random post: coffee

I'm no longer addicted to caffeine and don't really need it, but I bought a bag of beans yesterday and I think I may have found my proper way to pour a cup of coffee using a filter cone.

I've been experimenting for years trying to come up with a consistently good (to me, that's why I say my proper way) cup of coffee. I've even searched on the web to see how other people do it and either it's super-anal techniques that no normal person in their right mind would pay attention to, or nimrods who post the most obvious, derp-city way to use a filter cone that even a monkey could figure out.

Experiment factors include grind (how long to grind), water temp (how long to let it cool), and how to pour. There's a lot to personal taste, so how long to grind and water temp is an individual preference. I grind for 10-15 seconds, and let water cool for a minute.

The pour, I think, is the key and that's with what I've been experimenting. My way is don't saturate the grind right away. I do a quick, short line pour that just introduces the water to part of the grind and for what that's worth, let it soak in for a few seconds; it's not enough to even start a drip. Then a second line pour with the same intent, not necessarily enough to drip, but just soak whatever grind it hits.

Then after another few seconds of letting that soak and settle, do a circular pulse pour that will likely cover the rest of the grind and instigate the drip if it hasn't already. From then, I add water gradually by pouring along the rims of the grind, never right onto the center of the grind, and each time letting the coffee drip out some (never completely) before adding more water. As the grind is saturated, it will take longer for coffee to drip out and so the water level will rise in the cone, but what I find works is keep the water level down as much as possible at first.

And it should foam naturally this way. I vaguely recall from way back someone recommending something about how much the grinds should foam. That kinda makes sense to me, not knowing the science, because it seems it might have something to do with aerating the grind which might have some beneficial effect on the "extraction".

I note that my way goes against other people's advice that the grind should be saturated immediately. I've tried that and I like the taste of my way better. If I were to get zen philosophical parody about it, my initial, non-saturating line pours are like getting the grind's attention and telling it "you are about to become coffee, breathe and smile", as opposed to just drowning the grind in complete saturation.

Also with my way, at the end of the drip, the grinds shouldn't be deposited high and thin on the filter, as with many coffee makers, but concentrated relatively low, which might make sense for good extraction, but again I don't know the science.

I think the key is hearing how other people do it, try it, experiment with variables and then if you're consistently quoting Harrison Ford saying, "Now that's good coffee!" (Witness), bam.

Yesterday ended up being another disaster of sorts. After watching Michelle Wie triumphantly win the U.S. Open, all during which I was self-medicating the insomnia, I went right to sleep from 6 to noon.

It's odd, I always drink all night right until I go to sleep, and that has little effect on how I am when I get up. But when insomnia is involved, I'm always groggy and fucked up after getting up, no matter how long I've been sleeping. That's why one of my general guidelines is no alcohol during insomnia.

I know that if people were studying my case, they would say it's about the alcohol. Even if I'd been drinking all night before going to sleep, then awoke because of insomnia and continued to drink, they'd say it's the increased amount of alcohol that fucks me up.

And I would say they're wrong. It's not the alcohol per se, but primarily the insomnia with alcohol as a contributing factor. They wouldn't get that and that's why the medical profession is so ineffective regarding this type of insomnia. For instance, if it wasn't an insomnia night but I just happened to wake up a few hours into sleep and decide to chuck back a couple shots and crawl back into bed, I'd be fine when I woke up in the morning. 

In fact, if I'm remembering correctly, I went to sleep at around 1, early for me but I was tired from the weekend, and slept for two hours before waking up at a little after 3 and felt lucid and sober. And it was because of the U.S. Open that I didn't even try to go back to sleep, maybe it could have been a good night's sleep. But then because I was up and doing something, I allowed for drinking.

I already know that going to the gym after insomnia is a bad idea, but I went yesterday and confirmed it. But it was weird because my calf muscle pulled exactly as I stepped in the door. Literally, I took one step in, felt the muscle pull, and stepped back out. I spent the next 15 minutes limping around the area deciding what to do.

I ended up going in with it in mind to lay off the calves, meaning elliptical is OK, no treadmill or stairmaster. But during weights, I realized I was too tired and left after only an hour, my shortest time at the gym.

The calf hurt for the rest of the day and I couldn't even cover up the limp. But it also occurred to me that I should be bracing my calves. Actually that was inspired by Michelle Wie who was crazy using what I learned from the broadcast as "physio tape", but found online is properly called "kinesio tape".

I might look for the stuff in Taiwan. I'd be surprised if doesn't exist here, but I'm not sure where to find it. But I did pull out a knee brace that I brought from the U.S. which can be used on calves, and if that's effective and if there's a need, I can buy another one for my other leg.

This should be interesting (albeit only to me). Sleep this weekend was good. Saturday was sufficient but too heavy in the end for sitting, but Sunday was also good and I got back to sitting. Still, for the rest of the day I wasn't able to break out of a general lethargy and deliberately cancelled going to the gym, considering it a good day for a break since Saturday was hard on my calves.

Right now, instead of battling what may have become a bout of back-end insomnia, knowing the U.S. Women's Golf Open was airing live, I'm forgoing trying to sleep and watching TV, pulling for Michelle Wie. I won't say much about that. I started watching LPGA golf during my years of torpor. Another inexplicable interest except to note that South Korean women have been doing really well in the field.

I know Michelle Wie is American, but she'll do. She has a lot of support from American fans of all stripes, but I'm sure there's a percentage of people who would prefer to see Stacy Lewis, a "real" American, win. I recognize that Stacy Lewis is currently the world number one and she will probably go down in history as one of the greats, but from hearing her talk, I think she might be unconsciously racist, no evidence of it being overt, I don't think she's aware of it or trying to be, but enough to make me love to see her lose or fail (my loving to see her lose is not begrudging her from being the champion she is). I'm sure none of her peers think she's racist. You have to be looking for it.

I'm still having trouble with my calves trying to build my running back up. After pulling a calf muscle a week after joining the gym, a month later, I'm still struggling to complete 3 miles at any pace without injury. Both calves are problematic, and I've been easing off runs on the treadmill at the first sign of trouble.

I'm not sure what the issue is, since even after not running for so long, calves are still important for cycling, so I don't know why they are this problematic going back to running. It seems I'll need a more gradual slope of improvement to build strength up in those muscles. But seriously, 10-minute miles are depressingly slow.

insomnia diaries

Yea, even for me, that "ignore the effects of insomnia" policy isn't always possible. And I can only have that policy nominally because I can afford to. People who have to function and deal with the world can't even pretend to.

And note to self: going to the gym after a night of insomnia is probably not the smartest thing in the world. In a word, yesterday can be described as being "bad", although I'm not so much into the "good"-"bad" judgy thing. Things just are.

That being said, mindfulness practice does come into play in that I don't see myself as a victim of an affliction. Something "bad" is happening but I just observe it and my reaction and don't make it personal or get emotional about it. At worst, things are just "interesting". i.e., oh this is not good, I think I need to get home asap . . . how interesting.

The effects of insomnia do feel like an illness. There's a definite short circuit in mental capacity; I remember that from that time I was working at the Post and my boss came up to me and told me he called two other people to come in to cover for me and that I should go home. I was like, "why?!". I thought I was functioning fine when it was clear I wasn't. And, mind you, he told me this right after I had come out from the bathroom where I had been hyperventilating.

As for working out, it's stupid because, again, there are mental lapses of grandeur thinking I can do what I clearly can't and run the risk of injury. Aside from that, physical weakness manifests where a perfectly reasonable weight resistance workout ends up in unreasonable soreness, as if I had just started working out.

As for today, last night was a recovery dead-sleep and I got a full night sleep but then had trouble getting up and cancelled morning sitting. I didn't go to the gym and was pretty much zombified and wiped out. Exhaustion came easily.

insomnia diaries

Yesterday I erroneously, optimistically thought I was in the clear regarding this latest bout of insomnia and it was over. I got a solid seven hours of sleep and was mostly fine afterwards with just hints of zombification. Per personal policy, I didn't think or worry about it and went through my day including going to the gym.

Then last night I got smacked by a nasty, back-end insomnia. Slept from 2 to 4, and then from 4 to 7:30 was in a twilight state, fading in and out, getting up occasionally to reset the fan timer or start up music again. At 7:30 I put on one of my mix CDs and listened to the whole thing lying in bed and got out of bed afterwards, as it was close to 9. Considered sitting, but ultimately cancelled.

What I was being optimistic about was that the insomnia from the weekend was a one-off, rather than a spell. One-offs happen and don't have any lasting effect. Spells are prolonged periods and are what fuck chronic insomniacs up.

Per policy, my attitude for the day is to totally ignore any effects. If I get tired and have to crash, it's because I'm tired and have to nap. No harping about being exhausted or zombified. Even gym, but I'll intend to go easy since exertion in a fatigued state probably contributes to injury.

I had what could be described as a normal sleep, it looks normal on paper. Falling asleep took a little time, not right away, but then I slept for four hours before waking and then continued sleeping and waking at intervals until my alarm went off. That's totally acceptable for me. I had gone to the gym yesterday.

I am bracing for the recovery dead sleep. It lurks. It's like a time bomb. Maybe just those two days weren't enough to mess things up that much. I'm not worried, I'm just writing about it to describe it. I have the luxury of being able to take it in stride. If I'm wiped out and zombified for a few days, it doesn't really matter. I'm not doing anything. I don't have to do anything.

Truth to tell I'm forcing myself to continue writing this blog. I really don't want to, don't need to. My relationship with my ego has gotten to a point where I'm sensitive to the fact that writing a blog is an ego feed. There's a lot I haven't mentioned about practice and meditations.

Actually, everything is an ego feed. Any contact with any of the five physical senses feeds the sense of ego, that I am here. It's the most natural thing in the world in terms of human experience, yet Buddhism points it out as a fault, as the first step towards all our suffering. And to pursue non-suffering, Buddhism suggests a path to understand the role of ego and ego-attachment towards suffering and to transform our perspective on it.

But it's like having stopped playing guitar and bass. I still have a guitar and bass and I still take them out and play with them. In the past year, I've even bought a multi-fex gadget that I can plug into and play through headphones or speakers.

But I still consider myself having stopped. I'm not a bassist or any sort of musician. It doesn't feed any ego-identity. It's a karmic skill I've acquired, but I hope I'm not feeding any continuing karmic energy.

As for this blog, it used to be that I wanted the record to exist somewhere of who I was. Now that idea is ridiculous and I couldn't care less. Record for what or whom? My ego, of course. No one cares about it. No one knows about it and I've done everything to hide it that didn't involve actively restricting it through privacy settings. Hiding it in plain sight, that is.

Even as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, "this is so stupid".

Second day in a row of insomnia. Yesterday was some sort of insomnia disaster, a resultant waste of a day, but I take things in stride.

I don't remember much of yesterday until I decided to get out of the apartment. Actually, I don't even remember the decision, but it was achieved around 6. There was little sleeping when I was trying to prior, but after giving up and getting on the computer and starting the drinky-drinky, I did pretty much pass out at some point for a few hours. But then most of the ensuing afternoon was spent in front of the computer and shot glass. Little of which I remember.

Last night was a combination of front- and back-end insomnia. Over an hour before getting to sleep (listening to music), waking up scarcely 3 hours later and not able to really get back to sleep until 9 o'clock rolled around and I got up and did morning sitting.

Yesterday's zombification was not the way to do it, today so far was right, and I treat the rest of today like I got a full night of sleep. No carping about sleeplessness, don't acknowledge it, nap if necessary, but don't have a bad attitude about it.

Not that I think there's any correlation, but I didn't go to the gym Saturday or yesterday. Today I'll go.

insomnia

I had wondered what sort of effect working out regularly at World Gym might have on insomnia. Early results weren't conclusive, but I thought I did notice my sleep getting better and more regular with harder workouts.

I got together with my ex-Mandarin teacher yesterday, the only person with whom I'm still in contact in Taipei, and the idea came up that I should keep track of my insomnia, at least for the data.

There are different types of insomnia. There is spontaneous one-off sleeplessness which isn't insomnia at all. It gives some people a taste of what it's like to lose sleep, but comes nowhere near the debilitating experience of a chronic insomniac. There's also causal insomnia which is treatable by something termed "cognitive behavioral therapy". What the fuck ever. Then there's my kind of chronic insomnia, which is detailed and covered in Gayle Green's book Insomniac.

The suspicion suggested in the book is that there may be a physiological basis for chronic insomnia, and not just a psychological basis which most doctors just assume for ALL insomnia, just because that's what it is for MOST recorded insomnia cases. And no research is going into looking into a physiological basis.

Ironically, after talking about it with my ex-Mandarin teacher and telling her my sleep has gotten better with workouts at the gym, I had what I call a total insomnia episode.

When you have this kind of an ailment, you start creating descriptions of it for yourself. This type of insomnia is like an illness and not something simply treated by something like "cognitive behavioral therapy", which I scoff at.

Front-end insomnia is when I can't get to sleep when I try to, but eventually fall into levels of sleep that render me functional when I get up. I'm not 100%, but I'm functional.

Back-end insomnia is when I can get to sleep when I try to, but then wake up a few hours in and can't get back to sleep. It's still more-or-less functional, but has its effects.

Total insomnia is not being able to get to sleep at all.

Other notes about my sleeping habits are:
- I generally try to get to sleep around the same time, around 2am.
- I need music on when I try to sleep with the sleep timer set for 30 minutes. If I'm not asleep by the time the music shuts off, that's a likely indication of front-end insomnia, although not always.
- I set my alarm for 9am and whether back-end or front-end insomnia, I try to get up around then and continue with morning sitting.
- No self-medicating with alcohol to try to force or extend sleep in either front-end or back-end insomnia. 
- Total insomnia means bets are all off and likely no morning sitting and possible alcohol self-medication. I say "possible" because sometimes I'm no longer trying to get to sleep, and I'm just drinking. But sometimes I just start on drinking and then end up sleeping for several hours. Quality of rest is questionable.
- Recovery "dead sleep" is arguably the worst part of it. Sometimes I can deal with the sleeplessness, but when it catches up, it ends up in dead sleeps when it takes a long, long time to drag myself out of bed, and even then my function levels are low for hours. Morning sittings are almost always out of the question.

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I'm finally getting into the rhythm of avoiding injury and completed a slow 30 minute run on a treadmill without injuring myself. That's my current benchmark – not injuring myself. As slow and pathetic as it was, I felt it was an accomplishment. Oh how our standards fall with age.

Not that I have any intention of a "standard" remaining the same.

Pulled left calf muscle healing, but again tackling the treadmill, I felt a twinge in my right calf and immediately eased off. I'm hoping this is building strength, and as long as I don't injure the muscle, I'm strengthening it.

It is discouraging, but it is a reflection on my failed effort to try to run again last year. I recognize now that my calves are woefully weak, and they simply failed last year and I simply gave up, fearing further injury. I already injured one this year, but with the controlled environment of a gym, I can focus on babying my calves up to strength as long as I avoid injury. And icing after stopping after feeling the muscle getting to the brink of tearing.