I've been wanting to get less distracted by mundane things, but I have to admit that, although I do consider life a spectator sport, I do enjoy watching actual spectator sports, too. So it wasn't the greatest timing when the Vuelta a Espana and the 2017 Taipei Universiade both began on August 20.
The Vuelta is the third of three, three-week grand tours of cycling held annually, and I told myself I wouldn't follow it because I already watched this year's Giro d'Italia in the spring, and the Tour de France in July. They were grand distractions.
And I'm not following the Vuelta, per se, but I keep having it on in the background. Even though I'm not really paying attention to it, it's still just as much a distraction. I don't know why I don't just turn it off. I feel like I might miss something? Like I'm not already missing my life as it sieves through my fingers?
It's not like cycling is very exciting to watch. It's probably among the most boring sports to watch unless you're a hardcore fan and know the teams and the riders, along with their pets and hobbies. I know just enough to have it on in the background and be interested in the rare dramatic moment or development.
I'm so easily distracted, I'll likely continue having it on in the background for the remaining week and a half of the race. And when it's over, it will be a great relief to have my nights freed up, even though I was the one tying them up in the first place.
The Universiade just ended on the 30th. It was a major sporting event, the equivalent of the Olympics at the university level and is the second largest multi-discipline sporting event in the world after the Olympics.
Since it was held locally, it was a big deal and several local channels carried a multitude of events throughout the days. Even Eurosport, the channel which carries the Vuelta, aired a bunch of Universiade events live and in replay with English commentary.
Being distracted by the Universiade was more justified since it was local and it was exciting to watch. I did have trouble with my allegiances, though. Taiwan, U.S., South Korea, Japan? I'd have to tell myself that I couldn't, for example, root for South Korea or Japan over Taiwan or the U.S., but then didn't mind if the result was counter.
I think Taiwan did itself proud hosting the Universiade, with the notable exception of the opening ceremony face-palm when political protesters regarding a relatively petty local issue were able to disrupt the athletes' entry into the municipal stadium.
Fortunately that occurred so early that Taipei was able to redeem itself with smooth-running competitions for the rest of the games. There have been criticisms that come with any large sporting event, but all-in-all I get the impression that the athletes were satisfied, and when not focused on competition had a good experience here.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
Things are going well after over a week of severely cutting back on drinking. It still stands, though, that anything I say about drinking should be taken with a grain of salt. I don't know how things will be a week from now or a month or six from now.
That's the insidious part of alcoholism, I suppose. I can't discount the possibility, I can't even eliminate from imagination that at some point I'll be back to drinking near a bottle a day.
So instead of drinking shot by shot through a bottle over the course of a day, now I sip through a single shot (4 sips per shot) right before doing something that forces me to stop, either going to sleep or going out. I drink the single shots telling myself I'm gradually decreasing intake, rather than going cold turkey which might create more tension over time.
I find that upon committing to cutting back, I mostly don't even want to drink. Without that commitment, it's the opposite; the simplest suggestion or thought has me reaching for a drink. Someone drinking on TV is an invitation to join in.
Really I don't like the way it makes me feel. That first sip, even a tiny one, is harsh to the system and raises my body temperature uncomfortably. It makes me wonder why I'm doing this. I liked the way I felt before I took the sip better.
However, one alcoholic trait that remains strong is that once I start, it's a slippery slope. That's why I try to only pour a shot right before I plan to do something that precludes further drinking.
If I start and stay home, I will have sipped through 3 or 4 shots without much thought. That's still less than I was drinking before, but by that time the amount is immaterial. I'm in the grip of habit.
That's the insidious part of alcoholism, I suppose. I can't discount the possibility, I can't even eliminate from imagination that at some point I'll be back to drinking near a bottle a day.
So instead of drinking shot by shot through a bottle over the course of a day, now I sip through a single shot (4 sips per shot) right before doing something that forces me to stop, either going to sleep or going out. I drink the single shots telling myself I'm gradually decreasing intake, rather than going cold turkey which might create more tension over time.
I find that upon committing to cutting back, I mostly don't even want to drink. Without that commitment, it's the opposite; the simplest suggestion or thought has me reaching for a drink. Someone drinking on TV is an invitation to join in.
Really I don't like the way it makes me feel. That first sip, even a tiny one, is harsh to the system and raises my body temperature uncomfortably. It makes me wonder why I'm doing this. I liked the way I felt before I took the sip better.
However, one alcoholic trait that remains strong is that once I start, it's a slippery slope. That's why I try to only pour a shot right before I plan to do something that precludes further drinking.
If I start and stay home, I will have sipped through 3 or 4 shots without much thought. That's still less than I was drinking before, but by that time the amount is immaterial. I'm in the grip of habit.
Physically I started feeling better almost immediately. The stomach and intestinal issues disappeared within days and appetite has more or less returned. Is such a quick recovery suspicious? Maybe. Also maybe alcohol creates such stress on the gut that when it stops, the end of the distress comes quickly. How would I know? I ain't no doc.
Sleep has been alright, but not perfect. Perfect sleep? What the hell is that anyway? Certainly the decrease in alcohol must have some immediate effect on my sleeping patterns. Maybe 'alright' sleep is it.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Where I am in life is the direct result of how I've lived my life with an affirmative aspiration or goal to commit suicide. Most everyone has an aspiration towards what they want to be. Most are socially acceptable. Mine is one that is not.
I don't know if I'm going to reach my goal. Many people don't reach theirs. But not reaching mine has consequences. People who don't have a specific aspiration still are or can be content, to varying extents, to float along.
The way I've lived my life precludes floating along indefinitely. If I don't commit suicide by choice, then I'll eventually reach circumstances where I'll feel it's the only option. That was the design. That was all the sabotaging I've done all through my life.
When it hit me that alcohol wasn't going to kill me and I'd have to do it, I balked. Isn't there any other way? It took a sleepless night of calm reflection to realize I didn't even want "any other way". That's part of the design, too. Run through the scenarios of re-entering living life, and nothing appeals. I don't even want to.
I can't suddenly decide that I want to live and re-enter living life. The thought only occurred to me because of fear and attachments. It is scary facing the end of one's life. And the attachment is primarily to these senses and this perspective that I call me, not to the stuff of the world. It's all I know and it's all going to disappear, and I'm the one who has to make it happen.
Anyway, I have to work on unraveling the routine of distractions that has come to make up my life. Or is it distractions of routine? Same difference.
Given its druthers, without external obligations or responsibilities, my daily life falls into routine. It creates its own things, a schedule, that it has to do. Much of it trivial and ridiculous, including being ruled by TV. This is a big problem.
The routine gives me something to do, creating a false sense of purpose and a conveyor belt to tomorrow, distracting me from figuring out that suicide is the only next step.
I don't know if I'm going to reach my goal. Many people don't reach theirs. But not reaching mine has consequences. People who don't have a specific aspiration still are or can be content, to varying extents, to float along.
The way I've lived my life precludes floating along indefinitely. If I don't commit suicide by choice, then I'll eventually reach circumstances where I'll feel it's the only option. That was the design. That was all the sabotaging I've done all through my life.
When it hit me that alcohol wasn't going to kill me and I'd have to do it, I balked. Isn't there any other way? It took a sleepless night of calm reflection to realize I didn't even want "any other way". That's part of the design, too. Run through the scenarios of re-entering living life, and nothing appeals. I don't even want to.
I can't suddenly decide that I want to live and re-enter living life. The thought only occurred to me because of fear and attachments. It is scary facing the end of one's life. And the attachment is primarily to these senses and this perspective that I call me, not to the stuff of the world. It's all I know and it's all going to disappear, and I'm the one who has to make it happen.
Anyway, I have to work on unraveling the routine of distractions that has come to make up my life. Or is it distractions of routine? Same difference.
Given its druthers, without external obligations or responsibilities, my daily life falls into routine. It creates its own things, a schedule, that it has to do. Much of it trivial and ridiculous, including being ruled by TV. This is a big problem.
The routine gives me something to do, creating a false sense of purpose and a conveyor belt to tomorrow, distracting me from figuring out that suicide is the only next step.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
The drinking was supposed to be the back-up plan. If I kept not ending my life, then eventually my health would fail from the constant drinking. That was the hare-brained theory.
But that testimony in the previous post makes a lot of sense to me, and it makes sense to 100% accept that I'm not going to die from alcohol-related health complications. The best I could expect from continuing to drink like that might be a long and painful existence that I'm possibly already feeling. Yea, I don't need that.
So the first conclusion is that constant drinking has no purpose, and I should stop. Now I have to face the truth of my alcoholism, which I never felt was a problem nor an addiction. It was a tool, a habit, something I did. I can stop any day. Well, it's any day.
I'm not going to assume it's going to be easy. I'm not going to try to go cold turkey. I think it's something I'll just have to deal with and observe week after week and any assessment, especially feeling good, will have to be taken with a grain of salt.
The second conclusion is that if I'm going to commit suicide, I can't rely on a back-up plan. That's pretty much what I've been doing. I've gone completely slack about having to actually do it. I was just letting the water flow under the bridge because I could let it. And the water's harmless if I'm sitting on the bridge.
For the past however many years I've been distracting myself, listening to music, collecting K-pop, cycling, running, maintaining mindfulness practice, watching sports and reading countless books in libraries, all the while drinking, drinking, drinking, thinking it's gotta kill me hopefully sooner rather than later.
It was laziness. Fading focus. I got sucked into enjoying just being able to live without ambition or wanting anything.
I wasn't having doubts or second thoughts about it. I want to die. This is for what I've been living my life. The exact place where I am in life is the result of having suicide as the affirmative goal. It's what this whole blog is supposed to be about.
So what I mentioned flippantly in the previous post about having to do it myself, was actually a reality-shattering wake-up call, prompting me to stop drinking and realize that I can't just be sitting around on this, distracting myself and filling time.
But that testimony in the previous post makes a lot of sense to me, and it makes sense to 100% accept that I'm not going to die from alcohol-related health complications. The best I could expect from continuing to drink like that might be a long and painful existence that I'm possibly already feeling. Yea, I don't need that.
So the first conclusion is that constant drinking has no purpose, and I should stop. Now I have to face the truth of my alcoholism, which I never felt was a problem nor an addiction. It was a tool, a habit, something I did. I can stop any day. Well, it's any day.
I'm not going to assume it's going to be easy. I'm not going to try to go cold turkey. I think it's something I'll just have to deal with and observe week after week and any assessment, especially feeling good, will have to be taken with a grain of salt.
The second conclusion is that if I'm going to commit suicide, I can't rely on a back-up plan. That's pretty much what I've been doing. I've gone completely slack about having to actually do it. I was just letting the water flow under the bridge because I could let it. And the water's harmless if I'm sitting on the bridge.
For the past however many years I've been distracting myself, listening to music, collecting K-pop, cycling, running, maintaining mindfulness practice, watching sports and reading countless books in libraries, all the while drinking, drinking, drinking, thinking it's gotta kill me hopefully sooner rather than later.
It was laziness. Fading focus. I got sucked into enjoying just being able to live without ambition or wanting anything.
I wasn't having doubts or second thoughts about it. I want to die. This is for what I've been living my life. The exact place where I am in life is the result of having suicide as the affirmative goal. It's what this whole blog is supposed to be about.
So what I mentioned flippantly in the previous post about having to do it myself, was actually a reality-shattering wake-up call, prompting me to stop drinking and realize that I can't just be sitting around on this, distracting myself and filling time.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
I've been feeling like crap starting this past weekend, along with two nights of complete insomnia. Then after a day or two of my anus feeling like it was going to explode, I took some Imodium multi-symptom relief (Diarrhea PLUS *Cramps & Pressure, *Gas, *Bloating) that I brought with me from the U.S.
It's over-the-counter, but I'm suspicious and wary about the U.S. pharmaceutical industry. It's obvious that profit is the most important thing to them, so I'm reluctant to take their products just because I'm feeling a bit off. I have to be pretty desperate and well into suffering to reach for the Imodium.
I write shit like this and then I realize I'm just repeating myself. Just a few posts back and I've already written what I'm experiencing now. It's chronic. The misery, the suffering, the realization that alcohol is probably at the root of it; variations on a theme.
I was desperate enough to take the Imodium and was feeling bad enough to drink as little as possible today. Even that I've done before, I know I've written about it.
I finally found a description on an internet forum of what happens when you drink a bottle of liquor a day for years that matches my experience. The question was about how long people can live (minor spelling and grammar edits):
Good question. Far longer than you might think. Depending on how well they take care of themselves, whether or not they have other diseases and barring drunken accidents they could very easily live for many years that way. People are a lot harder to kill than is generally believed. That being said, under the right conditions and keeping in mind that everyone’s body is different, a person could easily drink themselves to death in a relatively short amount of time. It really just depends.
A person who drinks that much daily will be experiencing daily diarrhea, dehydration, organ swelling, hemorrhoids, vomiting up of blood, vomiting, morning shakes, possibly seizures. They risk cancers, lesions and outright destruction of their entire digestive tract from mouth to anus. They run their liver ragged and inflame their pancreas often developing untreated diabetes. Its a long, painful death for all involved. I know because I drank a 5th of hard liquor every day for many years. I have done every drug and have been addicted to most of them at one time or another and can tell you from personal experience and from watching other alcoholics in rehabs and hospitals that alcohol is by far the most destructive and dangerous drug on a long enough time scale and we haven’t even touched on what it does to relationships and its costs to society.
Aside from alcohol, I don't take drugs. No addictions. No known disease and relatively good health runs through the family. When I drink, I don't engage in dangerous behavior. I don't get drunk per se, and every night I drink until I shut down my computer and wash my shot glass.
Reasonably athletic until recently when I couldn't be anymore. Probably because of the alcohol. My nutrition I'm sure leaves a lot to be desired, and has only gotten worse with the inability to eat. Also probably because of alcohol.
I can relate to the daily diarrhea, organ swelling (I have a perpetual paunch and I hardly eat anything), vomiting. The destruction of digestive tract resonates.
Much of what he writes resonates and suggests that my drinking is probably not going to kill me. It will just continue to bring misery and suffering. If I want to die, I'm going to have to take it into my own hands, so to speak.
And I have been thinking about it a lot recently even though I haven't mentioned anything (I probably actually have). Anything I have to say about suicide I've said before. I've just been giving it a harder look and realizing shit's got to get real.
It's over-the-counter, but I'm suspicious and wary about the U.S. pharmaceutical industry. It's obvious that profit is the most important thing to them, so I'm reluctant to take their products just because I'm feeling a bit off. I have to be pretty desperate and well into suffering to reach for the Imodium.
I write shit like this and then I realize I'm just repeating myself. Just a few posts back and I've already written what I'm experiencing now. It's chronic. The misery, the suffering, the realization that alcohol is probably at the root of it; variations on a theme.
I was desperate enough to take the Imodium and was feeling bad enough to drink as little as possible today. Even that I've done before, I know I've written about it.
I finally found a description on an internet forum of what happens when you drink a bottle of liquor a day for years that matches my experience. The question was about how long people can live (minor spelling and grammar edits):
Good question. Far longer than you might think. Depending on how well they take care of themselves, whether or not they have other diseases and barring drunken accidents they could very easily live for many years that way. People are a lot harder to kill than is generally believed. That being said, under the right conditions and keeping in mind that everyone’s body is different, a person could easily drink themselves to death in a relatively short amount of time. It really just depends.
A person who drinks that much daily will be experiencing daily diarrhea, dehydration, organ swelling, hemorrhoids, vomiting up of blood, vomiting, morning shakes, possibly seizures. They risk cancers, lesions and outright destruction of their entire digestive tract from mouth to anus. They run their liver ragged and inflame their pancreas often developing untreated diabetes. Its a long, painful death for all involved. I know because I drank a 5th of hard liquor every day for many years. I have done every drug and have been addicted to most of them at one time or another and can tell you from personal experience and from watching other alcoholics in rehabs and hospitals that alcohol is by far the most destructive and dangerous drug on a long enough time scale and we haven’t even touched on what it does to relationships and its costs to society.
Aside from alcohol, I don't take drugs. No addictions. No known disease and relatively good health runs through the family. When I drink, I don't engage in dangerous behavior. I don't get drunk per se, and every night I drink until I shut down my computer and wash my shot glass.
Reasonably athletic until recently when I couldn't be anymore. Probably because of the alcohol. My nutrition I'm sure leaves a lot to be desired, and has only gotten worse with the inability to eat. Also probably because of alcohol.
I can relate to the daily diarrhea, organ swelling (I have a perpetual paunch and I hardly eat anything), vomiting. The destruction of digestive tract resonates.
Much of what he writes resonates and suggests that my drinking is probably not going to kill me. It will just continue to bring misery and suffering. If I want to die, I'm going to have to take it into my own hands, so to speak.
And I have been thinking about it a lot recently even though I haven't mentioned anything (I probably actually have). Anything I have to say about suicide I've said before. I've just been giving it a harder look and realizing shit's got to get real.
Wednesday, August 09, 2017
2016 mix CDs
These 2016 CD mixes of my vanity project to make mixes of every year I've been alive took months of "little tweaks" to be satisfied with them. Maybe not "satisfied", but rather that I reached the point where I got tired of making any more changes.
Still all K-pop, although I did manage to fit in a David Bowie track from his last album; that was going to happen no matter what. I was concerned that it would stick out like a sore thumb, but I think I put it in a sequence of songs (the last five actually, with their minor feels) that creates an appropriate atmosphere without getting depressing. That song is probably the most emotional regarding his cancer and facing dying.
If I do this again for 2017, I think I'll make all effort to make it a single disc or not at all. I don't even know if that's even feasible. Looking at the rejected songs for 2016, they could fill a third CD and it still would have been pretty strong by my estimation. That's why it's hard to say I'm fully satisfied with the end result, a lot was left off.
The "unofficial stage mix" videos that are linked are fan made so it is left to be seen whether they get deleted in the long run. Still, they are so brilliantly done by this particular user that I thought they are worth linking at this point.
The transitions are so smooth that it's like watching a magic show. What's astounding is how the editor matched shots from multiple performances from different music programs (different camera crews and directors) and made the transitions look more like morphs.
2016 mix CD, part one (zip download):
1. Russian Roulette (Red Velvet) (full stage camcorder, Seulgi focus fancam, 2x speed version for people short on time)
2. Jealous 질투 (U Sung Eun x Kisum)
3. Sting 찔려 (Stellar) (choreography version)
4. No Oh Oh 아니야 (CLC) (choreography version)
5. Good Luck (AoA) (full stage camcorder)
6. Very Very Very (I.O.I) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
7. Help Me (Brave Girls) (lyric video) (audio only)
8. To the Beautiful You (Wonder Girls)
9. So Good (Hyosung (Secret)) (lyric video) (audio only)
10. The Rain (Ladies' Code) (full stage camcorder)
11. Bambamhae (feat. Mad Clown/prod. by Gil (LeeSsang) (Yuk Ji Dam)
12. Day of Excess (Miryo (Brown Eyed Girls)) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. Free Time (Kisum) (audio only)
14. Are You Hungry? (EXID)
15. Next Page (Twice) (lyric video) (official audio)
16. Lip 2 Lip (Nine Muses A)
17. ViViD (HeeJin (LOOΠΔ))
18. Come In (Two X) (lyric video) (audio only)
19. Secret (Cosmic Girls)
20. Love Like This (Hyolin (Sistar))
21. I Do (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
22. Dollar Days (David Bowie) (official audio)
23. Missing U (Lee Hi) (official audio)
2016 mix CD, part two:
1. Magnet (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
2. Windy Day (Oh My Girl) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
3. You Are the Moon (DIA (BinChaenHyunSeu))
4. High Heels (Brave Girls)
5. I'm Jelly Baby (AoA Cream) (full stage camcorder)
6. Around You (HyunJin (LOOΠΔ))
7. You're the Best (Mamamoo) (adlib compilation, full stage camcorder)
8. Keep On Doin' (Luna (f(x))
9. Shooting Love (Laboum) (unofficial stage mix, full stage camcorder)
10. Hate (Melody Day) (audio only)
11. Why So Lonely? (Wonder Girls)
12. Do As I Say (I.O.I) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. And July (feat. Dean, DJ Friz) (Heize)
14. 13 months, 32 Days (DIA (L.U.B.))
15. Only One (EXID) (lyric video) (Solji x Hani audio only)
16. Let Me In (HaSeul (LOOΠΔ))
17. Hoo Hoo Hoo (NC.A) (lyric video) (official audio)
18. I Like That (Sistar)
19. Ya Heart (Dal Shabet) (audio only)
20. Walkak (Baechigi) (audio only)
21. Smile (Jeon So Yeon)
22. TT (Twice) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
2015 mix CD, part 2
Still all K-pop, although I did manage to fit in a David Bowie track from his last album; that was going to happen no matter what. I was concerned that it would stick out like a sore thumb, but I think I put it in a sequence of songs (the last five actually, with their minor feels) that creates an appropriate atmosphere without getting depressing. That song is probably the most emotional regarding his cancer and facing dying.
If I do this again for 2017, I think I'll make all effort to make it a single disc or not at all. I don't even know if that's even feasible. Looking at the rejected songs for 2016, they could fill a third CD and it still would have been pretty strong by my estimation. That's why it's hard to say I'm fully satisfied with the end result, a lot was left off.
The "unofficial stage mix" videos that are linked are fan made so it is left to be seen whether they get deleted in the long run. Still, they are so brilliantly done by this particular user that I thought they are worth linking at this point.
The transitions are so smooth that it's like watching a magic show. What's astounding is how the editor matched shots from multiple performances from different music programs (different camera crews and directors) and made the transitions look more like morphs.
2016 mix CD, part one (zip download):
1. Russian Roulette (Red Velvet) (full stage camcorder, Seulgi focus fancam, 2x speed version for people short on time)
2. Jealous 질투 (U Sung Eun x Kisum)
3. Sting 찔려 (Stellar) (choreography version)
4. No Oh Oh 아니야 (CLC) (choreography version)
5. Good Luck (AoA) (full stage camcorder)
6. Very Very Very (I.O.I) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
7. Help Me (Brave Girls) (lyric video) (audio only)
8. To the Beautiful You (Wonder Girls)
9. So Good (Hyosung (Secret)) (lyric video) (audio only)
10. The Rain (Ladies' Code) (full stage camcorder)
11. Bambamhae (feat. Mad Clown/prod. by Gil (LeeSsang) (Yuk Ji Dam)
12. Day of Excess (Miryo (Brown Eyed Girls)) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. Free Time (Kisum) (audio only)
14. Are You Hungry? (EXID)
15. Next Page (Twice) (lyric video) (official audio)
16. Lip 2 Lip (Nine Muses A)
17. ViViD (HeeJin (LOOΠΔ))
18. Come In (Two X) (lyric video) (audio only)
19. Secret (Cosmic Girls)
20. Love Like This (Hyolin (Sistar))
21. I Do (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
22. Dollar Days (David Bowie) (official audio)
23. Missing U (Lee Hi) (official audio)
2016 mix CD, part two:
1. Magnet (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
2. Windy Day (Oh My Girl) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
3. You Are the Moon (DIA (BinChaenHyunSeu))
4. High Heels (Brave Girls)
5. I'm Jelly Baby (AoA Cream) (full stage camcorder)
6. Around You (HyunJin (LOOΠΔ))
7. You're the Best (Mamamoo) (adlib compilation, full stage camcorder)
8. Keep On Doin' (Luna (f(x))
9. Shooting Love (Laboum) (unofficial stage mix, full stage camcorder)
10. Hate (Melody Day) (audio only)
11. Why So Lonely? (Wonder Girls)
12. Do As I Say (I.O.I) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. And July (feat. Dean, DJ Friz) (Heize)
14. 13 months, 32 Days (DIA (L.U.B.))
15. Only One (EXID) (lyric video) (Solji x Hani audio only)
16. Let Me In (HaSeul (LOOΠΔ))
17. Hoo Hoo Hoo (NC.A) (lyric video) (official audio)
18. I Like That (Sistar)
19. Ya Heart (Dal Shabet) (audio only)
20. Walkak (Baechigi) (audio only)
21. Smile (Jeon So Yeon)
22. TT (Twice) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
2015 mix CD, part 2
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