email exchange

September 21, from her:

Hi Koji,

I know this is random and I'm not sure why, but while I was attending the 7-day Osesshin at Tahoma Zen Monastery this past week, it came to me to invite you to the possibility of studying with Shodo Harada Roshi. Call it intuition. Roshi leads sesshin in February, May, and September on Whidbey Island north of Seattle. If getting to Seattle is a stretch for you, he is also head abbot of Sogen-ji Monastery in Okayama, Japan  This is my first year of practice with him, and my first Osesshin after having attended Kosesshins previously. The was intense and fruitful. While my practice is relatively new, I'm happy to talk about my experiences at the monastery further if you're interested.

I hope you're well.

Much love,

Luyen

September 22, from me:

Hey Luyen,

Intuition? That was practically psychic! You know, I've always avoided teachers. I think it may be a karmic thing; either a decision I made in a past life or something my teacher in a past life challenged me to do. Don't know the reason, doesn't matter. Anyway, the more I focused on Tibetan teachings, the more I read that a teacher is indispensable. To follow the teachings, you need a teacher. And I accept that, but I also accept that I'm not on teacher quest in this lifetime. 

I don't doubt that I have a teacher (a lama from whom I may have received various initiations and empowerments), and recently I've been asking for and looking for and opening up for a sign that he or she is out there. I didn't know what I was expecting. A voice? A face appearing during sitting and going, "Boo!"? 

And then I get your message. Not that I think your teacher is my teacher, but I got the uncanny feeling that that's how it can happen. When I've gotten through obscurations to finding or wanting a teacher in a future life and I'm ready for a teacher again, the universe will out of the blue send someone to point the way. 

I mean, seriously, I didn't even know that you were involved in zen. I'm not even sure what you know about me to have sent that message. But I'd love to hear what brought you to the teachings and what you've been learning and experiencing, and what you like about your teacher and that monastery.

much love and gratitude *palms together*

September 24, from her:

Hi again Koji,

To start, I was in the middle of yaza when I was guided to pass on the invitation for you to study with Shodo Harada Roshi. The complete message was "Tell Koji about Shodo Harada Roshi. He needs him more now than he realizes." Having returned from the retreat, there was a little resistance to emailing you out of the blue with the invite, but I've had some practice in getting over my discomfort of passing on messages. Ultimately, if I can be of service to those here in this lifetime with no harm coming to myself or others, I can support this process.

Japanese zen found me. I was not and had not been actively seeking it, and there is nothing linear nor academic about my path to it. Several years ago I was guided with a WA city and phone number in a dream while on Christmas vacation in FL. Come to find out it was for a koan salon group. (At the time I had no idea what a koan was, much less what they were used for.) I was on a waitlist for a year before they opened up a second group with whom I was invited to sit with and continue to do so now.

Almost a year ago, I had another dream providing more guidance. The next morning there was an invite, from a woman in my koan group, in my email box to study with the Roshi. After some ungrounded emotional rollercoaster processing and some grounded inwardness, I settled into applying for a Kosesshin figuring it would be beneficial training to help me build energetic stamina for the bodywork I do for a living. Little did I know what was forthcoming.

A couple months later, again while on Christmas vacation in FL, my mom introduces me to an acupuncturist while we're visiting her Vietnamese Buddhist temple. After learning my name she shares that my name had been showing up recently in her dreams of Japan, and that she's to help me with my health, and any questions I may have. I'm blessed that my health has been on the upswing since I began adhering to the diet she provided for my body type. Additionally, she's been awesome with support since I've been on this path.

It was after my first full day of Kosesshin last February that I knew I had found a teacher. He made eye contact with me after kaichin and evening sutras in the kitchen and that was it. What?!?! The moment blew my mind. I hadn't even spoken with him yet when that happened. Although, when I look back, I'm sure I was being assessed all day long as I tried to quickly learn all the rules and assimilate to the monastery schedule that first day.

An interesting side note... After the acceptance of my application to attend that Feb Kosesshin (my 1st one ever) there was an email sent indicating that I was likely not to receive sanzen with the Roshi since it was a Kosesshin and one needed to attend a Osesshin before receiving sanzen. I expressed that I would be honored if it was to happen; however, I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't happen. There was an additional response explicitly stating there was a strong sense that I would not receive sanzen when I attended. It was no matter, because I already knew unequivocally then that I would receive sanzen. This was all a bit baffling, because I truly had no idea what I was getting myself into, yet I knew not to believe what I was being told. Turns out I was an exception to the rule and did receive sanzen that Kosesshin.

As I mentioned previously, this is my first year with the Roshi, so my experience is limited. So far he's been a good and kind teacher to me, which I believe has helped me and my husband of Catholic faith ease into my experiences with Rinzai zen. As I understand from others his approach has softened over the years making him much nicer than a number of other teachers in the US. Although, I hear he is rigid and strict when in Sogenji. 

​

I've learned that no one shows up at the monastery by accident. Its amazing dynamics aren't for everyone, and it's not easy. Within the sangha, everyone is helping everyone move stuff. Experiencing a breakthrough during zazen the 5th day of this silent Osesshin, it was interesting to silently note later in the day those who saw me going through it and gave me the space to process. 

Post-Osesshin, something Roshi said to me in my first-ever sanzen plus snippets from daily Osesshin Teishos, interactions with other Osesshin attendees, and my 2nd sanzen this last go round all arose to help me put some pieces together. It was a fantastic "Aha!"moment. I'm learning, and it's why I will continue to study with the Roshi.

All in all, I'm on this amazing journey that is way beyond me. If you have any thoughts or feedback, I'm open. I do know that you were connected to a Vietnamese Buddhist monastic tradition (Thich Nhat Hahn) and that's it. If you care to share any of your experiences I'd love to hear about them. 

gassho _/\_ with love,

Luyen

By the way, this is as lovely a way to reconnect with you than I could have ever imagined. :)

October 3, from me:

Wow, I'm still trying to absorb all this. It's a great and amazing path you're on and I'm so glad and in wonder that you've gotten on it. 

I don't know if you know this, but when we met back at Oberlin some 25 years ago, I was just starting on my path and my gateway was Japanese zen. When I took classes in Japanese history and religion, I read about zen Buddhist philosophy and it was like hearing back what I was already formulating as a belief system. 

It was in my dorm room at Third World House, where we goofed off quite a bit as I remember, where I first developed my initial sitting practice. My guide was this book: http://lumsa.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/zen_mind_beginners_mind.pdf which I still highly recommend. I didn't have a sitting cushion so I sat on a pile of dirty laundry, and for incense I stole sand from the Oberlin golf course, filling an aluminum container for Ouzo to burn it in. Even 10 minutes was hard initially!

I suppose it was personal, being "religion" and all, so I wouldn't be surprised if it never came up in our discussions. But I can't help smile that it's Japanese zen that found you, Rinzai zen for that matter, and now you're throwing around Japanese zen terms like we're talking shop. No idea what "yaza" is, tho'. If you had capitalized it, I would have thought it was a town in Washington. "I was in the middle of Yaza, waiting for the light to change, when I was guided . . . "

On the other hand, I suppose you'd only assume I'd know Japanese terminology if I did mention such things back then. But back then, there was no internet and I had no idea how to pursue proper study. Even what study was. I had no idea there were monasteries in the states. I seriously thought I had to find my way to Japan, get fluent in the language, find out about a monastery and then find my way there, and then sit outside the gate until someone invited me in. That's how I thought it was done *head hits desktop*.

I did have a belief, though, back then that the universe would help me along the way. And maybe it has. Maybe roaming around teacher-less in a spiritual desert is a necessary part of my (and anyone's) path. But that's just interpretation and in my idealized vision of the path, the universe would act more like the way it has treated you to get you on the path, and it also makes me smile that it has guided you the way it has! That's some amazing shit!

Social media, internet, invitations, even dreams . . . but no, my path is the way it should be. I'm more inclined to think the Roshi's teachings are not necessarily what I need more than I realize, although it may be so on different levels, but that I needed to hear from you more than I (or you) realize. So I thank you. I was directly asking for a message and as far as I'm concerned you delivered a response when I really didn't expect one.

Like I said, I've eschewed teachers as a pattern. That's just me in this lifetime. I'm just stubbornly trying to figure it out for myself and stay open to any Theravada, Mahayana and Vajrayana teachings that I deem useful, and keep re-reading those books in lieu of a teacher, gleaning new insights as I get more experience. 

But all through my life there have been certain constants which make wandering in a teacher-less desert make perfect sense. There's a certain degree of destiny involved, as well as my own making sure my story ends this certain way. I don't deny there are a lot of seemingly negative elements in my approach and personality that I'm doing nothing to transform and will have to face in future lifetimes. Recently I've had indications of future lives in Korea. Instead of past life resonances, they are future life resonances. 

That all said, since you mention that you're new to this, I hope it's useful to hear that it is worth it to stick with it for the long haul. Even without a teacher, struggling to figure out what this sitting and mindfulness thing is is the only thing I don't regret living as long as I have. Even wandering in the desert, sitting every day (or the idea of it, since disruptions of varying lengths of time are inevitable) for years into decades leads to an indescribable transformation and understanding of the self and the universe, the mind and reality. Cultivating wisdom and compassion to everything and everyone surrounding is an unspeakable treasure. 

Sometimes the transformation is subtle. Sometimes even a root problem is subtle and you don't take it on because you don't recognize it, but then . . . you do. Like, for instance, anger. Anger comes up and it just happens with work, or colleagues or partners or kids, and you just accept it because that's what's happening. Something happens and you get angry, what can you do about it? 

But then you recognize it as a problem, and you become mindful of it as a problem and that you can tackle it. Mindfulness of the problem starts changing it from reality to perception and to something you can transform. Without a teacher, it took a long time for me to figure that one out. Years into decades.

There will be hard times. There has to be hard times or you're doing something wrong. But if you've found a teacher that you trust, that's a great foundation. But the teachings are more important and are always above the teacher (if the teacher is more important, it's a cult). Hearing you after only a year of practice, I'm already envious. But very, very happy for you. Keep doing good!

much love,

koji

The blast furnace summer heat of Taipei ended in September with three typhoons in quick succession. It's still hot, just not intolerably so. Summer was just about going miserably from one air-conditioned space to the next.

Jogging, sometimes running, continues with times improving with ever-so-slightly cooler weather. Running over this summer, even in the evening, was still a bit crazy in retrospect. It was still quite hot.

I had 3-, 4-, 5-mile courses which all ended up near Rainbow Bridge, a footbridge over the Keelung River near Raohe Night Market, which usually had healthy breezes to help cool down. 30+ minute cool downs were not uncommon.

Jogging times have been upticking again lately, though, I think due to health matters; alcohol related I assume. It may be nothing, but I've just been feeling worse in general to the point that my usual activities like reading for hours have become untenable due to discomfort.

I've gone through episodes like this before, I suppose, and it'll probably pass. And it always feels bad enough that I wonder if maybe it really is finally getting out of control, which is fine and expected. I just kinda wish it would be more fast and dramatic, and not this languishing in ugh.

A current nasty bout of insomnia probably isn't helping my mood or outlook. I have terms for types of insomnia: "front end insomnia", "back end insomnia", "total insomnia". I've found ways to deal with each accordingly.

But I want to call this "devastating insomnia", which may be compounded by the health issues to make it extra hard to deal with and get through days with any semblance of homeostasis.

I have a maybe interesting anecdote about insomnia and memory in case some researcher wants to study me. Unfortunately it forces me to reveal how anal I am about my iTunes music collection and how I listen to music.

I sync and re-load my iPod Shuffle every three days, and the first thing I do is manually load three iTunes pages of the oldest last played songs; the 90 oldest songs that played to be exact. With an iTunes collection of over 19,300 files, this forces the oldest last played songs to be played and keeps files from not playing for years and years, as would naturally happen if at random. How's that for anal?

And an indication of what over 19,300 files means (I am trying to pare it down), the current oldest songs played are in March 2015. Anyway, every night, I don't know why, I like to go through those 90 songs and try to identify which of the songs played. Don't ask me why, I don't know why! I get a kick out of it.

It does become a memory thing. More songs are listened to before the next sync and I continue to try identifying songs. I'm usually pretty close. There are usually a few songs I missed or thought had played but hadn't. That's besides the point.

During insomnia this time, I listened to my iPod Shuffle for two hours lying on my bed in the dark. I always listen to music while trying to fall asleep, but only on devices that have a timer and will automatically shut off.

But my brain was so stuck in the "on" position, I was sure I wouldn't fall asleep while listening. In fact, I kept track of each song to make sure I wasn't falling asleep or else I would turn it off. Later when I reviewed the 90 songs, there were a few fuzzy ones, some "I think so", etc.

Finally when I synced the iPod and looked at the songs that actually played, I missed a whole bunch of them. But when I saw the songs, I do remember listening to them, I have the actual memory of lying there listening to them.

So I was fully conscious when I was listening, but the memory of listening to them failed when tested independently. I couldn't remember that they played, and still couldn't, but looking at the song names and the fact that they played, I have an actual memory listening to them.

I wasn't in any sleep state, but during insomnia the memory of my experience of listening to music became . . . an abstraction. Later experience wouldn't remember it. But when faced with factual data I had listened to certain songs during that time period, I had a concrete memory of the experience.

Well . . . fuck you, it blew my mind!