Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I spent the last week on a cruise with the whole family, including parents, both brothers and their families. Thirteen people total; 7 adults, 6 children. I only agreed to this when I was having pangs of gratitude towards the parents for their involuntary contribution towards my following the path.

Between then and actually coming on this trip, the situation changed whereby I likely would not have agreed to come on this trip. But on the other hand, it still worked well for me as I mentioned Taipei was getting toxic and stifling. I'm enjoying being away.

And the change in situation may work for me as well, as whatever life I was living likely couldn't be sustained much longer. Things can't go wrong when things "going wrong" is the plan. Things looking like they're going wrong for me is actually things going right from my perspective and how I've set up my life.

Anyway, I came on this trip with the conviction that I wouldn't have a bad attitude towards anything consciously if I could help it. A lot of letting go involved. And not.

The cruise was to Bermuda, and it was enjoyable enough, but there's not much to say about it. It was pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. The days at sea were pleasant, there was non-stop food and maximum stuffitude, and with 4,000 people on board it was surprisingly easy to ignore the crowds.

I guess I can't emphasize enough how totally not invested in this trip I was. I was just tagging along. I had no part of the planning. Just show up and do as directed; take initiative and help out if opportunity arose. I made no special preparation for the trip – not even proper cruise footwear or sunblock – nor looked into what there was to do in Bermuda. Nothing about this trip was about me. I didn't do anything I might have done if it were my own trip.

I was predictably the odd one out, the free agent. My parents are their own unit and they did their own thing. We met for meals. My brothers' families were each their own unit and they made decisions according to their own priorities (the kids). I was free to tag along or go my own way.

For them it was creating memories. No doubt for the kids the memories will be significant as any childhood memories are. I suppose it's the same with my brothers and their spouses, but as adult family memories. Parents are spending their retirement the only way they can think of.

For me, after getting back home, the whole trip seemed unreal. It happened, but didn't leave any impression and may as well not have happened. Back to what I'd be doing anyway and not a single meaningful recollection or memory.

August 21, 9:54 a.m. - docked in Bermuda

10:26 a.m. - out for a walk on my own the morning before departure

3:04 p.m. - on our way, heading back to New York

August 22, 9:57 a.m.

4:25 p.m.

4:27 p.m.

The only thing worth mentioning on a personal basis is that I had another insomnia meltdown at one dinner, and my brother, sitting next to me, intentionally ignored it. He wouldn't even manage a "You OK?". Two words.

If it were a stranger, he would have assisted. When you notice someone under distress, you see if they need help, especially if you're a doctor. It's a no-brainer. And he couldn't have not noticed. As much as I was trying not to draw attention to myself and keeping it contained and zombie-ing my way through dinner, it doesn't take an empath to notice the person next to you at dinner having trouble.

Even if he didn't look over and notice what a hard time I was having physically, the silence was deafening as no conversation was directed at me and I wasn't making any effort to engage anyone or even make small talk. Plus I had to excuse myself from the table several times to keep from melting down, and not once did he acknowledge when I returned. Easiest thing in the world just to ask, "You alright?"

That level of disengagement, ostracizing even, in that situation meant he was putting an effort into ignoring whatever was going on with me. In a word, he didn't care. I didn't expect free medical advice. If he asked, I would've told him I know what it is, it has happened before and I can deal with it.

If he didn't press beyond that, that would've been totally acceptable. He doesn't need to know about insomnia. And if I tell him I can deal with it, he's off the hook to let me deal with it. But he didn't know what was wrong and he ignored it.

After that I disengaged from him and his family. It wasn't like I was "punishing" him. I just didn't want to look at him and I had no expectation that he would even notice. On the cruise with his family, if nothing happened and I acted the same way towards him, he wouldn't have noticed anything.

If he did notice something, then he would be acknowledging that I was reacting to him at dinner and that he did do something wrong.

But apparently he did notice and two days later while we were all at a beach, he had gone off to get food with his wife and when he returned he interrupted my music listening to offer me a burger. I declined and he emphasized that he got it for me.

The sibling read was clear and in a second it was over. It was clear what he was doing and so I thanked him for it and asked for the ketchup and relish. Any other reaction would have been petty and would have meant that I was trying to "punish" him, which is just silly.

After that, things went back to normal. More or less, that is. He did what our parents always did after conflict situations: they pretended it never happened and acted like everything was normal. There was never any acknowledgement or accountability regarding the conflict.

That behavior from the parents has always been infuriating and never forgotten. With my brother, I know where he got it from and so I won't react the same way. But suffice it to say I'll decline any invitations to visit him in Philly. Not that I'm expecting any.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I couldn't wait to get out of Taipei. I don't know if Taipei has gotten toxic for me, but I was anxious and stressed and just didn't feel well, and things hadn't been that much better in the weeks leading up to leaving this past Tuesday. It's possible that alcoholism is coming to a head. I could feel my body reacting differently to alcohol. Maybe more intolerant, maybe something else.

True to script, it started pouring rain right when I was planning to leave for the airport, but actually everything turned out fine. I caught a cab quick when someone was dropped off right where I was waiting for one, and then I was just able catch the airport bus. Smooth, but not necessary as I had plenty of time.

The flight was hellish getting a feeling several times that I "wasn't going to make it". Not sure what that meant. Pressure in my gut typical of gut problems that have become regular in Taiwan. Then it would ease off and I'd think I'd be fine if it stayed that way.

Overall the whole travel had its hitches but I finally got to where I needed to, albeit an hour and a half late. But an hour and a half late on travels that felt too long from the start.

The gut issues continued for maybe the next day and a half and then completely abated. The weather here is just God's country compared to the blast furnace heat of Taiwan. I was so sick of looking at daytime temps in Taiwan reading: temperature 93 degrees; feels like 103. Here it's: temperature 83.6; feels like 84. The first night I was lying in bed with the windows open, listening to the crickets, a light breeze caressing me, I felt like I was in the countryside.

I didn't sleep at all on the 14 hour flight. The times when I was so exhausted that I lapsed into sleep lasted only seconds and would increase my body temperature uncomfortably to the point that I would avoid even the respite those lapses kinda held.

Sleep continued to elude me for several days. Just quick lapses for very short periods before I'd wake up, and they quickly started becoming accompanied by vivid and stressful if not violent dreams that were increasingly full of foreboding and dread. I started being jarred awake or wrest myself out of them.

Periods of sleep increased slowly and the dreams started taking on apocalyptic qualities; serious end of the world, but as a cosmic math equation! Mind you other than these concepts, I remember absolutely zero details. The lack of recall was almost immediate upon waking. There may have been a fraction of a second of recall, but then even that dissolved even if I tried to hold onto them.

I'm still having some issue with body temperatures. As sleep times increased to over an hour, I'd be waking in cold sweats or I'd pull a blanket on and boil or throw them off and start freezing. Early on I'd wake up shaking (not shivering) for a while, but I think that had more to do with the near complete sleep deprivation at the time.

After realizing how much worse I was feeling before and after alcohol while I was still in Taipei, I have been cutting back while here. I toyed with the idea of going cold turkey, but that's not really realistic. The plan is to dole out shots and not drink freely. I don't expect that to hold all the time, though.

I've written about this before. Several years ago my parents liquidated certain assets here and placed a bunch of money in my bank account. When the transaction was mentioned to me, I discerned it was "none of my business" – their money is their money, nothing to do with me – and paid no attention until a surprisingly large amount of money appeared in my bank account.

One day I went to withdraw money and glanced at the remaining balance, immediately saw something wrong and my first thought was that money had disappeared.

Containing a minor panic thinking that I might have been hacked, I walked away from the ATM and then looked at the balance again and realized I was looking at the wrong part of the balance.

The left side of the balance showed a single digit in front of a comma where there should have been more. What I didn't see right away was the right side of the balance and all the extra digits there. Money had, in fact, appeared. A lot of money.

Before that infusion, what I had left in my account would have long since run out. I would have long had to have made some decision about my life when my account ran out. The amount that was placed in my account, given my modest lifestyle, would have lasted me long after my parents' lives would be over.

But they put it in my personal account, which I interpreted as being mine to use. I don't know why they put it my account, they have their own account. I suspect it was because they could put it there and avoid . . . notice. By people who would have noticed if they put it in their own account and demanded a cut. Legally.

God damn it, if you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about the government.

I gather my aunt was in charge of the actual transaction. I don't know how she had access to my account information, but it's possible, and I trust and love her. I've also heard through the years that my parents wanted my aunt to spirit the money back, but my aunt refused and told them to ask me for it directly.

I've speculated that it goes against some code by my parents to take money from me. The only tenable redeeming aspect of any claim to passable parenting is that money flows from them to us, and not the other way around. Once the money was in my account, it looked liked mine, I treated it like it was mine and I've been able to live for years because of it.

It took them a while, but they finally straight out asked for it to buy some useless piece of property in Kaohsiung for purely sentimental reasons which they tried to entreat me to understand (I couldn't care less), and, of course, as far as I'm concerned it's their money. I authorized my aunt to do what she refused to do before.

I don't know how long what's left in my account will last. Not much more than a couple years, if even that much.

The relevance of all this?  Well, they've given me several years where I didn't have to make an ultimate decision on entering a monastery or dying. So I'll give them credit for that, although recently, this year, even that has become a mixed blessing.

I must admit that despite continuing mindfulness practice and quasi-urban-hermit-existence I've been becoming restless. I started having doubts about how long I could maintain doing nothing and being useless.

So this might all be perfect for me in the larger scheme of things regarding my path. The cash windfall was allowing me to be lazy and complacent, when really I need to challenge my attachment to life.

It also squares with the nature of our total relationship and what I hope can ultimately be a complete break in karma between us. Whatever karma brought us together is over. There is no mutual impression between us that will bring us together, contentious or amicable.

I don't know what brought us together in this life. I've entertained the idea that it was a complete accident, but it may have been something contentious. Whatever it was, it must have been some feeling, and any feeling is now gone. We tried, failed, you go your way, I'll go mine.

(Speculation on karma is pretty useless as it can go on and on with endless possibilities. There may be any level of karmic connection between me and my parents from none (accidental) to a lot (teacher-student), but the controlling karma might have nothing to do with them and actually be between me and my cousin or brothers.)

Ironically, I'm going to visit New Jersey for a month starting this coming Tuesday. The visit includes going on a cruise for a week with the whole brood; all siblings, in-laws and grandkids. The only reason why I agreed to this was in response and appreciation to the credit they should get for supporting my efforts, irregardless of their intention.

I think that still stands. They do get the credit for the few years they gave me where I just focused on practice. But the withdrawal of long-term support brings things back to reality.

Embracing and understanding death is supposed to be my mission and should be the most important thing to me. And their habit of wheeling and dealing with money is their karmic reality. I do what I do, and that's what they do.