I had a flashback of my last year's insomnia. Two days in a row now, I woke up after 5 hours and couldn't get back to sleep. When the insomnia was abating last year, I was thrilled, triumphant to get 5 hours straight of sleep.

But I remember the feeling clearly, it was very specific and I recognized it right away and was horrified. I'm hoping this is nothing, but if it comes back . . . I don't know how I'll react, so I won't project. But I think the insomnia did lead to psychotic episodes, and don't preclude them from happening again.

By psychotic episodes, I don't mean going around stabbing people, but being put in such an altered, even deranged state of mind that my responsibility in my actions is questionable. If the insomnia comes back and if there are any incidents at work, I would quit in less than a heartbeat.

Oh yeah, when talking about the "conditions last year" which made work so difficult, can't forget the insomnia . . . or the hiccups! What if the hiccups come back?

My life has no active positive elements, which is to differentiate from passive positive elements, what people generally refer to as "counting our blessings". I generally think of myself as being in excellent health, despite years and years and continuing years of alcohol abuse.

On one hand, yea, it could be worse. On the other hand my "excellent health" is such a cop-out. Year-to-year I get by without major mishaps, but year-to-year it's one single miserable health issue after another. If it's not insomnia or hiccups, it's allergies or stomach problems, digestion problems, skin problems, wrist problems, knee problems, etc.

Nothing that's going to kill me, which would suit me just fine, just little things that annoy the fuck out of me and wish for something that would just kill me. Little things that push that button, but not big enough to put other people on notice that something is up, that something is seriously wrong. Passive positive elements can go fuck themselves. Count my blessings, my ass.

I'm also going to stop talking about moving to Kaohsiung. It is no longer in my plans, even as an option or possibility. I strongly doubt it's going to happen, even more so than an untimely demise (although by now, anytime would be timely).

It's nothing against them, but there's nothing for them, either. I'm here in Taipei, if I'm making enough money to survive, why should I uproot myself and go to that uncertainty. Well, not uncertainty. If it were uncertainty, that's a reason to go, but it's a structured, safe uncertainty which makes it less attractive and ultimately pointless and would enable my laziness.

As much as I like my laziness, I recognize it as something I should try not to encourage.

10:57 p.m. - Empty lot off Sanmin Rd. near where I live. They've paved paradise, might as well put up a parking lot.

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 11:33 p.m. - Crunch time in the page design room at the China Post. Pages 1 and 2 and 15 and 16 are the last we work on with a midnight deadline we push, but rarely make. By 11:33, the pages in between would already have been sent to press. Anna in the foreground is super-sweet and speaks fair English and is an expert page designer. The guy standing in the back is a veteran no-nonsense local news writer and is overseeing work on the local pages (15 & 16). He's actually taking some slack off my job because his work will make sure the page comes to me in pretty good shape. Much appreciated. My copy editing station is on the other side of the window where we still use DOS computers!

I'm not sure what's different now. Several weeks back at work, and I think I can manage these 2-days-at-a-time, 4-day work weeks.

We still need to hire someone else, though. This job is partly an acquired skill, but some people never quite get it. Last year we had someone who defended misspelling "surprize" in a headline by saying it was the British spelling.

Currently, we have an intern as a reserve, and I've expressed that I don't think he's competent for the job and should only be called in for emergencies. Not careful enough, not fast enough, not detail-oriented enough.

The paper, The China Post, is changing with the new boss, and I'm feeling it's appropriate to demand more professionalism at the copy desk, and letting go people who aren't quite getting it – for me, people who I'm repeatedly cleaning up after, or who I can't rely on to catch any of my mistakes.

It really helps that the new boss speaks English, unlike my old boss, who could only read journalistic English and wasn't conversational (he could patch together a sentence or two for me, and with me patching a sentence or two of Chinese for him, we got along just fine).

It's a big difference, actually. I've also noticed a lot of new faces around the local news desk who apparently speak fluent English; something I attribute to the new boss.

The old hands are still there, and their English is competent, but not fluent, and sometimes we have to get them to do an interpretive dance to figure out their meaning, and then we have to re-write to make an article make sense.

Their saving grace, though, is that they are very intelligent and know how to write news. And I'm joking about the interpretive dance, usually when I bring up a question about something that didn't make sense, out of all the articles they've worked on, they know exactly which one I'm talking about, and can usually clarify it without even looking at what they wrote, i.e., what confused me.

And now that I think of it, the vast majority of the people pulling news from the foreign newswires now are also excellent in English. Only among the layout designers do we have a range of English skills from functionally non-existent (but sweet) to very good to functionally fluent.

When I started working there, none of the designers could be said to speak English. They studied compulsory English in school and paid enough attention to be familiar enough with the alphabet to do the layout design job, but they were a pain for us to work with.

Actually, my respect for my old boss has seriously plunged. He was touted for his dedication, but his management left much to be desired.

So I'm not sure what's different now. If the conditions were the same as they were last year, I wouldn't go back. My lifestyle, one with no active positive element in it, could not maintain those conditions.

Active positive elements means either a social network, or an activity that generates meaningful positive returns. Cycling is fun, but not meaningful. The band sucked ass. My social network consists of people who always say let's do something, but then nothing ever happens.

But the decreased days help. The possible lifestyle-supporting paycheck helps (I'll know for sure next month). Quitting the band helps. The new sitting helps. I think the new sitting really helps. It may have slipped in as the key factor for recent content.

It's making a big difference finally being able to grapple with the wandering thoughts and knowing the difference between a distracted mind and one that's at a still point. I probably had still points before, but that's all they were – a point before the swirl of thoughts swept my mind off again.

Now I'm finding how "big" that still point can be. It's a teeny step, but a big teeny step, and I do take it out into daily life with me. It feels new, but it's no doubt standing on the shoulders of my efforts to date, and it helps clearing out negative thoughts and negative responses.

It is about "being in the moment", which means being focusedly aware of oneself and one's surrounding, without discursive thought(s) running through one's mind. It's funny because "being in the moment" is one of the first things a novice hears in introductions to Zen. But what I was saying, "hey, yeah, right!" to 20 years ago is completely different from what it is now. Or it may be the same, just on a different cultivated level.

Now, at that still point, that "being in the moment", reality is vivid and clear. And this is just a dip in the water. I'm at a point where if I were traveling from New York to Taipei on foot for the past 20 years, I just reached the Pacific Ocean.

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2:43 p.m. - Home altar.

OK, I need to properly geek out in full about this video.



A while back I saw a movie I liked, "Candy Rain", and I liked the soundtrack, too, so I hunted that down. On the soundtrack, the standout song was by a band called Tizzy Bac. I'd noticed their CDs in shops because of their odd name, no Chinese version of it, and unique, artistic album cover art.

Soon after, I saw an ad for a live show on Valentine's Day that they were giving nearby to promote their 3rd and latest CD, so I made note to check them out. I thought they were good and I was intrigued. Not knowing their songs, I didn't get into it, but it was good enough for me to check them out further, so I bought their 2nd CD. I got their 3rd CD soon after and plan to pick up the 1st one. Their album titles are sentences, so there's no quick way to identify them by name. It's part of their artistic sensibility to not be like everyone else.

This video is for a song off the 2nd CD and I've been watching it repeatedly over the past several weeks, sending it to people trying to get them into it to no avail. They're considered an "underground" band here, so no wonder they don't appeal to mainstream tastes. Too bad, because I consider them quality with enough pop-like hook to draw in people if they gave them a chance.

When I saw them live, they were all dressed in black and white, wearing the same clothes as in their promo pic for the new CD (which I later realized was probably part of their subtle brand of quirky humor – the promo pic was movie screen size behind the stage, and I'm sure I'm not the only one in the audience who, during the course of the show, thought, "hey, they're wearing the same clothes!"). The singer was heavily eye-linered so she looked kind of goth, and they all seemed very serious.

But this video shows their humorous, quirky side, having fun, starting from the intro where the mystery man is standing on blocks to make him look taller, but you don't really notice that until he steps off and walks away after giving the folder to the singer. It's silly, subtle, what-the-hell? humor that I like.

The whole restaurant/toilet scene I thought was hilarious, especially the bassist's presentation of what was wrong with the drummer's gut, which could have been done more corny, but thankfully not. The shots in the toilet were painfully well-done and edited.

The chase scene speaks for itself with the bassist running out of the restaurant with his plate, and then the merry-go-round part of the chase with the singer trying to spur on her horse. I guess part of my appreciation is specialized since I recognize probably more than half of the places where they shot – including Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall, Taipei Children's Park, Xinyi Vieshow theater, Dazhi Bridge and Dajia riverside park where the climax of the song is, starting from 5:25 in the video.

After 3 years here, I've finally started running into some good music here, but this is the first band I've found to rave about. I don't know of any band anywhere that sounds like them, with the unique way she uses piano. They're not geared for the pop market with most of their songs exceeding 5 minutes with extended instrumental sections. Still, they have great melodies and emotional content. They're not like candy, where it sounds catchy but then it wears out. The catchiness of their melodies and hooks takes a few listens to sink in, but then they dig in deep.

The Magic Hour (2008, Japan)

This Japanese comedy goes wrong in so many places it's not even funny. Hahaha, "it's not even funny" – geddit?! OK, seriously, though. Hahaha, "seriously, though" – geddit?! Ah, I'm killing myself. Hahaha, "I'm ki-" ok nevermind, no longer funny.

This comedy is about a low-level gangster gone wrong who saves his life by promising his boss to produce an elusive hitman he claims to know, only he doesn't. So he hires an actor to play the elusive hitman, only he uses a ruse to convince the actor to be hired, telling him it's really a film. Hilarity ensues. Or not. Unfortunately not, in this case.

I don't think there ever has been a film that has used so much contrivance and artifice to prop up a weak and shaky plot for so long. And at 137 minutes, WAY too long. A comedy should rarely exceed 90 minutes or it better be pretty damn funny. Credibility or plausibility are not what comedies are about, but this movie doesn't even come close. It panders to itself.

I'm not going to use the word "bad" to describe this film. I didn't view this film and think "bad". In fact, I got through the first DVD viewing alright, although after the first hour of the farce, it lost my interest because of implausibility. But knowing how the film unfolds, the film was absolutely unwatchable for a second time through. I couldn't even run it and ignore it while surfing the web. The holes caused by the implausibility should have melted the film in the canister.

It's competently shot and acted. It looks good and is sincerely presented. The problem is the fundamental source material. I'll note the Godfather references. Ultimately, I give it a rotten 3 out of 10 tomatoes.



La Lingerie (2008, Hong Kong)

I'm not a "Sex in the City" fan, I don't think I watched more than a couple episodes before not being drawn in enough to see what the hype was about. However, I have no doubt this Hong Kong romantic comedy is ripping off the "Sex in the City" style, with its pseudo-thoughtful musings on love and relationships in an urban setting from a female point of view which looks unusually how a male might view the female point of view. Or if it was written by a female, then maybe an astute female's view of how a male might view the female point of view. Ambiguity is key in selling a film like this.

However, ambiguity comes below eye candy, which might have been a better title for this film, and this film is a cinematic candy store.

Since I happened to have rented 2 comedies in a row, in comparison I'll say this one is much better than the above Japanese one. I do think Hong Kong does comedy better than Japan, in general terms. Japanese comedy is kind of uptight, whereas Hong Kong knows how to let loose.

This film isn't really about anything. It's just a "Sex in the City" rip-off. The eye candy is for the male audience, and the pseudo-insight on relationships is for the female audience. Clever. No substance. It's a passable film, it's not terrible, I don't know if it was insulting my intelligence or simply appealing further south. It took the second viewing to get all the characters straight, because in the first viewing, situations and characters were so poorly developed, if at all. In the second viewing, I could see what little development there is does actually get connected, and each character line is a continuous one, more or less.

I give it a fresh 7 out of 10 tomatoes. Not remarkable, but watchable, and I haven't had a date in an awfully long time. With a title like "La Lingerie", my standards are pretty damn low.

Things have changed yet again. The person I couldn't stand to work with – the only person in the world I can spit bile and venom about – got fired. It appears the new boss wasn't about to put up with her bullshit. Apparently he's the only other person who saw her the way I did.

Which is odd, because I'm still undecided on the new boss, too. My initial vibe isn't necessarily a good one, but I might be able to work with him. If he's professional, I can work with him, but I'll know in my gut if he's someone I can't work with. At this point, it can go either way – that's how much I can't get a read on him.

So they asked me back to work more shifts, and fortunately I'm in a position to say that I only want to work 4 days a week. It's only 1 day less than before, but I got burned out doing that job 5 days a week, probably because I was doing band stuff on the other two evenings.

And it's only a day and a half more per week than I've been doing for the past half year, which didn't earn enough to live on (the salary simply buoyed my diminishing savings during that period), but it does add up over a month.

I might be able to just scrape by on 4 days a week, also taking into account that my old boss supposedly gave me a raise in January – that's something I should check with accounting (that's me – I'm told I'm getting a raise, but I don't check up or follow up on it, and it's entirely possible my old boss simply forgot).

It's still sinking in what this all may mean to me. Do I keep at my plan to leave Taipei? Do I stay in Taipei resolving to "just be satisfied". If I leave Taipei, what does that mean?, where to? No one's holding their breath for me to move to Kaohsiung.

I am maintaining my recent revelations in sitting, but also I ran a death meditation a short while ago and it has left me . . . perplexed. That's all I'll say about it for now, I'm still working it out. If death isn't the focus of my life, I'm wondering if I've lost my way, especially if a new direction hasn't made itself apparent, or whether I'm in a transition period where things start coming together.

I'm still thinking of visiting the U.S. in May, and by going, I still ostensibly will be aiming to "wrap things up" there. Wrapping things up is supposed to precede a sincere attempt within months after returning to Taipei. But even by putting it off to go to the U.S. to wrap things up is just a delay tactic meaning nothing's gonna happen. Why not today? Why not right now? If it's not right now, then really it's not even an intention.

addendum: There is a lot being left out of this blog. But to qualify specifically what happened with that co-worker:

I'm perpetually thinking of quitting my job, and that was the case last autumn. I don't want to say the newspaper's rehiring her was the sole reason for my decision to quit back then, although I was reeled back in to work weekends by my boss.

She was the trigger, though. She made it easy to go in one day and tell my boss I was quitting, and he subsequently asked me to stay on and promised that I would only work days when she wasn't. I don't know why I didn't react to that insult, probably because I'm neurotic and have trouble letting go of things. And money is always an issue.

The insult: although me and my boss seemed to have a pretty good relationship, he was rehiring someone he knew he had problems with, and when it was clear I wouldn't work with her, he was rehiring her to replace me. After rehiring her, he often expressed regret at rehiring her because of the trouble she continued to bring to him, but he still didn't contemplate firing her, and I still kept the insult to me on the inside.

In my opinion, she was unprofessional, combative and irresponsible. She was capable of copy editing, but she let a lot of mistakes make it to print, more than I did, and my impression was that she didn't give a rat's ass about mistakes. She didn't give a rat's ass about the newspaper.

Perhaps one of the main reasons my old boss rehired her was to write a "community" page on weekends, focused on the foreign community. But her page, and I emphasize "her", she had full editorial license, was unremarkable, unprofessional and, to me, insulting in ways I won't mention. I never read it in depth, and I refused to edit her work (which I realize is unprofessional on my part, but I stand by it, and no one expected me to edit her work). My boss, not versed in English, couldn't tell the difference. The community page was supposed to counter one that a competitor newspaper had developed, and he was just happy that we had it.

So I worked on weekends as copy editor, and she spent weekends working on the community page. This meant that we didn't have to work together directly editing copy, but it so happened that we were in the office together on weekends, and I had to tolerate her presence.

Over the past six months, I did my best to tolerate her, ignore her, but I still examined my reaction to her and started treating her as a meditation, transforming my negative reaction into positive thoughts towards her. There were even times where we exchanged respectful words between us. Nothing was going to fix this relationship, though.

On her last day, this past Wednesday before she was fired, I was at a museum when I received a phone call from an acquaintance of the band who I didn't recognize, but apparently he was with her. But from what he said, he verified that I did know him from the bar/band.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 2:08 p.m. - National Museum of History

2:57 p.m. - Taipei Botanical Gardens adjacent to the National Museum of History. The Shin Kong Mitsukoshi landmark building near Taipei Main Station visible.

3:15 p.m.

3:40 p.m.

They were outside of Taipei, ostensibly conducting some interview for a story for her page, and couldn't make it back in time for her to do her copy editing shift. So he was calling me on her behalf to see if I could take the shift. I can only assume they went way out of their way to get my phone number from the band leader.

I agreed to take the shift, but then the shit hit the fan that night. In fact, this incident may have been the last straw for the new boss. When I walked in for her shift and he heard me say that she herself didn't call me to do the shift, but that someone else called, he expressed exasperation at that – as if she was that irresponsible – confirming his decision to fire her.

And right after she was fired Wednesday night, in saying her farewells, she was saying "he (his name) is firing me", as opposed to "I'm being fired" or "I got fired". She wasn't taking any responsibility that this was based on her work or her attitude, she was focusing blame just on this one person as if it were unreasonable and arbitrary, which I have no doubt is what she believes. In her being fired, he's the subject, not her.

But I'll repeat, it seems that me and the new boss were the only people to take issue with her. I don't know what was in anyone else's hearts, but I won't second-guess them and am willing say no one else had a problem with her. But I also won't say that people at the office don't have a problem with me and just don't bring it up.

Still, although I don't mind her being gone, I wish it could have happened on different terms. Someone being fired shouldn't be taken lightly, and it's not the ideal way to go. It may or may not have been an empty gesture, or otherwise emptily received, but I'm glad that as she was going out the door, I did express to her to take good care of herself. I don't wish ill upon her and never have. I just reacted to something I have no idea about, and never got to resolve.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8 - Liberty Plaza main gate. Rainbow V.

National Museum of History from the Botanical Gardens. Reverse of earlier shot. Rainbow V.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 4:59-5:02 p.m. - Experimental digital black & white, Keelung River. IXUS 860 IS.

APRIL 10 - Keelung riverside bikeway. Rainbow V.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11 - Grand Hotel Taipei. Rainbow V.

Red Cliff, Part II (2009, China)

Overall, a much better film than Part 1, although this movie had the distinct advantage of standing on the shoulders of the first one, which, if I recall correctly, I described as a "self-indulgent, overblown mess".

With Red Cliff, legendary Hong Kong action film director John Woo appears to be shooting for his magnum opus. In Asia, the film has been released as 2 films at almost 5 hours total in length. Outside of Asia, the movie will be cut down into a single film of over 2 hours in length, and most likely to be close to 3 hours, I shouldn't wonder.

So I gave the first film a rotten rating of 5 out of 10 tomatoes, not because it was terrible, but it had parts of it that were pretty god awful. Mostly attempts at delving into characters, which is not a John Woo forte. However, with the help of the good bits of the first film and having worked through who was who which made it flow much more evenly, Part 2 gets a fresh rating. The annoying character development scenes are still there, but much more contained and not hard-boiled.

Another thing I realized from this film is that despite calling John Woo a legendary action film director, which I think is now more fact than opinion, I think I can state that I am not a John Woo fan. He has the subtlety of a sledgehammer, and he doesn't do narrative or suspense very well, and therefore his storytelling is generally heavy-handed, one-dimensional and uni-directional.

What he does well is grandeur and in-your-face, and he puts together a very good action film. This is a good John Woo film. And in the ranks of Chinese period battle films, very distinct from the kung-fu brand of martial arts film, I'd say Red Cliff, part 2 ranks pretty high. I've seen some pretty weak ones. This film does have some very good moments.

I still think the abridged international version will be killer, as long as he cuts out those horrible character insight scenes and sticks to an action film pace. I'm going to give this a fresh 7 out of 10 tomatoes rating, taking into account that I realize I'm not a John Woo fan, and in anticipation of a much better international version that I'll likely give a higher rating.



Linda Linda Linda (2005, Japan)

I'm giving this movie a qualified perfect 10 out of 10 tomato rating. It's totally subjective, I loved this film for many biased subjective reasons, although objectively I would probably give the film no less than an 8.

The movie is about a Japanese high school all-girl punk band that finds itself in crisis at the beginning of the film: personnel problems right before a high school festival performance. The movie is about how they strive to accomplish the performance, and I'm not saying whether they do or not, given this crisis.

My biases include an appreciation for Japanese film and the characteristic of characters not openly expressing themselves, but just sort of "vibing" what they feel on-screen. Sometimes really annoying, sometimes successful in conveying the complexity of human emotions.

Another bias is from the Korean exchange student as the lead singer, because I totally relate to her experience as a foreigner struggling with a language. Also that she's Korean, as my appreciation for Korean culture has grown recently, despite being overshadowed and degraded by Chinese and Japanese culture. In this movie: "I'm . . . Korean", "An exchange student? . . . cool".

Lastly, I'm a musician. And punk rock is well-portrayed in this film. It's not about technical proficiency, it's about "just going for it": "You wanna join our band?", "OK", "Can you sing?", " . . . Sure". The Ramones couldn't be prouder of dialogue as that.

To dispel some confusion of the band problems at the beginning: the bassist and drummer, Nozomi and Kyoko, are the steady, reliable fixtures in the band. At the beginning of the film, Moe, the guitarist is injured after jamming her finger playing basketball. So she's out. Original member Rinko, singer, immediately tried recruiting a guy friend on guitar without telling the others, but that was not cool with keyboardist, Kei. Rinko and Kei have a history of tension.

So at the beginning of the film, Moe is out, Rinko is . . . probably out. Kei, one of the band's founders stubbornly decides that they will perform, but realizes they need a new singer to replace Rinko who she's seriously mad at. And that she herself will have to fill in for Moe on guitar, even though it's not her primary instrument.

Action!

Angsty nights of indifference in a life in limbo. Something's gotta change, but change is not what my life is about. I don't think. I don't know. One month to fill, still working at the paper, but come May, I'm gone for at least a month, and it's up in the air whether I'll go back. Band had its last gig, and I told them that was it for me.

I bought a new phone after 3 years of my basic US$60 Motorola. It needed charging every other day or less, and finally it dropped out of my pocket and the display went a little janky. It still worked, but that was enough for me to get a cute, new Sony Ericcson Walkman model onto which I immediately added 2GB of Korean and Japanese music that I recently downloaded.

I think I might travel more in Taiwan this month. Head out for a destination on a weekday night, spend a night, explore and shoot during the day, and return that night unless I'm interested enough to stay another night, or to continue on to a next destination. I want to find the meaning of travel. I want to find the sites that form memories of travel, and why you left me, or why I left you.

Maybe stop drinking for a while? I spend almost US$150 on alcohol a month, maybe that could go to travel funds. $150? That's it? Alcohol is relatively cheap here. A bottle of Bacardi is a little more than US$10. It wouldn't surprise me if I drank 14 bottles a month. Sounds about right.

On the other hand, I went to work today not worrying whether I stank of alcohol (because I was pretty sure I didn't), and I let 2 huge mistakes get past me. Even on the final check print out – what was already sent to the printer – I missed them, and fortunately the other person caught them and we fixed them before press. Usually I'm minding his mistakes. I make less mistakes when I'm a bit drunk. A sign of alcoholism, btw.

I didn't drink before work because I've been doing extra long sitting sessions after waking up. I have an audio of Robert Thurman's "Jewel Tree of Tibet", a six session lecture series that I haven't listened to in a while. Before, I spread them out into 12 sessions of 45 minutes of lecture, splitting each in half, but I wanted to try taking in each lecture as a whole, hence 90 minutes after waking up.

Robert Thurman is a professor of Tibetan studies at Columbia University. He's close to the Dalai Lama and spent 5 years in monastic training in the Tibetan tradition, fully ordained for almost 2 of those years. Father of Uma Thurman.

I fade. I don't want meaning in anyone else's lives. I don't have meaning in anyone else's lives, aside from nominal, basic humanitarian compassionate meaning. That nominal meaning they give my life doesn't overcome my impulse not to be here.

I will leave this particular form of my existence. I need to get resolved. Not that anyone else is stopping me, on the contrary it seems they're just waiting, but they need to fade, too. Their existence is just as illusory as mine, all fadeable, and I love them as I love myself, all the while fading.