"Issues I'm dealing with in this lifetime". I was introduced to that idea in my first year of college, I think from Richard Bach's Illusions. We choose our issues, our problems that we have to work on to grow spiritually. We are the otters of the universe.

Back then, suicide was already on my agenda, although much more angsty and not the edifice of philosophically developed bullshit I seem to think has a leg to stand on now. I labeled the issue I'm dealing with in this lifetime as "existence". And now that I think of it, that hasn't changed much through the years. As pretentious as "existence" sounds as an issue when I first identified it, I haven't replaced or upgraded it to anything else. Suicide for me is an existential issue.

But presently, I can tuck that issue in my cap because of another issue I'm recognizing in my self-imposed isolation. I'm not sure what to call it, but it feels like some sort of paralysis. I don't want anything, I don't want to do anything anymore. And by "paralysis", I mean that simply as a descriptive and not as something negative. Perhaps perplexing, but not negative.

People, if they're not depressed, want to do something. I understand it. For a large portion of my life, I wanted to do music. I wanted to practice, I wanted to play. I don't anymore. I may pick up an instrument now and then and noodle, but there's no feeling or wanting anymore. It's wet noodling. I used to be a runner, and that was almost a compulsion. If I didn't run, I would get antsy. It was even metaphor and motto, "you don't stop", á là A Tribe Called Quest. You don't stop meant the pursuit and the passion, which included towards suicide, as death is a part of life. I stopped. Then I got into cycling, and I still go for rides, but it's a major production in my head and a chore to get myself out the door by the scruff of my neck. It's not that I want to ride, I'm practically forcing myself.

People, if they're not depressed, want to be social and hang out with friends. I just don't want to. Some people I know have called me out and after reluctantly agreeing and meeting up with them, they subsequently haven't made any contact. Maybe I've become socially inept. I didn't feel I was inept, but it also may have just been the vibe I gave off. As much as I tried not to give it, it was, "I don't want to be here and want to leave as soon as I can".

I haven't rented a movie in an awful long time, because I just don't care to. I've been to Blockbusters since, but I would just walk out empty-handed.

Family in Kaohsiung have made overtures, but I just have no interest. I can't imagine a visit to Kaohsiung. What would I do there? Stare at family members I can't communicate with or be marginalized by family members having a conversation I can't participate in? Been there, done that.

I could travel now if I wanted with that windfall, but I just have no interest. Not even Taiwan, much less respond to Madoka's entreaty to visit her in Japan after she heard about the windfall. As much as I love Madoka and feel comfortable with her, I can't imagine going there and interacting with her in close quarters for whatever amount of time I'd be there. I'd want to be alone. I can't even imagine making the effort to go visit her.

And love itself. Just NO INTEREST. I don't want to be loved, I don't need to be loved, I'm perfectly happy not loved. Love, sex, intimacy: no interest. Connection: no interest.

And New Jersey family is asking me if I'm going for a visit for my father's 80th birthday, and I just have no interest. I'm still composing my email response that I don't want to go. Birthdays have never been a big deal in our family and family gatherings I've always found to be awkward. I can't imagine a visit to New Jersey. I'm trying to make the email not sound grim. If they do press for me to go, I might concede, though. Everything's a big whatever, meh.

I do things during the course of my days because I have to do something. I'm not a vegetable yet. I've already said I'm not a hermit. I can watch TV or DVDs or surf the net all day. I read at bookstores and the library. I go out to eat and I do eat, but I can't say I have much of an appetite these days. I don't ever feel hungry. I go out and eat because it's something to do and to ward off what I expect will become hunger if I don't.

I know, it all sounds like depression, but I don't think I'm depressed. I don't feel depressed. I'm fairly at peace, I really have nothing to complain about, so I don't for most part and dismiss it when I do. I cultivate happiness just for the sake of happiness; happiness not being the result of desire or acquisition, but just from this idea of conscious human existence. I'm here, why not be happy? I'm here, why be miserable?

I'm trying to figure out what to make of a huge windfall that would have anyone more deserving and appreciative doing cartwheels and floating on air.

My cousin called a while ago, and she told me some things had happened regarding family stuff and to expect some extra money in my bank account. I said, "oh", and after asking a few questions about what happened and hearing the answers, I didn't think any further of it. Not really any of my business.

Then a few weeks later I went to get rent money and saw my account balance and said, "oh ... my", and understood why my cousin had emphasized, "... you can probably stay in Taiwan for a loong time".

Actually, it happened like this: I withdrew the rent money and got the receipt and glanced at the left side of the balance, expecting to see 3 numbers in front of a comma and all would've been fine. Instead I saw a single number in front of the comma and thought, "that could be bad", and left the bank wondering if my account had been hacked. Where did the money go? That would be a game changer. No more money, time for plan B. Well plan A, which perpetually seems to be plan ... Q.

Then out on the sidewalk I glanced at the receipt again and looked at the right side of the balance and saw there were 3 extra numbers that I hadn't noticed before. Eyes widen. Oh ... my. I couldn't even try to calculate how much it was in U.S., and when I got home and did the calculation, I thought, "I think I'm going to get that G-Shock altimeter watch that I'd been eying since my Timex died".

I don't consider it my money. I'm just the custodian until I can hot potato it back to my parents where it belongs, but I recognize my parents' intention here. It's not my money, but I can use it however I see fit. And somewhere along the line, they've also seen fit to stop pressuring me to do anything.

And I'm reminded about a realization I had a long time ago that money is not one of the issues I have to deal with in this lifetime. It's not my current karma. Maybe I've dealt with it in past lifetimes, maybe I'll have to deal with it in future lifetimes, but it's not an issue in this lifetime.

Which means it doesn't matter if I don't have money; no money, go to plan Q. Or R. It doesn't matter if I have money, I'm not going to get bent out of shape if I do have it. It doesn't change anything. Reality and existence issues are the same either way.

However, I'd be in denial if I didn't recognize the possibility of changes in response to this windfall. And I have made changes. I'm very good at not spending money. My primary expenditures had been rent, food and alcohol. And my food and alcohol expenditures had strict self-imposed limits.

I decided I can get rid of those limits as an exercise in letting go, because even those measures of self-discipline can become attachments, and nothing whatsoever should be attached to. I'm not going to go crazy and start spending like crazy on food and alcohol. That's not who I am, but it's good to let go of any attachment that I was being good by imposing those limitations on myself.

And I'm still going to be very wary of any material acquisition – accumulating stuff – but I'll allow for upgrading and replacing things I already have which will just lead to . . . preventing ennui. Just enough change in my life to keep my mind materially positive and not bogged down.

Still not sure where all this is going.

I have noticed that what I've been posting for the past year plus has been a lot of long-winded, boring, highly-detailed, navel-gazing, rambling minutiae. Nothing clever, funny nor particularly interesting, I shouldn't wonder, which is what someone would want to be in a public forum such as the internet.

But as I've said before, this isn't about readership. This blog is just my expression. There's no theme here; I just post about what sparks the neurons, whether it be movies, music, reads, Buddhism, suicide, spirituality, death, religion, mental health or whatever issue I want to spout on about (and believe me I'm leaving out a lot).

It occurs to me that this long-windedness has a lot to do with the isolation I've found myself in. I'm no hermit. I don't think there's any such thing as a "hermit with internet". But isolated I am. Recluse may be a better description of what I'm doing. A hermit is cut off, and that can't happen with internet. A recluse is withdrawn, and that I am.

If social interaction is a release outlet, then I don't have it, and the constant mind-stream of my thoughts is going on and on without outlet, and then when I decide to type something down, it just all trickles out in highly-detailed, rambling minutiae.

But this isolation also emphasizes the mind-stream of thoughts; that it's there. And that in Buddhist practice, that's an aspect that needs to be tackled with the idea of cutting it off. It relates to our ego-selves.

This mind-stream of thoughts is our ego-selves or, if not, is representative of it. And it's that attachment to our ego-selves that keeps us in cyclic samsaric existence, so theory goes.

I remember in early practice coming up with visualizations to break the mind-stream, or at least be mindful of it. Back then it was simply about stopping the mental chatter. Recognize it, and try to return to some mental quiet. Beyond that, I didn't know. But now, years and years later, there's much more urgency to tackling and cutting off the mind-stream once there's a realization of how it's connected to the ego-self.

I would go so far to say that it's a key step towards enlightenment. It's a breaking, smashing of the notion of subjectively conceived reality. And the hardest part of it is that we have this mental structure that perceives reality, and now it's a matter of using that mental structure to disassemble that same mental structure. Maybe that's why enlightenment is so friggin' hard.

Hm. Korean media is doing it, so why don't I? The first half of 2012 is over and my vote for the top K-pop girl group release for the first six months is going to Sistar's "Alone":


Mind you, until this song, I haven't been a huge fan of Sistar. I've recognized their quality in previous releases, but there was always some element in their songs that prevented me from being completely hooked.

I got hooked to this song from the start, starting from the minor key and the sexy groove once it kicks in, but then the verse sections are quite good and the bridge and choruses are incredible.

Sistar are kinda known for being an overtly sexy group (and they've complained about that image, but then they should tell their choreographers not to make it a requirement for them to bend over like pin-ups in every friggin' video and dance routine they do), but I think in this song, sexiness is in the songwriting. The song is inherently sexy and whatever dressing or choreography is placed on it will be sexy. And they bend over like pin-ups quite a bit.

Runners up I would give to Miss A's January release "Touch" and Wonder Girls' fun June release "Like This" (both written and produced by Park Jin Young (JYP), on whom I have a man-crush because he seems to be some kind of genius to me). "Touch" has a great groove start to finish:



"Like This" is just a fun romp with fun choreography:


As for JYP himself, aside from being the CEO of the agency to which miss A and Wonder Girls belong and a producer and songwriter, he's also an artist and he did release a song in the first half of 2012 and promote it. And I must say that as few male pop artists there are that I'm willing to watch while they wiggle their bums, JYP has the moves and charisma that make me watch in a way that only Michael Jackson has otherwise compelled me. Seriously, he may not be physically attractive, but he has serious charisma:


I'll also give a nod to SNSD's first sub-unit, the 3-member TaeTiSeo's (Taeyeon-Tiffany-Seohyun) release "Twinkle". It's great funk/soul song written by an American composer/Korean lyricist. I think I'm not giving it the credit it deserves because expectations are always high for SNSD, and so when they meet those expectations, it feels par for the course even if it's a great track. The 3 singers, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb saying, are among the four best (along with Jessica) in SNSD.



Finally, I note the debut of rookie group Spica in the first half of 2012 because it's simply the best and most mature debut of a girl group I've seen thus far in terms of quality. As a group, they may have some of the best vocals in the industry, up there in the range of Brown Eyed Girls.

I think the idea behind the group was to have good vocals, and the main vocalist, I gather, is a professional singer who has been recording the guide vocals for producers for years (after hearing her demonstrate some songs by other groups she provided the guides for, I'm convinced the producers kept it in on many of the chorus parts of the final mixes). Also, from what I can tell, they're the only group I've seen handle harmonies live. With other groups, I've rarely been convinced harmonies were being sung live.