I've been re-reading "John's 'WTF? I've got cancer?' Blog" for a second time through. My methodology this time (instead of reading by month) was to start at the first entry and then click and read individual posts in sequence, and when I stop reading I'd bookmark the next entry for where to start the next time. His Blogger template is one where links change color after they're clicked, making it easy to know where I'd left off in the archives/entries list on the right. 

The first time I read the blog, it was a first impression thing and I think I made observations that probably don't hold up. Maybe I was nit-picking critical and making unfounded assessments that I'm not feeling this time (except the lack of editing, especially when he writes something had been edited). But if I was unfairly judgy it was probably because of an observation I did make before, which is that a lot of what I read in his personality resonated as being a lot like me. He was hitting too close to home. John, in some aspects, was me. And that bugged me (guess I'm not unique).

I think I made the unfair observation before that maybe he wasn't all that popular or likeable? He got a cat that avoided him far longer than the time it usually takes an adopted pet to adapt (kitty don't like you, holmes*). If I did make any such assessment, that is truly cringe-worthy since I'm very much at the bottom of any barrel of likeability. I'm in no one's consideration to even contact which I think is a fair measure of whether people like you or not.  

* My theory is that animals and babies don't lie. If they don't like you, i.e., you're unlikeable, they'll let you know. They can sense your dark clouds. That's why I stay away from people's pets and babies lest they call out and confirm my unlikeability. The closest I have is a robot vacuum cleaner that hates my guts and never goes where I want it to go or it comes right at me when I'm not looking, the fucker.

It's nice to read it for what it is without being judgy and I'm getting more nuances this time, recognizing when he's covering up freaking out or melting down, and he doesn't always try to cover it up. I probably got how funny he could be as his sense of humor is similar to mine (I'd be surprised if I didn't mention that before), and I still appreciate it. 

More prominent in my reading is the sense that I'm reading the thoughts of someone who is doomed. His uncertainty as to when and moments of hope are profound in light of the terminal diagnosis with a fairly absolute cap on how long he can be expected to live in the best of scenarios. But when hope peeked through, he jumped on the hope. He seemed to be a pessimistic skeptic, but willing to latch onto unlikely hope when it happened to manifest. He wanted to live. 

And he continued to live as much as possible despite being doomed and despite the misery of treatment. He continued to travel and worked on a bucket list. He still engaged with people and worked on projects like fixing up his condo when he could've just said screw this, what's the point? 

Actually it seems that he was cherry-picking his treatment to minimize the misery, even if that meant the treatment was less effectual (advantage: cancer). And even though he declined treatment that would be debilitating or would be so miserable that he couldn't enjoy what little life was left for him to enjoy . . . what he describes still seems pretty miserable to me. It was a very fine line he was delineating. I wouldn't be willing to go through even what he went through. 

I wonder if there are people who wouldn't be willing to go through even what I'm going through. People for whom my life and issues might be purely mental health issues and wouldn't suffer the idiotic, flimsy mind games I play with myself to keep living. They might have taken life more seriously than I do and ended this kind of miserable life long ago as I should have, except . . . I want to live. Don't get me wrong, I also do want to die, I view it as a great adventure that awaits, as moving on. I would even say I'm looking forward to it. But I'm still here, so logically, if not obviously, I want to live; my ego-self is still attached to my life despite how illusory and fleeting I know it is. My life isn't miserable, it's profound! (my god, did he really just say that?😧😒😲)

I also view my life as doomed since I still haven't gone to the bank to try adding funds and still don't plan to. I haven't panicked yet despite seeing the finite and dwindling amount of money I physically have left (actually less than I thought since the remainder is US$ that I have to convert and it just so happens that the NT$ is currently at record strength against the US$, so compared to any other time in history I'm getting the least amount of NT for every dollar I convert. Coincidence?! . . . I think not). However, realizing viscerally what it means I do sometimes feel my gut tighten and a dark cloud in my head and at least briefly question my constitution. Actually I think the amount of time I have left is comparable to the time John had left after totally giving up on treatment. 

I'm not projecting anything as definite. I obviously don't know what I might end up doing. As I've said, I just don't know myself that well. The evidence of my life is that I'll try to continue on, but I've always had the money to continue on. This is the first time the money is really coming to an end. This is looming. It's dire, but it's also great. It's by design, mind you; this is exactly how it was supposed to happen if I didn't end my life in the ideal way, without external pressure. 

Doomed, John slogged on until he couldn't. What else is he supposed to do? Same here, just no travel on my agenda. Forget riding a bike around the island. Not even revisiting old haunts and places I've been to in the Taipei area that surely may have changed. I hear they've started construction on a bridge across the mouth of the Danshui River, an incredible project that I would have thought unthinkable. That's a bridge I'll never cross. I have no bucket list. Suicide is my bucket list. No adopting a cat, I'm allergic anyway. Daily cat YouTube videos, though. 

Hm. I guess this is a follow-up to my previous post. I responded to my former Mandarin teacher and we met up for an afternoon at a Starbucks. We met wearing masks, but abandoned them once we sat down. Seating is restricted in public places with seats marked off as not to be used to enforce social distancing, but we managed to snag a table just as other people were leaving. We discussed the current CCP virus situation and compared notes and she was impressed by how on top of the information I was, which gave me reassurance that the English-language news I'm getting is accurately mirroring what's in the Taiwanese press. And actually most English-language news is merely translated from local reports; they mostly don't have their own reporters in the field. 

We reflected on how we're in one of the safest places to be in the world, thanks to quick thinking and action by the government and fundamental mistrust of anything the Chinese Communist Party says (assumption that they're lying is just as fundamental as any intelligent American assuming Trump has no idea what he's talking about or doing (ironically, except about China)). One thing Taiwan is missing out on is reports of cleaner air and waterways and nature re-asserting itself once disruptive human activity is curtailed. Our traffic, noise and air pollution is for most part the same as usual.

We agreed that the government hasn't been absolutely 100% PERFECT with two slip-ups that could've gotten out of control and we were just lucky they didn't. In early April, Taiwan has a tomb-sweeping holiday where people are supposed to go to the graves of their ancestors and clean them up and pay respects (remembering both where you came from and where you're going, maybe). Social distancing went out the door and the government wasn't fervent enough about telling people to be vigilant and there was a public worry that asymptomatic cases could have been spread during all that contact.

The second was a navy vessel returning from a mission and it turned out there was an outbreak onboard with sailors allowed into the general population without proper quarantine upon arrival. The government quickly gathered information on all the places every sailor went throughout the country and created a map of hotspots that they released to the public, informing them if they had been at those places at certain times, they needed to monitor their health for any sign of the CCP virus. Every contact that any of the sailors had, numbering in the thousands, were contacted and instructed to self-quarantine. As the military should have heightened responsibility, appropriate reprimands were issued (actually I think the defense minister requested to be reprimanded).

To date, only sailors aboard the ship have been confirmed with the CCP virus, 31 in all bumping the total number of cases in Taiwan to 429. Since no one in the general public appears to have contracted it from them, I consider the navy case a closed system, and the number of cases in Taiwan to reasonably be considered 398, under an artificial benchmark of 400. 

I mentioned I didn't expect to hear from my sister-in-law until next year, but she sent one of her usual emails and it was substantive enough that it will take several months for me to respond, putting our correspondence back on its twice-a-year schedule.

And out of the blue, my second oldest brother, the one who seems to want nothing to do with us, or me at least, but will act appropriately when he has to, sent me a YouTube video that his son made of himself playing a violin trio by/with himself. My brother had mentioned he was learning bassoon, but never mentioned violin. I will respond appropriately with genuine praise and appreciation of the performance, but what may be interesting is this is the first time anyone has shown interest in me showing interest in the kids. Obviously if I show no interest in the kids, I have no right to complain about any of their lack of communication with me. Their kids are their lives, and if I show no interest in the kids, I don't deserve any attention. 

Before this, neither of my brothers or the aforesaid sister-in-law nor my cousin Audrey have tried to interest or prompt me about their children. Quite the opposite, whereas parents would seem to want to brag about their kids and involve relatives in their lives, I've gotten nothing from them about their kids. Audrey is especially egregious since she knows how much I love her children, but they've totally forgotten who I am and the last time I saw them they couldn't even acknowledge having known me. It isn't missed on me that no one has provided updates on the kids for me to respond to. Or it may be me. Similar to how I've given the impression to people I know in Taipei that I don't want to hang out, I may have projected to them that I have no interest in their kids, even though I've always responded to any news they gave about them. Bottom line, I'm not complaining, no fault to them. Things just are as they are, and of course there's my credo not to be something to someone and then disappear, which is my perpetual end-game. 

Finally, what I said about that French guy, I recently discovered a place selling Vietnamese banh mi sandwiches. Vietnam, of course, was once a French colony and banh mi sandwiches famously use French bread and the quality of the sandwich depends on the quality of the bread (i.e., requires a French person's seal of approval). I know my friend appreciates banh mi so I shot him an out-of-the-blue email about the place and he responded that he would be going there the next day with his family, describing his infant daughter as a French bread monster. He suggested meeting up for lunch sometime soon, and per what I said in my last post, I guess I have to accept.

Why have people been randomly and meaninglessly contacting me lately? It has nothing to do with the CCP virus, I'm sure, and even less about concern, god forbid, since none has been expressed.

The first was my cousin Audrey who, last I heard, was living in Switzerland. I know nothing about what she's doing now and don't even remember the last time we had contact. Our back-and-forth via Facebook Messenger (which is not communication as far as I'm concerned, but just throwaway chat) was: 

I am back to Taiwan now

How was I to reply to that on a throwaway chat forum? "Good for you"? "Good to know"? "So? Why are you telling me?"? Note the absence, what she's not saying. She's not trying to get my interest, she's giving me no real information, she's not asking anything from me, she's not prompting anything, she's just throwing out a raw fact without any indication what she expects in response to that raw fact. If she used proper grammar "back in Taiwan", I could have just assumed she was just visiting, but "back to Taiwan", if that's what she meant, suggests something more permanent. My response couldn't be much more than her message, that would be rude:

Permanently? lol. 14-day quarantine?

Her: 14 days quarantine 

I gave her no more than she gave me, so perhaps it was appropriate for her to throw nothing back at me. At least we had a meeting of the minds. But she didn't even answer my first question. If she's moved back permanently, that's significant to me and I'd inquire further even if getting information from her would be like pulling teeth. If not, messaging me at all was pointless and she just put an exclamation mark on how unimportant we are to each other. It's possible she didn't understand it. Or as evidenced by her response to emails in the past, it's more likely she didn't even read it. Anyway, I decided to give her a little bit more to see if I could prise why she was contacting me:

Well good, most imported cases are coming from Europe, so just do it. If I had a car I'd visit, but no unnecessary travel these days. Epidemics spread when people move. 

Her response finalized this was a meaningless exchange and ended it right there and then:

Yes

Next was an email from a classmate in my first Mandarin class when I came to Taiwan in 2006. We've only had the sparsest of contacts over the years and have no idea about anything about each other. She sent to me and another classmate who still lives in Taipei: How are you both doing? 

What the hell is that? Is that how kids communicate these days? And she's not even a kid, she's a lawyer the last I heard. And what did she expect in response to an email out of nowhere basically saying: 'Tsup, dude?. In polite company, if I'm contacting someone from whom I haven't heard in a long while and wasn't really that close to in the first place (it was a three-month class and she left early to go to law school), you at least include a greeting (Hey guys,) and you ask some directed question to show your interest (how ya'll doin' with the corona virus), and you say something about yourself to give some context and also something to respond to (I just quit my job, I got married, I have cancer, I'm in *city/country*).

An appropriate response to her email I think would've been Could be better or wazzaaaap, like in the old Bud commercials. Actually 'Tsup, dude? would also have worked appropriately as a response. Instead I waited a few days to see if the other person responded and then deleted the email. That was just rude as far as I was concerned. Mind you, the other person on the email, a French guy, I haven't heard from in years, but if it struck my fancy I'd contact him to get a bite to eat, and likewise if he contacted me to meet up I'd respond accordingly. We've had much more substantive contact in the past and nothing has been lost.

The third person contacting me is pretty much as insubstantial but warranted a polite reply. We hung out for just a short time after meeting way back in 2010 before she moved abroad; it was fun, nothing bad happened, we exchanged music collections on hard drive (which I've mentioned has become a bit of a music listening nightmare, but that she even referenced as a prompt for her message, listening to Pearl Jam that I had given her). I never unfriended her on Facebook. We had a short exchange on Messenger but unlike the previous person it was a proper exchange. It was just random and unnecessary. But nice. And keeps her on the radar. I met her through the aforementioned French guy.

Finally, different from the others, my old Mandarin teacher emailed me. We saw each other just about a year ago when my sister-in-law's sister visited Taiwan in that disastrous meet-up. And of course I'll respond favorably to meeting up with her. There's nothing unusual or meaningless about her contacting me. Finally, someone normal. 

Actually in January, I think my old college friend Madoka tried to engage in an email exchange, perhaps trying to revive something of our old connection, but that failed. I tried to respond appropriately to keep it going, but I think there's just something about the way I communicate or what I communicate that kills it for other people. I have no problem taking all the blame for that.

And my sister-in-law sent an email during the Oscars because of the Korean thing (Parasite won best picture) and we shot a few emails back and forth until I think maybe she realized she's only "supposed" to send me two emails per year at six months intervals and me replying around the middle of those six months. That was the pattern I had observed from a few years back. The exchange we were having seemed like what normal email exchanges are like: an email is sent and if it's something interesting you want to respond to, you do. And that keeps going until it plays out. My sense about our exchange was that she realized she maxxed her quota of emailing me and stopped. I didn't think it was done and even started a draft with something that I thought would be interesting to her, but then that was all. I don't expect to hear from her until next year.

Mind you, I'm not complaining at all. I'm just describing my observations. It's sinking in that I'm really not all that likable in any respect, and I'm not trying to be likable or reaching out. My Mandarin teacher even wrote "If you don't mind hanging out with people", indicating that even to her my countenance expresses I don't want to hang out with people. That French guy probably feels the same. I would hang out with them, I just don't communicate that to them, so no fault to them.

WordsCharactersReading time

It's the third day of the Lunar New Year that I've spent in a wonderful solitude. With everyone else living on this floor gone, I've felt a bit more like a hermit. Even though I usually avoid contact with them and have no idea what they even look like, I'm always aware of them when they're around as I can hear their comings and goings. The first three days are the official holiday, and days four to six are when things start getting back to normal. It's possible everyone will remain gone until Wednesday, it's possible they might start floating back tomorrow. I'll know when they return because I will hear them.

My mother was in town last weekend for several days. She had been on a cruise, disembarking in Singapore, and flew to Taipei for a few days before flying back to the U.S. My uncle came up from Kaohsiung to spend time with her. I think his thinking may have been that they're getting old, no one knows when will be the last time they see each other, so take advantage of every opportunity to meet up. Neither of them I figure for being sentimental types, but it's possible. I don't know him that well really. She's definitely not. She said she came to see me, but the truth is we can only stand each other for a few hours at a time so maybe she did ask him to come up. She still thinks I'm working so I always have an excuse to bail, and true to her own work ethic, she would never prioritize herself over someone else's job.

On her last day here (she was flying out in the afternoon), she expected to meet up with me at lunch and initially said that my uncle wouldn't be with us because his son, my cousin Gary, was flying in that morning from mainland China for Lunar New Year and so he would meet up with him and they'd go directly to Kaohsiung by HSR. I had to brace for one more excruciating lunch without his buffer. 

But then prior to that, I realized that didn't make sense. Gary was flying into the airport that my mother was flying out of later that day and they weren't going to meet up? My mother doesn't give a rat's ass – not the sentimental type, I said – but Gary has something like an overblown sense of responsibility and family decorum almost to a fault. In his mind, if there was a chance to meet his aunt (who sat at the table of honor at his wedding), even if only for a few hours, he was going to make it happen. Turns out I was right and when I arrived at the hotel, my uncle was still there and Gary and his 10 year old son were on their way from the airport by MRT to Taipei for us to have lunch before they departed for Kaohsiung, my mother to the airport, and me . . . to "work", of course. I didn't even have time to accompany them to the airport.

There was some discomfort as to why I wasn't going to Kaohsiung for New Years until I came up with the excuse that I had already volunteered to work over the holiday since I was basically a foreigner and the Lunar New Year didn't mean as much to me. I'm a terrible liar, and of course when you start lying you have to back it up, and I hadn't prepped myself for Gary (whose English is decent) to get inquisitive about my job and my having to make things up on the spot, particularly difficult since The China Post went under as a physical paper many years ago (it may still be online, but if it is it's no longer a major news player in Taiwan).  

But there really was no way I would go to Kaohsiung for the holiday. As has happened before, whenever I'm placed in an extended family setting I have to keep my mouth shut. If I selfishly open my mouth to say something, whatever conversation had been going on had to stop and focus on me, the only English-only speaker. I prefer to consider myself persona non grata. I haven't heard from Gary's sister, Audrey, any time recently. I have no idea where she lives now nor whether she's flying in for the New Year, and if she has no expectation of meeting up with me, then really no one does or even should. 

As far as family is concerned, all is as should be. My sister-in-law and I used to email each other twice a year but she didn't at all last year. Doesn't mean she won't, but I ain't expecting anything. I did send that birthday greeting to my brother in July and he responded, but proper form between us meant that was all – greeting and response, it wasn't supposed to be a communication or continued exchange. 

Sometimes I think I just have to face that these people just don't like me, lol! And there's no reason for them to like me, I give them no reason to think I want them to like me. Theoretically I know I can contact anyone at any time about whatever, but my principle of don't be something to someone and then disappear prevents, since my disappearing is always an option or an intention, even if not likely or immediately manifesting. What's their excuse for not contacting me? Maybe I'm lacking in imagination, but the foremost reason is they don't wanna because they just don't like me, lol! Why would you contact someone you don't like? Why wouldn't you contact someone you like and haven't heard from in years?

I know relationships are complicated and this line of thinking is totally faulty. I have friends I've been out of contact for years and nothing is preventing me from saying 'hi', but I don't. Saying 'hi' isn't being something to someone, it's just saying 'hi'. I can say 'hi' and kill myself the next day and it would just be what it would be. No different with family. You just expect them to be there merrily rolling along. No one knows when will be the last time they see each other, so there's no reason to think there won't be a next time.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2019,1:54 p.m. - They day I found out The Living Mall had died closed.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2019, 3:13 p.m. - Sanmin Branch Taipei Public Library, 6th fl. photostitch.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2019, 3:03 p.m. - Through a window on a side street.

3:23 p.m. - The dead Living Mall from the southeast side, access fenced up. It kinda resembles the Jawa sandcrawlers on this side. Total coincident that the sphere on the other side looks like the Death Star.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2019, 2:55 p.m. - Temple on Ba De Rd.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 1:43 p.m. - And all the crap on the plaza outside The Living Mall that obscured appreciation of the architecture.

I don't know why, but for the past few weeks I'd been thinking about sending my second older brother a birthday greeting email this year. He's the one who has de facto cut contact, whatever that means. I don't know if it's just with me or if it's the same with other family members, meaning he won't contact them first, but will respond appropriately if contacted. He'll behave appropriately if they visit, but only visits them in the course of going somewhere else. Maybe he never calls them to chat. Maybe he does? Does his family make family visits just to visit (the distance is from Philly to NY)? I just don't know, I have no idea what their relationship is. I only know that I'm persona non grata. And that's it, I don't know the reason or the feeling behind it or if even there is a feeling behind it or just a cold decision he made that he'll be courteous if I happen to be present (physically or electronically), but otherwise he wants nothing to do with me.

But since I "just don't know", maybe I'm not being fair in making any uninformed assessment just based on what it sorta kinda looks like feels like to me. I don't know what he actually thinks. And after all, he is the brother I've said has complete immunity in whatever he does in regard to me, I will always consider him . . . positively. I'll always say he was a good older brother. That goes with my oldest brother now, too. 

<real time>OK, I sent the damn birthday greeting email</real time>

Writing all that above made me say 'just send the damn birthday greeting while it's still his birthday over there' (hour'n half left). But now I'm gonna continue this post and regret sending it, because the assumption when starting this post was that I didn't send him the greeting and go on about why. 

But now there's no more point to this post since I sent the greeting; that changes everything. I was gonna mention my old idea of don't be something to someone when you're considering removing yourself being here permanently. The way things are going I'll be around for at least the next 500 years, but my everyday is always asking and looking for when and why not now.

I was gonna mention that our status is actually such that we can drop an email out of the blue and it wouldn't be a stunner. And now that I've sent the greeting, no, he won't be stunned by it. He may or may not reply to it. I'm guessing he'll neither be pleased nor displeased by it. It just is what it is. If he wants to respond, he will; if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. Full immunity, he can do no wrong. 

I was gonna mention that his birthday occurs during the Tour de France and he's a true cycling buff, so I could mention the tour in the email and it wouldn't be awkward just saying happy birthday and other generic pleasantries about the weather. And I did write briefly about the tour since there have been fireworks to get excited about.

That's so funny how I started this post with a good idea of where it would go, but then once the central assumption disappeared midway, I'm having trouble remembering what I was going to write about. Story of my life? Par for the course? Cliché?

I don't know why, but for the past few weeks I'd been thinking about sending my second older brother a birthday greeting email this year. But even while considering it, I knew I wouldn't actually send it. It was just good intentions; an exercise in sibling relations that in recent years might reasonably be described as "estranged" or "non-existent". My oldest brother and I still send obligatory birthday greetings, although this year he didn't even respond to mine with the obligatory thanks, the wife and kids and the weather are fine. My second oldest brother, we haven't at all in years. 

I think maybe I was considering it in more of a "because I can" way, that whatever frost, if one can call it that, has descended upon our siblingship, it's not of the nature that neither of us couldn't drop a random birthday greeting any year it dawned on us to do so. It was a mental exercise in potential and possibility; when you think of doing something you don't ordinarily do and can think of dozens of reasons why not, but then do it because . . . why not? It's a left turn, and my life paradigm when I was much younger was "always take the left turn". The left turn is the unknown, the adventure, the risk. Going straight is safe and boring, predictable. 

But that's potential, this is reality, and reality says don't send it; there's nothing wrong with safe, boring and predictable. There's no actual, active relationship between us. What would I be doing or saying by breaking radio silence and sending it? Hey, I'm here? Hey, I've been thinking about you? Neither of us cares about that sorta shit and might lead to further unexpected, unwanted consequences and communications. And besides, my current life purpose is to land all of my relations exactly where ours is, why would I mess with that? If I manage to commit suicide, people should have to wonder when was the last time they heard from me, and that's supposed to be the primary descriptive of our relationship.

Whatever, I'm just gonna send the damn birthday greeting email.

April has always been an uneasy month for some reason or another. Early on, years and years, decades ago, it was existential, neurotic, psychological stuff or something. That's all faded away with age, mindfulness practice and ultimately no one caring, but April still seems the time when ripples occur. Now that just means minor disruptions in days that are otherwise all mine to decide what to do, defined only by my neurotic impulse to impose some structure on my daily routine.

April last year, the disruption was being called to Kaohsiung for some family business, and that was the first time out of Taipei for me since my father died in November 2016. Since then I haven't ventured outside of Taipei except for a couple of instances when my mother passed through town and I went to meet her for a couple hours near the airport, the maximum amount of time we can stand being with each other.

Earlier this month, it was my sister-in-law's older sister who came into town. For some unknown reason, she asked me if I wanted anything from the States. Twice. We're not that close. We never were. Well, we were cordial which would justify the offer, but we've been totally out of contact for quite some time, including unanswered emails, which could be construed as less than cordial. I ignored the offer the first time thinking she was just being cordial and just responded favorably to her visit and my willingness to be available, but after the second time I wondered maybe if I shouldn't ask for some things to communicate that we're good to the point that I could ask for things. Without the second offer, I definitely wouldn't have asked for anything.

So I made a few modest requests that were intentionally aimed to be of no, that is to say ZERO, inconvenience to her. Things that I didn't need at all, but brands that are personal preferences that I don't have here, and she wouldn't really even notice in her luggage. Rite-Aid lens cleaner, Q-tip brand cotton swabs, Advil, a box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese. She asked what size for those items and I low-ended the sizes so they wouldn't take up room in her luggage. And I also suggested that she could ask her sister, with whom I'm much closer, to pick them up during a Target run, since I think she goes pretty often since she has four kids and all.

Where it started going wrong is when she asked me to meet her at the airport hotel in the morning after her arrival just to pick up the stuff, before she and her dad were to catch the 10:30 High Speed Rail to southern Taiwan. We had an exchange of short, increasingly tense emails over the course of a few days where we clearly were not having a meeting of minds. She would state times and places to meet, and I would respond with the unlikelihood of my being able to meet her demanded time frames. There was never any sense of 'OK great, I'll see you there'. In my last email before I turned off my computer the night before, after she had already landed and was at her hotel, I told her I would go and try to get there in time before her 10:30 HSR. I had already done my best to convey the unlikely-to-impossible scenario of my getting there in time in hopes that she would just concede and say I could get the stuff when she arrived in Taipei a week later.

It irked me because she was making me travel three hours round-trip to the Taoyuan HSR station for a hand-over of a small package that I knew was not likely to happen. She never mentioned willingness to take a later train, which at most was an hour later, for a train ride that would take only about an hour anyway.

As it happened, I arrived at the HSR station at precisely 10:34, but I wandered about for 20 minutes looking for her in hopes that something changed in her plans or she decided to take a later train. I think we were probably both incensed. I couldn't believe she took her train even though she knew I was coming all that way, and she couldn't believe I couldn't get there in time (despite my constant reservations that I would be able to).

What she didn't communicate at any point until it was too late was that it wasn't a small package, and that's why she wanted to get it off her hands. In my last email, in which I was hoping to convey frustration at her insistence that I go against all odds that we would be able to meet, I think I asked, almost sarcastically, how big was the package anyway? I assumed it was small, because that's what I intended.

It turns out that she did ask her sister to pick up the stuff. But as generous as my sister-in-law is to me, she got jumbo-size everything! Sizes of Advil and Q-tips that I've never bought for myself before, and a 5-pack of Velveeta which is what took the most room. It was only after I got home and checked my email that she mentioned the package was the size of a small backpack. And it wasn't until a week later that I received it and saw it really was not a small package she could ignore in her luggage.

Still, if it was such an inconvenience for her to carry that around, why couldn't she just wait for me to arrive and catch a slightly later train? That was her decision. I think she may not have known that just across the Airport MRT station from the HSR station was a huge outlet mall where we could've done some browsing and shopping and I could've bought her and her dad coffee and croissants. I don't know why and didn't ask subsequently why her schedule was so inflexible that she couldn't call someone and tell them she was arriving an hour later. I don't know why she didn't communicate earlier that the package was a significant burden which may have been incentive for me to get there in time. I did calculations later and I would've had to have left at least a half an hour earlier for even the possibility to get there on time, or in the alternative I could have taken the HSR myself from Taipei Main Station to Taoyuan HSR instead of the Airport MRT. It would've been a lot more money, but I would've done it if I knew I would otherwise be burdening someone who was doing me a favor.

When we did meet in Taipei for dinner the next week, it was very cool and formal, and clear that was the only time we would be meeting while she was here. We were passive pissed at each other. My Mandarin teacher, the one I get together with every once in a while, came because she met my sister-in-law and her sister when she was in the U.S. for a year teaching Mandarin at an Ohio university. When she told me she was traveling to New York, I put them in touch and they've stayed on each other's radar. In fact, my sister-in-law's sister's husband, a professional jazz musician is coming to Taipei in June, and we've earmarked the date to go.

I don't think my Mandarin teacher noticed any tension. The dinner wasn't about us and it was superficially perfectly appropriate discourse considering the company. But when parting after dinner, my teacher asked me if I wanted to get shaved ice at a famous place just a block away, and I was like 'why not?', there's nothing cool or formal between us. It was then I was able to inspect the package my sister-in-law's sister brought me and I could see the full extent of the inconvenience. But it was funny when I described the sizes I asked for and the sizes my sister-in-law got for me. What's great about getting together with my teacher is that we can kvetch and bitch about things to each other, but then offer perspective and get catharsis as a result.

I emailed my sister-in-law's sister a final apology before she left and she said fuggedaboudit. We're not good, but we know now not to even try to make it good. She won't offer any favors and I'll never ask for any. That's not fact, mind you. She might not think anything about it aside from unfortunate circumstances, and not some grand karmic incompatibility. She might have let it go as soon as she heard that I did go but failed to get there in time. If she were to read this, she might just as easily say, 'no, that's not it at all'. She's a federal judge, so being reasonable is her profession. And her family are much better, positive people, as opposed to the negativity-drenched, passive-aggressive shit storm chaos that is mine.

And if she ever asked me for a favor, I would do my damned best to make it happen.

One of the benefits of not having a phone is that my mother can no longer call. After my father died, it became even more clear that we don't understand nor like each other and we can't communicate without insulting each other, both intentionally and unintentionally, and phone calls would at best be barely civil and would always be frustrating and negative. They would revert back to the days when they were overtly strained and awkward and didn't last long because I had nothing to say to them and no interest in what they said. It was a fortunate coincidence that just a few months after my father died, Taiwan ended 2G phone service and I simply refused to upgrade because I didn't need nor cared to.

On my part, I would be perfectly content to never hear from her again. I can't speak for her part, but for whatever reason (habit? investment?), she feels compelled to try to remain in touch, and that, unfortunately, has led her to start sending emails. Early on, I overreacted to an overture to go on a cruise, but I learned quickly if I just ignore them, that's taken as a response and there's no follow-up. Now when I get an email, I typically glance at it just to get the gist and immediately delete it. Sometimes she sends photos of my brothers' families, but if they don't send photos themselves, obviously they don't care if I have photos of them or not and they get deleted after I see how the kids are growing.

There was one photo she sent not long ago of the monument that she had made for my father, and since it is quite large, I think she has it in mind that this is a family . . . thing. As family members die off, they and their dates get added to the monument. The concept was mentioned when I was last there when my father died in November 2016, and I was horrified by the thought of some attachment to them for all eternity.

If I had my druthers, I would just disappear without a trace and I wouldn't care whatever they put on the monument. It has nothing to do with me. I don't care what name they use, and the end date would only be the year since an exact date couldn't be pinpointed. What I would want, though, is the URL of this blog under my name and dates. I wonder how many tombstones have internet URLs on them. I'm sure it's been done.

The question for me, though, is how do I get this URL on the fucking monument. If I leave a note mentioning that's what I want, that would direct people to this blog, which I don't want to do. I'm not hiding it, I do assume it will be found, but I want it to be found without my having to direct people to it. I'm being totally neurotic. And once they find it, they'll find this last willful testament that I want this URL on any marker they insist on making for me, and they'll have to do it or else it will be a clear diss at me in my afterlife and all of eternity! You want that on you?

Actually, if they find this blog, they'll have an exact end date. Or, like Kurt Cobain, close enough.

I live on the third floor of a residential low-rise in a flat sub-divided into four discrete apartments. I don't know any of my neighbors. I don't know what they look like. Very rarely we might pass one another coming or going. I wouldn't recognize them passing on the street. I don't know anything about them except their audible departure routines in the morning or when they deviate from it.

When I contemplate my demise scenarios, it's safe to say there would be little impact on them except in the unfortunate circumstance if I bite it in my apartment. If I don't leave a body in my apartment, there would be little to no disruption or disturbance in their lives beyond the bustle of the disposal of my belongings.

They know just as little about me, and flipping the scenario I would experience little disruption or disturbance if any of them were to no longer be among the living. If they died in their apartment, I don't think any of them are so disconnected and isolated like me that people wouldn't come looking for them before olfactory factors became necessary to alert the world of their passing. Whatever the scenario, the bottom line is I wouldn't be very much affected.

There are two people in Taipei that I know and have met with socially in the past . . . let's say five years, albeit rarely. If either of them died, I don't know how the news would even get to me, and it's not a stretch that it just wouldn't. I just wouldn't find out. Exactly the same if I were to die.

I have a nominal facebook presence. Again, no one there would know if I died unless someone plied my computer post-mortem and stumbled across my page and were to tactlessly and tastelessly announce it to a reply chorus of "aw gee, that's too bad" at best. Any announcement to inform my contacts would have to be made on my page, so that's pretty freaky. Speaking from the grave. That's actually a great idea. Write the announcement in my voice. Get creative.

And on the flipside, if any of most of the couple dozen contacts I have were to die, . . . well, I'd probably at least know about it. Some are as active as me on facebook or even less and maybe there would be no one to mention them dying. But my response couldn't be much more than "aw gee, that's too bad". I'm not involved in their lives. I don't make contact with them or try to be more than an abstract, internet presence. Even people I've known from long ago who were much more than "facebook friends", we're not present to each other now. Effectively "aw gee, that's too bad" friends.

Finally, all that's left to contemplate is a few family members. What if Audrey or any of my cousins or either of my brothers committed suicide? There's no reason for me to think any of them would, but none of them thinks I would, either. It's impossible to really know what it would feel like, even going deep into the scenario in meditation, but I'm having trouble imagining myself reacting much differently than how I would expect them to react if I died.

Whatever impact there is, it would be something to experience and then pass. It would pass. Again, there's no involvement in each other's lives. If I died, what difference would there be in their lives except the knowledge that I'm now dead? If any of them died, what difference would there be in my life? Only the expectation that they're out there and available for a possible hypothetical future meeting up? Not good enough. If they care, they should be present. If I care, I should be present. We're not present, so we don't care. Voilá, we have a meeting of the minds.

I had to go down to Kaohsiung yesterday for some family bullshit issue. It falls under the category of "none of my business" and was at worst an inconvenience pulling me away from my dearly held daily routine. It wasn't the type of family chaos my mother embodies. It's the kind of thing likely many people have to go through at some point, so I'm not complaining.

I was just a pawn. I, along with other grandchildren, inherited property from our grandfather many moons ago for some legal reason, probably to avoid taxes. Now our parents, who have the real interest in the real estate, need us to sign over power of attorney to them. None of my business, of course I'll do what needs to be done, even if it means departing from my dearly held daily routine.

However, the inconvenience was an opportunity to activate mindfulness practice outside of my dearly held daily routine. I was actually surprised how good I was at identifying everything I was feeling moment to moment and what was going on all throughout my body as energies and applying the practice. All of it illusory and easily brushed aside.

Stress? Nope, it's unreasonable (or I'm aware of it and allowing it). Worst case scenarios? Nope, wrong attitude. Just do the right thing given any situation. The one thing I had to be insistent upon was that I was returning to Taipei the same day, and I did the smart thing in buying a non-reserved seating return ticket as soon as I arrived in Kaohsiung. I could take any train home, but it had to be that day. I don't know why anyone would think I was staying for more than one day.

Watching energies is, I think, a Tibetan Vajrayana practice which requires a teacher and initiation, so I make no claim that I'm doing it right. I'm just going by intuition with a vague belief that I've received initiations in previous lives. All I'm doing in this life is trying to review and maintain them without screwing anything up until I go back to accepting the idea of a teacher.

Every experience, sensation and bodily/mental function is an energy that should not be assumed to just happen because we're human. Even hunger or lack of hunger, or digestion and waste excretion are all energies. Sexual impulse and reaction are among the strongest of energies. All of them should be vigilantly observed as they occur with an understanding of their empty and enlightened nature. That is definitely something I'm going on intuition since I can't explain what that means at all.

There's one important mantra that has been said to encapsulate the entirety of the Buddha's teaching: "Nothing whatsoever should be clung to (as me or mine)". An extension of that I use most often during sitting is, "No thought whatsoever is worth dwelling upon". Thoughts constantly arise, I can't help it with my monkey mind, but I can constantly remind myself that none of them are worth anything.

Now it's "May all enlightened energies embodied in each and every experience be ignited like a fire". Alliteration. The refuge of the destitute (Sondheim). It's ironic Sondheim calling alliteration the refuge of the destitute since his lyrics are literally littered with alliteration. And he's brilliant at it, no destitution there!

That they be ignited like a fire is to emphasize the active and potent nature of the energies, like a volatile gas. The fire of transformation. No idea. The fire leads to transformation? Transformation is somewhere in there. I just wanted to say the word because it sounds like it belongs somewhere in the equation.

It was a low-key, day-trip visit. My uncle and I took care of the legal stuff and we visited another aunt and uncle briefly. Then my uncle and aunt took me on the new Kaohsiung light rail to show me some of the many changes happening in the fast-developing city. I'm not sure how accurate it would be to say it's like Taipei years ago, but I hardly recognize Kaohsiung now, aside from the heat. Taipei, too, is now very, very different from what it was when I first got here.

A cousin, the son of the aunt and uncle we visited in the afternoon, showed up at the last moment and took me to the High Speed Rail station to return to Taipei. I also spoke on the phone with two other cousins who speak English reasonably well.

And that was Kaohsiung; the first I've been out of Taipei since my father died in Dec. 2016. First "disruption" to my dearly held daily routine in that time. During that time, in total, I've met up with my old Mandarin teacher once; a classmate from my first Mandarin language class, with whom I'm unusually still in touch, twice; and I saw my uncle twice in 2017 when he came up for two of my landlord's (a distant relative) children's weddings.

That's the story of all my personal contacts. I have nothing to do with them, and they have nothing to do with me. As they know nothing about me or what I'm doing or not doing with my life, I also have no idea what any of them has had to deal with in the past few years. One of my uncles died recently, the father of one of the cousins I spoke with on the phone, maybe even in the past year, and it was just information. I wasn't prompted to attend any funeral.

It's the worst kind of small talk when you know nothing about each other but have to force interest in their lives. Certainly they've had difficulties and other worries occupying their minds. I wouldn't be surprised if any of them has contemplated suicide. But that's not something that comes up in the small talk relationships I have with these people.

WordsCharactersReading time

Not to put too fine a point on it, the most recent interactions with my cousin have ended in disappointment. She leaves for Switzerland next week and we're not going to meet up before then. Shortly after my last posts in June, she left the country for the U.S. to her previous home in Sedona to do whatever she needed to do.

Ironically, after all that talk about helping and being there, nothing came out of my asking her to help me get my computer fixed. She mentioned her brother could definitely help me with that, but she didn't do anything to further that. She didn't jump at the chance to help me in the rare occurrence of me asking for help when in a disadvantageous situation (mind you, it's not the first time).

In July, the problem had grown to the point that I was asking her when she'd be back, leading off with whether she could help me get my computer fixed. We had a short exchange, during which she never mentioned helping me with my computer, and the content of our exchange had me calling her out that she didn't want to help, so nevermind.

Her then saying she'd help was the most insincere offer to help imaginable. It was so insincere that I can't even call it begrudging. A begrudging offer to help is more sincere than what she offered. A begrudging offer to help is sucking it up and realizing one has to do something.

Her saying she'd help was more like "uh yeah, whatever". I didn't even want her help after that and my former Chinese teacher hooked me up in two days with a repair shop that was half a block away from me. I pass it just about every day.

That was just coincidence. She knows what neighborhood I live in, but she doesn't know my address and didn't know the shop she called was so close to me. But that coincidence seems to underscore how useless my cousin was in this matter. Even if she tried, she couldn't do better than my Chinese teacher did without even trying.

My cousin contacted me two weeks after she said she'd be returning to Taiwan, long after my computer was fixed, giving me her brother's number and saying he was available to help me with my computer. She could have done that from Sedona in June, she didn't need to wait to come back to Taiwan if she wanted to help me.

I'm not close or in contact with her brother, but we're on good terms. There's no awkwardness between us. Even though I posit my relationship with him through her, he's still my cousin and we've never had trouble relating as such. If she sent me the same message in June, I'd have called him.

Needless to say, I blew my cousin off. I was disappointed in her. I wouldn't be surprised if she is disappointed in me for whatever reason. For blowing her off. For just responding, "That's OK, I got it fixed already. Look me up if you're in town". No, we weren't going to meet up before she left.

Mind you, we've disappointed each other in the past and we've always gotten over it. It doesn't directly affect any future contact we have, although I have doubts about whether we will have any future contact.

My funds won't last beyond next May and I doubt she'll visit before then. I have some reserve, but I don't plan to exhaust every penny, and I want to leave a certain sum for my landlord, her uncle, to make up for any expenses resulting from my disappearance, if it comes to that.

Basically I don't hold anything against my cousin for not wanting to help. In this matter, that is. She has been helpful in the past, in matters more convenient for her I suppose. If I profess to hope to cut karmic connections between us, then of course I can't hold anything against her. She did me a favor by not helping by . . . just lessening.

If she eagerly and effectively helped, I would have been happy and satisfied and thought of her in a certain positive, possibly attached, light. As she did it, I realize I can be just kind of "meh" about her despite our past closeness.

Reassessing what happened with my cousin last week.

At the time, to me it sounded like she was saying that I was always there for her, but I never relied on her with my problems, maybe implying that she would have been willing to be available for me and to help me when I needed it.

I realize now that's totally bogus. She was implying no such thing. That was not her point and I was just reading into it, and that is what caused my reaction. Truth to tell, she never made herself available to me. The nature of our relationship is that I was willing to be there when she needed me, but the reciprocal not so much (which is fine).

I forget how it was before she had kids, but how it was after she had kids may have been a magnification of what it was like before. Since she's had kids, I've always been in the periphery, and properly so. In no bizarro world would I think I took priority over anyone's kids. Of course, what it was magnifying from before is another story.

And as her kids grew and matured, she never made any effort to help me have a relationship with them. I never really fit in and they just did what they did and I just floated about doing my own thing. The result is that things have subsequently been awkward and uncomfortable, despite my memories of playing with them when they were younger.

If I was supposedly important to her (I'm not assuming I am), it was never important that her kids knew, remembered or liked me. Not like that was her responsibility. It says more about my personality faults when it comes to kids, but I certainly got no assistance.

Another indication of the nature of our relationship was when we were in their hotel room and her kids were doing their own thing. I was asking questions about what was going on with her cheating husband and what her assessment of things was. I was interested in her situation and wanted to know.

But at some point when there was a lull, she said, "Any more questions?", like I was being intrusive or that all I was doing was asking questions and it was starting to annoy her. The nature of our relationship is that I ask about her situation to know more about her, but she never asks about me.

If you want to get to know someone, you observe, you ask and you listen. She's not interested, and that's just fine. I don't know what I would do if she were interested. But let there be no suggestion that she's ever been interested, much less available, to offer help or support. We talk sometimes, we have good conversations, but she doesn't delve.

(Since our relationship is long-standing and varied, it's not as simple as that. For example I've never liked vinegar, but adopted a taste for it a few years ago. This is not important, this is not something everybody or anybody knows. But we were having dumplings once and I reached for the vinegar and she was surprised. She's not disinterested or non-observant, and she does remember a lot of things about me through the years. Even small things shows she cares.)

But, truth to tell, she never has even been capable of offering help or support. She simply could not handle my issues. In my previous post, that wasn't a trifle when she assumed, practically under her breath, that I would never consider suicide and brushing it away like a mosquito without even asking or clarifying. When it comes to death, that defined her.

She has never handled death well. That's an understatement. No one can ever be blamed for not handling death well. But she gets overwhelmed and falls apart. She becomes unrecognizable. She is so beyond consolable that when her maternal grandmother died, I was completely at a loss how to even approach her.

I was telling her in my duplicitous, upbeat way how I was perfectly happy where I was in life because the whole point of my life was to drive it into a dead end, which is where I am. I was telling her this because it's just the truth. That's about all there is to say about my life and basically I'm just waiting to die, and laughed it off.

My laughing it off was her out. It was a joke and she didn't have to inquire further. If it was me, I wouldn't have let it pass. I would have asked what that meant. What do you mean your life is a dead end? What do you mean you're just waiting to die? I would've annoyed the hell out of me, which is why I'm glad I don't have to be friends with myself.

I would have recognized the dissonance and wanted to know more. And further, she knows about my bank account . . . issues. I'm guessing it was her step-mom, my aunt, who told her what my parents did with the money that was in my account.

She didn't ask how much I have left or if I was worried about it or what I was going to do. I also told her about my probable glaucoma and the blindness that comes with not getting it treated, and she laughed it off all on her own. I'm guessing it was an uncomfortable laugh at not wanting to know too much.

We've known each other a long time. She knows more about me than she's willing to admit, more than she probably wants to know; meaning there's a lot she chooses to ignore. When you've known me as long as she has, there are things that I can't hide, things that just have to come out.

She can feign ignorance about what most people would regard as self-destructive tendencies, but in her it's denial. As much as she's been exposed to through the years, it's ridiculous to look at the whole picture and think, "oh there's nothing wrong there, he'll be fine".

It's not like our relationship is complicated, but there are a lot of threads and tendrils sticking out and going no where. Lots of contradictions and I can't say anything definitive about us without constantly reassessing and taking things back.

My cousin called me the other night and we talked for an hour and a half. We hadn't connected since she last called sometime earlier in the year, maybe March when she was living in Arizona.

My landlord is her uncle, and a few weeks ago he needed to come into my room for some work to be done and I asked him about Audrey. He surprised me with news that she had moved to Switzerland.

I was duly surprised. Maybe part of me was a little disappointed that she made such a major life decision to move from Sedona to Switzerland and never once was I on her mind to tell me about it. But to be truly disappointed, I would have to presume that I had some importance to her, and being important to anyone is antithetical to my being, so it was easy to just let it go.

Apparently I would have known about the move if we were connected on Facebook, but in the interim of our connections, I had unfriended both her and my old friend Madoka. I unfriended them as a reaction to people with whom I wanted more substantial communications. If they wanted to communicate with me, then communicate with me.

As far as I'm concerned, Facebook is for superficial contact with people with whom I would otherwise not be in contact. It's not for people from whom I expect more personal, direct communications. I realize no one thinks like this.

Facebook is a primary contact for many people. It doesn't matter if posts, likes and replies become a matter of committee between total strangers. It doesn't matter that a post wasn't meant personally for you and any number of replies are also not meant for you or by people who know absolutely nothing about you, and any reply you make goes to everyone who weren't intended as recipients.

It took about six months for Madoka to realize we were no longer friends and she sent me a message and I duly re-friended her. She didn't get it, but I felt re-friending was the only course of action to make my initial unfriending her not be passive-aggressive. It wasn't. It was hoping for something, and it didn't happen.

I still don't read her FB posts and our communications continue to be superficial and not at all a dialogue. Positive, but not dialogue. Theoretically, we continue to profess being important to each other; practically it's lip service. Well, no, we mean it, but the manifestation in our interaction doesn't live up to it. It's like going to church on Sundays and that being all for spiritual commitment.

Audrey never realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. After her uncle told me she moved to Switzerland, I sent a one-sentence e-mail to her telling her that I learned from her uncle about the move and wished her the best.

She sent a short (but longer than mine) email back saying it's all on Facebook. She still didn't realize we were no longer friends on FB, and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't and decided to just let it go. Whatever.

Then she called the other night, a couple weeks after I didn't respond, and we talked for an hour and a half.

What's the take away? Well, we don't matter to each other in an attached sense. We're not keeping tabs on each other, concerned for what's happening in each other's daily lives. It's Buddhistic non-attachment perhaps. It doesn't mean we don't care. We care, we just don't matter.

For her, things matter. Her kids, her father, whoever or whatever else matter. I don't, which is great. I don't want to matter.

And nothing matters much to me. That's also great, I don't want things to matter. I don't have kids, I don't have family who matter. I don't keep tabs on them, they don't keep tabs on me. Whatever happens to them and whatever happens to me is just news to each other. There's no involvement. There's nothing we could do if either side knew any more than we do about each other.

I don't know what issues they're dealing with and there's no indication they want my input on anything. That would be mattering.

And they don't know I'm an alcoholic and ignore how big of a problem insomnia is, but regardless, I don't want their input on those things. That would be mattering.

If you want to matter, you have to stick your nose in someone else's business. If you want other people to matter, you have let them stick their nose into your business. Caring is fine, but caring without action isn't mattering.

Me, my cousin, my family, we all care for each other. We just don't matter. There's no judgment in this, it's just fact.

My life has been a complete non-starter since getting back from the U.S. in mid-September. Injury and illness were the excuses for about a month. Almost a month later, I . . . I was going to say that I've been able to get back to the gym, but what useless shite crap that is.

Truth is I don't really care. And that's great. I don't want to care, and that's great. It's liberating. It makes me breathe, relax and feel alright with myself. My life has always had suicide at its core, so my ideals, values and goals are not the usual ones people have. When my life starts to really plow into the muck and the mire, that's a good thing. My ideal age to die was 34 and I've blown waaaay past that. Even Ritu managed to die at 34. Albeit her reasons, if she in fact committed suicide, wouldn't be reasons that I would consider valid for me. Not judging her. Her reasons were good enough for her.

I wonder how long I've been living such a useless, worthless life. How far back can I go to determine when if I died, I would have had no impact by my own estimation? I'm glad about my time and efforts at Deer Park. I left there in spring 2005, so if I committed suicide then, what have I done afterwards that might have been missed?

My oldest brother got married that summer. Through the years, maybe I gave him and his wife a certain amount of support and encouragement, maybe? It's dubious, but possible, and giving benefit of doubt, I'll allow a few years of value to my continuing living. That said, my non-abstract value to them has long since ended. They have four children now ranging from 9 to 3 so their daily concerns have long superseded any theoretical support I've offered. To put a value on it, I think I can safely say my value to them has been zero since 2009 or 2010. And I think that's being generous. As for my other brother, I think our recent interaction is an indication of negation of any value I've had to him and his family. If I had committed suicide in 2005, I don't think there would have been any loss to him or his family. It would have just been an experience to go through.

What value has any of my time in Taiwan, since February 2006, had? Not extended family, that's all gone, including my cousin Audrey. Friends don't matter. No one feels the loss of someone they never meet, so even if I did add value to anyone, that's still arbitrary. I refute anyone suggesting I was at all significant to them. Anyone thinking I was significant to them is just ridiculous. Seriously, if I thought I was significant to someone, I'd know.

I stopped working in January 2010 and some may argue that if you're working, you're contributing to society. I don't think my time at the China Post was worthless. If no one else, the editor-in-chief Paul Chen seemed to appreciate me. I'd say that's significant enough.

So for five years, I've only been living selfishly for myself. Insignificant to anyone else. And my lack of interaction with other people is proof of said insignificance. I realize all this is a flawed assessment, and maybe says more what I feel towards other people than they towards me. But it's probably not that far off.

nature of my closest relationships, part 3

It took three days for her to realize I wasn't going to visit. Three days after her realization, I receive this.

Audrey:
September 23; 7:24 AM:
Good, see you soon

Speechless. It's not like it was an easy decision not to go, and it's not like my not going has no meaning. It's just further solidifying the complete break between us. Nothing negative or spiteful, just fact. 

the nature of my closest relations, part 2

Madoka:
August 28; 11:25 AM:
Hello Koji. Just wanted to say hello and thank you and I love you. love, madoka

Me:
August 28; 3:55 PM:
I love you, too!! I sometimes meditate on that love and it brings comfort in the storm of existence and thoughts. You're wonderful and often in my thoughts.

Her:
August 31; 6:34 PM:
Hi Koji, I just returned from 3 days at a zen temple and am now seeing your message. The temple was good. If that love brings some comfort, that makes me happy. You're wonderful and very special.

Me:
September 1; 2:50 AM:
I'm glad you had a good retreat. Reminds of the best times at Deer Park. Which then leads to why I left, but that's another story, nevermind, keep doing good!

Her:
September 1; 7:42 AM:
The temple I go to has a live-in dormitory for lay people. I've thought about moving there, but haven't due to a couple rules I'm not ready to follow. You have to commit to living there for 6 months (which would be ok), but you have to return every night by 9pm and cannot spend nights elsewhere. This would make it impossible for me to attend my meditation teacher's retreats and Friday night classes. So, I don't live there. But I really like the people there. I don't particularly enjoy the retreats, as my ankles and knees always start screaming after the 1st day, making thinking about my koans close to impossible, but even still, I feel something peeling away every time, so I go. Glad your pinky is doing better. love you, madoka

Me:
September 3; 1:56 AM:
I guess perhaps everywhere has its rules for their own reasons and you just have to make your own choices. Why are you experiencing pain when you're like a yoda master. I mean yoga master. Like a yoga yoda. If it's interfering, can't you just change to a simpler, non-painful position?

Her:
September 3; 6:55 AM:
Haven't quite got to the yoda level I actually don't do yoga asana that much. I hardly teach it anymore either. And I do change into a simpler position, but after the 2nd day, any cross legged position hurts. I think my hips, quads and ankles are tight...so, maybe I should do more asana. I actually started jogging on occasion because I need to lose weight. ha ha.

Me:
September 4; 2:54 AM:
Hm, that's not right. You mentioned pain before on retreat but I thought you were exercising hyperbole and humility(!). So even Burmese position is painful. Do they have and allow meditation stools in Japan? They're available in some U.S. meditation centers and take lode off of legs in cross-legged positions by raising center of gravity. In extreme cases, some places, including Deer Park, allow for sitting in chairs albeit not ideal. Otherwise, do you have a strategy in targeting and identifying the pain and dealing with the source? When my left Achilles tendon tore a week after joining a gym (on your birthday if I recall) and then the right one was proving to be weak, I enjoyed the challenge of figuring out a regimen of recovery and strengthening. After over 3 months, today I did my first 5K at an OK pace without a brace. So when you sit, in what position is it theoretically completely comfortable for the entire retreat? Also, when pain occurs, where is the pressure coming from and what alleviates it? Physical pain can be a distraction from mental focus, so this is pretty important. Don't just endure it. Also, have you identified a point when you realize physical therapy might be needed? Like my pinky still hurts, but it was an extreme bruise so I'm giving it a little leeway. But I am aware that if pain persists, I'll have to consider nerve damage, meaning having to figure out the whole annoying doctor thing. love always!

Her:
September 6; 3:14 PM:
Hi Koji, Thanks for the questions. If I am in so much pain that I cannot stand it, I can ask for a stool, but at this point, I think I would have to have an injury, since I've made it through without a stool for the past 5 years. They don't allow Burmese position at the temple I go to. I should probably do a more rigorous physical program to increase flexibility in my hips. One of my friends from zazen is a physical therapist...maybe I'll ask her for some suggestions too. It is kind of ironic for a yoga teacher to have this much trouble sitting...but I guess when it comes to the physical practice, I am on the negligent side. That is changing a bit though...recently the stagnation in my body and mind are clearing up a bit, and I'm moving more.

I don't think I know a position that would be theoretically comfortable for the whole retreat... I have to go now, but maybe I'll take a look at this a little more closely later. love, madoka

Me:
September 9; 1:54 AM:

OK, I see. So the pain for the past five years hasn't been so bad. Minimal to no mental distraction, able to keep reasonable meditative focus (not that I know what that is). Pain? What pain?
I'm perplexed by a lot of what you said, but I trust your approach to your experience and am hesitant to question it.
I'm not as tough as you. Whatever pain I feel I try to identify it and strategize how to deal with it (without involving doctors, of course). I'm also not as humble as you, a lot more arrogant and self-cherishing. Like I would have nothing to do with a monastery that discriminated against sitting positions or would only allow for stools if an injury were involved. That's too much emphasis on form and a lack of compassion and loving-kindness for my tastes (my interpretation). Your enduring the pain may indicate non-attachment to it? Very high level?
But maybe it wouldn't hurt to consult the physical therapist and be proactive about dealing with the pain. Mind and body connection. The physical pain energy may be connected to or sympathetic with some mental energy. Listen to yourself. love you

Her:
September 12; 10:41 AM:
 I can't say the pain is minimal to no mental distraction. It's quite a distraction. I don't know if it is because I am a wimp, or because it is actually that painful. But I do get distracted. The temple I go to is probably among the more strict for laypeople. The way I see it is, their rules are not so that we focus on form, but so that we let go of all the preconceived notions we have about wanting to do things our own way, or the way we think is better...and it allows for people to stop thinking about form when form is predetermined. But, if I need to relax my legs and loosen the position, I don't get hit with a stick. I haven't felt that they are being unreasonable. I don't know if my enduring the pain is high level...it's more like resignation? Every time I go to the temple, it gets a little bit easier. But just a bit. ha ha.
But, I agree, it wouldn't hurt to consult a physical therapist. It may be related to something mental/emotional too, but I haven't quite figured that out yet.
love, madoka

Me:
September 15; 12:55 AM:
Hm, so you're not at so high a level? That's a bit of a disappointment. Rare for you. But everyone should disappoint every once in a while. I'm workin' on it. (that's all totally a joke, mind you).

Truth to tell I'm at a loss for words at your description of the temple and rules. Yea, I'm not even going to go there. Not my business. Except to say, for myself, that I'm fairly confident that my own way that I think is better for me, preconceived or ego-driven or not, is decidedly better than whatever their way is (even if their way was to immediately transport me to enlightenment). Go fig (also may be why I'm not a monk nor have a master). But if their way agrees with your way, I have no comment or criticism. (this is all totally not a joke, just to be clear).

To the main subject matter, pain is subjective; not about being a wimp. I don't know if this is anything, if it's nothing just throw it away, but after what you said about the pain and that it is a distraction, what I would theoretically suggest to someone is to stop being distracted by the pain and make it the focus of meditation (already I think that's going wrong with you since you're supposed to be focusing on your koan). But I would tell a theoretical person to make friends with the pain, concentrate on it, treat it with loving-kindness, get comfortable with it, offer it tea. You're supposed to be focusing on your koan, but you can't because the pain is calling your attention, so say, 'ok, you want my attention, I'm going to give you attention and sit here with you and figure out why you're here when you're not supposed to be'. Get to know it, all the nuances and angles of how the pain feels as a sensation; even displace the pain and imagine what it would feel like in other parts of your body. Important, though, is to not associate it as "bad". Don't attach to it or be averse to it as something bad. Just focus on the pain as a sensation without judgment. All the while consulting the physical therapist and dealing with the source rather than just enduring it.

The temple may say that I'm full of shit. So be it. I am a little constipated.
much love, koji

Haven't heard from her since, and I suppose that's the end of our communications as well, as my last message was not intended to have this much time pass for a response. If she hasn't responded yet, she doesn't intend to respond. And if it was a phone conversation, she hung up on me because she didn't wish to continue the conversation. If she does respond, it better be very well measured.

We're certainly not on the same page anymore. Her last message screamed "cult". One of the most strict for laypeople? Their rules are meant for people to let go of preconceived notions of doing things any other way but their own? Their way allows for not thinking about form when it's pre-determined . . . but replaces it with their own idea of form? She doesn't feel that they are being unreasonable. So not allowing for positions that would make sitting meditation easier and painless is reasonable.

the nature of my closest relations, part 1

My most recent email exchange with my cousin:

Me:
September 16; 11:15 PM (after my uncle called to tell me he's going to visit Audrey and asking whether I want to go. As I mentioned, I hadn't heard from Audrey since July, so I was just putting a feeler out)

Hey Audrey,

I guess you know your dad is going to visit you. I think he's waiting for me to decide whether I'm going with him to buy his ticket. Do you know how long he's planning to be there and if he's returning to Taiwan afterwards?

I told myself if I heard back from her before I turned off my computer, then I'd go. It's my strategy to make decisions based on whatever else happens in the world.

Her:
September 17; 2:18 AM (before I turned off my computer):
hi dear, I told him that he can invite you to join his visit.  He plan to come on Sept 25, and stay until Oct 5th or 6th then flying to NJ to see your parent and our uncle.  Then he will come back to Taiwan around Oct 17th.
Are you interesting in coming?  You can stay as long as you want.  Too bad, you should be here earlier to help settle down the house, moving the furniture for me.  Yesterday, I have to call up a friend for help 7 o’clock at night moving a heaving table to my house..  I feel so bad to bother them.

Audrey

Me:
September 17; 2:32 AM:
Ah OK, your father will probably call me first thing in the morning and I guess I'll tell him I'll go. I won't go to N.J with him, but I'll figure out my travel plans with him when he calls. Sorry I couldn't help you with furniture. Where's Eric (the cheating husband)? Useless, once again! 

Me:
September 17; 12:46 PM (after her father called and I told him I wasn't going):
bah, I couldn't do it. when I woke up I realized I couldn't decide whether to go or not and I was going back and forth all morning. When your dad finally called, though, I realized I wouldn't go. Sorry. I hope to at some point, though.

Me:
September 19; 2:06 AM (after getting no response after telling her I wasn't going):

Hey Audrey,

I hope you're OK that I'm not going to visit. I told myself if you responded to my email before your father called, I'd. go. And you did, so I said I'd go.

But after waking up the next morning, before your father called, I felt strongly undecided, even though every logical reason told me I should go, it'd be great, it'd be better for me. Your father called later than I expected and while I was waiting, I was completely undecided, and even when my phone rang, I didn't know what I'd say. But after I answered and I had to say something, it just came out that I wouldn't go. And I was relieved. 

And surprised. But I won't bore you with the reasons I came up with later why I decided not to go. Just that there's no connection. It was the feeling. It didn't make sense, it's not my reality. There's no solid foundation for going. Looking at the continuity of my reality, it didn't make sense. It would have been pretending my day-to-day reality is something other than what it is. Going would have meant I'm involved in some way. And the reality is that I'm not. 

If you're disappointed, I'm sorry, but I hope you didn't really give a crap whether I went or not and either way is fine.
love

Her:
September 19; 10:14 PM:
My father is going to make the reservation for his travel plan, i asked him to book the ticket with you under the name Koji Li.  Is that correct?  

He is taking Japan airline departing from Kaohsiung, transfer in Tokyo and arrive in LA.  Then take the connecting flight to Phenix.  He plans to leave on Sept 25th. I let him book your return flight  on Oct 25th.  But you can always change the time for going back to Taiwan.  

Please call my dad.

Me:
September 20; 12:34 AM:
Did you get my last email? Did you even read it? The irony is so thick!

Her:
September 20; 1:09 AM:
yes, i did get the your mail.  But it seems like you haven’t spoke to him yet.  he doesn’t seem know any of your plan

Audrey

At this point, I restrained myself from acknowledging her getting my email, but then telling her to go read it! and waited for her to figure it out. Didn't have to wait long, she's in no way stupid. 

Her:
September 20; 1:12 AM:
hi, sorry.  i re-read all the email that you send and I finally find one that I miss.  So you do decide that you will not come.  I will call my dad and tell him about it.

  Sorry for the mis communication.

Audrey

Good decision not to go. It's none of my business. All family dynamics are none of my business. As far as I'm concerned, all is cut with Audrey. Even when she says she re-read all my emails, I don't know if she was responding to the initial, brief email saying I wasn't going, or the follow-up that was worried that she wasn't cool with it. I don't know, and it's none of my business.

As for my uncle, I've long held the tenet never to travel with him. Too often I haven't followed that. But this is a perfect example for the tenet. I told him I wasn't going, yet Audrey later reports he doesn't know what my plan is. That's the way he rolls. That's why never travel with him. He's a great guy, but lives in an alternate reality.