Hm. I guess this is a follow-up to my previous post. I responded to my former Mandarin teacher and we met up for an afternoon at a Starbucks. We met wearing masks, but abandoned them once we sat down. Seating is restricted in public places with seats marked off as not to be used to enforce social distancing, but we managed to snag a table just as other people were leaving. We discussed the current CCP virus situation and compared notes and she was impressed by how on top of the information I was, which gave me reassurance that the English-language news I'm getting is accurately mirroring what's in the Taiwanese press. And actually most English-language news is merely translated from local reports; they mostly don't have their own reporters in the field. 

We reflected on how we're in one of the safest places to be in the world, thanks to quick thinking and action by the government and fundamental mistrust of anything the Chinese Communist Party says (assumption that they're lying is just as fundamental as any intelligent American assuming Trump has no idea what he's talking about or doing (ironically, except about China)). One thing Taiwan is missing out on is reports of cleaner air and waterways and nature re-asserting itself once disruptive human activity is curtailed. Our traffic, noise and air pollution is for most part the same as usual.

We agreed that the government hasn't been absolutely 100% PERFECT with two slip-ups that could've gotten out of control and we were just lucky they didn't. In early April, Taiwan has a tomb-sweeping holiday where people are supposed to go to the graves of their ancestors and clean them up and pay respects (remembering both where you came from and where you're going, maybe). Social distancing went out the door and the government wasn't fervent enough about telling people to be vigilant and there was a public worry that asymptomatic cases could have been spread during all that contact.

The second was a navy vessel returning from a mission and it turned out there was an outbreak onboard with sailors allowed into the general population without proper quarantine upon arrival. The government quickly gathered information on all the places every sailor went throughout the country and created a map of hotspots that they released to the public, informing them if they had been at those places at certain times, they needed to monitor their health for any sign of the CCP virus. Every contact that any of the sailors had, numbering in the thousands, were contacted and instructed to self-quarantine. As the military should have heightened responsibility, appropriate reprimands were issued (actually I think the defense minister requested to be reprimanded).

To date, only sailors aboard the ship have been confirmed with the CCP virus, 31 in all bumping the total number of cases in Taiwan to 429. Since no one in the general public appears to have contracted it from them, I consider the navy case a closed system, and the number of cases in Taiwan to reasonably be considered 398, under an artificial benchmark of 400. 

I mentioned I didn't expect to hear from my sister-in-law until next year, but she sent one of her usual emails and it was substantive enough that it will take several months for me to respond, putting our correspondence back on its twice-a-year schedule.

And out of the blue, my second oldest brother, the one who seems to want nothing to do with us, or me at least, but will act appropriately when he has to, sent me a YouTube video that his son made of himself playing a violin trio by/with himself. My brother had mentioned he was learning bassoon, but never mentioned violin. I will respond appropriately with genuine praise and appreciation of the performance, but what may be interesting is this is the first time anyone has shown interest in me showing interest in the kids. Obviously if I show no interest in the kids, I have no right to complain about any of their lack of communication with me. Their kids are their lives, and if I show no interest in the kids, I don't deserve any attention. 

Before this, neither of my brothers or the aforesaid sister-in-law nor my cousin Audrey have tried to interest or prompt me about their children. Quite the opposite, whereas parents would seem to want to brag about their kids and involve relatives in their lives, I've gotten nothing from them about their kids. Audrey is especially egregious since she knows how much I love her children, but they've totally forgotten who I am and the last time I saw them they couldn't even acknowledge having known me. It isn't missed on me that no one has provided updates on the kids for me to respond to. Or it may be me. Similar to how I've given the impression to people I know in Taipei that I don't want to hang out, I may have projected to them that I have no interest in their kids, even though I've always responded to any news they gave about them. Bottom line, I'm not complaining, no fault to them. Things just are as they are, and of course there's my credo not to be something to someone and then disappear, which is my perpetual end-game. 

Finally, what I said about that French guy, I recently discovered a place selling Vietnamese banh mi sandwiches. Vietnam, of course, was once a French colony and banh mi sandwiches famously use French bread and the quality of the sandwich depends on the quality of the bread (i.e., requires a French person's seal of approval). I know my friend appreciates banh mi so I shot him an out-of-the-blue email about the place and he responded that he would be going there the next day with his family, describing his infant daughter as a French bread monster. He suggested meeting up for lunch sometime soon, and per what I said in my last post, I guess I have to accept.

My water went off yesterday afternoon. Annoying and anxiety-inducing; I don't know when it'll come back on. I don't know if the landlord gave warning and I didn't get it because I don't have a phone. The last time it happened about 5 years ago, he knocked on my door and gave me an estimate for the outage so I was able to fill the bathtub beforehand for my water needs. I don't know if he didn't knock on my door this time because my cousin managed at some point to suggest to him that I "didn't want to be bothered", which is totally untrue and would be rude, and I told her to communicate to him that was not the case, but I don't know if she did that. Lots gets lost in translation in this family – and not just in language. 

And somehow, without going into any TMI detail, my gut knew about it and the accompanying inability to flush the toilet more than once, and the chronic issues with my digestive system over the past few years disappeared for the time being. It's a minor miracle maybe. 

So far, it's fair to consider it a minor disturbance and I tried to maintain my evening routine Saturday, but I did opt to not drink until way late. Maybe I didn't want to be distracted from the distraction of not having running water (and perhaps avoiding the need to pee more often). Not washing hands or brushing teeth are something I just had to endure, but not being able to take a shower triggered the neurotic in me. I won't crawl under the covers to sleep if I haven't showered. It's just not comfortable and I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, so I knew I was going to sleep on top of the covers (which is no big deal since that's how I nap) and in that case why bother changing clothes to sleep? No different from crashing at someone's place when I was younger.

I did have trouble sleeping, which I anticipated and didn't set the timer on my CD player, but did slip into sleep at some point and had a pretty disturbing and harrowing dream. I was kidnapped and stabbed twice in the process. This is likely a reflection of my true anxiety about having no water; uncertainty and a hunkering down mentality. The kidnap situation lasted the whole dream through a variety of sundry scenarios including a blood-sport, fight club-ish free-for-all amongst the kidnappees. I mostly laid low and hoped not to be targeted while not expecting to survive. Towards the end of the dream there was rumor that lawyers were being sent for to deal with the situation and I thought, "Lawyers? What good are lawyers? That's even dangerous". At some point I established we were in Thailand as I (irrationally) wondered why kidnappings always happen in Thailand. But the lawyer arrived from England and came up the stairs asking about the "Yank", as in Yankee, as in me, and he took one look at me and continued to ask for the Yank. As he assumed I wasn't the droid American he was looking for, I waited for a few beats to let him hang in ignorance before I voiced up. 

Twenty five years ago that would've been racist. Nowadays it would be called "racist" but would also be stupid to call racist. I'm not gonna get into it, but from what I've witnessed in the progressive political scene from afar, the political left has really dropped the ball and gotten stupid, overreacting to every little thing and just putting people on the defensive instead of trying to educate and promote sensitivity. My dream British lawyer would've been racist before because it was institutionalized with negative assumptions and real effects. Today, the British lawyer should be recognized as having come from a certain background with his own experience that informs his subjective view of the world, and he may make assumptions and even mistakes, such as "American" equals "white" or Asian-looking equals "not American", but that doesn't necessarily make him racist now. Plurality needs to acknowledge that. Constantly putting people on the defensive for infractions they didn't even know of eventually leads to a backlash and them going on the offensive and that's pretty much where we are now; a cycle of brazen stupidity is complete with the true racists coming out the woodwork and proud of it.

And, yes, the lawyer in the dream was white and male. Would anyone imagine otherwise when I said "British lawyer"? Actually my true dream British lawyer would've been South Asian and female, but that's a different kind of dream (mm, that accent). He also had long hair and a ponytail, kinda like that Virgin Branson guy. This is all immaterial, mind you, I didn't need to bring it up but it was in the dream that he assumed I wasn't American and I noticed it. 

What I'm actually seriously curious or concerned about is why mindfulness practice doesn't come up when I'm dreaming? I noticed that afterwards. Is my practice not deep enough to have reached my subconscious? Are my reactions in dreams a more accurate reflection of the success of my practice? I kinda think so, maybe. In a dream, if I'm reacting to the dream situation like it was real, then that may indicate that in physical life I'm reacting to situations too much like they're real. The actual reaction should be appropriate, but in extreme and harrowing situations, I think a conscious acknowledgement of mindfulness practice should be present maybe. 

It's the third day of the Lunar New Year that I've spent in a wonderful solitude. With everyone else living on this floor gone, I've felt a bit more like a hermit. Even though I usually avoid contact with them and have no idea what they even look like, I'm always aware of them when they're around as I can hear their comings and goings. The first three days are the official holiday, and days four to six are when things start getting back to normal. It's possible everyone will remain gone until Wednesday, it's possible they might start floating back tomorrow. I'll know when they return because I will hear them.

My mother was in town last weekend for several days. She had been on a cruise, disembarking in Singapore, and flew to Taipei for a few days before flying back to the U.S. My uncle came up from Kaohsiung to spend time with her. I think his thinking may have been that they're getting old, no one knows when will be the last time they see each other, so take advantage of every opportunity to meet up. Neither of them I figure for being sentimental types, but it's possible. I don't know him that well really. She's definitely not. She said she came to see me, but the truth is we can only stand each other for a few hours at a time so maybe she did ask him to come up. She still thinks I'm working so I always have an excuse to bail, and true to her own work ethic, she would never prioritize herself over someone else's job.

On her last day here (she was flying out in the afternoon), she expected to meet up with me at lunch and initially said that my uncle wouldn't be with us because his son, my cousin Gary, was flying in that morning from mainland China for Lunar New Year and so he would meet up with him and they'd go directly to Kaohsiung by HSR. I had to brace for one more excruciating lunch without his buffer. 

But then prior to that, I realized that didn't make sense. Gary was flying into the airport that my mother was flying out of later that day and they weren't going to meet up? My mother doesn't give a rat's ass – not the sentimental type, I said – but Gary has something like an overblown sense of responsibility and family decorum almost to a fault. In his mind, if there was a chance to meet his aunt (who sat at the table of honor at his wedding), even if only for a few hours, he was going to make it happen. Turns out I was right and when I arrived at the hotel, my uncle was still there and Gary and his 10 year old son were on their way from the airport by MRT to Taipei for us to have lunch before they departed for Kaohsiung, my mother to the airport, and me . . . to "work", of course. I didn't even have time to accompany them to the airport.

There was some discomfort as to why I wasn't going to Kaohsiung for New Years until I came up with the excuse that I had already volunteered to work over the holiday since I was basically a foreigner and the Lunar New Year didn't mean as much to me. I'm a terrible liar, and of course when you start lying you have to back it up, and I hadn't prepped myself for Gary (whose English is decent) to get inquisitive about my job and my having to make things up on the spot, particularly difficult since The China Post went under as a physical paper many years ago (it may still be online, but if it is it's no longer a major news player in Taiwan).  

But there really was no way I would go to Kaohsiung for the holiday. As has happened before, whenever I'm placed in an extended family setting I have to keep my mouth shut. If I selfishly open my mouth to say something, whatever conversation had been going on had to stop and focus on me, the only English-only speaker. I prefer to consider myself persona non grata. I haven't heard from Gary's sister, Audrey, any time recently. I have no idea where she lives now nor whether she's flying in for the New Year, and if she has no expectation of meeting up with me, then really no one does or even should. 

As far as family is concerned, all is as should be. My sister-in-law and I used to email each other twice a year but she didn't at all last year. Doesn't mean she won't, but I ain't expecting anything. I did send that birthday greeting to my brother in July and he responded, but proper form between us meant that was all – greeting and response, it wasn't supposed to be a communication or continued exchange. 

Sometimes I think I just have to face that these people just don't like me, lol! And there's no reason for them to like me, I give them no reason to think I want them to like me. Theoretically I know I can contact anyone at any time about whatever, but my principle of don't be something to someone and then disappear prevents, since my disappearing is always an option or an intention, even if not likely or immediately manifesting. What's their excuse for not contacting me? Maybe I'm lacking in imagination, but the foremost reason is they don't wanna because they just don't like me, lol! Why would you contact someone you don't like? Why wouldn't you contact someone you like and haven't heard from in years?

I know relationships are complicated and this line of thinking is totally faulty. I have friends I've been out of contact for years and nothing is preventing me from saying 'hi', but I don't. Saying 'hi' isn't being something to someone, it's just saying 'hi'. I can say 'hi' and kill myself the next day and it would just be what it would be. No different with family. You just expect them to be there merrily rolling along. No one knows when will be the last time they see each other, so there's no reason to think there won't be a next time.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2019,1:54 p.m. - They day I found out The Living Mall had died closed.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2019, 3:13 p.m. - Sanmin Branch Taipei Public Library, 6th fl. photostitch.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2019, 3:03 p.m. - Through a window on a side street.

3:23 p.m. - The dead Living Mall from the southeast side, access fenced up. It kinda resembles the Jawa sandcrawlers on this side. Total coincident that the sphere on the other side looks like the Death Star.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2019, 2:55 p.m. - Temple on Ba De Rd.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 1:43 p.m. - And all the crap on the plaza outside The Living Mall that obscured appreciation of the architecture.

afterglow II (fin)

When I first read the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead (1994 Robert Thurman translation), perhaps what perplexed me most was what seemed to be repeated mentions of being able to attain "liberation" at sequential opportunities while in the between states. In the "reality" between, the second of three, there are repeated mention of "dissolving in rainbow light", "entering" various pure lands, and becoming a Buddha or attaining buddhahood. What does that mean? It doesn't say what that means, or I haven't encountered any explanation that satisfactorily explains it. So, me without a teacher, I'm left having to make something up myself. Funny how that works.

I have a hard time believing it means full enlightenment. However nice that result sounds, even logically it can't mean full enlightenment. The force of karma is said to be inexorable. It's hard to imagine how a person's accumulated karma over countless lifetimes can be expunged so simply and instantly. Further, there's possibly a bit of a Catch-22 when it comes to enlightenment which may or may not be relevant. In the Mahayana tradition, part of the bodhisattva vow of compassion is to refuse to exit the cycle of samsara until all beings can attain enlightenment, like the captain of a sinking ship refusing to get into a lifeboat until everyone under his or her command is safe. That is to say an enlightened being will always choose re-birth in order to help beings reach enlightenment, which is counter to the idea of selfishly and individually dissolving and entering buddha-fields and escaping the cycle of re-birth.

My speculative interpretation to make this all work, without any sources to back me up, mind you, is that liberation or buddhahood attained in the bardos through these methods and means may be a partial enlightenment with the effect of slowing and delaying our passage through the bardos and into re-birth, which is inevitable due to either not being full enlightenment and the inexorable force of karma (if there still is karma, there will be re-birth), or the bodhisattva vow to be re-born to continue the work of assisting beings towards enlightenment. Viva la run-on sentence! Whenever I stop Englishing means don't take me seriously.

Delaying re-birth is basically a prolonged suspension in the non-corporeal bardo states, "buddha-fields" or pure lands possibly. This idea of delaying re-birth, albeit not explicitly mentioned, can actually be read into the Tibetan Book of the Dead. After the bardo of ground reality, it is said one enters the bardo of "existence", the third of three, also translated as the bardo of re-birth or "becoming". The bardo of existence is when we most identify with our previous incarnation and when our ego-habit of who we were is strongest. It's the most Dante-like experience and includes opportunities for liberation by recognizing the nature of mind. But as opportunities for enlightenment are missed, the force of karma draws us towards re-birth.

But even still, the book has instructions for "blocking the womb entrance" to prevent re-birth for those who have made it this far without recognition. Again, it's not explained what this means nor what the results of blocking the womb entrance are. I think the implication is that if this person has gotten this far, they are heading for re-birth, it's unavoidable. They didn't have the aptitude or cultivation or practice to recognize the nature of mind. But still these last-ditch instructions to block the womb entrance. Why? Attaining buddhahood or entering buddha lands are no longer mentioned. So maybe it's to delay re-birth for as long as possible.

I wonder if maybe the benefits of prolonged suspension in the non-corporeal bardo states is immense. I wonder if maybe prolonged being in the bardo states infuses karma with the nature of that state, in perhaps an analogy of acclimating to different environments such as altitude or temperature. I'm just making this shit up at this point, by the way. It's not only a non-corporeal state, but a state of non-duality, which is what teachers repeat over and over as the state practitioners aspire to recognize and understand. Non-duality is what practitioners all over the world scratch their heads trying to get their minds around. Our corporeal existences are by nature dualistic separation from enlightenment, the ground luminosity that characterizes enlightenment. All phenomena are pulled out of the ground luminosity into existence by our samsaric, habituated minds of duality, like waves out of the ocean. We can't see the ocean for the waves.

I wonder if maybe more time spent in the bardos can lead to a re-birth with a predilection (seeds, at least) towards higher states of spirituality embodied by the ideals of compassion, wisdom, cultivation and transformation. I think the Tibetan Book of the Dead applies to all levels of practice. The most advanced practitioners will attain realization early in the bardo states when opportunities are most potent, and will remain in the bardo states for longer periods. There is precedent for this idea in the literature, but I'm not arguing anything so I'm not going scrounging for cites. Lesser practitioners can more likely attain recognition in the existence bardo and resist re-birth for shorter periods. Those who only hear the instructions for blocking the womb entrances and are able to execute them can still benefit with certainty of finding themselves back on the path in their next life.

As for how long beings remain in the enlightened states of the bardo, it's tricky to say because time is a convention of our physical world. Within the experience of the bardo, time may be totally irrelevant. From the perspective of the physical world, I just have an anecdote my cousin Audrey mentioned. We didn't discuss this at length, this is just my thinking about her once reporting one of her daughters telling her when she was still an infant something like "don't worry, I'm your mother", the implication being clear to us that she was the reincarnation of Audrey's mother who died in 1993, some 11 years before the daughter was born.

Initially, I questioned the gap of time between Audrey's mother's death and her daughter's birth because my understanding was quite primitive. Now, it's not outrageous. Audrey's relationship with her mom included complications any mother-daughter relationship can have, but her mom's effect on her especially after death can be seen as that of a spiritual mentor. It's not outrageous that her mom was able to remain in the bardo state for that long in our measure of time until she could let karma bring her back specifically as Audrey's daughter. I'm not saying I absolutely believe this or that it has some great meaning to how Audrey or her daughter should live their lives. Just that I'm sure stranger lore has been told.

It may even not be too outrageous to question the parinirvana of the Buddha. It is said that when the Buddha died, he entered parinirvana: total, full, complete, absolute enlightenment, melting into the ground energy and reality of the universe, escaping the cycle of re-birth never to be born again.

First of all, when I said that I believe in reincarnation because it resembles cycles that occur in nature, there is nothing unnatural about parinirvana just because it breaks the cycle. That's not the reason to question the Buddha's parinirvana, which theoretically could be a character of nature. After all, reincarnation assumes the existence of people, and people haven't always existed and the continued, perpetual existence of humans is simply not something that can be assumed.

I'm saying the teaching of the Buddha's parinirvana may have been a sham to give humans a goal, because chicks humans love goals. Only Buddhists don't call these things "shams", it's the doctrine of "skillful means" explained in the Lotus Sutra. It's OK to lie if you're ultimately benefiting humankind.

The Buddha escaping the cycle of re-birth doesn't make sense because of that boddhisattva vow of compassion. It just doesn't make sense that the Buddha of infinite wisdom and compassion would enter parinirvana, unless he couldn't avoid it, when he could continue to benefit beings by continuing in the cycle of re-births. But such an enlightened being isn't continually re-born uncontrollably like we the rest of us are. The Buddha can choose selective re-births when moments are most opportune to the maximum benefit to humanity. Such as when the people who were living on what we call the Tibetan plateau became ripe to receive and develop the dharma. Tibetans consider Padmasambhava, the founder of Tibetan Buddhism, a second Buddha, a follow-up to the first, but I wonder if maybe Padmasambhava wasn't the actual re-incarnation of the actual Buddha after some 12-13 centuries. Stranger lore has been told.

Had this facebook messenger exchange with my cousin Audrey over the course of a few days:

Audrey: Merry Christmas and happy new year.
Me: You too, and the kids! But we're not Christian. And we celebrate Lunar New Year and that's not for a month.
Audrey: You celebrate no holiday.
Me: I have nothing to celebrate.
Audrey: Celebrate that you are still here. (emphasis mine)

Gob-smacked. Wow, was that a stunner. Celebrate that I'm still here? Why? Who would say that to me? I just can't get my mind around anyone saying that to me whether they know me better or not. OK, it's more understandable from someone who doesn't, but from my cousin it near took my legs out from under me.

It's hard to describe the feeling. Wanting to punch her in the face? No that's unimaginable. Punch someone else in the face? Yea, something like that. Undirected aggression without anger. I almost felt insulted. So insulted that it almost amused me. Like I said, hard to describe. Disgust in there, too, a bit. Bitter, bad taste in my mouth. Celebrate that I'm still here. *smack* *smack* *bleah*

I'm still sifting through the layers of possible meaning and reason. Was she being characteristically tone deaf about an issue that should be lightly trod or was she  joking? This is the mind of a suicide, folks (often frustratingly unreadable, double entendre intended).

My cousin and I do that simple verbal sparring thing where some nonsense is said that's sort of a challenge to the other how to respond. That's what my first response was, not that I meant it to be. So then her reply follows in that same vein and is also a joke and a challenge. My reply as well, with glib hyperbole and faux dark tones that "people who know me" might wonder if I was being half serious and roll their eyes and ignore it as a result.

So was her last line joking or earnest? Logic suggests it's a joke. And if it was a challenge of 'let's see how you respond to this', she clearly won. I haven't responded. If it were a face-to-face exchange, and more clearly joking around, I likewise would have lost with no way to respond. And that's the point of the game.

Ah yes, it's actually a game in Korea, I've seen it on TV. Two people take turns trading taunts trying to trigger the other person. I've seen it in Chinese movies, too, where it's like a poetry duel using verses instead of taunts. They can range from the non-sequitur and absurd to pure zen. People everywhere engage in it with friends as a matter of conversation.

So I was successfully triggered. I can let it go. Did she mean to go too far? Well, that's the point of the game. Did she know she was going to far? Never mind the mind of a suicide, how about the mind of an acquaintance?

Short answer is that she has no idea about me and has stated as much ("of course you'd never commit suicide" were her approximate words and then going on without waiting or looking for how I'd respond). The longer answer is that she should at least have some sort of awareness and may be in denial. She has been exposed to ample evidence that something is not right with this picture and it wouldn't take much to put the pieces together to not brush any possibility aside (like she did).

Of course I would never commit suicide? Why? What gave her that idea? Buddhism probably. It's the perfect excuse to not deal with something she knows she can't deal with.

It is also totally possible that her final response was purely sarcastic. I was being sarcastic. Do you know what sarcasm is?

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

November 12, from my oldest brother:
Dad had another stroke and will probable (sic) not survive. Mom asked me to email you to make arrangements to fly back.

Nov. 13, from me:
What does it mean from a medical point of view that he will probably not survive? Is he expected to regain consciousness?

Nov. 13, from him:
The main stroke bleed is very large. A breathing tube was placed by the EMTs and it is not clear if he will stop breathing immediately when removed. He will never walk. He probably will not regain consciousness with about 99% but not 100% certainty per a neurosurg.

with a follow up:
I talked to mom this morning and she mentioned that in her mind she would like to wait until you arrived before trying to remove the breathing tube.

Nov. 13, from me:
OK, so is the expectation that I fly over asap?

Nov. 13, from him:
That was mom's request.

Nov. 14, from me:
OK, I'll arrive Thursday morning and take the EVA shuttle from JFK to Wash Br. Plaza around 2p.m. and can walk to the office and get picked up by Grace or mom if that works for you.

Nov. 14, from him:

Mom wasn't too happy about the date of arrival. So if you can get standby on an earlier flight she would probably appreciate it.

The A train would be faster (about an hour) and although not free is not that expensive. Mom might want to pick you up if I let her know your flight info and she knows you will arrive at 9:45am

Nov. 14, from me:
I'm going to stick to my itinerary as decided. Just say you haven't heard back from me. And I really don't want to be stuck in a car with her for an hour after I arrive.

Communications with my second oldest brother were decidedly brief:

Nov. 13, from him:
Not sure if anybody has been able to get in touch with you yet but dad is in the hospital. He had another intracranial bleed and is on a ventilator. Things look pretty bad - unfortunately his chances for significant recovery are dismal. Please give us a call or email when you can.

Nov. 13, from me:
Yea, Tom emailed me and mentioned me flying back, but I'm still wondering if that's really necessary or if not going would be really improper. Thoughts?

Nov. 13, from him:
Hard to say what the timing will be but my recommendation would be to come.


This family has never been big on communication. At least not with me. And I admit I'm not big on asking for information. If there's something they expect from me, I expect them to tell me. And when they don't and surprise me with something they expected from me, I never have regrets about coming across as an asshole.

And that's how it usually works out, too, I shouldn't wonder.

The reason why I posted the whole conversations is because I was trying to get information on what I should do, while also wanting not to come at all. I don't know if what I did was unreasonable, so I put the whole thing up for posterity.

I was fishing for any urgency or immediacy of the situation in hopes of finding a way out if there wasn't any. They both said I should go back, but neither said to get my ass on the next flight out. There was the "mom's waiting . . ." bit, but no indication that I might miss a window of consciousness if I delayed or why I should rush back.

So I was left with "come asap", and no direction and completely in my discretion what "soon as possible" meant. For me, I went as soon as it was possible for me, which meant moving slowly and decidedly and in my comfort zone.

My refusal to even consider changing my flight is based on nobody giving me guidance on what would be preferable. I made my decisions based on their sparse information, and if they wanted me to go sooner, they should have said so before I booked a flight. And I didn't exactly rush to book the flight. There was plenty of time for feedback.

And what no one knows is that I was pretty set on resisting going, but my cousin Audrey called from Switzerland pretty early on during those email exchanges convincing me to go. We were on the phone for about an hour and a half (at around 4 a.m. for me) and I told her I didn't want to go but she changed my mind, so that my resistance to going was actually pro forma. I was already going to go unless they found there was no need.

Not to put too fine a point on it, the most recent interactions with my cousin have ended in disappointment. She leaves for Switzerland next week and we're not going to meet up before then. Shortly after my last posts in June, she left the country for the U.S. to her previous home in Sedona to do whatever she needed to do.

Ironically, after all that talk about helping and being there, nothing came out of my asking her to help me get my computer fixed. She mentioned her brother could definitely help me with that, but she didn't do anything to further that. She didn't jump at the chance to help me in the rare occurrence of me asking for help when in a disadvantageous situation (mind you, it's not the first time).

In July, the problem had grown to the point that I was asking her when she'd be back, leading off with whether she could help me get my computer fixed. We had a short exchange, during which she never mentioned helping me with my computer, and the content of our exchange had me calling her out that she didn't want to help, so nevermind.

Her then saying she'd help was the most insincere offer to help imaginable. It was so insincere that I can't even call it begrudging. A begrudging offer to help is more sincere than what she offered. A begrudging offer to help is sucking it up and realizing one has to do something.

Her saying she'd help was more like "uh yeah, whatever". I didn't even want her help after that and my former Chinese teacher hooked me up in two days with a repair shop that was half a block away from me. I pass it just about every day.

That was just coincidence. She knows what neighborhood I live in, but she doesn't know my address and didn't know the shop she called was so close to me. But that coincidence seems to underscore how useless my cousin was in this matter. Even if she tried, she couldn't do better than my Chinese teacher did without even trying.

My cousin contacted me two weeks after she said she'd be returning to Taiwan, long after my computer was fixed, giving me her brother's number and saying he was available to help me with my computer. She could have done that from Sedona in June, she didn't need to wait to come back to Taiwan if she wanted to help me.

I'm not close or in contact with her brother, but we're on good terms. There's no awkwardness between us. Even though I posit my relationship with him through her, he's still my cousin and we've never had trouble relating as such. If she sent me the same message in June, I'd have called him.

Needless to say, I blew my cousin off. I was disappointed in her. I wouldn't be surprised if she is disappointed in me for whatever reason. For blowing her off. For just responding, "That's OK, I got it fixed already. Look me up if you're in town". No, we weren't going to meet up before she left.

Mind you, we've disappointed each other in the past and we've always gotten over it. It doesn't directly affect any future contact we have, although I have doubts about whether we will have any future contact.

My funds won't last beyond next May and I doubt she'll visit before then. I have some reserve, but I don't plan to exhaust every penny, and I want to leave a certain sum for my landlord, her uncle, to make up for any expenses resulting from my disappearance, if it comes to that.

Basically I don't hold anything against my cousin for not wanting to help. In this matter, that is. She has been helpful in the past, in matters more convenient for her I suppose. If I profess to hope to cut karmic connections between us, then of course I can't hold anything against her. She did me a favor by not helping by . . . just lessening.

If she eagerly and effectively helped, I would have been happy and satisfied and thought of her in a certain positive, possibly attached, light. As she did it, I realize I can be just kind of "meh" about her despite our past closeness.

Reassessing what happened with my cousin last week.

At the time, to me it sounded like she was saying that I was always there for her, but I never relied on her with my problems, maybe implying that she would have been willing to be available for me and to help me when I needed it.

I realize now that's totally bogus. She was implying no such thing. That was not her point and I was just reading into it, and that is what caused my reaction. Truth to tell, she never made herself available to me. The nature of our relationship is that I was willing to be there when she needed me, but the reciprocal not so much (which is fine).

I forget how it was before she had kids, but how it was after she had kids may have been a magnification of what it was like before. Since she's had kids, I've always been in the periphery, and properly so. In no bizarro world would I think I took priority over anyone's kids. Of course, what it was magnifying from before is another story.

And as her kids grew and matured, she never made any effort to help me have a relationship with them. I never really fit in and they just did what they did and I just floated about doing my own thing. The result is that things have subsequently been awkward and uncomfortable, despite my memories of playing with them when they were younger.

If I was supposedly important to her (I'm not assuming I am), it was never important that her kids knew, remembered or liked me. Not like that was her responsibility. It says more about my personality faults when it comes to kids, but I certainly got no assistance.

Another indication of the nature of our relationship was when we were in their hotel room and her kids were doing their own thing. I was asking questions about what was going on with her cheating husband and what her assessment of things was. I was interested in her situation and wanted to know.

But at some point when there was a lull, she said, "Any more questions?", like I was being intrusive or that all I was doing was asking questions and it was starting to annoy her. The nature of our relationship is that I ask about her situation to know more about her, but she never asks about me.

If you want to get to know someone, you observe, you ask and you listen. She's not interested, and that's just fine. I don't know what I would do if she were interested. But let there be no suggestion that she's ever been interested, much less available, to offer help or support. We talk sometimes, we have good conversations, but she doesn't delve.

(Since our relationship is long-standing and varied, it's not as simple as that. For example I've never liked vinegar, but adopted a taste for it a few years ago. This is not important, this is not something everybody or anybody knows. But we were having dumplings once and I reached for the vinegar and she was surprised. She's not disinterested or non-observant, and she does remember a lot of things about me through the years. Even small things shows she cares.)

But, truth to tell, she never has even been capable of offering help or support. She simply could not handle my issues. In my previous post, that wasn't a trifle when she assumed, practically under her breath, that I would never consider suicide and brushing it away like a mosquito without even asking or clarifying. When it comes to death, that defined her.

She has never handled death well. That's an understatement. No one can ever be blamed for not handling death well. But she gets overwhelmed and falls apart. She becomes unrecognizable. She is so beyond consolable that when her maternal grandmother died, I was completely at a loss how to even approach her.

I was telling her in my duplicitous, upbeat way how I was perfectly happy where I was in life because the whole point of my life was to drive it into a dead end, which is where I am. I was telling her this because it's just the truth. That's about all there is to say about my life and basically I'm just waiting to die, and laughed it off.

My laughing it off was her out. It was a joke and she didn't have to inquire further. If it was me, I wouldn't have let it pass. I would have asked what that meant. What do you mean your life is a dead end? What do you mean you're just waiting to die? I would've annoyed the hell out of me, which is why I'm glad I don't have to be friends with myself.

I would have recognized the dissonance and wanted to know more. And further, she knows about my bank account . . . issues. I'm guessing it was her step-mom, my aunt, who told her what my parents did with the money that was in my account.

She didn't ask how much I have left or if I was worried about it or what I was going to do. I also told her about my probable glaucoma and the blindness that comes with not getting it treated, and she laughed it off all on her own. I'm guessing it was an uncomfortable laugh at not wanting to know too much.

We've known each other a long time. She knows more about me than she's willing to admit, more than she probably wants to know; meaning there's a lot she chooses to ignore. When you've known me as long as she has, there are things that I can't hide, things that just have to come out.

She can feign ignorance about what most people would regard as self-destructive tendencies, but in her it's denial. As much as she's been exposed to through the years, it's ridiculous to look at the whole picture and think, "oh there's nothing wrong there, he'll be fine".

It's not like our relationship is complicated, but there are a lot of threads and tendrils sticking out and going no where. Lots of contradictions and I can't say anything definitive about us without constantly reassessing and taking things back.

I retract things in my last post regarding my cousin. They were immediate impressions and observations, perhaps frustration, but they miss our long-standing past and connection.

She came up to Taipei again without her kids and we got together just she and I, and everything was different. She ended up shaking the foundation of my existence in a way few have done before. She didn't mean to, she wasn't trying to. It's a specific chord that she managed to hit by accident.

She still doesn't know what chord she hit. I don't know if she saw my hand shaking or if she knew I sat back in my chair and froze because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to hold back tears. Or a tear. There may have been only one. But she noticed something and stopped and let me get composed.

We were talking about our relationship through the years and how I'd always been there for her when she needed me. But when her husband admitted he was having an affair, she didn't come to me. She didn't call, she didn't tell me.

I knew that when she finally did tell me, I had asked her why she didn't call me and I remember that she gave me a satisfactory answer, but I couldn't remember it this time and planned to ask her again. Fortunately I didn't need to admit that I forgot what she said before because she brought it up herself. 

She said she didn't want to depend on me as she had in the past. She knew she could always depend on me for support and to be on her side, but she felt that was not what she needed. She needed to get through it without me for her own strength and independence. 

She outlined all the times before when she went through problems and came to me and I was always there for her. During her good times, we fell out of contact because she didn't need me, and I was fine with that. I didn't need to always be in her life. I didn't even go to her wedding. But if she needed me, I was always there.

But she noticed that I never needed her. I never went to her when I was in crisis. She was never there when I needed help. And that was it. She touched something she wasn't supposed to. She noticed. I couldn't articulate what it was, but the conversation stopped and she sensed to stop.

She doesn't know that if anything, my life is one big crisis, basically all the time. She doesn't know how conflicted I am about needing help or accepting help. Even defining what it means to need help or to even want it.

Even just the suggestion of recognizing I may have needed help sent me into emotional shock. You have no idea. You're not supposed to have any idea. But to even indirectly suggest that she might have been someone I might have gone to in times of need was . . . too much.

She placed a loving hand on a wall that is built with bricks of silence and suicide. But what she touched was a breach. No one goes there. No one wants to go there. No one wants me to depend on them. It would be a disaster. And I told her as much.

It occurs to me that she has never seen me vulnerable. This was the first time she ever even scratched the surface, and she got in accidentally through the back door. It's not like I have to be "strong" for her. In our spiritual relationship, we are not only equal but I posit myself below her in many respects. Respect, gratitude, love, intimacy.

But, wow, the things she doesn't know. She doesn't know about suicide; she freely talked about contemplating suicide when she found out about her husband, but in passing she tossed out the assumption that suicide is impossible for me. She assumed it, she didn't even pause and ask, "right?" (I had admitted that in my current life, I'm pretty much just waiting to die).

She doesn't know about the alcoholism, even though every time we meet she mentions that I've been drinking because she can smell it (she's one of those annoying people who can smell alcohol on someone hours and hours later). She doesn't know about the insomnia.

She knows about the past cutting, but she went into denial about it before and that's probably the status quo. I haven't done that in years, but she hasn't followed up or checked that I still do or don't, even as a joke. I understand it's hard. Even Sadie, who had noticed scars and assumed it was cutting, was surprised at the extent of it when she saw it all. I've long stopped trying to hide it.

So Audrey hit an emotional chord. And then she backed off. As she should have as far as I was concerned. She mentioned several times over the rest of the evening how I would hit her emotional chords and keep poking at them. Maybe she was pointing out how I wasn't letting her keep poking. And maybe that's so, but that's what I'm imposing on her. She doesn't want me to depend on her, trust me, it would be ruinous, disaster.

Suicide has been a part of my resonant mental fabric since an early age, and I've learned through the years that I can't trust to tell anything I consider my truth to other people. Layers and layers have been laid so that when my cousin lovingly suggests that maybe I can tell her? Not a chance. Thank you, but no way.

People trying to get to know me, getting under my skin. Remnants of people trying to care. But these are my issues alone. As Audrey tried to grasp what had happened, I even invoked why I ultimately didn't ordain as a monk at Plum Village.

She had previously hijacked my attempt to explain it during her prior visit, but I was finally able to impose it on her this time. One of the reasons I didn't ordain (or more specifically engineered my aspirancy to be questioned), was partly because of one important discussion with the monks about having to deal with issues.

It was suggested to me that personal issues would have to be dealt with as part of the spiritual path. And for me, mine is not a path that anyone else has to deal with whether they want to help or not. If the monks saw I needed help, they would be available to help. Audrey, I'm sure, would be willing to "help" if I asked for it and explained how.

But it's not "help" I want or need. It's the howling abyss I need to face and plunge into willingly and fearlessly to see what it is and put it into my karmic experience.

Walking with her back to Taipei Main Station where she was going to meet her brother to go back to Kaohsiung, she started to flirt with me (she had a glass of plum wine). She thought it was hilarious that when she would hook her arm into mine, I would stiffen and become visibly uncomfortable.

My reactions were purely visceral. I also review them as funny, but . . . different places, different progressions. And I don't see that sort of reticence as permanent. She can flirt, she can be intimate in the future and, well, we have long-standing past and connection.

WordsCharactersReading time

WordsCharactersReading time

My cousin is currently in country. I don't have a lot to say about this. She's one of the last few people with whom I'm in contact. I had been looking forward to her coming up to Taipei for a few days, or even longer as she suggested was possible.

But after initial catching up, we ended up boring each other to death. She came up with her kids and of course they are her priority. I have no problem with them. I've known each of them since they were little mites and adore them in my own way*. But they have no recollection of me and naturally no interest and I admit I have no rapport with children.

In trying to converse with my cousin, there were times I'd start saying something with a point to make, but she would interrupt and hijack it and after that I felt there was no more need to try to make my point. She had her own point; no need to hear mine or for me to impose mine. She's preoccupied with her own situation and struggles with her estranged husband.

Nothing unpleasant, nothing negative, just blah; no connection. No effort or desire to meet up every chance possible.

So yea, I hope I can throw that connection away, which is certainly no revelation. If possible, I hope to cut karmic connections with anyone I've known or met (karmically) in this lifetime, and that has always included her (even if that's even possible or if I can be successful, it likely does nothing with karmic connections with people I haven't met in this lifetime, but still are connected to).

She did help me get my TV remote control issues fixed. Not in the way I hoped, but in the end it had to be done the way it was. But she didn't even try to respect how I wanted to go about it, which says something. Hopefully the past two months without a remote have sufficiently changed my habits so that I don't waste so much time channel surfing.

I don't know if she'll contact me again or whether we'll get together again before she leaves the country, but if she does I'll milk it to see if she can help me get my computer fan replaced. Temperatures in Taiwan are rising going into summer and as my laptop tries to cool itself down, it exacerbates the broken fan issue.

So I no longer consider my cousin a contact, someone with whom I can communicate. Madoka, no. Family, no. I don't expect to hear from my brothers ever again. Maybe my parents might try to call and I might take the call, but that would probably be an accident. If I suspect it's them, I won't take it.

The only person left is the casual acquaintance of my previous Mandarin teacher here in Taipei. We get in contact every several months and meet for coffee or go for a hike. It's just for several superficial hours that I can manage. That's my last human contact in this life.

I've taken cursory looks at my remaining bank account and calculate that I might have enough to make it to sometime next year. Do I want to even if I can? I'm really kind of tired of this all. I'm pretty much done. It's not depression. I don't have a reason (which is the only good reason to abandon a lifetime). But I have nothing left to offer to this life, and this life has nothing left to offer to me.

Eyesight is noticeably declining. I don't know for sure if it's glaucoma, but from computer screen to readings to general environment, it has become a consideration, i.e., not something to take for granted.

* The oldest, Pie (12), has overcome a karmic weight of childhood rage and lashing out, but under my cousin's care and upbringing has become stable and responsible. Gracie (10), my favorite, has always been a delightful, playful pixie and when I hear her speak now reminds me that years ago when she was beginning to talk she had the cutest squeaky voice. Eddie (8), has always resembled the Korean cartoon character Mashimaro and still does. He's a little buddha and I wouldn't be surprised if he turns out to be an incarnation of some past great Tibetan master.

WordsCharactersReading time

My cousin called me the other night and we talked for an hour and a half. We hadn't connected since she last called sometime earlier in the year, maybe March when she was living in Arizona.

My landlord is her uncle, and a few weeks ago he needed to come into my room for some work to be done and I asked him about Audrey. He surprised me with news that she had moved to Switzerland.

I was duly surprised. Maybe part of me was a little disappointed that she made such a major life decision to move from Sedona to Switzerland and never once was I on her mind to tell me about it. But to be truly disappointed, I would have to presume that I had some importance to her, and being important to anyone is antithetical to my being, so it was easy to just let it go.

Apparently I would have known about the move if we were connected on Facebook, but in the interim of our connections, I had unfriended both her and my old friend Madoka. I unfriended them as a reaction to people with whom I wanted more substantial communications. If they wanted to communicate with me, then communicate with me.

As far as I'm concerned, Facebook is for superficial contact with people with whom I would otherwise not be in contact. It's not for people from whom I expect more personal, direct communications. I realize no one thinks like this.

Facebook is a primary contact for many people. It doesn't matter if posts, likes and replies become a matter of committee between total strangers. It doesn't matter that a post wasn't meant personally for you and any number of replies are also not meant for you or by people who know absolutely nothing about you, and any reply you make goes to everyone who weren't intended as recipients.

It took about six months for Madoka to realize we were no longer friends and she sent me a message and I duly re-friended her. She didn't get it, but I felt re-friending was the only course of action to make my initial unfriending her not be passive-aggressive. It wasn't. It was hoping for something, and it didn't happen.

I still don't read her FB posts and our communications continue to be superficial and not at all a dialogue. Positive, but not dialogue. Theoretically, we continue to profess being important to each other; practically it's lip service. Well, no, we mean it, but the manifestation in our interaction doesn't live up to it. It's like going to church on Sundays and that being all for spiritual commitment.

Audrey never realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. After her uncle told me she moved to Switzerland, I sent a one-sentence e-mail to her telling her that I learned from her uncle about the move and wished her the best.

She sent a short (but longer than mine) email back saying it's all on Facebook. She still didn't realize we were no longer friends on FB, and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't and decided to just let it go. Whatever.

Then she called the other night, a couple weeks after I didn't respond, and we talked for an hour and a half.

What's the take away? Well, we don't matter to each other in an attached sense. We're not keeping tabs on each other, concerned for what's happening in each other's daily lives. It's Buddhistic non-attachment perhaps. It doesn't mean we don't care. We care, we just don't matter.

For her, things matter. Her kids, her father, whoever or whatever else matter. I don't, which is great. I don't want to matter.

And nothing matters much to me. That's also great, I don't want things to matter. I don't have kids, I don't have family who matter. I don't keep tabs on them, they don't keep tabs on me. Whatever happens to them and whatever happens to me is just news to each other. There's no involvement. There's nothing we could do if either side knew any more than we do about each other.

I don't know what issues they're dealing with and there's no indication they want my input on anything. That would be mattering.

And they don't know I'm an alcoholic and ignore how big of a problem insomnia is, but regardless, I don't want their input on those things. That would be mattering.

If you want to matter, you have to stick your nose in someone else's business. If you want other people to matter, you have let them stick their nose into your business. Caring is fine, but caring without action isn't mattering.

Me, my cousin, my family, we all care for each other. We just don't matter. There's no judgment in this, it's just fact.

I now have my own personal MRT station! I allow so-called "members of the public" to use it, but I consider it my own. This new "Songshan" MRT line opened on Saturday and runs along Nanjing East Road, which is a major boulevard that I use as the reference point to tell people where I live. It's a three minute walk to the station.

I've never been so close to a major rapid transit system (i.e., not buses). In Noe Valley I was pretty close to a light rail line, but San Francisco's light rail was part of the MUNI bus system. It wasn't BART.

The closest I lived to a BART station was in Daly City, about a 10 minute walk, but BART was not a very versatile rapid transit system. It was basically a commuter system from Bay Area suburbs to downtown San Francisco. It had a single set of tracks that ran through San Francisco and every train on all lines stopped at each of those stations.

This new Songshan line of Taipei's MRT system has transfers to multiple lines which opens up convenient possibilities to quickly get to a lot more places than BART could ever boast. It will be seen if this is a life-changing thing in terms of daily life. Especially on rain days when I can't go out on bike. On the other hand, it's still public transportation; still a drag.

Another big deal about having an MRT line open so close is that the value of my apartment probably just skyrocketed. This means that I owe my cousin Audrey that much more for setting me up here since this is her uncle's property and she's the one who got me in here at a discounted price six years ago.

nature of my closest relationships, part 3

It took three days for her to realize I wasn't going to visit. Three days after her realization, I receive this.

Audrey:
September 23; 7:24 AM:
Good, see you soon

Speechless. It's not like it was an easy decision not to go, and it's not like my not going has no meaning. It's just further solidifying the complete break between us. Nothing negative or spiteful, just fact. 

the nature of my closest relations, part 1

My most recent email exchange with my cousin:

Me:
September 16; 11:15 PM (after my uncle called to tell me he's going to visit Audrey and asking whether I want to go. As I mentioned, I hadn't heard from Audrey since July, so I was just putting a feeler out)

Hey Audrey,

I guess you know your dad is going to visit you. I think he's waiting for me to decide whether I'm going with him to buy his ticket. Do you know how long he's planning to be there and if he's returning to Taiwan afterwards?

I told myself if I heard back from her before I turned off my computer, then I'd go. It's my strategy to make decisions based on whatever else happens in the world.

Her:
September 17; 2:18 AM (before I turned off my computer):
hi dear, I told him that he can invite you to join his visit.  He plan to come on Sept 25, and stay until Oct 5th or 6th then flying to NJ to see your parent and our uncle.  Then he will come back to Taiwan around Oct 17th.
Are you interesting in coming?  You can stay as long as you want.  Too bad, you should be here earlier to help settle down the house, moving the furniture for me.  Yesterday, I have to call up a friend for help 7 o’clock at night moving a heaving table to my house..  I feel so bad to bother them.

Audrey

Me:
September 17; 2:32 AM:
Ah OK, your father will probably call me first thing in the morning and I guess I'll tell him I'll go. I won't go to N.J with him, but I'll figure out my travel plans with him when he calls. Sorry I couldn't help you with furniture. Where's Eric (the cheating husband)? Useless, once again! 

Me:
September 17; 12:46 PM (after her father called and I told him I wasn't going):
bah, I couldn't do it. when I woke up I realized I couldn't decide whether to go or not and I was going back and forth all morning. When your dad finally called, though, I realized I wouldn't go. Sorry. I hope to at some point, though.

Me:
September 19; 2:06 AM (after getting no response after telling her I wasn't going):

Hey Audrey,

I hope you're OK that I'm not going to visit. I told myself if you responded to my email before your father called, I'd. go. And you did, so I said I'd go.

But after waking up the next morning, before your father called, I felt strongly undecided, even though every logical reason told me I should go, it'd be great, it'd be better for me. Your father called later than I expected and while I was waiting, I was completely undecided, and even when my phone rang, I didn't know what I'd say. But after I answered and I had to say something, it just came out that I wouldn't go. And I was relieved. 

And surprised. But I won't bore you with the reasons I came up with later why I decided not to go. Just that there's no connection. It was the feeling. It didn't make sense, it's not my reality. There's no solid foundation for going. Looking at the continuity of my reality, it didn't make sense. It would have been pretending my day-to-day reality is something other than what it is. Going would have meant I'm involved in some way. And the reality is that I'm not. 

If you're disappointed, I'm sorry, but I hope you didn't really give a crap whether I went or not and either way is fine.
love

Her:
September 19; 10:14 PM:
My father is going to make the reservation for his travel plan, i asked him to book the ticket with you under the name Koji Li.  Is that correct?  

He is taking Japan airline departing from Kaohsiung, transfer in Tokyo and arrive in LA.  Then take the connecting flight to Phenix.  He plans to leave on Sept 25th. I let him book your return flight  on Oct 25th.  But you can always change the time for going back to Taiwan.  

Please call my dad.

Me:
September 20; 12:34 AM:
Did you get my last email? Did you even read it? The irony is so thick!

Her:
September 20; 1:09 AM:
yes, i did get the your mail.  But it seems like you haven’t spoke to him yet.  he doesn’t seem know any of your plan

Audrey

At this point, I restrained myself from acknowledging her getting my email, but then telling her to go read it! and waited for her to figure it out. Didn't have to wait long, she's in no way stupid. 

Her:
September 20; 1:12 AM:
hi, sorry.  i re-read all the email that you send and I finally find one that I miss.  So you do decide that you will not come.  I will call my dad and tell him about it.

  Sorry for the mis communication.

Audrey

Good decision not to go. It's none of my business. All family dynamics are none of my business. As far as I'm concerned, all is cut with Audrey. Even when she says she re-read all my emails, I don't know if she was responding to the initial, brief email saying I wasn't going, or the follow-up that was worried that she wasn't cool with it. I don't know, and it's none of my business.

As for my uncle, I've long held the tenet never to travel with him. Too often I haven't followed that. But this is a perfect example for the tenet. I told him I wasn't going, yet Audrey later reports he doesn't know what my plan is. That's the way he rolls. That's why never travel with him. He's a great guy, but lives in an alternate reality.

I haven't been able to get on my bike, despite several rather nice, sunny days. I haven't been able to get myself to the gym, despite nothing stopping me. And today I turned down an opportunity to go with my uncle to the U.S. to visit my cousin Audrey.

(I'm asking a lot how did Robin Williams know it was time? And is it time for another attempt for me?)

A trip in which I wouldn't have to put any effort or thought in planning, just go along with my uncle. A trip to the U.S., where I haven't been in over three years. A trip to the U.S. where I didn't have to deal with my parents. A trip to the U.S., whose food I've only been able to dream about for over three years.

I hadn't seen or heard from Audrey since we met up in July during her two-month visit to Taiwan. We only met that one time. We had discussed the possibility of her father visiting her and my tagging along with him.

But it was radio silence until my uncle called yesterday telling me he was going to visit Audrey next week and whether I was going with him. I told him I needed to think about it, but would make a quick decision. I sent an email to Audrey last night to get a feel for things, and I decided if she responded before I shut down my computer, I would definitely go.

She did respond, and I said I'd tell her father I'd go when he called first thing the next morning. But when I woke up, I was totally conflicted about it. I kept going back and forth and the case for both were solid. He didn't call first thing, but several hours after I was up. I didn't know what I was going to say when I picked up the phone, but after I answered, it eventually came out of my mouth that I wasn't going. Depression wins?

I don't know if depression is at work here. I don't feel it, but the evidence is plain to see. If Audrey doesn't accept my not going and tells me to go, I'll call my uncle and see if a seat can still be booked for me.

I visited Audrey for the last time in Kaohsiung. She leaves for the U.S. on Wednesday, initially going with just her 5-year old son to find a place in Sedona. Her husband will bring Pie and Gracie to her later this month.

In these few months since she revealed her ordeal to me, we've probably spent more time together than in the almost eight years that I've been in Taiwan.

We haven't been close, cordial at best. But that's been good enough for us to connect in the end and end on a good note.

We spent the sunset hours at a solitary beach she frequented and in which she took solace when she was going through her ordeal. If all of my life were film footage I was editing into a film of my life, scenes at that beach would feature prominently towards the end of it (hopefully the end of the film is still coming soon).

It was a bit other-worldly. The important thing was her taking me to that place. We got there and immediately separated. The place had its own importance to her, but it had its own resonance to me that Audrey doesn't know about, having spent a lot of time at shores myself.

In this current lifetime, we're close; connected. However that closeness has been characterized by distance and pushing away against pulling together. And in the end, in light of our dual, practically simultaneous realizations in October, I think it's a happy end that we end our karma with each other.

The karma that pulled us together is done. The karma that pulled us together potentially held complication. It held attachment. It held us as two distinct beings interacting with each other. That's all done. It's no more.

In being special to each other, we are no longer special to each other. And in the pursuit of enlightenment, it's a good thing to lose attachments and to end karma, even to things that seem materially like good things.

complicated

When I visited Audrey last Monday in Kaohsiung, she picked me up at the HSR station in a white Lexus that I'd never seen before. Not really a wonder as I hadn't visited in over three years. I got in and also wasn't too surprised at the feeling that technology has left me far behind.

I mean, I could probably drive the car easy enough, but incorporating any technological details would require some degree of learning curve. The dash and the controls would take familiarizing. The rear-view screen when the car is in reverse would no doubt have me bumping into cars first time around. Although I can see the convenience in that technology, I have also always been able to park perfectly well without it.

The Bluetooth phone connection had me shaking my head at how complicated my cousin's life is. And despite her desire to simplify once she moves to the U.S., the fabric of her current life is already complicated and it won't be so easy to break away from habit. I know from experience.

It was my ideal when I moved to Taiwan to live a simple, hermit-like existence, but years later I looked at the clutter of my apartment and wondered "where did all of this stuff come from?!". It was the day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month habit of wanting this or that or thinking I needed this or that.

Even with mindfulness practice in place and being watchful of being a consumer animal, one thing always leads to another. Years later I find myself with an apartment full of stuff.

The past few years have been helpful. I think my reaction to the complexity of my cousin's life is a result of my years of not wanting anything or wanting to do anything, even eat. Since the torpor ended, I've been engaged in a slow process of house cleaning and getting rid of the clutter.

But the temptations still arise.

Recently my landlord (Audrey's uncle) upgraded the internet/cable in this property. Simply said, what I had thought were my simple habits regarding watching TV have gotten more nuanced, ergo complicated.

There's good and bad. Complicated is bad just in itself. But the good is the scattering of those simple habits I had come to expect and around which I had come to live my life. I have to let go of those habits and adapt to being technologically upgraded without going overboard. I'll see how well I do with that once he installs a promised (not asked for) flat screen LED TV.

I went down to Kaohsiung on Monday to visit my cousin Audrey.

I was aware even before this visit that I've been understating her. Our relationship while I've been in Taiwan has been muted at best. But when I was trying to figure out what happened at the beginning of October, I did note that phone call to her, right before she left for the U.S.

I think she might be just as important in regard to what happened as what I mentioned in the previous post. I think what I experienced may be closely tied with what Audrey just went through. I don't think I did or can convey what a big deal she has been going through with her husband and deciding to leave the country.

When we met for dinner at the end of October, just after she came back from three weeks in the States, I held back mentioning this to her, but finally decided it was OK and told her that if it were three weeks earlier, I probably wouldn't have wanted to meet.

I told her about the food thing and my general just not wanting to do anything. I had noticed that she only told me about the ordeal after it was over, so maybe she didn't want me to have anything to do with it and so I probably would have weighed that against any request to meet up.

But when I mentioned that we probably couldn't have that meeting three weeks earlier, she also said she probably couldn't have met 3-4 weeks earlier. The point at which she called me to tell me what was happening was really just right after she had an awakening, before which she was something of a nervous wreck and had been for months.

I'm not suggesting anything directly relational happened between us metaphysically. It's more what I mentioned before about being "entangled", and it's more like the concept of entangled particles in quantum physics; a "spooky", seemingly impossible concept that science has accepted as factually real in the quantum realm.

My very basic understanding is that particles that are "entangled" simultaneously exhibit corresponding properties no matter where they are. They can be across the universe from each other, but when a certain property is exhibited in one particle, a certain (other) corresponding property is simultaneously exhibited or known about the other particle.

This flies in the face of classical physics because it suggests information is traveling faster than the speed of light. Despite this paradox, entanglement is an accepted property of quantum mechanics.

It's not like we have some deep meaningful connection. But like entangled particles, we affect each other across space, like what she said, "when I learn, you learn".

I still don't want to make a big deal about it. The distance between us has grown proportionally with any closeness.

We don't want or need anything from each other. But the big change that happened in early October I might call a little bit of a big thing. If so, Audrey should be mentioned. I can never rule out that she's relevant to my journey.

So a major change occurred in early October. That's the what. But why? What happened?

There was a confluence of things that complicates and confuses what may have happened, and I'm deciding that all of the superficial, material things weren't it.

The change was much too sudden for any outside, material influences to be so effective. Including and especially cutting back on alcohol. That effectively happened afterwards; it wasn't it.

I'm tempted to pay attention to those days I thought I had succeeded in sabotaging my health and that liver/kidney failure was imminent, but . . . no. It felt momentous at the time, but maybe only as a superficial marker.

Any "facing my mortality" is not momentous, it's the norm. I didn't face my mortality and something in me changed. That would be sarcasm.

So I'm looking at the fringes.

In early October, I made contact with my cousin the day before she left for the U.S. to figure out where she was going to move with her children. I had known she was planning the trip for about a month, but I called right before she left, not knowing that fact. And she left. We got together the day she returned three weeks later, after the big change in my life had occurred.

Around that time, after my cousin left, I also read one or two chapters in a book that . . . did something. It's a book by a Tibetan lama of his commentary on teachings by one of the "greats" who basically is credited as one of the founders of one of the four schools of Tibetan Buddhism.

It doesn't matter what book it was, the commentary doesn't matter, the lineage doesn't necessarily matter. It was just the encountering it after all my years of reading, studying, sitting, searching. It's different for different people, but anyone who stays on the path for however long it takes may encounter it (if one must know, the book for me happened to be Confusion Arises as Wisdom by Ringu Tulku and is his commentary on the teachings of Gampopa, considered a founder of the Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Buddhism).

It was an "I get it" moment. It was a scratching of the surface, nothing deep, I had been exposed to the teaching countless times in countless ways, but it was this time, in this chapter of this book by this author when the "OMG, I get it" moment happened. Reality, or the perception of reality changed.

And it was just the start. I've felt like I've been on a spiritual journey for all these years, but all that was just preparation. I'm just barely reaching the shore now to begin. All those years I thought I had been advancing on the path was just setting up the prep station, the mise en place.

Again, it's not the teaching itself. I can repeat it, I can describe the realization, but it's the same information in countless numbers of books. All you can do is . . . keep practicing. Dedication is a must. Levity is a must, a careful balance between doubt and confidence.

I want to say to be true to oneself and to listen to one's heart, but those are cliched crocks. You can be true to yourself, but if it seems like shooting someone would be true to yourself, I'm not going to recommend being true to yourself, yo'm say'n? You can listen to your heart, but your heart may be telling you some off-the-wall shit.

I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have no idea what happened.

Tie to my cousin? Maybe. We haven't had the greatest relations or communications while I've been in Taiwan. She sure wasn't any help when I needed her most when I first arrived.

But I'm willing to accept that maybe we are "entangled" souls or beings. As she put it, "when I learn, you learn". Our current relationship doesn't mean a whole lot to me now, I'll help as much as I can in these trying times of hers, but the relationship that is important has nothing to do with her and I as we are in this human, corporeal form.

Zero hits to this blog since I changed the url! That's success in my book. All of the usual web searches from before still go to the old url, dead blog. It's kinda liberating. I've been feeling this blog has lost the plot, that it's come off the rails, that its wheels have left the road. It's like a conversation with myself that's been lost.

Acquaintances, friends are ongoing conversations. What and how you communicate with different people is sourced in previous conversations and interactions. It's hard to be motivated to instigate contact with people when that conversation is gone or has been disrupted: I think of trying to write to Sadie, Madoka or Delphine, but the conversation between us is just not there. The last thing they said to me doesn't inspire response and any contact would have to be a cold start.

I did meet up with both my cousin Audrey and my old Mandarin teacher recently within a two week period. It's much easier to reestablish a conversation in person. Audrey recently went through a crisis with an end result that she is separating from her husband and taking her kids and moving to California. When she first called to tell me what happened, we couldn't establish a conversation. We couldn't close the distance that way.

My Mandarin teacher also contacted me with an emergency regarding a situation with her Master's program and asked to get together. Although I don't think the urgency was essential to the conversation as was it being in-person to discuss a situation.

I guess the pattern suggests the long-distance conversation is out. The nature of my relationship with people is that there is too much to "not get" over distance. On the "getting" part, Sadie, Madoka and Delphine all don't. And I don't give a crap. That's not a negative not giving a crap, I'm not judging nor have any feeling about it. That's just observation of the way it is.

I guess it's possible to meet up with someone in person and still miss successfully having a "conversation", but my relationship with my cousin and teacher are substantive enough that if we're sitting across from another, it's pretty easy.

Fortunately, I'd say, too.