would have stayed. If she said she preferred that I stay, I would have stayed. But she just said that I was welcome to stay, and no hard feelings if I decided to leave early, so I took that as neutral desire for me to stay, either way fine.

Coming back to Taiwan, my cousin is very stressed out and could use my presence to help her out with the kids and daily routine. And Japan was cold. And Madoka and I weren't really getting anywhere, and I knew that my departure would probably jar things enough to get our discussion into more substantial space.

Leaving Japan and returning to Taiwan, I felt anger and anxiety. Returning to Taiwan, I still don't know what I'm doing, but I know I'm one step closer to going back to the monastery, and I'm still conflicted about that, even though I know I'll be fine once I'm there. There's that feeling that I'll be missing something, that something was left undone.

Anger at Madoka for feeling close to her, for connecting with her, for thinking our friendship has a history, but where the hell has she been in the past two years? Why do I know nothing about what's going on in her life, or where she's been, or where she's going, or where she is at any given moment? It wasn't lack of interest on my part. I don't know what she thinks or feels or intends, but from my point of view, I'm not important to her, I'm not significant in her life, and what happens to me doesn't matter to her. From my point of view.

Anger at my cousin for feeling close to her, for connecting with her, for thinking that our friendship has a history, but where the hell has she been in the past however many years? I'm at the monastic aspirant stage of my life, but both of these people had no idea how I got here or what I'm doing here. They weren't around when I was struggling with the issues. I can't care what either of them think about it. And they know they have no influence on what I decide, even though they might have. They might have helped. It's not like I didn't want it; someone I trusted to give me an opinion and why. Fantasy.

Japan was so lovely. It felt like home. Nagasaki was a great city and I fell in love with it. Kyoto didn't like me. The feeling is mutual. I've gotten used to Tokyo and like it now, mind-blowing megapolis.

After I decided to change my flight, Madoka and I started talking. She's a spiritual enigma. She's a way advanced being, way beyond me, a true bodhisattva, but she's forgotten something, some foundation, and as she dedicates her life to selflessly helping others and making the world a better place, she struggles to be more selfish while at the same time feeling she's too selfish. There is evidence both ways. She needs to take better care of herself, but it's not like she doesn't take care of herself. No stereotype fits, no spiritual diagnosis or prescription fits.

She needs to connect with something basic, and maybe that is where I come in, since I'm still working on the basics, the mechanics to be more giving and selfless and working to help others in the far-distant future. She's coming back from the other direction.

But we never really engaged. I felt I was skipping a handful of pebbles across a pond to get something to resonate with her. I was throwing out every little suggestion of what I thought might be going on with her, expecting much of it was wrong since I don't know who she is anymore. And I got very little feedback. The only thing she gave me feedback on was my very basic, elementary suggestion that she keep sitting, keep meditating. All my theories and metaphors and examples were hot air. She latched onto the most basic, practical thing. She's very advanced.

And she didn't need me to tell her that. She doesn't need me to tell her anything. If I didn't need to renew my visa, I wouldn't have come to Japan, she wouldn't have any idea where I was or what I was doing. So there. She's important to me. Just not my life.

Kyoto, Japan

Wow, one should always try logging on with a wireless ethernet wherever one goes. On my last morning in my room in a hostel, I got onto a connection, much to my surprise.

I'm leaving Kyoto today, taking the Shinkansen for Nagasaki and do some exploring there just because I've never been there. I'll be there for the same amount of time as Kyoto, and then I'll head back up to Tokyo for the weekend.

I flew into Tokyo last Thursday to visit Madoka, and the next day, I spent the entire day with her at an Immigration Detention Center, aiding a Karen refugee from Burma in getting a provisional release. Freedom. Restricted, provisional freedom, but freedom nonetheless. Being a refugee in an Immigration Detention Center is akin to being in prison.

I won't go into the horrible truth about Burma, or the horrible conditions refugees endure, even once they've made it to another country like Japan, but let's just say this is what I can expect whenever I visit Madoka. I know her work is priority for her over just about anything else, so I just go with the flow and stay out of her way.

She's getting better about work consuming her life, and on Sunday she made time to go with me to Kamakura to visit some temples, but when I left on Monday to come to Kyoto, I'm sure she had to face up to a pile of work.

One full day in Kyoto was hardly enough, but I've been here before in 1992 and 1995, and maybe in 1983 but don't remember. I visited Hiroshima in 1992 with Shiho, so now I figure I'll make a pilgrimage to the only other place on earth that was victim of an intentional nuclear attack.

Kaohsiung, Taiwan

To my parents, everything is about finances, and right now I'm a gamble, a risky investment.

I'm not a product. They didn't go to a store and put down some money knowing exactly what they were going to get and what to expect. That was my upbringing. They put in money to raise a child, and a child was raised.

Now they're pumping in money with a hope, but no guarantee that they will get what they hope for. Despite what they told me to my face, they didn't even try to hide it from other people that they don't want me to enter a monastery. Now they're pumping money into completely unrelated schemes that will magically make me not enter a monastery.

I try to make sense of it as I book a flight to Japan, not even thinking about the cost or shopping around. Buy a Japan Rail Pass. Book two nights at a guesthouse in Kyoto; other nights that I'm not staying with Madoka in Tokyo may be in random cities across Japan as I make use of the unlimited travel on the Shinkansen from the Rail Pass.

Spend, spend, spend, all charged to them, and the justification and refusal of guilt comes from reminding myself that this is their investment. They're paying for a chance that something will come up and I won't enter the monastery, and willing roulette ball that I am, I roll and roll, where the wheel stops, nobody knows.

I fully intend to end up back at the monastery. They lose. There's Madoka, but although I think there have always been feelings between us, and I've occasionally thought and wondered about us, we have a history of nothing happening. Nothing short of a dam breaking open would change anything, and the dam on my side is pretty sturdy.

I want to be back at the monastery by the time the monastics return in mid-April. If I stayed in Taiwan into April, I would need to leave the country again to renew my visa again. Also my parents are supposed to be here at the end of March/beginning of April and I wouldn't want to be here at the same time as them. Too weird.

I sent out a change of email address email last week. Most of the people on the list probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't informed them, but there were some surprises.

Most notably, Pasha happens to be in the U.S. and will be in New York on Thursday. I'll do what I can to meet up with him, although it being the day before I leave, it may not be wise. Pasha was one of my best friends in college and we fell out of touch for 8 or 9 years. His memory is incredible, but his information on me is outdated. He still thinks I can't stand my parents, and that's just a completely different reality now.

Madoka and I shot several short emails back and forth, maybe more than we have over the entire past year; certainly more substance. Our relationship has changed and I don't think we're special to each other anymore and that's settling in as the new norm.

Before, we always addressed each other in emails, always signed our emails, and always preceded the signature with an affectionate. It might seem formal, but I did it because she was exceptionally special. It was letter-like, and letters will always be superior to email.

I don't know why she did it, and maybe she did it with everyone. For me, it didn't feel appropriate anymore, so eventually I didn't bother with any of those conventions and sent her quick and easy responses, no addressing, no signature, no affectionate. Who knows? It might improve our relationship, but I doubt it. There's not much left to improve at this point. And it's fine as is.

intimacy:
I haven't responded to Madoka's email from over two months ago. With the loss of all my emails in the computer crash, it's even easier to just ignore it and be comfortable in our communications having been non-substantive and relatively superficial for more than a year now.

I wonder how things may have been different if I had made some effort to be closer to her through the years. Say, "Dammit, yer my best friend and I'll move to wherever you are if I can't coerce you to move where I am". But it was not meant to be, and truth to tell, I can't even imagine it. Still, I wonder if she might have been an anchor for me in some way. It would have been nice to have someone around who was more enlightened than me.

In a surprise move, however, I did finally call Sadie, who, as pathetic as it was, was my closest friend in my waning years in San Francisco. One of the last things she said before I left SF was wondering if she could have done anything to make me stay. In hindsight, I'm wondering, too. But no, there was nothing she could do, me being way down the totem pole of her friends; a principle reason for why it was so pathetic that she was one of my closest friends.

Nothing new. Tracking high tides. Why are places taking so long to do stuff? I took in negatives to the photo store for reprints and it took them two days. I took my bike in for maintenance and it's gonna take two days. Stretching time out. Postponements.

I gotta give notice on my apartment at the end of this month. I got called for jury duty the first week of June. Finally. I hope I get an interesting case, I hope I don't get booted by one side or the other for having a law degree.

I got an email from Madoka. The turnaround was unusually quick and the tone was unusually affectionate. If it were a year ago, I wouldn't think twice, but at this point it's a little suspicious. The thing is, there is nothing to be suspicious about Madoka. No hidden agenda, nothing to watch out for. The fact that I can't explain the last year changes only very little.

It doesn't matter anymore anyways. Nothing does. And I can't explain anything about my entire life for the last 10 years; not being able to explain one year of one person in my life is really nothing.

It's so quiet in here.

It's been a while since I read about someone in the online community dying. It's always so sad, even if it's someone you don't know. It's always so moving to read people's reactions; to read how the deceased meant something to other people. I haven't been able to find mention of how that person died. I find it curious when people report a death, but don't mention how. What does that mean when they don't?

I've been following two other weblogs of people who have experienced suicide of close relations, and the concept is central to their weblogs. I don't link them because I might be offensive to them. I don't think they would accept anything I say about suicide.

Why am I different? Not that anyone believes that I'm gonna commit suicide. Even I don't have any reason to believe I'm gonna do it unless I get up and walk out the door right now. Right now. I said, right now. See? I ain't gonna do it. But I am different. The reasons are mine alone. It's no one else's business, no one has the fucking right to know.

The stars are so bright through the roof of the trees.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. And I didn't have my coffee until later in the day. I didn't know it would take two days to tune up my bike so I walked from the Haight to Civic Center. I'm still coughing and I just got cough drops tonight. I'm in my ninth hour of hiccups and I'm exhausted and worn. I feel lucky if my hiccups last less than 18 hours. I get Xtreme hiccups.

Egad, I wish I would stop writing entries like the last one. How many times have I written something like that before. It's like I'm repeating myself over and over again. It's like I'm repeating myself over and over again.

I've been going through email exchanges with Madoka over the past year, wondering if claiming to "drop" her was justified. First of all, all that meant was lowering my emotional investment in her to match what I've been getting feeling from her. Second of all, no, it wasn't justified. Not yet.

The pattern indicating that things have changed may be traced to more than a year ago, but indicators that really furrowed my brow only go back to November, and that's not long enough to establish a pattern showing that the nature of our friendship has changed. We've been through worse. Given the chance, we'll go through better.

Going back for more than a year and including since November, yes, lowering my emotional investment is warranted*. I know what I'm sensing, I'm not crazy or being overly-dramatic (anymore). It's unilateral and from her side, she won't notice anything. I know I'm just as theoretically "important" to her as before, but there's a huge break in the connection. It's appropriate that she doesn't notice any change, because we can bounce back at any time, and any negativity caused by my whining about our friendship would be moot, and therefore not worth it.

* ok, ok, I'm aware that I defined "dropping" as lowering emotional investment and that it was not justified in the first paragraph, but then I'm saying that lowering emotional investment is warranted in the second paragraph. deal with it, you're adults. - ed.