My cousin is currently in country. I don't have a lot to say about this. She's one of the last few people with whom I'm in contact. I had been looking forward to her coming up to Taipei for a few days, or even longer as she suggested was possible.

But after initial catching up, we ended up boring each other to death. She came up with her kids and of course they are her priority. I have no problem with them. I've known each of them since they were little mites and adore them in my own way*. But they have no recollection of me and naturally no interest and I admit I have no rapport with children.

In trying to converse with my cousin, there were times I'd start saying something with a point to make, but she would interrupt and hijack it and after that I felt there was no more need to try to make my point. She had her own point; no need to hear mine or for me to impose mine. She's preoccupied with her own situation and struggles with her estranged husband.

Nothing unpleasant, nothing negative, just blah; no connection. No effort or desire to meet up every chance possible.

So yea, I hope I can throw that connection away, which is certainly no revelation. If possible, I hope to cut karmic connections with anyone I've known or met (karmically) in this lifetime, and that has always included her (even if that's even possible or if I can be successful, it likely does nothing with karmic connections with people I haven't met in this lifetime, but still are connected to).

She did help me get my TV remote control issues fixed. Not in the way I hoped, but in the end it had to be done the way it was. But she didn't even try to respect how I wanted to go about it, which says something. Hopefully the past two months without a remote have sufficiently changed my habits so that I don't waste so much time channel surfing.

I don't know if she'll contact me again or whether we'll get together again before she leaves the country, but if she does I'll milk it to see if she can help me get my computer fan replaced. Temperatures in Taiwan are rising going into summer and as my laptop tries to cool itself down, it exacerbates the broken fan issue.

So I no longer consider my cousin a contact, someone with whom I can communicate. Madoka, no. Family, no. I don't expect to hear from my brothers ever again. Maybe my parents might try to call and I might take the call, but that would probably be an accident. If I suspect it's them, I won't take it.

The only person left is the casual acquaintance of my previous Mandarin teacher here in Taipei. We get in contact every several months and meet for coffee or go for a hike. It's just for several superficial hours that I can manage. That's my last human contact in this life.

I've taken cursory looks at my remaining bank account and calculate that I might have enough to make it to sometime next year. Do I want to even if I can? I'm really kind of tired of this all. I'm pretty much done. It's not depression. I don't have a reason (which is the only good reason to abandon a lifetime). But I have nothing left to offer to this life, and this life has nothing left to offer to me.

Eyesight is noticeably declining. I don't know for sure if it's glaucoma, but from computer screen to readings to general environment, it has become a consideration, i.e., not something to take for granted.

* The oldest, Pie (12), has overcome a karmic weight of childhood rage and lashing out, but under my cousin's care and upbringing has become stable and responsible. Gracie (10), my favorite, has always been a delightful, playful pixie and when I hear her speak now reminds me that years ago when she was beginning to talk she had the cutest squeaky voice. Eddie (8), has always resembled the Korean cartoon character Mashimaro and still does. He's a little buddha and I wouldn't be surprised if he turns out to be an incarnation of some past great Tibetan master.

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Since I nominally "cut back on drinking" over a month ago, things have been pretty smooth. Maybe alcohol is, in fact, the root of all my petty grievances. Again, just by the numbers, I haven't cut back that much. Two to four drinks less per day, but still averaging around 12 over the course of the whole day. All I know is that I haven't been feeling like death daily, good enough for me.

I don't know if it's related, but I've since been getting to the gym ahead of my membership expiring in June, and getting out on bike weather permitting. I think I even rode over 200 miles total, a monthly benchmark, in April. Performance is still way down, but so are expectations. Don't have to worry about failure when just doing something is the goal.

Sleeping during the past month was fine until yesterday and today when back-end insomnia returned. I'd stopped keeping track of my sleep before then so I can't say if there was any correlation between drinking and insomnia after cutting back. 

I suspected not. Even when I noticed sleeping well after cutting back on drinking, I still expected insomnia to not be affected and to randomly return, and it has. 

During the month of sleeping well, I haven't noticed any dreams, but with insomnia the dream level is so shallow that memory is more possible. Family still making appearances despite my recent realizations that I have nothing to do with them anymore and no reason to ever visit them again. 

I'm not saying I won't, but if they want me to visit, their overtures have to be pretty convincing. As it seems, nobody gives a rat's ass if I ever visit again, and I'm fine with that. 

I also had another Amina dream. Very unusual at this juncture since that is such a far gone part of my life. In the dream, she was deeply in love with and committed to me, but there were forces (she's Muslim) conspiring to keep us apart that we were willing to go against.

In a nutshell, I used to consider her the love of my life, but all of that and any concept related to romantic love has been negated for me. When you negate the concept of romantic love, no individual stands a chance. As an ex, she now rarely comes to mind and never as anything special, but rather even as a lapse.

I suppose there's some subconscious suggestion involved in her still appearing in my dreams, perhaps that it's nice to feel loved. In this life, being involved with her did have a deep experiential impression upon my feeling being loved. Subconscious notwithstanding, in the waking world now it's not anywhere on my radar of what I could possibly want or pursue.

The insomnia did interrupt my morning sitting. Morning sitting has become conceptually the most important thing to do every day. Sometimes I'd wake up and feel like cancelling, but within a few minutes realizing that is not an option. The physical and psychic toll of insomnia beat that.

I wish there were a way to describe the journey of regular sitting over years and years . . . decades, even if it's just 45-50 minutes every morning. But I can't because the experience changes so much. The only thing to do is to do it, understanding that a daily regimen of meditation is a personal journey. The experience varies, but if regular meditation becomes a bug of one's experience, the journey and what one discovers on it is pretty priceless.

I wonder what it would be like if I had found a teacher in this lifetime. I've eschewed teachers and gone at it on my own. The idea of having a teacher never resonated, maybe because of karma. Some teachings describe the teacher as indispensable, and I accept that. Just not for me in this lifetime; that's just instinct.

I do probably need a teacher, but I'm still figuring out teachings I've received in the past, either in this or previous lives, on my own. When I discover the need for a teacher in a future lifetime, I'll go back to seeking one out. When it becomes pressing, I'll do it.