I thought one of the first things I'd do once I got back to Taiwan is get back to the gym, but a week and a half later I still haven't. Tomorrow will mark four weeks I haven't been to the gym, but I'll try to go by tomorrow.

Granted I caught a head cold the day after I got back, but that cleared by mid-week last week, and physically I'm go for activity. I've been in a slump in addition to a sleep slump since flying to New Jersey.

I hardly slept at all on the flight to New Jersey, and immediately upon arrival my sleep pattern has been pretty constant to this day; that is, going to sleep between 1 and 3 a.m., sleeping roughly between 4 or 5 hours, and then crashing out for a nap later in the day or evening. It's not enough sleep, but I'm alright.

I guess motivation in general has been low. Slump. I'm in danger of alcoholism overwhelming. I'm in danger of becoming totally unmotivated and comfortable doing nothing. Which, as I recall, wasn't that bad as long as I don't get restless in it. I've even felt some possible relapses in my appetite. Not being able to eat is not something I want to go back to.

And now for something completely different, after almost 9 years in Taiwan, I'm pretty jaded about any ridiculousness here. I thought I'd seen it all. But something I'd never experienced was to buy something and find the item not in the box.

Yesterday I went to the supposed premier music store in Taiwan, ATB, and bought a Korg PX5D multifex unit. I had already scoped it out at another store and saw that the price was at least NT$8,000, so when I was quoted NT$7,500 at ATB, I went for it.

It's a weird feeling buying something and opening up the box and finding the item not there. I knew where it was. At the store, I had perused the box and noticed the actual unit sitting on the shelf, basically making it a display unit. That's when and where I asked about the price, got the quote and took the box believing a new unit was in the box based on the heft of the box (thick user's manual). And mind you the store people looked like they didn't give two shits whether I was interested in buying the unit or not.

So basically, someone had removed the unit from the box, left it on the shelf and still had the box displayed for purchase and no one at the store was responsible for putting two and two together and making sure if they sold the item, the item would be in the box.

I was as livid as I could get, which is not very livid (mindfulness practice), considering I was considering how livid I should act when I went back to the store. I ended up taking the civil, non-confrontational approach, but was fairly direct about it, that I wanted my money back.

The consumer experience of buying something and then finding the item bought absent = I'm not buying it from this store. To one of the store worker's credit, he looked reasonably horrified that this happened. He knew it was bad. Not to the store's credit, none of the other workers seemed at all interested that this happened and that they were losing a sale.

Anyway, I went to the other store which was selling the unit for NT$8,800 on the price tag and told them ATB was selling it for NT$7,500, just hoping they would match the price, and they gave a further discount at NT$7,300. I haggled without even knowing it. A seasoned haggler could've gotten it down to at least NT$7,000. I am not that seasoned haggler.

Needless to say, ATB is no longer the go-to place for music items for me. The store from which I ended up buying the item was Player Music Instruments, near exit 3 of the Chiang-Kai Shek Memorial MRT station. 

Flying back to Taiwan was just as grueling as flying to the U.S., even with no delays caused by an incoming winter storm the day I left nor other travel-related hitches and having a whole row to myself on the 13 hour first-leg flight to Asia from Newark. I think I may have been the only person in economy with a whole row to myself.

I have just about no incentive for making that trip in the future. I do enjoy visiting my brothers and their families. We're not super close and don't necessarily connect, but we're cordial and pleasant enough and I feel nothing ill when visiting them. I don't know if they feel the same way about me.

I've shunned the stress and responsibilities that they've taken on in living normative lives. I don't know if they acknowledge that whatever stress they have in their lifestyles is the result of their own decisions; I don't know if they even felt they had a decision. Or if they feel my own decisions are a cop-out.

I look at all they have and made a conscious decision that I don't want any of it. Wife, family, career, mortgages, cars, stuff . . . no thanks.

On the other hand, I recognize that my attitude has some degree to do with the parents. And this is a bit of a revelation and something my brothers probably don't understand.

There was never any way that I was going to get married and start a family because of what that meant regarding my relation with the parents. When my brothers got married, the parents were involved. They had to be involved. When my brothers started having kids, the parents became the grandparents. They had to be involved.

The course of my brothers' lives involved the parents and even developed a deep appreciation for the financial assistance they provided to get them where they are. I certainly don't fault them for that.

They don't know the extent of my lack of appreciation, though, specifically in regard to their financial provisions making my being alive possible when being alive is a take it or leave it proposal for me. I don't even owe them that.

So I'm stating it for the record that my relationship with my parents probably has been a major factor in why I never got married or had kids or even wanted to.

Still that's only part of it. The other part of it is that I myself really didn't want to get married or have kids. If I really wanted to get married and have kids, though, my parents wouldn't have anything to do with it.

If I truly found my "soul mate" and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and make it "official" through some ritual concept referred to as "marriage", and then to sire offspring . . . and I can't even project any sarcastic or cynical meaning to that since it's simply inconceivable, so to speak, none of it would have involved the parents.

In other words, if I did have the drive to live some sort of normative life with a love of my life and kids, I would have likely cut all relations with my parents. My parents couldn't have anything to do with any relationship of mine with someone else, nor with any kids that we had. No fucking way. All they were in that regard was negative and chaos, and not something I would want perpetuated.

My relationship with my parents, and what toxicity they cultivated, simply doesn't include a relationship that involves those things. As such, if that were a path I wanted to take, it would have meant severing all financial ties as well; meaning a strong enough desire and ambition to find my own financial way in the world would have been required. A career, making money, being sustainable; what just about everyone normatively does anyway.

And I never had that ambition or desire. I never found that love of my life that would have superseded my financial attachment and dependence on the parents. Much too lazy? Maybe. The point is that they aren't entirely to blame. They were a major factor, but the decision was mine.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Last night in New Jersey, and as short as two weeks may sound, I'm glad to be going home tomorrow. Two weeks was enough.

In addition to basically my first week here spent at the resort, it's winter and it's cold. I have no access to a car here, no bicycle as my road bike was damaged the last time I visited, not that I would go out on bike in this cold. Public transportation is laughable. Parents are retired, so no alone time at the house to practice drums or make noise. And their internet is butt-slow.

On my last day here, I took my parents' car and went on a shopping spree spending almost $600. I got two sets of earbud headphones: Bose noise canceling and Monster noise isolating iSport Victory models.

I've been using Monster iSport Immersion earbuds for almost a year and they're probably on their last legs. I gave them a thumbs down because of poor construction and design. That model has been discontinued and replaced with the iSport Victory.

I was hesitant to go for Monster again because of the Immersion problems, but despite the problems they sounded incredible and I didn't know what else to get since the Bose are too expensive to be my daily active headphones. Fortunately, it seems the Victory model is better designed and possibly more robust. I'll wait until the Immersion dies before I really start using them.

Finally I got a Jawbone Mini Jambox, almost on a whim. I don't keep up with new products and technology at all, but I've heard about these portable, decent sound quality speakers, and I'm planning to use this on my nightstand to help get through insomnia.

I've been playing music during insomnia on my sound system across the room, and it's kinda too far away. I don't want to turn it up because I don't want to disturb neighbors. So the Mini Jambox is spoiling myself to be able to listen to music in good quality while I can't sleep.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I went into New York today to go to the 9/11 memorial site and museum. I kinda felt it was an obligation as an American citizen to go, especially being such an easy trip from New Jersey. It was a pilgrimage to the site of, historically speaking, the worst day of my life.

I noticed the newly completed and opened Freedom Tower from the New Jersey Turnpike right after I arrived. It's huge and appeared to dwarf the Empire State Building further uptown. "Muscular" was the word that came to mind. And that only the spire gives its claim of great height.

The reflecting pools created out of the footprints of the Twin Towers were appropriate and allowed for peaceful reflection.

The museum was pretty intense. I didn't make it through. I reached a point of saturation at some point and just had to leave. Having spent over 2 and a half hours there and needing to meet someone for dinner also precipitated a hasty exit.

My sister-in-law summed it up with why she didn't want to go to the museum yet. Too soon. That's exactly it. Everyone who went through 9/11 and its ongoing aftermath knows everything there is to know about it.

I certainly didn't learn anything new, per se. But it was meaningful, albeit intense, to be in that space and around artifacts of that day. Important to note is that the museum is underground and built around the footprints of the former Twin Towers, now marked by the reflecting pools above, and by the preserved iron bases of the foundation columns below.

The preservation of the footprints above and below, I think, are all-important to attest where the buildings physically stood. Various exhibits now attest to what had been there before.

But I had to meet Liz at Katz's Deli at 5:30. Liz is a friend from high school and she's currently the person I've known the second longest in my life, family notwithstanding. We were on the track team together and we also dated for a short while.

I'm not sure what to say about Liz, except that she's good at keeping in touch with people and not carrying over baggage. We were just two old friends meeting up after a long period of time. Can't say there was a whole lot of meaning to it. Just two old friends meeting up to say hi.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I just realized I hadn't iterated my recent use of "chaos". The recent mantra has been "Don't be the chaos", i.e., in other people's lives, the disruption, the unpredictable, uncertainty or frustration. The meditation is to pay attention to the disruptions we cause to other people, while also trying to not be affected by other people's chaos.

My parents are the natural and automatic chaos in my life without even trying to be. Like the car incident. They didn't maintain their own car, and when I offer a favor to drive my brother to the office in their stead, I feel the consequence of the chaos they create. They also have an uncanny ability to call at the worst possible times. Even with good intentions, it ends up as chaos.

The chaos doesn't have to be big. It's not necessarily bad. It's definitely subjective and interpretive. It's a little bit hyperbole, but also not. Some may relate it to karma, which I wouldn't deny.

I was a little bit of chaos to my brother's family when I was waffling in indecisiveness about whether to go with them to Philly or not. They had a set time schedule for the day and I put minor ripples into it. They possibly-probably don't see it that way, but I'm just being mindful of my own role.

I'm glad I went to Philly, it shouldn't have been such a hard decision. I wouldn't have made it down there for a visit this time otherwise. It's my first time visiting since they moved into a new house, and that was something that had to happen, and if it didn't happen now at the perfect opportunity, it may have gotten awkward.

It was a short visit, I stayed two nights and no one broke a stride in their routine for me. I had Monday all to myself and I walked about downtown Philly. Ate at DiNic's at Reading Terminal Market because I saw it on the "Man vs. Food" TV show. Good eats.

A poppyseed bagel with lox cream cheese also helped make my food experience. Still no decent bagels in Taiwan. I should've also fit in a Philly cheesesteak in there somewhere since it would've fit well with the no broken strides in routine thing (better to feed myself). I think too much, though.

I left Tuesday morning by train to New York Penn Station – the Septa transfer to NJ Transit in Trenton way, very well described on tripadvisor (you buy the tickets at the NJ Transit ticket machine near the Septa ticket counter at 30th Street Station). Another bagel with cream cheese affirmed that Philly bagels are decent. Easily comparable to New Jersey, not so much so with New York because of the water thing.

After getting to New York, I visited the Intrepid Air and Space Museum before taking a bus from the 42nd St. Port Authority to New Jersey. What crap NJ Transit is.

November was "space month" on Discovery Channel Science, and that made me want to visit the Intrepid, and specifically the Space Shuttle Enterprise. The Enterprise never went into space and so it was in fairly pristine condition. I'd like to visit the Smithsonian in Washington where the Space Shuttle Discovery is housed. Apparently the curator wanted the Discovery basically in the condition after it landed after its final mission with no touching up or making over.

I had a food misstep in New York going to Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips fast food. I thought it would be a nostalgia thing, but it's for kids. After having real British style fish & chips as an adult, Arthur Treacher's is crap. I did grab a slice of pizza before heading to New Jersey, and it was mind-blowingly good.

Philadelphia, PA

So my brothers and their families all arrived at the resort on Thanksgiving day around noon-ish just before the big Thanksgiving meal. It was strange at that time that I had already been there for 24 hours and by the end of that day it was strange thinking that it was still their first day.

I was mostly dreading the trip because I didn't know anything about it, but it turns out we rented a whole house at the resort, so I had my own room to which I could and often did retreat. I didn't have to deal with the parents or the awkwardness or chaos of the nieces and nephews. It wasn't that bad.

One of my brothers' family is total chaos. I actually went over to their house the night I arrived from Taiwan and it was a total circus. I could see my sister-in-law caught with head underwater in the whirling rapids with hardly any chance to get a breath. It's hard to believe the great humor and grace with which she handles the situation. She deserves an award.

My other brother's kids are the total opposite: well-behaved, disciplined. If they can be described as soldiers standing at attention, the other brother's kids are like a bunch of baby squirrels playing in the first snow.

The parents continue to be sheer chaos. This was supposed to be a family vacation weekend celebrating their supposed 50th anniversary. But my mother scheduled with my oldest brother for him to go to work on Saturday, with her driving him all the way back to the office and then driving back to the resort afterwards. 

Whatever, all that is none of my business. However, even with the already existing tension with the parents, I offered to drive my brother at the last minute. Even though it was none of my business what arrangements they made for my brother to go to work on Saturday, once they were made, it only made sense for multiple reasons that I do the driving. I meant it as a favor, I'm sure my mother didn't see it as a favor.

The start of the parents' role as chaos began once me and my brother headed out in pre-dawn hours in my parents' car. It was quickly apparent in the mountain road darkness that without high-beams on, the car basically had no headlights. 

The left low-beam was completely out, a fact that I had already pointed out to them on my first day back. The right low-beam was damaged in a fender bender over a year ago that they never got fixed so that the beam pointed in a direction no where near the center of the road. 

Driving on the mountain roads, at points where it was completely safe, I turned off the high-beams and it was like I had turned off all the lights. Every time I had to shut off the high-beams due to on-coming traffic, I also had to slam on the brakes because I couldn't see anything and drive using the line immediately on the right side of the road. 

We had to drive on and deal with it, but since it was pre-dawn with few other cars on the road, it was manageable. Once we hit the interstate, the sky was just getting light, but I opined that if a cop saw us, he'd probably pull us over. So until the sky brightened sufficiently, I shadowed any vehicle in front of me both for safety, and to avoid how obvious our lack of headlights was.

The issue was what to do going back. My brother said that if we departed after three, we would certainly be driving in the dark once we got back to the mountain roads to the resort. Our options were to try to fix the bulb (which would be totally in his realm since I have no idea about any of that), or take his other car. 

The fixing option didn't pan out. He could pull it off if we had more time, but we didn't. But he did tell our parents about the issue, and the mother then called me and asked me to take the car to get it fixed. That was the chaos that sent me near over the edge. Mindfulness practice engaged, I didn't go over the edge. 

But I was furious. I reject cars. I got rid of my car. I got sick of the headache of maintenance and all the baggage that comes with cars. And here I am for just two weeks and the chaos asks me to take her car in for repair. 

I did half-assedly look for the repair shop she mentioned. I couldn't find it. When she gives directions, it's totally from her subjective point of view and doesn't take into account how other people might see things. 

One of my brothers acknowledges that about her. He doesn't listen to her driving instructions because they're so subjective as to be useless. She describes what she did and tells him that and it's nonsense to him, as opposed to when I give him directions when the first thing I ask is what does he see so we can coordinate our bearings (this happened when they were driving to the resort). 

For the return trip, my brother rejected my impulsive idea to just take their fucking car back to them and let them deal with it, so we ended up taking his other car. I didn't look at or talk to the parents until just before leaving the resort (which was just until the next morning).

I was furious (sorta), my other brother invited me to stay at his house for a few days, and I decided to accept. Not wanting to drive with my parents back to New Jersey or deal with them in any way was no small part of the decision to go to Philly. So the last thing I said to them was confirming they were alright driving my brother's car. 

So that's why I'm in Philly now. 

Funny thing about this traveling and insomnia, I have been maintaining morning sitting. Before leaving for the resort last Wednesday, departure was delayed so I started sitting. So it happened that when everyone was ready, I stuck my sitting cushion into my luggage which was otherwise near empty. 

As insomnia continued, I would get up early in the pre-dawn and do sitting, which was very pleasant in the mountain quiet. After the manifestation of chaos on Saturday, on Sunday morning I was sitting and thinking about the chaos when a huge blue throne-like block visualized before me and said "LET IT GO!". I thought that's probably a good idea.

Some resort in Pennsylvania

The flight from Taipei to New Jersey was grueling. 16 hours of flying, but full travel time was 24 hours, including time getting to the airport and waiting in between flights. And it was Groundhog Day upon reaching LAX since I arrived around the same time I was at Taoyuan airport the night before (both were Monday night), waiting for a flight that took off at roughly the same time.

A mere 24 hours after arrival, the dreaded Thanksgiving weekend trip commenced with a drive into the mountains. A drive that should have taken a little over 2 hours, but snowfall made it a treacherous 5 hour ordeal which could have been worse without my constant brow-beating my mother to slow the fuck down.

And unfortunately the increasing snow through the day delayed the arrival of my brothers and I was stuck alone with the parents until they arrived today on Thanksgiving. Fortunately the resort fed us well and amply.

A little over a year ago I could barely eat at all, and since then I've been OK although I had to be careful because the slightest over-eating would send me into an unpleasant, uneasy feeling food coma. Actually that happened right before I got on the plane, making the flight even more unpleasant.

Now here at this resort I'm stuffing myself three times a day and snacking in between. My intestines feel like I'm making sausage. It's a one time thing, so I'm allowing it. And who knows whether it might change something in my gut for the better. Maybe all food issues will disappear.

Insomnia has persisted since leaving Taiwan. I may have gotten a couple hours sleep on the 11 hour trans-Pacific flight, but none from LA to Newark, and since then sleep at night has been touch and go with no settling into sleep. Which may explain the absence of food comas, since they may be masked by insomnia-induced fatigue.

Well, that was another boring post.

I don't know if I've mentioned anything about this, but I leave tomorrow for New Jersey for two weeks. If I haven't mentioned anything about it, it's because I've been dreading it; trying to block it out of my mind, hoping it will go away.

I really, really, really, really wish I wasn't going on this trip.

The only reason I agreed to go was I was trying to be a "good son". Parents mentioned it's their "50th anniversary", and they want to do something together as a family so I agreed.

"Something together" turns out to be Thanksgiving weekend at some resort in the Poconos.

Only later did I question "50th anniversary"? Any anniversary?! We're not the type of family that pays attention to anniversaries. Even without the kids, I've never heard of my parents celebrating any anniversary. The fact that they even got married is a total mystery. They've never talked about it or mentioned it, but as a family that doesn't talk about anything except the most superficial and meaningless things, of course they never would.

And this "something together as family"? All we've ever done together "as family" has been narrowly defined. If we all happen to be in the area, meaning me coming from wherever I'm living at a given time, the most we've ever done is gather at someone's house having ordered out a feast of Chinese food.

A resort? Everyone confined in this limited space for the entire Thanksgiving weekend? Quelle horreur. The focus will have to be my brothers' kids, my nephews and nieces. Me and my brothers can talk, but add in the parents and there is nothing to talk about. We aren't the talking type of family.

The last time we "did something as family" that wasn't a meal of take-out Chinese food was when I was in high school and my parents dragged us on a vacation in Europe. It was miserable. I was threatening to run away in England to get away from them permanently. It was a war zone in my teens.

So one reason I'm keeping this visit to a minimum of two weeks is because of the ridiculousness of this proposition. Also because it's winter. Also because I won't have a car. Also because parents are retired.

Since the last time I visited three and a half years ago, the situation has changed so that visits have near zero appeal. I'm just going to hunker down and try to disappear. Whatever imaginings the parents have of me being there is diametrically opposed to anything I am.

I don't know what the parents think they can pull off, but whatever they imagine for their lives now that they're retired, if it includes me, they're sadly mistaken. We're not that kind of family. If they want things to be a certain way now, they should have thought about that a long time ago to make it possible.

But the way they raised us was incommunicado. There was no communication, they didn't cultivate "doing things together". As such, I think it's ridiculous that they can hope for it now, and I'm not willing to go along with it.

They mention family reunions every year now. No. They contemplate it because they're retired and have the time for it. It's in their convenience. They never did any work to cultivate any family feelings. And as much as they've provided, they've never sacrificed anything for their children. The money they provided, they were making for themselves as well. The money they spent was a mandatory part of their world view where siring progeny was expected.

Xizhi-Wanli Rd. (汐萬路 2,018 ft.):

北3 Danshui->Beitou (1,121ft. climb):

Rte. 109->深坑->full bikeways home:

I now have my own personal MRT station! I allow so-called "members of the public" to use it, but I consider it my own. This new "Songshan" MRT line opened on Saturday and runs along Nanjing East Road, which is a major boulevard that I use as the reference point to tell people where I live. It's a three minute walk to the station.

I've never been so close to a major rapid transit system (i.e., not buses). In Noe Valley I was pretty close to a light rail line, but San Francisco's light rail was part of the MUNI bus system. It wasn't BART.

The closest I lived to a BART station was in Daly City, about a 10 minute walk, but BART was not a very versatile rapid transit system. It was basically a commuter system from Bay Area suburbs to downtown San Francisco. It had a single set of tracks that ran through San Francisco and every train on all lines stopped at each of those stations.

This new Songshan line of Taipei's MRT system has transfers to multiple lines which opens up convenient possibilities to quickly get to a lot more places than BART could ever boast. It will be seen if this is a life-changing thing in terms of daily life. Especially on rain days when I can't go out on bike. On the other hand, it's still public transportation; still a drag.

Another big deal about having an MRT line open so close is that the value of my apartment probably just skyrocketed. This means that I owe my cousin Audrey that much more for setting me up here since this is her uncle's property and she's the one who got me in here at a discounted price six years ago.

The night before last was another eight hour dead sleep. I'm not sure what that means having two nights like that in a row. Fatigue from all the poor sleep and that climb up to Yangmingshan? I don't know. Fatigue usually doesn't affect insomnia, but maybe I was SOOO fatigued that . . .

Maybe. Because I wanted to go the gym yesterday, but realized I was just too tired and that it would be a bad idea. It wasn't a matter of not wanting to get out and using that as an excuse to not go. I actually wanted to go and realized I was too tired. I even ended up taking a nap which I rarely do in the afternoon, so that all attests to being smart taking a rest day.

This morning I was back to back-end insomnia but with a twist. And it was a marginal back-end insomnia because I think I got almost five hours sleep before waking up. Five hours is enough rest to not consider it insomnia, even if I would like to sleep a few more hours. The twist was in the dreams. During the slides into light sleep that occur during back-end insomnia I do sometimes dream, I've mentioned before.

The first dream just naturally happened, a lot of random elements, no real plot. A tourist bus at a stop, lots of people. Then a distraction in a café and then realizing that I was late to rejoin the group, but my shoes were missing and I had to find them first. All the people were gone except for one little kid who was running back to the bus, also late, and I yelled to him, "Matthew! Tell them I'm right behind you". But running all over the site, I couldn't find my shoes. I was barefoot, anxious, I was making people wait for me, I was alone, there was no sign of my shoes. It sucked. I didn't like the feeling. 

I stopped and thought, "Forget it, I'm not doing this. I'm pushing out". I didn't think I was sleeping and dreaming, but there was an element of recognition that I could get out. On some level I must have been aware that it was a dream and I was forcing myself to wake up, but I didn't actually think I was lucid dreaming. But I pushed "up", upward towards consciousness, I suppose. I went up through several layers, even doubting if this was going to work, wondering how would I know what was waking reality and not another dream? But I finally visualized what I should see if I was awake and saw my room and the environs and then I opened my eyes and there I was.

And then I was frustrated with myself because I was having insomnia, I had fallen asleep since I was dreaming, and in the dream I forced myself awake. That was a groggy thought, though, since I know that kind of sleep is very light and I would've waken up anyway.

But that's not even the twist! The twist is at least two times afterwards I was able to push myself back down into a dream. I wasn't pushing myself into sleep but into a dream state. In an insomniac haze, I thought of trying it, visualized the sinking down out of wakefulness and it worked! 

The first one was very fragile and I knew it was tenuous and tried to move as little as possible while stuff happened around me. The dream started in a room and I could see out a window and saw some Asian faces, but then the scene was a collegiate-feeling urban courtyard and I couldn't tell if people were hostile or not.

A later dream I forced myself down into was more stable and I was aware that I was dreaming. In fact, I was so aware of it that there was a part with a woman I knew in California and I thought, "I'm dreaming, I can totally grab her boobs" and did and she had no problem with it. My, my, my, what the hell is my subconscious doing for realz? Just goes to show no matter how old a guy is, there's a libidinous 16-year old boy in there somewhere.

There was also a part where I was on a bus and one person there knew I was dreaming and another who didn't. I was looking out the window to try to get a reference to where it was so I could look it up later and see if it was a place I'd been before. Except I was having trouble reading, and what I could read I couldn't retain a memory of. The person who didn't know I was dreaming asked me what I was doing and I told him and he helped read out a place name, and I did retain that name even after waking up, but thinking I could remember it, left it at that and . . . have since forgotten it. Of course.

A lot of random, chaotic dream elements not worth mentioning, aside from knowing I was a dreamer and investigating the dream world. One thing I noticed was the feeling of each dream scene as being enclosed. Like being on that bus, but the bus wasn't traveling. It was moving but it wasn't leaving that town.

Another part involved being in a house with a bunch of people (there was a woman with a moustache and a penis, or maybe just a naked man, I didn't linger) and I couldn't find my way out of the house. I could see where the exits were, but couldn't navigate myself there. It felt like there were definite borders to each dreamscape that people might not notice if they were just dreaming.

The night before last was a full insomnia night: inability to maintain sleep on the front-end, unsettled fading in and out on the back-end. It was less than a week since the previous bout of full insomnia. That's not debilitating. 

Since weather permitted yesterday, I decided to go on my planned ride up Yangmingshan, the highest climb in the Taipei area which I haven't done in probably 4 or 5 years. The climb was fine. It's a challenging climb so I didn't mind going down to the granny gears at times. I don't think I ever went down to the lowest gear which means I was never anywhere near tapping out.

I gather Yangmingshan isn't actually a mountain as I thought at first. It may not even refer to a range. It is the name of the national park that contains Taipei's highest peak(s). The highest peak is called Seven Stars Mountain (七星山 Qixingshan). The main road that climbs up to that peak offers two alternatives. One road circles around the peak and heads back through Yangmingshan to Taipei proper. That's the route I usually think of when going up there.

The other road heads north out of Yangmingshan and descends to the north coast area and Danshui. That's the one I did yesterday and I think it actually reaches a higher altitude than the one that circles the Seven Stars peak, but I'll have to do that ride to confirm it's highest altitude. Doing that route meant traveling farther than if I had looped back into Taipei directly, and the ride exceeded 40 miles. So hopefully I expended enough energy to improve sleep, despite my type of insomnia having nothing to do with fatigue or tiredness.

And I did sleep solidly last night. A dead sleep until the end. Today was rain so I went to the gym, but energy levels were low and I attribute that to the combination of insomnia and exertion of yesterday's ride. Nothing unexpected.

After the Yangmingshan climb and the 40-mile+ route, I did reward myself on the way home by stopping off at what may be considered a Western-style deli, called 1bite2go in Shilin, with a corned beef sandwich. Absolute heaven.

Yangde->Yangmingshan->101甲 (2,753 ft.):

Xiadongshi 下東勢 Rd.->Chinese Cultural U. (1,312 ft.):

I tried this route up to Yangmingshan that was completely new to me, not using Yangde Rd, which is the main road up. I know there are numerous roads that go up from Beitou District, but they are mountain routes and very confusing unless you're a local and use them regularly. I plotted this route using Google maps street view and it seemed pretty defined. And fucking hella steep actually doing it! That's the reason Yangde is the main road to Yangmingshan, it's longer, but not as hard.

I had all but forgotten how wretched full insomnia is. Recently my sleep has been consistently unsettled on the back-end, but never enough to call it insomnia. Then the night before last night I had a remarkable full night sleep; solid eight hours, no waking, no dreaming. Rather than being refreshing, I think I was a bit dull and dead the whole day. That's not unusual.

Then similarly out of the blue, last night was full insomnia. I played three full mix CDs, which is 4 hours, and though I started sliding into sleep during the third CD, I was never totally out. Some songs I don't remember at all, so I must have gone below the threshold of sleep, but never for long. Most of the time, even when I was on the fringe of sleep, I could hear the song playing, even if I wasn't conscious enough to identify the song until I came up enough.

After four hours, it was 7 a.m. and at that point I stopped turning music on and for the next three or four hours it was like the usual unsettled back-end sleep; constant waking up and fading out. That kind of unsettled sleep after three or four hours of regular sleep doesn't qualify as insomnia. On the back-end of insomnia qualifies it as full insomnia. If I managed to fall completely asleep at 7 a.m., then it would've been a night of front-end insomnia.

Even being disconcerted by the full insomnia, the weather was nice as forecast and I decided to go on a planned bike ride. Cumulatively insomnia has its effect, but just one night is nothing. And going into winter I want to take advantage of any nice days as there will be weeks on end of no riding soon enough.

Having been able to climb hills recently, I decided to make a foray up the Yangmingshan National Park range (which includes the highest peak in the Taipei area, Qixing (Seven Stars), although I didn't do that today). It's the first time going up there with GPS so part of the reason is to make sense of the mess of roads and bike routes up there. It's a well-settled mountain, hardly backroads.

I went up from the only southeast access road off Zhishan. That way is pretty steep with lots of switchbacks. The highest point I reached was decent at below 1,700ft., but doing more of the mountain range goes considerably higher. Getting close to 1,700ft. on some Taipei area climbs is success, but in Yangmingshan, it's just passing through.

Yangmingshan from Zhishan Rd. exploratory foray:

I live in a third floor one-room studio apartment with a window whose view is the apartment building opposite across a tiny alley. I never get direct sunlight; sometimes an oblique sunlight early in the morning when the sun is rising. I'm rarely fully awake at that time but catch it during insomnia.

Sounds coming out of other apartments are reflected in the alley and I can often hear activity in other apartments. Mostly conversations, sometimes arguments, that I can't understand or the sound of cooking and the attendant fragrance.

It's mostly non-intrusive, except for one apartment that I can't locate where some kid is having a horrible childhood. I've lived here for over six years and the child was born in that time. I remember hearing the infant cries. There may be a second infant by now.

But the first infant has grown somewhat, enough to have his disturbed, battleaxe of a grandmother, I'm guessing, hollering at him in a banshee screech whenever she perceives he's done something wrong. Even when the child starts wailing, she continues screaming at him. It's child abuse as far as I'm concerned, and this woman should be arrested and put into therapy.

As I mentioned, I can't locate the apartment. It might be the one directly above me. I know they have small children. I've seen the stroller, I've picked up tiny slippers that had fallen off in the stairwell and brought them up and put them outside their door.

But even if I could locate the apartment, what am I gonna do? I don't speak the language. And it's controversial whether calling the police is the best course of action, acknowledging the sad state of social services in this regard.

I thought of seeking out public social services which might have informational flyers on domestic violence and child abuse and suggestions on what to do. I've noticed that the main front doors of apartment buildings around here have clear plastic pockets where community notices can be posted.

I thought maybe if I could get informational flyers, I could put them on all the main doors in the area, which at least might put the abusive family on notice that someone notices. But even doing that seems way beyond my means to pursue. I'm still in touch with my last Mandarin teacher and we get together every once in a while. I suppose I'll brainstorm with her when we meet again.

Until then, I decided, if I ever hear abuse happening, I'm going to place my meditation bell right by the window and ring it at intervals in mindfulness fashion for the duration of the screaming and crying.

After 3 mornings of fading in and out sleep with continued crazy, carnival-esque dreams, I should have and did anticipate insomnia; back-end this morning after 3 hours of sleep. On the other hand I could have reverted to normal sleep like I had last week. There are no patterns or predictors what sort of sleep I'll have.

And it's useless to make any connection between insomnia and the fact that I went on a ride yesterday with over 2,700' of climbing total. That's a lot for me these days. The most in a long time, I shouldn't wonder. It did entail, however, freely allowing myself to go down to the granny gear and even the lowest gear and going as slow as I was able. At my age, it's encouraging that when every next section of climbing appeared, I just had at it and tackled it despite being at no impressive strength or speed.

Energy expenditure has nothing to do with insomnia, nor does fatigue. Yesterday was a warm one as days have been getting cooler into autumn. Climbing was hot and when I got home, I used the air con to lower my core temp (air con has been off for several weeks now). My body temperature remained high into the evening and night and it may or may not have contributed to insomnia.

Today was a wreck. Probably because I started drinking even though insomnia. I think there's a window in which insomnia combined with alcohol leads to a mess of a day. If I had managed to lay off for several hours, I may have been fine. Instead I put on a DVD of a movie, "Suzhou River"; an art/foreign film I used to love, but I'm not sure where I stand with film now. I enjoyed watching it, but not with the depth I did when the film first came out. I suspect the same with many films I've bought on DVD over the years.

I drank through the course of watching the film and did manage some zzzz's afterwards. Riding and gym were eliminated as options but I productively got laundry done. Including my sheets, which requires going to a laundromat to dry them before use at night.

Laundromat has come to mean Domino's pizza, which is on the way to the laundromat. Wash the sheets at home, en route to dry them place an order at Domino's, dry sheets, pick up order on the way home. In the U.S., I never ordered from Domino's, but here it's a taste of home. I'm not sure I appreciated it as much slightly sloshed as I would sober.

To recap since my last post, it was definitely a low-grade cold that kept me in all day on Tuesday, too. Sniffling, sneezing, not feeling too bad, but enough to convince me to stay home, although honestly it doesn't take a lot to do that. It's a daily labor to get myself out the door.

On Wednesday I went on a short, 20-mile "recovery/fitness" ride, even though it wasn't that bad of a cold. However, I hadn't eaten anything substantial those two days, so no gas. 20 miles was about all I could handle.

On Thursday I went on a more substantial 35-mile bikeway ride, also not having eaten much on Wednesday. I bonked towards the end and took a short-cut home. My leg muscles were fried.

Then yesterday and today were gym days. Yesterday I probably went too hard on running and felt some aches I shouldn't have, but today I'm feeling my strength and nutrition are normalizing.

Sleep has been good until this morning, but it wasn't insomnia. It was fading in and out, and then came the crazy dreams and the lucid dreaming. There was so much going on in this sequence of dreaming that trying to describe it would just be visual gibberish.

So many details I can't even begin to describe, when apparently a Namie Amuro song came on outside the dream on my CD player, and suddenly there she was in the dream and out of nowhere her background dancers arrive and they dance the song.

Then the next song comes on, a teeny-bopper Taiwanese pop song that I was embarrassed to have liked when I first heard it in 2005. But I've adopted the principle that if I listen to a song and it hooks me and I like it, I'm gonna accept it as a good song (but I accept the descriptive of 'bad song that I inexplicably like'; everyone has those), therefore it's on the CD. Unlike my musical integrity.

I think I may have wondered if that singer was going to show, but then Namie is still there in a different costume and performs this song (I don't remember what either of these performances looked like, just that they happened). When I faded out of sleep, I groggily thought I should've known it was a dream when Namie's costume changed without explanation.

So I thought (still not very clearly) that if I find myself in another dream, I'd try to kick myself into lucid dreaming by telling myself that I'd go out from wherever I was and run down the street and put both hands against a wall. It sounds completely bonkers writing it out now, but it made sense at the time.

I'm not sure I was all that successful. I did go into a dream and I remembered and ran out of wherever I was, but there was no street to run down, just like a lawn on a college campus. But I ran anyway, but then there was this kid running ahead of me and he got to the wall of a building and put both hands against it.

Yea, I think at this point I think my dreaming mind hijacked the lucid attempt and I was just dreaming. But it continues and becomes inception-ish because I was in the dream thinking I was lucid dreaming, and I was supposed to meet someone else who was also lucid dreaming and we had some mission to do.

So I'm at the meeting point but I don't know who it is, but I notice someone who looks suspicious and I tentatively approach, and he makes a tentative response and then decides I'm not the person he's supposed to meet, but then I remember there's a code and I call out the first phrase of the code, of which he's supposed to give me the response, and so we do make contact.

That line of dream doesn't get any more interesting, kind of a bust, and we part ways as I feel my sleep getting lighter, but then going back to where I started in the dream I realized I was on a U.S. college campus! Pizza! And in a few steps I'm in a food area and a pizza counter is right in front of me.

But I'm having trouble reading the options, so the pizza guy hands me a menu but I'm still having trouble reading it. Suddenly a line starts to form behind me, and I hate being the guy who gets to the front of the line (although I was already there) and hasn't decided what to order.

So the pizza guy makes a suggestion and I say, "Yea, that!", and he goes to start preparing the ingredients without ringing me up first. While he's doing that, I reach for my back pocket where I always put my cash these days and realize I only have Taiwanese money. And I realize the only way out of it is to wake up, which I did.

Kind of a quasi-lucid dream.

* a final note about that insidious Taiwanese pop song that no one needs to know: I liked the song in 2005. I didn't get into K-pop until roughly 2010. If someone pressed me to name my favorite K-pop act, it wouldn't be a second Hallyu wave group, but solo singer Lee Jung Hyun who came to prominence during the domestic first Hallyu wave in the mid- to late-90s. It turns out that the Taiwanese song is a re-make of a Lee Jung Hyun song. Bam. (and strangely I think the Taiwanese song is "slightly better" because the hooks are clearer)

My body needs a better means of communication with my brain. Today was an absolute ride or gym day, but neither was happening. Sleep has been alright for the past several days, so no disruption there.

I am a baseball fan, so I did turn on the National League series live after waking up and morning regulars, including sitting. But the communications going on between body and brain regarding getting out for a ride or to the gym afterwards were just ridiculous.

The bottom line being the body has a bit of a cold, sniffle and sneezing, which is a legitimate reason for calling off physical activity, but then my body needs to communicate that clearly to my brain. Not all this waffling through the afternoon about it.

Ultimately I didn't get out at all today. Fine. I was sick. Tomorrow, no excuse. If I'm sick, it's not that bad. Ride or gym or just get out.

I had a flurry of unsettled sleep this past weekend, but last Thursday into Friday I had unequivocal back-end insomnia. It settles my prior mention of insomnia as not being insomnia. Mere unsettled sleep is not insomnia. Insomnia is the switch flipping and nothing happening; unable to sleep, fuhgeddaboudit. Even constant waking up and drifting off into fragile doze is still not insomnia. There is rest still being accomplished.

I finished my most recent recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I don't know if it's a new thought, but it affirmed for me that the recitation isn't strict and should be thought about and can be altered to given situations. As I mentioned before, I would think about removing any suggestive negative portions; don't even bring that stuff up. Reading it that way is fine for contemplation, but I'm uneasy about it in directed recitations.

Also, something I noticed is that there are passages that seem out of place. Deep within some description of a bardo phase might be a general descriptive that sounds like it would be much better as an introduction. From a narrative point of view, it would seem logical that the passage was stated earlier. So I might go through my edition of the book and make notes and rearrange passages.

That sort of deconstruction might be influenced by one of my recent reads on the Hebrew Bible (the Christians' so-called "Old Testament"), Richard Elliott Friedman's Who Wrote the Bible? I gather the book is nothing new amongst biblical scholars, and is only one voice in an ongoing scholarly debate about the origins of the Bible.

To me it was fascinating. I know next to nothing about the Hebrew Bible except what is generally known culturally (Christian culture); the names and stories are familiar. I've gone through a phase of fascination about how the New Testament came about, and it's nothing what most Christians believe or are taught.

I don't accept the Christian co-option of the Hebrew Bible and making it their "Old Testament". I find that nonsensical and offensive, given how much anti-Semitism there is and how Christianity rejects Judaism and denies that Jesus was Jewish or disconnects Jesus from his Jewishness. It's the ultimate in cultural appropriation whereby a culture is stolen and claimed as its own and original claims to its own culture denied. If the "Old Testament" is part of the Christian tradition, so is Judaism. Accept it, respect it.

I digress. Anyway, it's a fascinating and compelling read which in its course guided me through the history of Judaism as told in the bible, and although nothing new to people well-read in the subject, was a bit of a breakthrough for me.

I also take it as a sign of human progress when so-believed sacred, ancient texts are challenged. Generations and generations are told and taught a certain work is one thing, but then someone comes along with a critical mind and notices something wrong and asks what's really going on.

None of the critical scholarship on the Hebrew Bible, which began in the 19th century, is definitive, but it seems there's a lively debate going on about the sources of the bible and when it was written and by whom. It's compelling when the evidence suggests who the authors were and what their interests were.

Triumph! My method in trying to get my climbing legs in shape has been wrong all year. I kept getting discouraged struggling on what I was calling "training climbs". Actually the climb I kept struggling on was an actual climb, not just a trainer.

It's not high, it's not long, but it has challenging steep sections for someone my age. If I had to categorize Taipei climbs, it would be a category 5. The lowest in difficulty, but it's not an automatic breeze to get up it like my other training climbs.

Anyway, all this year I've been trying to prepare for bigger climbs, only to be thwarted by long periods off-bike because of weather or being discouraged by struggling on training rides. 

Recently I had a spell off-bike for no reason. There has been fine weather in the past few weeks and I couldn't make it out for a single ride. I even finally bought one of those chain-cleaning machines to alleviate the guilt of not maintaining my bike properly (although I wonder if part of the difficulty getting out on a ride is because my chain was finally pristine and I didn't want to muck it up!).

So coming into this most recent opportunity to get out on a ride, I said fuck it, no more training climbs. I'm hitting the big climbs and see what happens. I'll freely go down to the lowest granny gear, I'll crawl at 3 miles per hour, and if I really can't go on, I WILL abandon and come back down and do whatever alternative ride and not be disappointed.

So I chose the closest obvious big climb to do in the mountains north of Taipei, starting in Neihu and riding up to a gap from where you can alternatively go to Wanli on the northeast coast, or come back to Taipei's Shilin district, or take any of several routes on the same side (south) of the mountain range down to Xizhi and return to Taipei.

I had no expectations. I could have abandoned as soon as I hit the lower slopes of the climb. And, yea, I felt it right away. Immediately I was struggling with breathing and focused on maintaining cardio-vascular stability; deep breaths to get any remaining alcohol metabolized through my system.

For breakfast I had half of a leftover Quizno's tuna sub and that was in my stomach. I usually don't eat breakfast or eat much before rides, and I felt it when my stomach decided it needed to digest it in a rush for more energy.

I don't know how physiology works, but I felt the sharp pain in my stomach as I continued on the climb, and it felt like an increase of acid to metabolize the sandwich into energy. Anyway, the pain didn't last long, and the higher I went, the higher the gear I was riding on.

It could be that the slopes are steeper lower down and ease off higher up, but I was able to get off the granny gear higher up. The important thing is I didn't abandon. My condition is no where near where it was when I was riding in San Francisco, and I'm not so reticent about riding in lower gears. Now, if I can manage it, no matter what gear, I'm alright with it.

And I completed the climb. Unfortunately it wasn't the 2,000 ft. climb I thought it was. It was 1,950'. Psychological disappointment. In these cases, you want to break that 2,000 ft. threshold. And as many routes lead up to that pass, they only go as high as 1,950'. I'm targeting a climb over to Pingxi next.

This after a night of total insomnia. After several incidents of one-offs of insomnia, this appears to be a stretch of it. A stretch of back-end insomnia maybe I can deal with, but add in total insomnia, well I guess I'll just report on it. 

I'm still continuing my recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead for RiSe and EunB, although by now I'm under no illusion that it is actually in any way "for" them. I'm not thinking my recitation has had any "real" effect on what is happening to them after death beyond "who knows?". They presumably don't have the background or training to be affected, even if many of the ground assertions in the book of what happens after death are objectively something, somewhat accurate.

I put real in quotes above because real supposedly suggests something concrete. And I don't think anything is concrete. Even science is finding that fundamentally, objective reality is not something concrete, and the more they research, the weirder they find the nature of reality is.

How much more so any description or attestation of the after-death experience, and especially one that purports to be more than the fairly tales offered by subjective moral-driven imaginations of religions.

I do think the Tibetan book is an enlightened template of the after death experience. I don't think it's the only one. I definitely don't think it's a universal description of what happens. I do think a lot of it is more for the reciter, the living, than the dead. Possibly intentionally so.

So when I say I do a recitation of the book on a particular situation, I don't strictly recite what's in the book. If something doesn't feel right for the person I'm concentrating on, I'll change it.

There are portions that describe horrible things that are happening in the bardo, many involving religion-specific imagery, and I wonder if they are unnecessarily negative. I think including those descriptions in the recitation may actually conjure up those images in the bardo experience. Those are for the living to reflect on, but for those in the bardo states, I prefer to keep things positive and not mention anything negative which might conjure negativity. It's a fine line between horrible but simply descriptive and unduly negative.

I do think the book can be written without the distinctly Buddhistic references and replacing them with more general spiritual, energy-centric experiences. The book was written from supposed recollections and resonances of actual enlightened experience, but it was still contextual actual enlightened experience. That context was Buddhism. The context can be removed to offer a more universally compelling description of that experience.

I don't know if this morning qualifies as back-end insomnia. Probably, actually. But I feel like brushing it off, having gotten a decent chunk of sleep before waking for the first time. Five hours-ish. That, in some cases, is a full night's sleep.

(Or not. I've described this before and declared it not to be insomnia. I'm OK with that, too).

Nice days happening now that autumn has arrived. For some reason, instead of going to the gym or on a ride, I just decided to head out on my street bike and see where I took myself.

I ended up in a cemetery I had no idea existed in Xinyi district. I was looking for one of the trail heads for elephant hill. I found it, but also found that even though the weather is cooler, it was still too hot, considering I wasn't dressed for a hike, to go up trail.

When I returned to where I locked my bike, I looked around and noticed the cemetery on a hillside. I hadn't noticed it before because the foreground was dominated by a parking lot, and the gate to the cemetery was kinda hidden (to a foreigner) between the parking lot and the road leading to the psychiatric hospital.

It was a great late afternoon to wander around in an unkempt, very neglected cemetery. It was hot, but there was also some nice breezes. I've given up any identity as a "photographer" hobbyist a long time ago, but for the first time since then I "saw" things, and still toting a point and shoot in my rucksack, I took some shots.

I gave up shooting for a number of reasons. The two foremost being the advent of the misnomered "smart phone" (granted the phones are probably smarter than the majority of the users), which invited everyone to take pictures of fucking everything and posting them fucking everywhere. They've largely rendered my type of photography irrelevant. You have to be really, really good to capture photos that stand out.

The other reason being that I just stopped "seeing" shots. That's what photography was to me. It was about seeing, noticing, finding. Visually that stopped happening. And I'm glad it stopped as part of the process of dropping away of ego and identity.

It's no great accomplishment since ego and identity are still very much here, but it was important in shedding away many of the superficial egos and identities that form our being and karma.

Photos added in September 2019 after downloading them from Canon IXUS 860 IS earlier in the summer 2019 (direct from flash drive, camera battery had long since died):

3:53 p.m.

3:56 p.m. - digital point and shoot black & white quality still leaves much to be desired.

4:02-4:07 p.m.

4:12 p.m. - I considered rotating this photo counter-clockwise, thinking it was askew due to my compositional problem resulting from apparently having one leg shorter than the other (as evidenced only in photos), but then realized the faint outline of Taipei 101 is the ultimate indicator of how askew a photo is. Admittedly, 101 isn't completely upright (and would require a clockwise rotation to correct), but I realized this was taken on an incline and the composition is just fine. 

Ah, so the fourth day in a row of back-end insomnia produces results. Awesome. Or not. The fatigue and distraction creeps in. Things just not seeming or feeling right.

Come to think of it, I did crash big time last night, ending up in a 20 minute nap and then being fine. Felt the same way tonight, too. Nearly shutting down while sitting and then standing up to prevent that, feeling like nearly passing out.

But if a short nap is all it takes to recover, how bad can it be? Questions I'm not qualified to answer.

After last week's inability to get out on bike or to the gym despite nice weather, I've been much better this week and I've been getting to the gym. Cycling to resume shortly into October.

After nursing my right Achilles to strength to prevent injury (after injuring and healing my left Achilles), the left Achilles has started to cause problems again, preventing me from going faster and farther on the treadmill. So I've been going either fast and short, or longer and slower.

It's been a month since that slow-speed bike crash that injured my pinky and it still hurts. Since I'm pretty sure there was no bone fracture nor other serious muscular or tendon damage, I'm thinking the pain is being caused by something related to nerves.

I don't know what that means, except that maybe the nature of the injury displaced a nerve which is being impinged and registering as "pain", even though there's no detriment to strength in the pinky nor aversion to further stress. I can punch a punching bag just fine.

It's similar to a cervical radiculopathy that I was diagnosed with before when I was drumming a lot in San Francisco. A nerve impingement in my upper vertebrae that caused pain in arm movement, but didn't feel like something was damaged. All it did was hurt. That also may be returning with physical activity in the form of weight training. I'm feeling the exact same pain.

I think I may have even posted about it at the time! This blog has been going on so long, I don't even know, but it rings a bell.

Something I don't know if I mentioned before is that I did see a chiropractor in San Francisco for something else – and that I know I blogged about because it was for a spinal injury resulting from riding a bike around Lake Tahoe (70+ miles) on a rented bike that was too big for me. I remember that well. It nearly killed me (not really, but it was really, really hard).

What I don't know if I mentioned is that when that chiropractor got my x-rays back, she asked me if I had been dropped on my head when I was a child. I think I replied that wasn't the first time I'd been asked that question. At least that should have been my answer.

What she meant, she explained, was that my cervical vertebrae (upper back and neck) were worn to the equivalent of someone 15 years or more older than my age at the time. I don't know if I made the connection back then between Dr. Wonson's x-ray and later cervical radiculopathy diagnosis.

But I do feel something in my neck vertebrae now. They crack often when I stretch. It all makes sense. I might want to take things easier.

Three nights in a row of back-end insomnia. But prior to that, a good ten-day run of no insomnia. And the back-end insomnia hasn't been that bad. Rather than complete sleeplessness, it has been the constant waking from light sleeps and restarting CDs. Not too bad.

Autumn is here. The first night I get home and don't immediately turn on the air con, I'm marking as the start of autumn. During the summer months, not once do I arrive home and not turn on the air con, at least for 20 to 30 minutes to get my body temp down. And whenever I turn on the air con, I set the timer for it to turn off in an hour, although I usually turn it off before then. Max one hour at a time.

Yea, I got nothin'

nature of my closest relationships, part 3

It took three days for her to realize I wasn't going to visit. Three days after her realization, I receive this.

Audrey:
September 23; 7:24 AM:
Good, see you soon

Speechless. It's not like it was an easy decision not to go, and it's not like my not going has no meaning. It's just further solidifying the complete break between us. Nothing negative or spiteful, just fact. 

the nature of my closest relations, part 2

Madoka:
August 28; 11:25 AM:
Hello Koji. Just wanted to say hello and thank you and I love you. love, madoka

Me:
August 28; 3:55 PM:
I love you, too!! I sometimes meditate on that love and it brings comfort in the storm of existence and thoughts. You're wonderful and often in my thoughts.

Her:
August 31; 6:34 PM:
Hi Koji, I just returned from 3 days at a zen temple and am now seeing your message. The temple was good. If that love brings some comfort, that makes me happy. You're wonderful and very special.

Me:
September 1; 2:50 AM:
I'm glad you had a good retreat. Reminds of the best times at Deer Park. Which then leads to why I left, but that's another story, nevermind, keep doing good!

Her:
September 1; 7:42 AM:
The temple I go to has a live-in dormitory for lay people. I've thought about moving there, but haven't due to a couple rules I'm not ready to follow. You have to commit to living there for 6 months (which would be ok), but you have to return every night by 9pm and cannot spend nights elsewhere. This would make it impossible for me to attend my meditation teacher's retreats and Friday night classes. So, I don't live there. But I really like the people there. I don't particularly enjoy the retreats, as my ankles and knees always start screaming after the 1st day, making thinking about my koans close to impossible, but even still, I feel something peeling away every time, so I go. Glad your pinky is doing better. love you, madoka

Me:
September 3; 1:56 AM:
I guess perhaps everywhere has its rules for their own reasons and you just have to make your own choices. Why are you experiencing pain when you're like a yoda master. I mean yoga master. Like a yoga yoda. If it's interfering, can't you just change to a simpler, non-painful position?

Her:
September 3; 6:55 AM:
Haven't quite got to the yoda level I actually don't do yoga asana that much. I hardly teach it anymore either. And I do change into a simpler position, but after the 2nd day, any cross legged position hurts. I think my hips, quads and ankles are tight...so, maybe I should do more asana. I actually started jogging on occasion because I need to lose weight. ha ha.

Me:
September 4; 2:54 AM:
Hm, that's not right. You mentioned pain before on retreat but I thought you were exercising hyperbole and humility(!). So even Burmese position is painful. Do they have and allow meditation stools in Japan? They're available in some U.S. meditation centers and take lode off of legs in cross-legged positions by raising center of gravity. In extreme cases, some places, including Deer Park, allow for sitting in chairs albeit not ideal. Otherwise, do you have a strategy in targeting and identifying the pain and dealing with the source? When my left Achilles tendon tore a week after joining a gym (on your birthday if I recall) and then the right one was proving to be weak, I enjoyed the challenge of figuring out a regimen of recovery and strengthening. After over 3 months, today I did my first 5K at an OK pace without a brace. So when you sit, in what position is it theoretically completely comfortable for the entire retreat? Also, when pain occurs, where is the pressure coming from and what alleviates it? Physical pain can be a distraction from mental focus, so this is pretty important. Don't just endure it. Also, have you identified a point when you realize physical therapy might be needed? Like my pinky still hurts, but it was an extreme bruise so I'm giving it a little leeway. But I am aware that if pain persists, I'll have to consider nerve damage, meaning having to figure out the whole annoying doctor thing. love always!

Her:
September 6; 3:14 PM:
Hi Koji, Thanks for the questions. If I am in so much pain that I cannot stand it, I can ask for a stool, but at this point, I think I would have to have an injury, since I've made it through without a stool for the past 5 years. They don't allow Burmese position at the temple I go to. I should probably do a more rigorous physical program to increase flexibility in my hips. One of my friends from zazen is a physical therapist...maybe I'll ask her for some suggestions too. It is kind of ironic for a yoga teacher to have this much trouble sitting...but I guess when it comes to the physical practice, I am on the negligent side. That is changing a bit though...recently the stagnation in my body and mind are clearing up a bit, and I'm moving more.

I don't think I know a position that would be theoretically comfortable for the whole retreat... I have to go now, but maybe I'll take a look at this a little more closely later. love, madoka

Me:
September 9; 1:54 AM:

OK, I see. So the pain for the past five years hasn't been so bad. Minimal to no mental distraction, able to keep reasonable meditative focus (not that I know what that is). Pain? What pain?
I'm perplexed by a lot of what you said, but I trust your approach to your experience and am hesitant to question it.
I'm not as tough as you. Whatever pain I feel I try to identify it and strategize how to deal with it (without involving doctors, of course). I'm also not as humble as you, a lot more arrogant and self-cherishing. Like I would have nothing to do with a monastery that discriminated against sitting positions or would only allow for stools if an injury were involved. That's too much emphasis on form and a lack of compassion and loving-kindness for my tastes (my interpretation). Your enduring the pain may indicate non-attachment to it? Very high level?
But maybe it wouldn't hurt to consult the physical therapist and be proactive about dealing with the pain. Mind and body connection. The physical pain energy may be connected to or sympathetic with some mental energy. Listen to yourself. love you

Her:
September 12; 10:41 AM:
 I can't say the pain is minimal to no mental distraction. It's quite a distraction. I don't know if it is because I am a wimp, or because it is actually that painful. But I do get distracted. The temple I go to is probably among the more strict for laypeople. The way I see it is, their rules are not so that we focus on form, but so that we let go of all the preconceived notions we have about wanting to do things our own way, or the way we think is better...and it allows for people to stop thinking about form when form is predetermined. But, if I need to relax my legs and loosen the position, I don't get hit with a stick. I haven't felt that they are being unreasonable. I don't know if my enduring the pain is high level...it's more like resignation? Every time I go to the temple, it gets a little bit easier. But just a bit. ha ha.
But, I agree, it wouldn't hurt to consult a physical therapist. It may be related to something mental/emotional too, but I haven't quite figured that out yet.
love, madoka

Me:
September 15; 12:55 AM:
Hm, so you're not at so high a level? That's a bit of a disappointment. Rare for you. But everyone should disappoint every once in a while. I'm workin' on it. (that's all totally a joke, mind you).

Truth to tell I'm at a loss for words at your description of the temple and rules. Yea, I'm not even going to go there. Not my business. Except to say, for myself, that I'm fairly confident that my own way that I think is better for me, preconceived or ego-driven or not, is decidedly better than whatever their way is (even if their way was to immediately transport me to enlightenment). Go fig (also may be why I'm not a monk nor have a master). But if their way agrees with your way, I have no comment or criticism. (this is all totally not a joke, just to be clear).

To the main subject matter, pain is subjective; not about being a wimp. I don't know if this is anything, if it's nothing just throw it away, but after what you said about the pain and that it is a distraction, what I would theoretically suggest to someone is to stop being distracted by the pain and make it the focus of meditation (already I think that's going wrong with you since you're supposed to be focusing on your koan). But I would tell a theoretical person to make friends with the pain, concentrate on it, treat it with loving-kindness, get comfortable with it, offer it tea. You're supposed to be focusing on your koan, but you can't because the pain is calling your attention, so say, 'ok, you want my attention, I'm going to give you attention and sit here with you and figure out why you're here when you're not supposed to be'. Get to know it, all the nuances and angles of how the pain feels as a sensation; even displace the pain and imagine what it would feel like in other parts of your body. Important, though, is to not associate it as "bad". Don't attach to it or be averse to it as something bad. Just focus on the pain as a sensation without judgment. All the while consulting the physical therapist and dealing with the source rather than just enduring it.

The temple may say that I'm full of shit. So be it. I am a little constipated.
much love, koji

Haven't heard from her since, and I suppose that's the end of our communications as well, as my last message was not intended to have this much time pass for a response. If she hasn't responded yet, she doesn't intend to respond. And if it was a phone conversation, she hung up on me because she didn't wish to continue the conversation. If she does respond, it better be very well measured.

We're certainly not on the same page anymore. Her last message screamed "cult". One of the most strict for laypeople? Their rules are meant for people to let go of preconceived notions of doing things any other way but their own? Their way allows for not thinking about form when it's pre-determined . . . but replaces it with their own idea of form? She doesn't feel that they are being unreasonable. So not allowing for positions that would make sitting meditation easier and painless is reasonable.

the nature of my closest relations, part 1

My most recent email exchange with my cousin:

Me:
September 16; 11:15 PM (after my uncle called to tell me he's going to visit Audrey and asking whether I want to go. As I mentioned, I hadn't heard from Audrey since July, so I was just putting a feeler out)

Hey Audrey,

I guess you know your dad is going to visit you. I think he's waiting for me to decide whether I'm going with him to buy his ticket. Do you know how long he's planning to be there and if he's returning to Taiwan afterwards?

I told myself if I heard back from her before I turned off my computer, then I'd go. It's my strategy to make decisions based on whatever else happens in the world.

Her:
September 17; 2:18 AM (before I turned off my computer):
hi dear, I told him that he can invite you to join his visit.  He plan to come on Sept 25, and stay until Oct 5th or 6th then flying to NJ to see your parent and our uncle.  Then he will come back to Taiwan around Oct 17th.
Are you interesting in coming?  You can stay as long as you want.  Too bad, you should be here earlier to help settle down the house, moving the furniture for me.  Yesterday, I have to call up a friend for help 7 o’clock at night moving a heaving table to my house..  I feel so bad to bother them.

Audrey

Me:
September 17; 2:32 AM:
Ah OK, your father will probably call me first thing in the morning and I guess I'll tell him I'll go. I won't go to N.J with him, but I'll figure out my travel plans with him when he calls. Sorry I couldn't help you with furniture. Where's Eric (the cheating husband)? Useless, once again! 

Me:
September 17; 12:46 PM (after her father called and I told him I wasn't going):
bah, I couldn't do it. when I woke up I realized I couldn't decide whether to go or not and I was going back and forth all morning. When your dad finally called, though, I realized I wouldn't go. Sorry. I hope to at some point, though.

Me:
September 19; 2:06 AM (after getting no response after telling her I wasn't going):

Hey Audrey,

I hope you're OK that I'm not going to visit. I told myself if you responded to my email before your father called, I'd. go. And you did, so I said I'd go.

But after waking up the next morning, before your father called, I felt strongly undecided, even though every logical reason told me I should go, it'd be great, it'd be better for me. Your father called later than I expected and while I was waiting, I was completely undecided, and even when my phone rang, I didn't know what I'd say. But after I answered and I had to say something, it just came out that I wouldn't go. And I was relieved. 

And surprised. But I won't bore you with the reasons I came up with later why I decided not to go. Just that there's no connection. It was the feeling. It didn't make sense, it's not my reality. There's no solid foundation for going. Looking at the continuity of my reality, it didn't make sense. It would have been pretending my day-to-day reality is something other than what it is. Going would have meant I'm involved in some way. And the reality is that I'm not. 

If you're disappointed, I'm sorry, but I hope you didn't really give a crap whether I went or not and either way is fine.
love

Her:
September 19; 10:14 PM:
My father is going to make the reservation for his travel plan, i asked him to book the ticket with you under the name Koji Li.  Is that correct?  

He is taking Japan airline departing from Kaohsiung, transfer in Tokyo and arrive in LA.  Then take the connecting flight to Phenix.  He plans to leave on Sept 25th. I let him book your return flight  on Oct 25th.  But you can always change the time for going back to Taiwan.  

Please call my dad.

Me:
September 20; 12:34 AM:
Did you get my last email? Did you even read it? The irony is so thick!

Her:
September 20; 1:09 AM:
yes, i did get the your mail.  But it seems like you haven’t spoke to him yet.  he doesn’t seem know any of your plan

Audrey

At this point, I restrained myself from acknowledging her getting my email, but then telling her to go read it! and waited for her to figure it out. Didn't have to wait long, she's in no way stupid. 

Her:
September 20; 1:12 AM:
hi, sorry.  i re-read all the email that you send and I finally find one that I miss.  So you do decide that you will not come.  I will call my dad and tell him about it.

  Sorry for the mis communication.

Audrey

Good decision not to go. It's none of my business. All family dynamics are none of my business. As far as I'm concerned, all is cut with Audrey. Even when she says she re-read all my emails, I don't know if she was responding to the initial, brief email saying I wasn't going, or the follow-up that was worried that she wasn't cool with it. I don't know, and it's none of my business.

As for my uncle, I've long held the tenet never to travel with him. Too often I haven't followed that. But this is a perfect example for the tenet. I told him I wasn't going, yet Audrey later reports he doesn't know what my plan is. That's the way he rolls. That's why never travel with him. He's a great guy, but lives in an alternate reality.

I haven't been able to get on my bike, despite several rather nice, sunny days. I haven't been able to get myself to the gym, despite nothing stopping me. And today I turned down an opportunity to go with my uncle to the U.S. to visit my cousin Audrey.

(I'm asking a lot how did Robin Williams know it was time? And is it time for another attempt for me?)

A trip in which I wouldn't have to put any effort or thought in planning, just go along with my uncle. A trip to the U.S., where I haven't been in over three years. A trip to the U.S. where I didn't have to deal with my parents. A trip to the U.S., whose food I've only been able to dream about for over three years.

I hadn't seen or heard from Audrey since we met up in July during her two-month visit to Taiwan. We only met that one time. We had discussed the possibility of her father visiting her and my tagging along with him.

But it was radio silence until my uncle called yesterday telling me he was going to visit Audrey next week and whether I was going with him. I told him I needed to think about it, but would make a quick decision. I sent an email to Audrey last night to get a feel for things, and I decided if she responded before I shut down my computer, I would definitely go.

She did respond, and I said I'd tell her father I'd go when he called first thing the next morning. But when I woke up, I was totally conflicted about it. I kept going back and forth and the case for both were solid. He didn't call first thing, but several hours after I was up. I didn't know what I was going to say when I picked up the phone, but after I answered, it eventually came out of my mouth that I wasn't going. Depression wins?

I don't know if depression is at work here. I don't feel it, but the evidence is plain to see. If Audrey doesn't accept my not going and tells me to go, I'll call my uncle and see if a seat can still be booked for me.

EunB had expressed her dream for Ladies' Code to have a number one song. After she died, fans went on a campaign to buy a b-side track from the 'Pretty Pretty' single released last year, entitled "I'm Fine, Thank You" to try to push it to number one. They succeeded, and it hit number one on a number of South Korean charts.

In response, the group's agency compiled footage of the group, focusing on EunB and RiSe, and released a video for the song:

Another morning of back-end insomnia. I set the timer on my electric fan to turn off after three hours. When I awoke, the fan was still on and I wondered why, and then it dawned on me that three hours hadn't passed. I looked at the clock and estimated that it was just about to shut off and it did within five minutes.

I hardly even tried to get back to sleep. I listened to one of my mix CDs then got to sitting.

I've begun a recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, focusing on RiSe and EunB.

I used to, as part of practice, loop read the Tibetan Book of the Dead cycle. I don't know how many times I've read the thing trying to make sense of it in light of my scientific faith, which allows for quasi-logical spirituality (or quasi-spiritual logic) that hard science can't touch.

The last time I tried to do a recitation with a specific focus was in April after the Sewol ferry disaster in South Korea. It was less than a week through when I got a very bad feeling about it, purely intuitive. I felt that what I was doing could spiritually be doing more harm than good and I stopped. Maybe it was that I had no idea about the energies I was dealing with on such a massive scale.

On the first day for RiSe and EunB, just as I started there was a roar of thunder and rain started pouring down at a time of day that was totally unusual for recent weather patterns. I took that as a good sign.

I don't think I'm seriously reciting the book for them, I remind myself the recitation is for myself. If there is any efficacy in helping them, it's beyond my knowledge, figuring or belief. It is solely within my hope.

It's been a long time since I've written anything about the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and anything I've written before may be outdated by my constantly evolving thoughts on it. Or it may remain valid if it was at all valid in the first place, who knows?

The basic framework of the book, specifically the Natural Liberation Through Hearing chapter, is that after death, the mind separates from the body. The body is dead, and what is released is the unenlightened karmic energy "habits" of the deceased. The habits are primarily the ego, the sense of "I" and identity of who we were in the form of a naturally existing cosmic energy, something that pervades the universe.

This basic energy is what carries a being to their next re-birth as a cycle of nature. More specific in the energy is imprinted the strongest psychological baggage from previous lives. My favorite example to explain it is fear of spiders.

My theory being that my fear of spiders is from past lives of being bugs getting caught in spiders' webs and being eaten. Imagine yourself as a bug and getting caught in a web, and then imagine a spider relative to your size (the thing can be eight feet in size) coming at you to wrap you up in its web and sucking the life out of you

Bugs don't have the emotions that humans do, they don't have the analytical capability that we do. But when they're flailing in the web with that huge spider coming at them, there is something in their reaction. It's still energy, and that energy is karma that carries over. It's what we call terrifying and is strongly imprinted.

Lifetime after lifetime of evolution until reaching the level of acquiring a human body, that imprint is still there for the experiencing and analyzing. My brother hates cockroaches; so maybe he was a cockroach in previous lives and the imprint was something unpleasant. I think cockroaches are disgusting, but I don't react to them as viscerally as he does. On the other hand, I have an affection for cats, possibly indicating lifetimes as cats that were pleasant.

Getting back on track to what I was talking about, the physical body dies and the mind-energy is separated and released from it and enters a state of being the Tibetan Book of the Dead refers to as the intermediate states, the bardos.

The description of the experience in the bardos is like being in a storm, but without solid reality and an identifiable ego body, it's extremely disorienting and confusing. My recitation is a calling out to the energies of RiSe and EunB, but it's a call into a hurricane an ocean away.

Theoretically, having no exposure to this sort of practice or spirituality and being nominally Christian in this life, there's only a small chance that my call would reach them. Rather they would be buffeted by their previous habitual tendencies, experience and attachments and aversions within the storm of the bardos.

The hope is that my small voice does attract their attention. Tibetans describe the disembodied energy body of those deceased as experiencing a highly clarified reality. If my voice can cut through the storm, with no barriers of form or language, it's possible to hook them and bring them to my recitation. And if they can be just slightly touched by teachings of compassion, it might do worlds of good for them. That's the hope.

It's not an affront to whatever closely-held Christian beliefs they may have had. Personally, I think the Tibetan version as metaphorical, describing archetypes. There is the Buddhistic language and imagery, but they are just archetypes.

My metaphor is of a multicultural, multilingual nation living in a land bordered by a mountain range. No one thinks of crossing the range to see what's on the other side. But then one person decides to try and accomplishes it and sends back directions on how to cross the mountain range. But only people who understand that language can follow the directions. Anyone who speaks another language can't.

So it may have been that the "psychonauts" (a Robert Thurman term) of Tibetan spirituality investigated the death process and through reincarnations subsequently described the process. But the process is in Tibetan Buddhistic terms. It doesn't mean the experience is just for Tibetan Buddhists. It's just described in subjective terms. It's unclear what Padmasambhava, credited for authoring the Tibetan Book of the Dead, knew about other spiritual paradigms.

So so far I'm comfortable doing this recitation for RiSe and EunB. Through my days I try to remain positive and in times that I think of their deaths and that they're gone and start to feel sad, I try to transform the feeling into joy. Just something positive for them, that their memory doesn't lead to sadness but to joy. Joy that they existed and chased their dream and brought joy and entertainment to their fans and their industry.