Nothing about Korea resonated until I came to Taiwan in 2006 and met classmate Hyun Ae who introduced me to K-pop after I asked her to make me a mix CD of music she liked. I'd been swapping mix CDs with people for years and gotten into bands and music as a result, but nothing compares to the impact and change K-pop brought. And it wasn't necessarily about that mix CD. Hyun Ae's CD may not have even been the start. I liked songs off that CD and most of it went into my iTunes collection, but it didn't make me a dedicated K-pop fan. It was just good music I was introduced to.

YouTube also started becoming big in 2006 and I credit YouTube for helping launch the second Hallyu wave, which otherwise might have been contained in South Korea without the international exposure YouTube brought. Trying to reconstruct my personal history of K-pop, I recall an early YouTube video of a karaoke competition variety show called Korean Madness catching my attention. Aside from those teenage high school students being hilarious and full of personality (Hyun Ae informed me later that the show was a competition and that those girls ultimately won), I ended up liking the song (the original is played at the end of the clip and, yes, I have it in my collection now) as well as the other songs they sang in the course of the competition. Those girls had good taste.

The next step was the Wonder Girls "Tell Me" dance phenomena. Wonder Girls debuted in 2007 and their dance for "Tell Me" went viral with high school students, flight attendants, military personal, traffic police, etc. etc. uploading themselves doing the Tell Me choreography. I watched a lot of those, starting with one high school student, and got into the song. Isolating the backing track, it's quite groovy and subtle, although I'm sure I didn't notice how cool it was right away.

Hyun Ae and I had fallen out of touch by the time I saw the video for Girls' Generation's (SNSD) Gee (2009) on MTV probably in 2010. That was when it took off. Initially, part of me was practically offended by what was on my TV screen, likening it to awful, superficial, garish, candy J-pop. What the hell is this crap? the snob in me sneered, reaching for the remote to change the channel, and I pointed the remote at the TV and . . . didn't. Not only did I stand there with the remote pointing at the TV for the rest of the song, afterwards I immediately went online to look them up.

So much of that video and song should have had me cringing. Even now I don't know what attracted me more to the video against what should have repulsed me. I should've considered it god awful and I wouldn't blame anyone clicking that link thinking it is god awful. But it's going to be a classic K-pop song if it isn't already and I agree with that. It wasn't pivotal only to me. SNSD had debuted in 2007 to much acclaim domestically in South Korea, but it was "Gee" that made them famous throughout Asia and led to a string of hits that made them the reigning queens of K-pop all through Asia.

Very soon after that, Invincible Youth started airing in Taiwan with two members of Girls' Generation (Sunny and Yuri) cast and I watched religiously even though it only had Chinese subtitles. The other cast members introduced me to other girl groups leading the second Hallyu wave (T-ara, 4minute, Brown Eyed Girls, Secret and Kara). K-pop became an obsession since 2010. No explanation except that it's a future life resonance. It seems I've determined that my next locale of rebirth will be South Korea and all this is an indication of it.

part deux

I've never read anything about anything like this, but I wonder whether the recent Korea fetish I've developed over the past five years might be something like "future life resonances". Akin to and opposite past life resonances I've written about before, whereby people who believe in it might muse about past lives based on current life patterns, habits and characteristics.

Quirks about me that I can't explain have led me to wonder if I was Japanese in my previous life. My cousin Audrey thinks so. She also has an affinity towards Japan, and she even thinks we were a couple there in a past life. In Kyoto, apparently, although my spidey-sense is not quite that particular (and mind you I find a lot of what my cousin says as suspect). I also think it's possible that in some previous life I was a Native American tracker in the southwestern desert of the U.S.

Those sort of quirks are distinguishable from characteristics that do have an explainable basis in this lifetime, like my love of music or being a musician. It's possible that it's from a previous life, but my affinity towards music could have developed logically and naturally in the course of my experience in this life. I have no particular sense that it came from somewhere else, that it's extraordinary. Unless you count that I come from a decidedly unmusical family. Music wasteland.

This Korean thing came out of nowhere and had a definite start – asking Hyun Ae to make me a mix of Korean music she liked – which snowballed into an unreasonable affinity towards many other aspects of Korean culture, which outlasted and surpasses anything Hyun Ae may have been about.

The strangest and most uncharacteristic thing, of course, is K-pop, which I would have rather choked to death on than listen to when I was younger. It boggles my mind, and no matter what excuses I make or try to make it palatable for other people to give it a listen, it's still pop music. And other people who hate pop music also aren't convinced. I've lost a lot of music cred over K-pop, I shouldn't wonder.

Another thing is I've read that through the death bardos, as described in the Tibetan Book of the Dead and related literature and commentary, that in the early stages of the bardos, we have more association with the body and life that we just left. The habit mind of the existence we just left is still fresh and strong, so whatever disembodied impression or consciousness there is, it's related through that.

But as we progress through the bardos and still don't attain enlightenment or realization or whatever and head towards another round of samsara in a brand-spankin' new life, we have more of an association with our life-to-be, our future life.

So I wonder whether there might be an analogy at the end of the life bardos whereby we start experiencing things that may be resonant of things regarding our future life. As with past life resonances, sensitivity and inquiry is required to spot them. 

Stranger things have happened. Of course, there's this outrageous assumption that I'm at the tail end of my current life. I'm not going to die for the theory, but I'd have to die sooner rather than later for this theory to have even a drop of being in the realm of the credible.

where I am (I: Isolation)

This is where I've landed my life. What I mentioned before as the result of decisions I've made, the experiences I've had and how I've processed them, the attitude with which I've lived my life, blah, blah, blah, naturally landed me where I am now.

I guess the biggest thing is the utter isolation, no friends, no loved ones, no family, no confidants, few acquaintances. I chase people away, I run away and hide myself. There is no one I consider a friend. I'm a notorious "unfriender" on Facebook. It hasn't always been this way.

Madoka's a mystery. Our relationship started losing steam actually quite a long while ago; towards the beginning of this blog it turns out. I always trusted that it was a momentary skid and it would recover to its former intimacy. It hasn't. It fell into years of no contact, then a recent re-kindling of contact, but no connection.

Then in response to her inquiry into what I described as my "next bold move" (cue Ani DiFranco), I told her what was up in as clear a way as possible without using the word "suicide" (I'll go into that soon and let you decide for yourself (whoops, nope, looks like that email got deleted)), and I got no reaction, no request for clarification, ignored.

Then she went silent again for the past several months, and I thought that was the end of that, but then she emailed recently and I just have no motivation to respond. It was a totally superficial email – hi, how are you? this is what I'm doing, this is what the next few weeks look like.

Sadie was my last friend in San Francisco. We fell out of touch for several years for some reason, then found each other again in email and Facebook contact, and then she told me she had Hepatitis C and might need a liver transplant. I responded with as much support and empathy as I could conjure, which apparently didn't impress and I never heard back from her. End.

Those were the last friendships that could be considered to have been anything. The people I know in Taiwan don't mean anything and are nothing. I can count 5 people right off who always say "Let's get together", but when it comes time to get together, nothing happens. All talk.

Edit: To be fair, an old French classmate who has returned to Taiwan is an exception, as is my old Mandarin teacher, with whom I've started to meet again for language exchange.

There's a ring of extended family who are useless to me and nothing. I'm polite to them, I get along with them, I even love my aunt and uncle, but I project nothing about anything underneath the politeness and formality.

The undercurrent in all this is that I have no more need for human relations. There's nothing anyone could do for me and I have nothing to ask of them. They show no interest in me, and I have no motivation to beg interest.

The idea of a romantic relationship is so gone out of my reality that I don't think of the people around me as romantic people, as people desiring and searching for romantic contact. It's simple fact that no one could possibly find anything attractive in me.

The most recent thing was Hyun Ae, and I read back what I wrote about her, and I'm willing to admit that I was in love with her. I did fall in love with her and enjoyed her presence and company like no one since perhaps Amina. But I would never have gotten into a relationship with her even if she reciprocated, and there were signs of possible reciprocation. But part of what I loved about her was her inaccessibility, and if she did become accessible, I would not have pursued that.

And here's the disclosure: I haven't gone out with anyone since Josephine. We broke up in November 1998. 12 years. More than an entire decade of my life. In my entire working history, in my entire band history, in the entire time most people have known me, I couldn't be associated romantically with someone else.

Can you even imagine that? It's not human to not be in a relationship for that length of time. That's not supposed to happen to a reasonably social being, which I was, without any major hangups or defects, which I was. At some point, someone to whom I send out signals should respond positively, or someone will send signals towards me to which I would respond.

This is not a drought. It's not natural and it's a personal fact. And karmically, it's one that I welcome. Romantic relationships are done. I don't even know what they are anymore and I hope that gets carried over karmically into my next life. No interest.

And where I am is no mistake, either. Isolated here in Taipei where no one has access to me. I run through scenarios in my mind of how things might unfold if I happened to disappear, and it could take months before it becomes clear that something's wrong.

My landlord would be the first to notice, and he would send out inquiries to my cousin, and she would ask her father, and he would ask my mother, but no one would have access to any information, no one would be able to do anything or get any concrete information and it would just get passed off for more weeks of people wondering, waiting to see if I turn up.

Months. You disappear and it's months before bells are ringing loud enough that anyone really tries to do anything or find out some actual information.

More later on where I am now. And where I've been.

I fell off my bike today. It's like I'm practically not blogging anymore, and that's the topic I choose?! the hell's wrong with me?

I don't know if it was because I was drunk or because I hadn't had coffee for the first time in I don't know when. I don't think I was that drunk, I've been drunker, so I guess it must be the coffee.

It was really dumb, too. As careful as I am riding, drunk or not, this was the stupidity equivalence of falling off a sidewalk curb. I was riding on the pedestrian walkway crossing the Jingmei River, something I've done just about every time I left my apartment riding my bike, and my bar caught the railing and I went over, hitting my head on the railing on the other side.

Huge bruise and slight bleeding, visible due to receding hairline. The irony is that a helmet would have been perfect to protect from this injury. And recently I was even thinking of getting a helmet, finally.

When I was down in Kaohsiung for New Years, my uncle gave me a red envelope. Now, red envelopes are for kids, so it was a little weird, but I'm not married and I don't have a career, so I think I'm still considered a child. Anyway it was the gesture that counted, and I told myself that when I move to Kaohsiung, I'll wear a helmet.

I rode to school and went on with my day, but at the end of the day, my head still hurt and whenever you fall off a bike, your confidence is shaken for at least a short time. And I just had a premonition that I shouldn't ride, so I walked home. The impact was so hard, my top teeth were aching. Oh and I've found falls bring on bouts of melancholy. I should eat a chocolate bar.

And I'm not sure of the significance, but I'm moving next Sunday. I'm moving and I finally have a fall. No significance. This all started two weeks ago, when my cousin Audrey told me her aunt on her mother's side had an apartment available. I'm not exactly sure what's compelling me, since I really like my current apartment, but eventually I took it.

It's back in Taipei, but pretty far from anything I do. I'm currently living in Xindian, just across the river south of Taipei, and the new place is all the way on the east side of the city. I'll still have a river close by with arguably nicer parks and bikeways – the Key Lime River (基隆河).

Riding to school will be much more dangerous, all major streets, and will probably take no less than 30 minutes, more as the Summer comes around, as I'll probably ride slower in the heat. Same thing with rehearsals, all major street riding at night.

I can take the Key Lime River to the Saturday meditation group, and getting to Dazhi, where Hyun Ae lives, will be that much easier, too. She verbalized not minding meeting up more often than we had been this past year, so I think I'll take advantage of that. See if I don't get bored with her first.

Her little sister just arrived from Korea to start language classes for a semester at Taida. That was a surprise she dropped on me last week. I don't want to meet her little sister. When she and I interact, I don't know, I feel pretty close to her. The way we used to interact, of course, was totally inappropriate of someone who has a boyfriend, but she's toned it down since then, but there's still a feeling of closeness inappropriate for little sister to witness. Even if it's just in my mind. Especially if it's just in my mind.

Audrey's aunt and uncle reduced the rent since I'm kinda considered family, even though Audrey's mother, my aunt, died a long time ago. And they're allowing me no lease term, so whenever I want to move to Kaohsiung, I can. But if living there is nice enough, I just might live here longer.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 3:55 p.m. - Where I'm moving.

4:52 p.m. - Taipei Grand Hotel from the Dazhi Bridge over the Keelung River.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 6:12-7:56 p.m. - Pingxi Sky Lantern Festival. I'd ridden to Pingxi before, but getting there for this involved taking the MRT brown line all the way to the terminus at Taipei Zoo Station, then taking a shuttle bus to Pingxi which took close to an hour on the same road I rode to get there. I tried to take quite a lot of pics but most would qualify for being "artsy" and "impressionistic". This was when I decided that as great as the zoom capabilities were on the Ricoh Caplio R4, I'd had enough of the poor low-light performance and needed a new camera.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 9:08 p.m. - Rehearsal room in Ximending.

Pentax ZX-5n, Ilford XP2 Super

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 5:48 p.m. - Celebrating Lunar New Year, the character for "spring (春)"  is often depicted upside-down. We cornily like to say "spring has sprung". In Mandarin they say "spring has arrived (春到了)" but a homonym for "has arrived (到)" is to "turn upside down (倒)", like turning a bottle upside-down to pour a drink. So the character turned upside-down captures the whole idea of "spring has arrived". A clever people them Chinese. Then the Communists took over and began an ongoing campaign to dumb everything down. Canon IXUS 860 IS.

FEBRUARY 25, 11:15 a.m. - My current apartment, which I love but will abandon because of the asshole white guy who moved in next door. Story of my life. It's hard to make out, but the box of my new Canon DIGITAL IXUS 860 IS is on the shelf. Canon IXUS 860 IS.

1:57 p.m. - Jingmei River default shot. Quite possibly right before I went over. IXUS 860.

I met up with Hyun Ae last night for the first time since October. We went to see the new Wang Kar-Wai film My Blueberry Nights. I wanted to see it because Norah Jones is butter-meltingly gorgeous, and the trailer used Cat Power's The Greatest. I had no idea it was the new Wang Kar-Wai film, and I couldn't even guess when Hyun Ae was telling me what her co-workers were telling her about how the director has a really strange style and was from Hong Kong.

When Wang Kar-Wai's name came up on the screen I almost fell out of my chair and I tried to communicate to Hyun Ae in a fraction of a second, without distracting from the fact that the film was rolling, that Wang Kar-Wai is one of the greatest directors of our time, and when I predicted several years ago that in the future film schools would have entire curriculums on Wang Kar-Wai, was told some already do.

I think I said, "Gaw!", jabbing frantically towards the screen.

Yes, my blueberry nights with Hyun Ae she has no idea about. That I have no idea about. Wang Kar-Wai films are more about impression than narrative, and the song "The Greatest", also more about impression than what Chan Marshall is singing. Chan Marshall is in the film, by the way, and it only hit me when the character says the word "sentiment" that it was Chan Marshall.

And Hyun Ae is only impression to me. She's not about desire, she's not about wanting, not even sentiment. She's just an impression of those things. I neither desire nor want her. I just love blueberry, it's one of my favorite flavors, and was drinking lychee-blueberry juice during the film that Hyun Ae had paid for.

I wanted to tell Hyun Ae, "Once I wanted to be the greatest, no wind or waterfall could stall me. And then came the rush of the flood, the stars at night turned deep to dust, melt me down into big black armor. Leave no trace of grace, just in your honor", and then I would kiss the bits of blueberry pie from her lips as she lay sleeping, exhausted.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1:11 p.m. - Jingmei River default shot.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 5:46 p.m. - Miramar Mall in Dazhi with Hyun Ae.

Unknown, Taipei - Pentax ZX-5n, Ilford XP2 Super.

Swamped in my own negativity, it's easy to get caught up in it. It feels like I blog more about the negativity, and I don't give equal time to the glimmers that poke through it. Bits and pieces of realizations and just the positive aspect.

Suicide notwithstanding, since I don't necessarily consider considerations of suicide negative. I'm resisting the societal norms that negativity is self-defeating and self-pitying. As far as I'm concerned there's more to it. It's not that simple, although sometimes it is.

I'm meeting up with Hyun Ae tomorrow. She's nobody to me. She's not a friend, she's nothing. I've described her as a "Sadie", but Sadie was a friend and the affection I felt towards her was based on something real. We knew something about each other, we were interested and involved in each other's lives.

With Hyun Ae, we go months without a word, we don't know what's going on in our daily lives, our daily concerns, we as people. Suddenly after months of silence we get together. That's not friendship, that's not a relationship, that's minimal acquaintance. That's a previous classmate with whom I get together because we're bored.

But then why do I still brace myself with her? Why do I still tell myself she's nothing, trying downplay something? Why am I going to see a movie with her tomorrow that I've already seen? One with "questionable" content (read: explicit sex).

I asked, "Oh, you haven't seen it yet?", and she didn't pick up on that and say, "oh, you've seen it? Let's see something else." She wants to see this movie with me, and I'm sure she knows about the content as the media insists on focusing on it.

I don't mind seeing it again, as I've already planned to in order to focus on the merits of the film without the sexual content, which I found distracting and wasn't convinced augmented the story. But even before I saw the movie, I didn't think it would be one appropriate to see with her.

Hyun Ae and other things make me realize that I am afraid of falling in love. I tell myself I'm done with it, and I am, but the temptation aspect, I'm not.

It reminds me of the three necessary elements of the hero's journey, and all of our lives as the "hero's journey". First, there's the test, the puzzle that needs to be solved to get past the gatekeeper (intellect). Second, the test of strength, defeating the dragon, vanquishing the foe (physical). Third, the test of resisting temptation (character).

I feel I've done the puzzle before in a past life. It is not a test for me in this life. I'm not saying I'm smart, just that I completed that part of the journey. It's not part of the test anymore. Education was not a challenge for me in this life. I was born to smart parents and education was a given.

After high school, go to college no problem. After college, get into law school, go to law school, graduate from law school. I'm not saying it wasn't a challenge, but as little interest I had in it, it's a small wonder I graduated. Then on top of that I went to get a Masters for good measure.

Puzzles bore me. Nothing bores me more than a brain-teaser. If you have a clever brain-teaser, just give me the solution and I'll figure out what's so clever about it. I don't need to solve it to appreciate how clever it is. This may be an indication that solving such puzzles is old news to me, I don't need to rise to the challenge, I don't need to prove myself.

As for the test of physical strength and endurance, defeating the dragon, I think that's an aspect of my current life. That's what the running and cycling is about, and the dragon isn't on the outside, it's me. Running and cycling is always about challenging myself, bettering myself, improving on my last performance.

And I'm not and never was a great runner or cyclist. That was never the point. The point was always pushing, hurting, and then pushing past that. The thing is that I'm not going to accomplish this aspect of the hero's journey in this lifetime.

In this life, I will never get to the attitude about running or cycling that I have about solving puzzles. Every run or ride is pushing, and there never will be a point where I will say, "oh, I've slain the dragon" and rest on my laurels. That's for a future lifetime.

As for the test of temptation, no where near, not a chance. If I'm tempted, I will fail. I don't have that strength of character yet. I should despise Hyun Ae, yet I'm her willing slave. In my class, I sit next to a woman, and sometimes I can smell her, or parts of her, and I know I'm lost in that respect.

I still have this idea or ideal of a love of my life that goes by the name of Amina, and she's not even real anymore, I was ultimately dirt to her. I chose my current cell phone number because it had the numbers "417", Amina relevant, which if not pathetic, is plain silly, but I insist on standing by it.

So there goes any idea I might have about advancement on the path. I'm still mired in the mud. Advancement on the path only occurs after the completion of the hero's journey. The hero's journey is not the path, it's a prerequisite for the path. The negativity has to be overcome, glimmers poking through it notwithstanding.

2:19 p.m. - Jingmei River, back to normal, from Roosevelt Rd.

Right on cue after my last post, right after my last class yesterday before leaving for the U.S. today, one of the bald spots on my beater commuter bike blistered, sprung a leak, and left me flat on the Taida campus.

Of the laundry list of things that I thought could fail, that was probably the most likely. Although a crank falling off was a close second. The brakes I could tighten if I wasn't so lazy, and I've never heard of a rear suspension just "falling off", even though that's what it felt it would do.

So I locked the bike on campus and will decide later if it's worth getting a new tire or just abandoning the bike. I'm leaning towards abandoning it, because it is Just Not Worth It. That does mean I would need to find a replacement. I'll try the public transportation thing after I get back, but I doubt I'll last a week.

Heh, so yesterday something came up that had me texting Hyun Ae for the first time in a while. We met up at the beginning of May and the beginning of June, so I thought maybe our relationship could become a once a month thing. But then we both left texts unanswered at the end of June and then radio silence.

I've got a lot to bitch about Hyun Ae. Calling her a good friend would really be stretching it.

But the truth is we met in our first Chinese class in Taiwan, and as everyone else in that class has gone home or away, we've stayed more or less in touch. And more importantly, I don't give a crap that she's in the light of cold, hard facts, a crappy friend.

We connect. I feel we connect, I don't know about her. For our June meeting, I got the itch to text her at the end of May, but then I didn't. I bet myself that she was about to text me, and she did the next day.

And yesterday, after we texted in the afternoon, she told me she'd call in the evening. In the evening I was about to respond to her text, I was holding my phone in my hand, and she called.

Could I love her like Amina? I don't know. I was a different person then, I really can't say. Even if it's irrational, a figment of imagination, Amina is in a league of her own. Which I suppose is what love is. Can I love her like Sadie? Well, since I didn't love Sadie, yes, I can love her like Sadie. Hm. That's it. I do love Hyun Ae. But there's a "fuck that" attached to it.

The point of all this is a feeling that "I can . . . " I don't know what. Love? I wouldn't go that far. Love and the attachment that goes along with it is just not in my reality anymore. But there is something here that is in my reality, i.e., something I can learn something from. Something in this feeling towards Hyun Ae. It's akin to love, but it's not attachment. But isn't that what I learned from Amina? And wasn't it a bitter pill in the end? Won't Hyun Ae be a bitter pill in the end? Wasn't Sadie a bitter pill in the end?

It's time for me to leave for the airport. It's only for a week and a half, but it's still an 18 hour flight. Enough of an ordeal for me to think about "leaving", really leaving. Oh, for once I don't mean suicide. I mean a place. What it means to be in a place and what it means to leave it.

Unless I kill myself here, or near here, I will leave Taipei. That's even more certain than leaving San Francisco. So what should this experience mean to me? This being here? I have my answer, do you have yours?

I'm back in the wrist-slicing drear of Taipei. I decided to leave Kaohsiung early because the family thing peaked in annoyance. I guess it was a rash decision since it was only because of New Years stuff that started getting on my nerves. Family gatherings only emphasize how much I don't belong to any family unit. If I had stuck it out for just a few more days, it probably would've passed. But then there isn't any reason to stay down there for so long anyway. Hyun Ae isn't leaving and there's no need to purge Taipei with an extended leave. All in all, none of it matters. Hyun Ae doesn't matter, family doesn't matter, Kaohsiung doesn't matter, Taipei doesn't matter.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2:25 p.m. - I was at a family gathering that wasn't really my family. It was Audrey's family on her mother's side, and true I was her mother's nephew, but she died in 1993 and I had zero cultivated relationship with her family aside from Audrey, who is my family. I was antsy and awkward being there, not belonging there, couldn't even talk to anyone without more awkwardness, so I basically just left. This was a nice, little canal outside the place. I have no idea where it is. I was much more comfortable with the canal.

3:46 p.m. - Deciding I'd had enough of Kaohsiung and New Years (mostly New Years), I hopped on a bus to Kaohsiung Main Station and caught a train to the High Speed Rail station to get a ticket back to Taipei for the next day. Soon, I shouldn't wonder, long gone will be the days when you can lean out of a moving train like this. 

Crossing the Love River. The walkway from an earlier shot that goes under the TRA tracks was from walking along this left bank.

5:09 p.m. - Shin Zuoying TRA station. HSR ticket bought and heading back to Kaohsiung Main Station.

5:14 p.m. - Shin Zuoying HSR station abutting the TRA station. Huh-huh, huh-huh, I said butt. 

High Speed Rail "bullet" trains on the left, TRA train on the right. Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super.

Wow! Hyun Ae is staying for at least another term! That was a surprise. There were a bunch of reasons why she decided to go back, one of which was her mother's bad health, but in the end, her mother told her to stay here for the same reasons I used to convince her to stay. But all of this is coming from her, so it might not be coincidence. What her mother said and what I said might have combined in her head, so that when she told me what her mother said, it sounded exactly like what I said.

Too bad, since I was getting used to the idea of her leaving and starting over again in Taipei, not knowing anyone here. And after all, has she really been that good of a friend? It's all mucked up.

Human relations are so mucked. I was reminded of this when Sadie got back in touch with me last month. We exchanged a few emails, and I was reminded that even as she was my best friend in San Francisco in the end, and I think of her fondly, there was muck in our human relations.

We met when I auditioned for her band. They rejected me but still wanted to be friends with me. The basis of our friendship was her rejecting me from her band. When our emails started talking about music, I was reminded about that, and it didn't feel good.

Especially when our last phone conversation before we cut off for almost two years was her telling me what a bad friend I was because I wasn't open enough. I don't think that was the substantive issue, though, and I don't hold anything against her from that conversation.

What I do hold against her is the idea that I've always been pretty low priority for her. Her value in my friendship has always been below her boyfriend, understandably, her band, her bandmate, all band related matters and people, and no doubt other things I don't even know about.

I don't feel like our friendship was separate and had its own value, I definitely feel that my value was below all those other things. The reason is because music is central to both of us, was central to our meeting, and was a component even within our friendship.

I should keep in mind that I was referring to Hyun Ae as a "Sadie" here. Both of them I consider in my mind as being really good friends. The reality of both is probably that they're not. Story of my life.

In the words of Nigel Tufnel, "mucky-muck".

I've started moving my stuff to my new apartment. I'm going to make this a long, slow move, taking a few things everyday, aiming to be done maybe next weekend after this semester ends.

After the semester ends there are still some things related to moving that I have to do, mostly address change things, and I also have to extend my visa. After that, depending on when Hyun Ae leaves, I'm considering going to Kaohsiung for my entire break.

I dunno. I'm keeping the whole Hyun Ae thing in perspective, but maybe it's old habit – some feeling about her leaving and me needing to cleanse her being in my life from my Taipei experience. Leaving for an extended period is supposed to accomplish that.

Last night, riding the bus home after bringing over a small load of stuff and doing cursory cleaning of my new apartment, I watched Taipei out the window. The lights, the stores, the people, the traffic. What am I doing moving to Hsindian? Aside from getting away from allergies, I mean.

I suddenly felt really isolated. Like I don't know the city, that I don't belong in the city, that the city doesn't want me. I have no "memory" of this city, and without a memory, it can't be real.

I've been having trouble sleeping. Actually, no, I get to sleep fine, but I wake up early and then can't fall back to sleep to get the amount of sleep I need. The strange thing is also that I haven't been crashing midday and requiring a nap. I get to the end of my usual days just fine.

It caught up last night, and I got a little more sleep than I have been. I almost got to when my alarm clock was to go off. I had such a vivid dream, and it was all about isolation, cutting off from people completely, ignoring them, rejecting them.

I woke up and I wondered what I was doing moving. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to mock the little stability I've carved out for myself. But I have to move, my stupid unconscious is forcing me to.

But morning is the worst time for me, the time when I feel things that I don't normally feel. Like in San Francisco when I would wake up and get desperate feeling I didn't want to die. The feeling would be gone by the time I was taking a shower. The feeling washed away this time, too.

The isolation, however, is real. It's becoming the theme.

Hyun Ae is going back to Korea. The anti-climactic end of a non-saga. I've been trying to convince her to stay for the past few days to make sure she's making the right decision, but it's pretty much definite now, now that her family has gotten directly involved. I ate two dinners tonight just to hang out with her, but she need not be mentioned anymore.

I get my keys to my new apartment tomorrow. I'll start living there right away because of the allergies, but I'll move my stuff over there in a piecemeal fashion. I can take my time moving in because I'll have my current apartment for half of February, unless the landlady finds someone else interested in the apartment.

My teacher has gotten better and classes have been pleasant. My classmate goes back to Japan after this semester. We haven't gotten particularly close, but in a class of two students, you still form a bit of a bond, especially since her English is fluent.

Depending on when Hyun Ae's family arrives, I might go to Kaohsiung for the full two weeks of break between semesters. That means something, yo.

I met up with Hyun Ae today for the first time since November.

I was afraid of the pull, of falling for her. And I did. I fell in love with her all over again, over and over again, drawn into her face, drawn into her eyes, drawn into the corners of her mouth. As she talked, I would put my cheek against hers, feel the warmth, slide my lips towards hers. Kisses are superficial *munch, munch*, that's all. Kisses aren't love. Then I'd realize she was talking and I ought to be listening to her.

I'm not sure what the difference was today, but today I was not being stupid. There is nothing wrong with loving Hyun Ae, there is nothing wrong with being in love with Hyun Ae. The only thing that would be wrong would be to think that loving Hyun Ae had anything to do with Hyun Ae.

In the end, I just walked away. See you, bye. I don't need her to love her. I don't need her to love her? What does that mean? She's just an idea. I might leave next month and what real impact would she have had on my life? Her impact on my life has nothing to do with her. She is irrelevant to my life. That she had an impact on my life has all to do with me, and that's what I would carry back with me. First to New Jersey, and then to Tucson.

My first real social interaction at Taida. So different from Shida. I feel like how I approached my social situation at Shida was all a mistake and I don't want to replicate those mistakes, but that was just 9 months ago. I'm not that different now as I was then. At my age, the learning curve is slight.

But meeting up with my classmate Etsuko and a friend she made where she lives, Sachiko, was so completely different from Shida. I think at Shida, too much effort went into forming an inclusive social clique. We went so far as to include our teacher. That kind of chaotic social interaction with so many personalities and backgrounds couldn't possibly come out with anything solid or meaningful.

With Etsuko and Sachiko, it was just us getting to know one another directly. But something else is different, too. Maybe not. What if just Hyun Ae, Pierre and I started hanging out with one another? It may have been similar. Hyun Ae still would have her personality...quirks, but at this point I don't know what "quirks" Etsuko and Sachiko are neurotic about.

Hyun Ae and I should have kept our distance. Her behavior while having a boyfriend was really inappropriate. With Etsuko and Sachiko, I'm not making any effort to "get closer", to find some connection, I'm keeping a distance, maybe as a result of Hyun Ae; lesson learned. That's good.

My whole feeling at Taida is different. Probably because it's on a real college campus. I go to school and I'm on this beautiful campus, and I feel relaxed. At Shida, once you're out of the building and go out the gates, you're on city streets.

My mother called. They just got back from a trip to Africa. I notice that she keeps saying at the end of the calls, "As long as you're happy, you can do whatever you want". I notice that she never asks whether I'm happy or not.

This is just an observation. I wouldn't want her to ask, and I doubt I would respond honestly even if she did.

After I went for a ride yesterday morning and ended up riding in a drizzle and on slick roads out in NanGang (eastern Taipei), mind you I hate riding in the rain, I cursed my poor decision making even more. I can't even make a proper decision about weather when it's right in front of me.

This morning, I vowed if I couldn't see sunlight, I wouldn't go for a ride. It was overcast, no sunlight, pretty much what it looked like yesterday. I didn't ride. It didn't rain. Fuck me, Taipei. Fuck me harder than San Francisco ever fucked me, and San Francisco fucked me pretty hard.

I did go see a Chinese movie called Battle of Wits. It was a period piece from China's warring states period (Before Common Era). It was a little better than "The Knot" that I saw on Friday, but it also had major flaws. I'm not going to be too critical, though. Just movies, just entertainment.

Hyun Ae text messaged me on Friday, asking me how I was doing. Her follow up message suggested we get together sometime. I replied I'd be happy to get together with her. I'm not sure how truthful that is, but I don't know how I feel about her now. I wonder if I ended up falling in love with her. I think maybe I did, but I really don't know.

Lordy do I hope I'm done with the Mandarin Training Center at Shida University.

I handed in my application for the language program at Taida University on November 1st, and by November 7th I had a very official looking letter in my mailbox telling me I was accepted and what I needed to do.

November 1, 2:17-2:19 p.m. - Taida campus.

I remind myself of the experience I had applying to Shida in February, and I just laugh now. It so fits my entire experience at Shida, the sheer ludicrosity of the school administration and incompetence of the teaching staff I was exposed to. Mind you, there are good teachers there, but it's a total crap shoot getting one, with apparent high probability of getting a crap one.

It would be funny if it wasn't so funny. When I applied to Shida, their application deadline was smack during Chinese New Year celebrations, when everything closes, including DHL, so my application didn't even get there until several days later, and the registration office, so I didn't hear about any action on my application until a few days before I would have had to leave to get there in time!

Taida is a real college campus. It makes Shida look like a community college. I can't wait. The big thing I'm afraid of is if the students are really diligent, serious, and smart, because I'm not. Maybe my so far perceived inability to learn this language will subject me to daily humiliation.

Speaking of humiliation, I finally cut things off with Hyun Ae. In the end, not a good friend. She has "friendship ADD". "Friendship ADD" = not a good friend. I thought we were better friends than casual acquaintances, but she's best friends with whoever is right in front of her, even people she doesn't like.

The last time we went out for lunch, I don't anticipate either of us making an effort to meet up after I switch schools, we were walking along and someone we don't like was coming the other way. She got hooked into talking to her, and I just walked on. She didn't even notice. If she had noticed, she could have used my walking away as an excuse to pull away from that person. If I hadn't gotten stopped by someone else a bit further on, that would have been the last of it, I wouldn't have waited for her. She probably thought I was waiting for her.

It's been a week since I've been back, and I've been switching my sleeping hours to be up all night.

I'm tired of hanging out with Hyun Ae and will aim to put an end to it. It's not just that she's inaccessible, but it's what she represents. I'm not sure what she represents. Most of what she represents is about me, what she represents about me to myself. What I don't want. What I don't want out of life. What I don't want out of relationships. A little of what she represents is about her and has to do with my relationship to the outside world – no real connection, no loyalty, can't trust her.

I don't know how it got so ugly. The mix of desire and reality. Not desire for her, but desire for finding what I really want. Which is unrealistic at best. I really want connection. It's not in my karma – I just feel it. And if I can't get it, I don't want to desire it. God, what does that mean anyway? I desire I lot of things I can't get. Desiiiro un burriiito.

This thing with Hyun Ae is basically shutting down something that shouldn't need to be shut down. It should never have been "turned on" in the first place. And that something got turned on annoys me to no end. Even if she's just a friend, she needs to prove that she's a friend, and she hasn't proven she's any friend aside from what I've conjured in my own mind.

Just shut it down. Stop being stupid.

Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super, all CD-R:

Motor scooter culture.

Chinese style stone bridge at Bihu Lake (or Bi Lake), Neihu District.

Coming back to Taipei, I felt a driving need to shake things up. I need to get angry again, I need to rage. Razor out.

I have my limits, true, so it isn't pure anger, but it doesn't have to be "pure". The limits are that it doesn't get expressed directly towards other people. I don't directly hurt anyone by exercising and working through my karmic rage.

I need to get angry at myself, I need to self-destruct, razor's out, running shoes, drumsticks. I need to get wild in the head, I have to get crazy. I have to detach, I have to stop being so fucking nice, because I'm not so fucking nice.

I need to throw away my sleeping schedule. The strict-ish sleeping schedule I started when I became a working schlep and then continued afterwards out of habit is a bore; is making me boring to myself. I'm a language student in Taiwan. The only time I have to be awake is between 10 and noon.

I'm so sick of habit. I'm sick of the habits I develop and adhere to wherever I go, just because I'm old.

I'm sick of the idea of what I'm supposed to be doing as a language student. I don't give a fuck about learning this language, I don't feel I will ever master this language. Even though when I came back, I felt I wanted to be more diligent and study as hard as I can.

I want to study diligently and as hard as I can, but with no expectation that I will ever be able to actually communicate in this language, and without any conception of what I think I should be doing or being as a language student.

No habit with Hyun Ae is sacred, she's nothing. Say it again, nothing. Detach. I will drink before class, I will go running at three in the morning. I'll shower when I feel gross, I'll crash when I've exhausted myself. Fuckin' A.

Putting my own "code" to my own scrutiny, I couldn't commit suicide now because there are people who are simply too close to me, and by my own estimation, they don't understand these aspects of me well enough for me to be able to do it in good conscience.

These people are too ordinary, their reactions would be of ordinary people. This is in contrast to family, who under few circumstances should prevent me from committing suicide. If anything, they're a reason I should.

This is in contrast to exceptional friends like Sadie, who knew these things about me, who wouldn't be too surprised (disappointed maybe, upset maybe, not surprised), who poked around enough that they lost their "immunity".

Mind you, these people I'm talking about, or rather this person, I am holding far away enough from me that my self-restraint has its bounds. And it's not a consideration that she hasn't been the best of friends; that sometimes she was a downright sucky friend with no loyalty to me.

It's just that she is close right now, and whatever ultimately weak relationship we have, it's just something I couldn't do. There will be a time soon when she will no longer be a part of my life, and then she will not be a reason to not do it.

Mind you, this is all theoretical. Nothing about this suggests I'm going to commit suicide. Not even try. Just try to keep pushing myself towards it.

3:36-4:27 p.m. - Riding on the Danshui riverside bikeway. Yangmingshan range in the distance.

Gongguan or Guting riverside park under construction (or contemplating construction).

Gongguan riverside access point.

You see, the thing is, that distraction of Hyun Ae didn't end when I said it did. It did, but it didn't. We've continued to hang out – a lot, since I'm the only classmate left to hang out with, or else things would be different I shouldn't wonder – but she's not a distraction anymore. The pulls I felt before are still pulls, but they aren't pulling me anymore.

I really feel like I'm growing to love her, but I'm not at all interested in "love"; I'm not at all attracted to "being with" her. I don't "want" her, I don't desire her. I do, but I don't.

The realities are all there, but the realities aren't reality. Kinda Diamond Sutra-esque (The realities aren't realities, which is why they can be called realities). That's what those meditations have been helping with. Keeping things in perspective.

The joy generation meditation is important because when I was pulled by her pulls, I suffered because I thought I was happy. Then I was unhappy when I realized her pulls are for anyone, not just me. I wasn't special, and I was unhappy when the pulls weren't there; weren't for me.

The joy generation meditation reminds me that my happiness isn't a function of someone else pulling me or giving me attention, or making me feel like I'm wanted. She can pull now, and I'm happy. Then when she stops pulling, I can still be happy.

The pristine cognition meditation acts as a complement, as it helps me recognize her as a manifestation of pristine cognition, of myself. She is a form arising, and when she walks away, she's a form fading. Her form arises from the ground of enlightenment, she is pristine cognition, and the pristine cognition is no different from me. When I'm with her, she is no different from me, and when she leaves, she doesn't leave.

The four noble truths meditation helps remind me of the path I'm on, and that I'm at a completely different stage of life as her. Ironic because the four noble truths are often the starting point for these teachings, and they were for me, too, so long ago. And here they still are, as if I'm still at the starting point.

Otherwise, it's here's my path, where does she fit into it? I try to practice mindful speech with her; I try to practice mindful action with her; I try to practice mindful thought with her; I try to practice mindful service to her; I try to make mindful effort with her; I try to practice mindful wisdom with her; I try to practice mindful meditation with her; I try to express mindful compassion to and with her.

12:37 p.m. - Da'an Park footbridge, my constant default subject, in the constant rain.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Sexy Sadie (The Beatles)
2. Incommunicado (Marillion)
3. Hole In My Life (The Police)
4. I Don't Care Much ("Cabaret")
5. Missile (Blonde Redhead)
6. Biko (live) (Peter Gabriel)
7. Impengu Dek Bengi Kai (Street Musicians of Java)
8. Rousseau (Pinback)
9. Weather Forecast (Dreams Come True)
10. The Silent Sun (Genesis)

OK, it's official, I hate Taipei.

Weather was perfectly fine all morning, and has been for the past few days. Today I planned to get on the 235 bus, ride about an hour out to XinZhuang, and explore out there on foot and do some shooting.

XinZhuang is where I bought my latest bicycle. I didn't realize how far away it was, or I probably wouldn't have bothered, but I'm glad I did because the bike is really good, and it was really cheap. That time I took the 299 bus. It's two or three towns west of Taipei, across the Danshuei River, and I've been wanting to get around beyond the Taipei borders, even though it all looks the same, really.

After that excursion, I started noticing the 235 bus which goes down my street and has XinZhuang as its destination, so I've been wanting to hop on it and see where it goes in XinZhuang. I have a really good sense of direction, and I wanted to test it out, see how much I remember.

Also, for some reason, the 235 comes really often. It's been intriguing. What's so important about this line that there are so many buses running it?

Anyway, so I rode out an hour to Xinzhuang, taking the 235 all the way to the end. With a good idea where I was and which direction to go to be able to get back on the 235 home, I stopped into a 7-11 because I hadn't eaten anything. While I'm in there, it's starts raining. Then it starts pouring.

I decided that killed my shooting day, put away my camera, pulled out my umbrella (always carry an umbrella in Taipei), and trudged my way in the rain to find the 235 line again. Before the bus is even out of XinZhuang, the rain stops. Momentum gone, I was already on the bus, I just wasted my afternoon because of Taipei's stupid weather.

So that's the last straw, Taipei is not my city, I will not stay here. I might leave after this term to transfer to Kaohsiung, or if it looks like Hyun Ae will only stay in Taipei until next February, I'll stick it out until then so we can leave Taipei at the same time. After all, she said she doesn't want me to transfer to Kaohsiung, and I know if she left, I would be sad, so why not we plan on leaving at the same time.

Oh, in Kaohsiung she dropped the bombshell that she wanted to break up with her boyfriend. Doesn't mean anything. It was just a fact that garnered support.

12:32 p.m. - City landscapers at work in Da'an Park.

Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN. The only worthy shots I got off before abandoning the day:

Xinzhuang

iTunes soundtrack:
1. All My Love (Led Zeppelin)
2. Sorry I Am (live) (Ani DiFranco)
3. Pharoah Story ("Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat")
4. Back On Me (Urge Overkill)
5. Dose of Thunder (The Replacements)
6. Sunny Side to Every Situation ("42nd Street")
7. I'm Not Down (The Clash)
8. Sorry-Grateful ("Company" - Sondheim)
9. Battered Old Bird (Elvis Costello & the Attractions)
10. City of Dreams (Talking Heads)