My cousin called me the other night and we talked for an hour and a half. We hadn't connected since she last called sometime earlier in the year, maybe March when she was living in Arizona.

My landlord is her uncle, and a few weeks ago he needed to come into my room for some work to be done and I asked him about Audrey. He surprised me with news that she had moved to Switzerland.

I was duly surprised. Maybe part of me was a little disappointed that she made such a major life decision to move from Sedona to Switzerland and never once was I on her mind to tell me about it. But to be truly disappointed, I would have to presume that I had some importance to her, and being important to anyone is antithetical to my being, so it was easy to just let it go.

Apparently I would have known about the move if we were connected on Facebook, but in the interim of our connections, I had unfriended both her and my old friend Madoka. I unfriended them as a reaction to people with whom I wanted more substantial communications. If they wanted to communicate with me, then communicate with me.

As far as I'm concerned, Facebook is for superficial contact with people with whom I would otherwise not be in contact. It's not for people from whom I expect more personal, direct communications. I realize no one thinks like this.

Facebook is a primary contact for many people. It doesn't matter if posts, likes and replies become a matter of committee between total strangers. It doesn't matter that a post wasn't meant personally for you and any number of replies are also not meant for you or by people who know absolutely nothing about you, and any reply you make goes to everyone who weren't intended as recipients.

It took about six months for Madoka to realize we were no longer friends and she sent me a message and I duly re-friended her. She didn't get it, but I felt re-friending was the only course of action to make my initial unfriending her not be passive-aggressive. It wasn't. It was hoping for something, and it didn't happen.

I still don't read her FB posts and our communications continue to be superficial and not at all a dialogue. Positive, but not dialogue. Theoretically, we continue to profess being important to each other; practically it's lip service. Well, no, we mean it, but the manifestation in our interaction doesn't live up to it. It's like going to church on Sundays and that being all for spiritual commitment.

Audrey never realized we were no longer friends on Facebook. After her uncle told me she moved to Switzerland, I sent a one-sentence e-mail to her telling her that I learned from her uncle about the move and wished her the best.

She sent a short (but longer than mine) email back saying it's all on Facebook. She still didn't realize we were no longer friends on FB, and I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't and decided to just let it go. Whatever.

Then she called the other night, a couple weeks after I didn't respond, and we talked for an hour and a half.

What's the take away? Well, we don't matter to each other in an attached sense. We're not keeping tabs on each other, concerned for what's happening in each other's daily lives. It's Buddhistic non-attachment perhaps. It doesn't mean we don't care. We care, we just don't matter.

For her, things matter. Her kids, her father, whoever or whatever else matter. I don't, which is great. I don't want to matter.

And nothing matters much to me. That's also great, I don't want things to matter. I don't have kids, I don't have family who matter. I don't keep tabs on them, they don't keep tabs on me. Whatever happens to them and whatever happens to me is just news to each other. There's no involvement. There's nothing we could do if either side knew any more than we do about each other.

I don't know what issues they're dealing with and there's no indication they want my input on anything. That would be mattering.

And they don't know I'm an alcoholic and ignore how big of a problem insomnia is, but regardless, I don't want their input on those things. That would be mattering.

If you want to matter, you have to stick your nose in someone else's business. If you want other people to matter, you have let them stick their nose into your business. Caring is fine, but caring without action isn't mattering.

Me, my cousin, my family, we all care for each other. We just don't matter. There's no judgment in this, it's just fact.

I finished reading two books by Bart Ehrman that I bought in New Jersey last time I was there, Lost Christianities and How Jesus Became God.

He's not the only author I've read regarding the history of early Christianity, but I seem to have an affinity for his scholarship. To me, his appeal on the topic is similar to that of Carl Sagan to astronomy; an effective communicator of the basics.

I don't get the sense that he's necessarily trying to be controversial. Certainly he has an agenda but a lot of it is trying to push the boundaries of how people think about Christianity. And scholarship is just scholarship. Sure, there's good scholarship and bad scholarship, and with a controversial topic as Christianity in fact is, a lot comes down to opinion.

There may be a progression to Bart Ehrman's books. These two books I bought may be more his branching out beyond the basics. The basics are in his earlier books like "Misquoting Jesus" and "Jesus Interrupted" among others.

I might even suggest that his books seem to reflect the progression of his own personal discovery that his initial beliefs as a young, totally converted, Bible-thumping evangelical Christian were wrought with contradictions and inconsistencies. For God's telling of the ultimate truths of the universe, that shouldn't be so. It should be a neat little package that was incontrovertible, and the only people who could possibly disagree were certainly accursed heathen. 

As his studies into Christianity continued with an intent to enter the ministry, he was introduced to the scholarly historical reality of Christianity beyond dogma and blind faith. He did what most Christians don't do. He thought for himself and found the package wasn't so neat.

His early books are straight-forward. You can follow what he's saying because you can verify with your own Bibles (yes, even without a Christian bone in my body, I have two of my own copies of the Bible in New Jersey) what he considers problems. From there you can accept or reject his thesis, but it's pretty solid scholarship and logic as far as I'm concerned.

"Lost Christianities" and "How Jesus Became God" are more his branching out beyond the basics. They probe into areas that are necessarily more speculative. The former investigates the extant evidence of what "other" Christians believed before the Roman takeover of the religion. The power of the Roman Empire makes it easily credible that other understandings of Christianity would be effectively and efficiently suppressed and disposed of.

The latter looks at the development of early Christology and how it may have been influenced by existing or contemporary myths of the interplay between humans and gods. The idea of Jesus becoming God or being God wasn't wholly unique based on the wholly unique circumstances of the stories being told about him. They were formed within a context to explain what they didn't understand.

One point that Ehrman likes to pick at is how ultimately the Romans, in creating an orthodoxy, synthesized various contradictory ideas without explaining them. A big one is the assertion that Jesus was both fully human and fully divine; separate views originally held by different groups of Christians.

My personal snark on that contradiction boils down to whether Jesus shat and peed like the rest of us. Since he was fully human, of course he shat and peed. That's what humans do. And would Jesus's pee qualify as holy water? But the Romans also insisted Jesus was fully divine. So that must mean God shits and pees, too. Wonder what it smells like. I imagine floral bouquets, but that doesn't make sense. It must just smell like shit.

I don't know why I'm at all fascinated by the truth of Christianity; that it is largely based on myth and has only a little to do with the actual teachings of Jesus. Maybe I've always felt threatened by U.S. Christian hegemony which I didn't buy into, and it feels good to debunk it and knock it off its ideological throne.

Part of me wonders whether it's a past-life resonance where maybe I was Christian. Maybe it harkens all the way back to the few centuries after Jesus when the debates about his message were passionate and diverse.

So by my estimation I've been more or less useless and/or worthless to anyone in any meaningful manner for at least a good five years. Anyone who theoretically may make a claim against that, my response is that I haven't tried to be of use or worth to anyone. It wasn't my effort that made that so. I haven't made any effort for anyone else.

But even with suicide as my intended end, I'm still here now wasting space, creating waste, still contributing nominally to the economy by consuming. So selfish as I've established I am, what's in it for me?

The one unadulterated enjoyment I maintain is listening to music. With everything else falling away, I still listen to music almost obsessively. And it's so appropriate that my one last admitted attachment is to something so necessarily ephemeral. Whether it's a 3-minute pop song, a 10-minute prog rock or jazz song, a 30-minute album side, or 15-minute classical movement, the song ends, the enjoyment passes.

As such, it's easy. If you take it away, I have no problem giving it up. But if it isn't taken away, I indulge in it in all its harmless glory. Listening to and enjoying music never hurt anyone. It's still karma, I'm aware, and if I don't cut off the attachment aspect of it, it's something I'll still have to deal with in future lives in any one or many of innumerable possible ways.

Aside from that, I suppose I've just been reading to add to my selected understanding of the human experience on this planet through its history.

I may have reached the limits of Buddhist readings available in English through libraries and bookstores. I've bought available books that I've deemed important and I constantly re-read those. I maintain my personal mindfulness/dharma practice. Despite being of no worth to anyone else, that has been of worth to myself.

Early Christianity has been of interest, how it was formed and how it came to be what it is today. Looking at the history of early Christianity, it's surprising how it became what it is today, and not. Reading academic and scholarly studies of early Christianity, it's clear that modern Christianity is based on artificial mythologies; nothing or little based on teachings of an itinerant, apocalyptic Jewish preacher and probable miracle worker named Jesus.

But if it's all myth, how could it have become hardwired, literal fact of the truths of the universe for so many people? No one takes Greek or Roman or other cultural myths as literal. Of course it's far more complicated than anyone can sum up, but the brilliant stroke of having the Roman Fucking Empire take up the cause is probably of no little consequence.

I'm under the impression that Europe as a whole doesn't take Christianity as fanatically literal as the U.S. does. Many are very sincere about their faith, but there are also many who assume the supposed truths of Christianity because it's woven into the fabric of their culture. They don't question it because it's not important to do so. If they delved into the scholarship, they would probably be able to look at it critically, admit ignorance and agree with much of it.

I don't suppose scholarship will affect faith for at least another 500 years. It may be more than a 1,000 years before the scholarship is common knowledge and human beings can process it for what it is. I don't think the scholarship showing that Christianity has little to do with Jesus is any threat to Christianity.

Just because it's based on myth doesn't mean it's worthless. It has become its own institution and as much harm as it has caused, it has done a lot of good on the profoundest levels. It's just admitting that it's based on myth will be a hard pill to swallow for many, many generations.

Other histories I've read up on include Auschwitz, the arrival of the so-called Pilgrims, religious extremists possibly, on the Mayflower, the U.S. treatment of Lakota Native Americans and how their land was stolen, and the assassination of Julius Caesar.

The Auschwitz book focused specifically on that camp in the context of the Holocaust and embodies all the horrors one might expect. Poorly edited, though. The Mayflower book seemed pretty comprehensive and balanced. It doesn't seem to play politics and realizes that self-interest is the driving force in dire circumstances.

As for the Lakota and the Black Hills, it's impossible to stay away from the impassioned politics of the issues. As an American I sympathize with Native Americans, but certain white people will defend their actions to the end. My main beef about the book is that although it seems to sympathize with the Native American cause, it constantly refers to white people as "Americans" as opposed to the Indians, who aren't American?

I don't know why I got interested in the Julius Caesar book as soon as I saw it. Probably because it is such a famous historical event, and as much as the Roman Empire played in the development of Christianity, I was looking for insight into it.

I don't remember exactly when I stopped carrying my ID with me even though I know it's illegal to not have it with me. If I were to die outside my apartment there would be no identifying me. I presume I'd get sent to a morgue and there would be no one to contact. There's no one who would notice me missing so I'd just be an unclaimed body. I guess maybe after a while the morgue would have to dispose of my body after taking pictures and fingerprints, maybe an autopsy, but then I'd have to be cremated and stored.

The first person to notice me missing would be my landlord and he wouldn't get suspicious for, I estimate, two or three months of missed rent payments. He is my cousin's uncle and I've never been a problem paying rent. He'd give some leeway, but then he'd notice something wrong. He might call my cousin, not concerned about the rent necessarily, but to alert her of the unusual circumstance and to ask if she knew if I was alright. She wouldn't and then she would call her father, who would then call my mother. 

I don't know what would happen then. In time it would become clear no one knows where I am and no one can get in touch with me. I don't know how far down the line it would occur to someone to "check the morgues" or if that even happens in Taiwan. My body would long be gone, but if they keep records, and I don't know that they do, maybe the mystery would come to light.

I'm still contemplating what I think of my computer. If my disappearance is a mystery, my computer is the first thing that will be looked at and it's probably not that difficult to find this blog.

However, it is statistically unlikely that I'll die outside of my apartment. I only spend about four hours a day out, and whenever I start feeling bad my impulse is to get back home. So unless I get hit by a bus while on my bike or if I have a medical decline too fast to get back home, then it'll be here where the first indication of my demise will be the stench that my neighbors will have to deal with.

I do have two actual time bombs ticking, aside from my amorphous attestations towards suicide (no current concrete intention) or hope that my liver is on its last legs (most eggs in that basket).

Right before I left for the U.S., I got a preliminary diagnosis that I probably have glaucoma and I was referred to a specialist. I was given the option to start a course of eye drops by the doctor who couldn't definitively say I had glaucoma. With good intentions I opted to take the drops, but since then I still haven't gotten out to see the specialist for a more specific diagnosis and I've fallen off the regimen of taking the drops regularly; three different drops three times a day!

So loss of vision is possible if I keep on living. With no one pushing me to go see the specialist, I'm not sure when I'll motivate myself to go. Next month? Next year? Ever? Not to put too fine a point on the possibility of going blind, a likely possibility if I don't get this thing treated, is that my vision has been noticeably getting worse. It's probably a naturally occurring development called presbyopia, meaning "old eyes" (I learned that from Northern Exposure). Even though I'm still fine riding my clunker bike at night just to get around, it's been a while since I stopped going on road rides in the wee hours like I used to because I just don't trust my vision in low light anymore. And I always have to look over the rim of my glasses to read smaller print. Just reading, sometimes I just take my glasses off.

And of course my bank account is running down now. I haven't calculated how much time I have left according to how much money I have left, but it can't be much more than a couple years. Appropriately enough, capital(ism) is a much more relentless time bomb than the vagaries of biology.

It does remind me that my quickly dropping bank account is what precipitated my leaving San Francisco after a failed attempt. My current situation is quite different. I figure it's much more motivating now to succeed in an attempt should I run out of money. I created an escape back then, running back to New Jersey, trying out the monastery, and finally coming to Taiwan. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm curious to how I'll react this time.

My life has been a complete non-starter since getting back from the U.S. in mid-September. Injury and illness were the excuses for about a month. Almost a month later, I . . . I was going to say that I've been able to get back to the gym, but what useless shite crap that is.

Truth is I don't really care. And that's great. I don't want to care, and that's great. It's liberating. It makes me breathe, relax and feel alright with myself. My life has always had suicide at its core, so my ideals, values and goals are not the usual ones people have. When my life starts to really plow into the muck and the mire, that's a good thing. My ideal age to die was 34 and I've blown waaaay past that. Even Ritu managed to die at 34. Albeit her reasons, if she in fact committed suicide, wouldn't be reasons that I would consider valid for me. Not judging her. Her reasons were good enough for her.

I wonder how long I've been living such a useless, worthless life. How far back can I go to determine when if I died, I would have had no impact by my own estimation? I'm glad about my time and efforts at Deer Park. I left there in spring 2005, so if I committed suicide then, what have I done afterwards that might have been missed?

My oldest brother got married that summer. Through the years, maybe I gave him and his wife a certain amount of support and encouragement, maybe? It's dubious, but possible, and giving benefit of doubt, I'll allow a few years of value to my continuing living. That said, my non-abstract value to them has long since ended. They have four children now ranging from 9 to 3 so their daily concerns have long superseded any theoretical support I've offered. To put a value on it, I think I can safely say my value to them has been zero since 2009 or 2010. And I think that's being generous. As for my other brother, I think our recent interaction is an indication of negation of any value I've had to him and his family. If I had committed suicide in 2005, I don't think there would have been any loss to him or his family. It would have just been an experience to go through.

What value has any of my time in Taiwan, since February 2006, had? Not extended family, that's all gone, including my cousin Audrey. Friends don't matter. No one feels the loss of someone they never meet, so even if I did add value to anyone, that's still arbitrary. I refute anyone suggesting I was at all significant to them. Anyone thinking I was significant to them is just ridiculous. Seriously, if I thought I was significant to someone, I'd know.

I stopped working in January 2010 and some may argue that if you're working, you're contributing to society. I don't think my time at the China Post was worthless. If no one else, the editor-in-chief Paul Chen seemed to appreciate me. I'd say that's significant enough.

So for five years, I've only been living selfishly for myself. Insignificant to anyone else. And my lack of interaction with other people is proof of said insignificance. I realize all this is a flawed assessment, and maybe says more what I feel towards other people than they towards me. But it's probably not that far off.

Twenty-four hours later, I'm doing much better; still a little wobbly. It ended up being a 60-hour bout of hiccups and when that ended a lot of pressure was alleviated, both on my gut and in my mind. I still couldn't get to sleep at all, not a wink. Watched the Blue Jays avoid elimination in the ALCS and then the Mets sweep the Cubs in the NLCS.

Me, I'm thrilled that the Mets are going to the World Series, but I sympathized for all those sad puppy dog faces on Chicago fans. I don't hate the Cubs and their fans seem like a civil lot. Both teams' fans are familiar with disappointment, but better them than us. When the Cubs do make it to the World Series, I'll be rooting for them.

I'm starting to tentatively eat bits and scraps despite having no appetite and my gut is tentatively accepting them. I mean, whatever non-appetite I have, my body needs nutrients or it begins to starve. And whatever my intentions or hopes are, even if I wanted to die by hunger strike, I expect my body to protest and get hungry. Feed me, Seymour! OK, I'm game! Stop feeling like crap when I eat, and I'll give you food!

And despite the sleepless night, I was able to fade out a little better in the afternoon and that's a good sign for sleep getting normal. Even if just for short periods of time, fading out means the brain can turn off.

Different from yesterday when nothing turned off. Then in the evening, everything shut down very suddenly. Any more dramatic would have been passing out. It was a controlled passing out. I was only out for about 15-20 minutes and when I woke up I was so disoriented that I didn't know when or where I was for a fraction of a second. And that was enough to keep my brain on for over another 12 hours :p

Brutal couple of days. Low-grade physical issues since I came back from New Jersey have come in succession and psychological issues have probably exacerbated them and led to continued dysfunction. Dysfunction in my life is par for the course, so I really can't be bothered by that.

The past couple of days have been insomnia compounded by persistent hiccups. Why I have these screwball ailments, I don't know. When they come together, I can't help but remind myself of my proverbial end of the line, punctuated by suspicions of imminent liver failure.

For the past few years, I've been rolling with the punches with insomnia; same with persistent hiccups. I've established before that persistent hiccups I consider being sick. They stopped being just hiccups for long periods of time while going about my business, and they started being debilitating; unable to go about my business, unable to concentrate, unable to function.

Prolonged hiccups eventually inevitably start to hurt, and can cause nausea and queasiness, but this was the first time they led to vomiting. Not that I had anything to vomit since my appetite is pretty much gone. All I vomited up was liquid, mostly water and tea, still cold.

I'm currently approaching 60 hours of hiccups. I was hoping they'd abate after around 48 hours, and they did go away for a few hours, but during that time I regularly felt an uncomfortable pressure and tightening in my chest, which is something new, and maybe that should have clued me they weren't over yet.

At the first sign of insomnia tonight, I'm gonna take a pill. I haven't taken a sleeping pill in years.

mix CD: 2014

The ups and downs of 2014.

2013 set the precedent of a double disc mix of all K-pop girl groups and . . . shamelessly not even trying to fit anything else in for 2014.

2014 certainly had its downs. The Sewol ferry tragedy in April had the Korean entertainment industry go dark for about three weeks, and K-pop fans around the world sympathized and felt the national mourning for all those young lives lost.

Then there was the car crash I blogged about at the time that killed two members of Ladies' Code in September. When compiling the second disc, it became a no-brainer that Ladies' Code's last song would open it. Turns out it's a perfect opening song.

A 2014 up was Mamamoo's debut. They actually had a pre-debut release called Peppermint Chocolate. There were a bunch of times I'd have the TV on in the background and this video would come on, and it always got my attention.

I'd be wondering who they were and why I didn't recognize them since they couldn't be rookies. Everything about them indicated they were seasoned performers. The song was funky and cool and the execution was sophisticated and confident with poise and swagger. A long version of the video had an array of cameos by people no rookie group could get (that was another pre-debut video that I saw and confused it with this track).

But rookies they were and the press started referring to them as super-rookies, whatever that means. I think they did really well at the end-of-year awards in the rookie of the year category. As did Ladies' Code the year before.

AoA is another up. Not rookies, but I started noticing them in 2013 and in 2014 they owned the sexy concept. I think Sistar is the girl group most associated with the sexy concept, and no slight to them, but AoA owned even them, with great songs to back them up.

The 2013 mix also set the precedent of three tracks by one act (Girl's Day). In 2014, both Mamamoo and AoA had at least three worthy tracks, but ultimately Mamamoo won out with a track that wasn't promoted, over an AoA track that was. I'm not sure what the logic is, but as great as AoA was in 2014, maybe I throw my hat in for Mamamoo for being more than just an agency trained girl group. Something about them was, and continues to be, actual talent, creativity and . . . soul.

That all made the second disc difficult to compile, but adding to that were three established girl groups (Kara, Secret and T-ara) releasing songs they promoted that were pretty good but didn't bowl me over, but with b-side tracks that did catch my attention and were included. Maybe the promoted tracks were getting a bit cliched. They were the kind of tracks that they'd typically promote; upbeat tracks that were easy to choreograph. Not bad at all, but other tracks I thought were better songs.

I did like ending up the whole collection with a song called "1999". Prince's "1999" ended my 1982 mix. That was 18 years before the millennium and was kind of a pre-apocalyptic, Cold War party song. Koyote's "1999" is 15 years after and is more of a nostalgia party song, recalling the fashions and music and how cold the winter was and wanting to go back. Turns out it's a perfect closing song.

2014, part one
1. Mr. Ambiguous (Mamamoo)
2. You Don't Know Women (Hyosung (Secret)) (audio only)
3. Miniskirt (AOA)
4. Monday Blues (Sunny Hill)
5. Marionette (Stellar)
6. B.B.B. (Big Baby Baby) (Dal Shabet)
7. Uh-ee! (Crayon Pop)
8. Pretty Lingerie (G.NA)
9. Ice Baby (Tiny-G)
10. My Copycat (Orange Caramel (After School))
11. Darling (Girl's Day)
12. Marionette (Jiyeon (T-ara)) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. Hello Baby (NC.A)
14. Beautiful (Park Bo Ram)
15. Goodbye My Love (feat. Tiger JK, Bizzy) (Kim Wan Sun) (unofficial upload) (music video)
16. Cha Cha (Rainbow Blaxx)
17. I Swear (SISTAR)
18. What Cha' Doin' Today (4minute)
19. So Wonderful (Ladies' Code)
20. Full Moon (Sunmi (Wonder Girls))
21. Yasisi (NS Yoon-G)
22. Inner Space (Park Ji Yoon)
23. Goodbye (SNSD)

2014, part two:
1. Kiss Kiss (Ladies' Code)
2. Pretty Age 25 (Jieun (Secret))
3. What About You? (ver. 2) (Laboum)
4. Red (Hyuna (4minute))
5. Boy Jump (feat. Hwasa (Mamamoo)) (Baechigi) (audio only)
6. Up & Down (EXID)
7. Short Hair (AOA)
8. Baton Touch (Mamamoo) (unofficial upload) (official audio)
9. Here I Am (Sunny Hill)
10. Beep (Park Ji Yoon)
11. You Don't Love Me (Spica)
12. Guilty (Stellar) (official audio)
13. I Don't Want You (T-ara)
14. Don't Fall Asleep (Pascol) (official audio)
15. Crazy You (NC.A)
16. Whisky (Hello Venus) (lyric video) (audio only)
17. Singing Got Better (Ailee)
18. I Would Do Well (Secret)
19. If I See Her (T-ara) (lyric video) (audio only)
20. The Story (Kara) (lyric video) (official audio)
21. Half the World Are Men (Sunny Days)
22. Piano Man (Mamamoo) (live version)
23. Catallena (Orange Caramel (After School))
24. 1999 (Koyote)

2013 mix CDs

mix CD: 2013

The previous 2012 mix set the precedent for double-disc collections. Which was timely since the explosive regional and global popularity of K-pop led to an explosion of releases by old and new groups. With this collection, there was no realistic way of cutting it down to a single disc.

And with the acceptability of double-disc collections comes, for the first time, the inclusion of three tracks by a single group: Girl's Day. Two of the tracks were Number One worthy, but it was the momentum they gathered in 2013 that led them to a number one song in early 2014, which I don't think was such a great track (not included on 2014 mix), but that's what they were leading to and I think deservedly so.

The only strange thing in compiling this set was that I didn't complete it until well into summer of 2014. I just couldn't get it right, but in the summer of 2014, I came upon the track by Pascol on the second disc. I forget how I came upon it, but that was the track that led to everything coming together. I don't know who Pascol is, I don't know what they look like, they don't promote on music shows and there's just not that much information out there on them. But the song had an emotional melody and some cool rapping and I wanted to include it.

I cleared out all the YouTube links before because they were too often taken down and became dead links, but in recent years the corporate entities themselves have been uploading videos and performances which are more likely to be reliable, so I'll link videos that likely won't be taken down.

2013, part one:
1. I Got a Boy (SNSD)
2. 24/7 (2Yoon (4minute))
3. Female President (Girl's Day)
4. Miss You (Tiny-G)
5. No. 9 (T-ara)
6. Gun (Nine Muses)
7. Tell Me Tell Me (Rainbow)
8. Attention (Trouble Maker)
9. Hot & Cold (Jewelry)
10. Recipe (Brown Eyed Girls)
11. Dripping (Clover)
12. Say It To My Face (D-Unit)
13. Modern Times (IU)
14. I Won't Ask (Lee Hyori) (audio only)
15. Fox-like Friends (No More) (f(x)) (lyric video) (official audio)
16. Moya (AOA) (lyric video) (official audio)
17. Tonight (Spica)
18. YooHoo (Secret)
19. Damaged Lady (Kara)
20. Crying (Sistar)
21. You Don't Know Love (K.Will)
22. First Love (After School)
23. What's Your Name? (4minute)

2013, part two:
1. Please Tell Me (Girl's Day)
2. Love Options (BESTie)
3. Study (Stellar)
4. Pretty Pretty (Ladies' Code)
5. V (Lee Jung Hyun)
6. Open the Door (Im Chang Jung)
7. Boogie Man (Hong Jin Young)
8. Give It To Me (Sistar)
9. Fantastic (Secret) (lyric video) (audio only)
10. Yours Mine (AOA) (lyric video) (official audio)
11. Kill Bill (Brown Eyed Girls)
12. Oh My God (NC.A)
13. Be Ambitious (Dal Shabet)
14. Missing You (2NE1)
15. Last Scene (Nine Muses) (lyric video) (official audio)
16. Let's Eat Together Sometime (Pascol)
17. Is It Poppin'? (4minute)
18. Darling of All Hearts (Sunny Hill)
19. Red Shoes (IU)
20. Expect Me (Girl's Day)
21. Mr. Lee (Park Ji Yoon)
22. Bad Girls (Lee Hyori)
23. Tonight (Hyolyn (Sistar)) (lyric video) (official audio)

2012 mix CDs

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mix CD: 2012

Truth to tell, this 2012 mix CD didn't have to be a double disc. I have a single disc version whereby I trimmed all the fat possible, getting it down to a single disc by brutally eliminating songs that I otherwise thought were worthy, just for the purpose of fitting the remaining songs on one CD.

The problem was that I didn't think it made for a better collection. Like there are double albums that people think would be better if they had been trimmed down to a single album. At this point I can't bring myself to think that about this collection.

Maybe 2012 is still too close in time and I'm still attached to a lot of tracks that I won't be in years' time. Maybe over time, I will not only think the single disc is better, but I'll be able to include western releases, meaning swapping out even more of these K-pop songs. But maybe there won't be "over time" either.

As it is, the entire collection is book-ended by two Japanese songs that couldn't be integrated into the otherwise all-K-pop set. Aside from those two, the only other non-Korean language song is by a K-pop group singing in Japanese. And that song ends disc 1.

2012 (part 1):
1. Much Ado About Nothing Tonight (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
2. Bing Bing (Crayon Pop)
3. Lipstick (Orange Caramel (After School))
4. To Be or Not To Be (aka Have or Have Not) (Dal Shabet)
5. Don't Forget Me (Girl's Day)
6. Every Night (EXID)
7. Dirty (Miryo (Brown Eyed Girls))
8. Alone (Sistar)
9. Cherry Blossom Endings (Busker Busker)
10. Talk That (Secret)
11. Blue (Big Bang)
12. The Evening Sky (Ailee)
13. Lost (Kara - Nicole solo)
14. Pork Soup (Clover) (unofficial upload) (audio only)
15. Russian Roulette (Spica)
16. Touch (miss A)
17. In Praise of the Grasshopper (Sunny Hill)
18. Twinkle (TaeTiSeo (SNSD))
19. Like This (Wonder Girls) (dance practice video)
20. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Lee Hi)
21. Lovey-Dovey (T-ara)
22. Paparazzi (SNSD) Japan

2012 (part 2):
1. I Love You (2NE1)
2. Cosmetic (Lizzy (After School) & Andup) (audio only)
3. Mermaid Princess (Mystic White: Bora (Sistar), Lizzy (After School), Gayoon (4minute), Sunhwa (Secret), Jiyoung (Kara))
4. Wonderful (Casker) (audio only)
5. I'll Be There (Spica)
6. I Am Hot (NS Yoon-G) (lyric video) (audio only)
7. Get Out (AoA)
8. This Guy (Dazzling Red: Hyuna (4minute), Nicole (Kara), Hyolin (Sistar), Hyosung (Secret), Nana (After School))
9. Hard to be Humble (LeeSsang)
10. Electric Shock (f(x))
11. Look At Me (Jewelry)
12. Bloom (Ga In (Brown Eyed Girls))
13. Ice Cream (Hyuna (4minute))
14. Loving U (Sistar)
15. illa illa (Juniel)
16. Goodbye to Romance (Sunny Hill)
17. Don't Let the Love End (Wrong) (Epik High)
18. I Know How to Play a Little (e.via)
19. Ticket (Nine Muses)
20. Probably So (Don't Look Back) (Park Ji Yoon)
21. I Don't Need a Man (miss A)
22. Aozora (Salyu) Japan

2011, 2010 mix CDs

mix CD: 2010, 2011

Way back when, I did this little ongoing vanity project of making mix CDs of every year I've been alive. The last mix CD I posted was 2009, believing there wouldn't be a 2010 since I wouldn't be around to make 2010. Obviously nothing prevented me from making 2010. Then 2011. Etc., etc. to 2014.

I've continued to make them and work on them, but I stopped posting them because they were getting to be quite a mess with constant updates of songs especially from the most recent decade as I would find new songs that had to be on that year's mix CD.

Aside from updating, even some older ones, I was trying to link songs to YouTube videos and that became a mess, too, with videos constantly being taken down and becoming dead links.

Anyway, as time passes, there is less updating as final forms of CDs become more satisfactory. Even if new songs come along, it's harder for them to be so compelling as to switch out a song already there.

Also I've cleared out all the YouTube links. They were such a bother. Instead I've put all the collections on a cloud so if there's the remotest chance that someone might want to hear the best music in my life, it's all there without the vagaries of . . . YouTube. (problem solved as videos have since been officially uploaded by the companies and not likely to be randomly taken down. -ed.)

2010 was the last year I even tried to include western music. My exposure to western music has so diminished and my tastes had become so different to accommodate anything new coming out of the west, it was inevitable.

2011 is the first all Asia mix CD. It's not that there haven't been western releases that are worthy. They just don't fit anymore, square peg in the round hole. But Asian music squeezing western music out of my scene is just the start. The Korean contagion continues.

2011:
1. Love is MOVE (Secret) Korea
2. I Won't Meet You (Kan Mi Yeon) Korea
3. Pinocchio (Danger) (f(x)) Korea
4. I Am the Best (2NE1) Korea
5. 心のスポーツ (Kokoro no Sports) (Perfume) Japan
6. Bubble Pop! (Hyuna (4minute)) Korea
7. Mr. Taxi (SNSD 少女時代) Japan
8. 忘記丟掉 (Tizzy Bac) Taiwan
9. Midnight Circus (Sunny Hill) Korea
10. Back It Up (Jewelry) Korea
11. Supa Dupa Diva (Dal Shabet) Korea
12. Good-Bye Baby (miss A) Korea
13. Les Adultes Terribles (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
14. Heart to Heart (4minute) Korea (unofficial upload)
15. Black & White (G.NA) Korea
16. Roly-Poly (T-ara) Korea
17. Be My Baby (Wonder Girls) Korea
18. You and I (IU) Korea
19. Ma Boy (Sistar19) Korea
20. Rachel (Chara) Japan
21. Sixth Sense (Brown Eyed Girls) Korea
22. Everyday (Gavy NJ) Korea (unofficial upload)

2010:
1. Breathe (miss A) Korea
2. Hoot (SNSD) Korea
3. Umbrella (Kara) Korea (unofficial upload)
4. Under the Luminaries (Shannon Wright) (audio only)
5. As Much As Ten Thousand (Casker) Korea
6. Good Day (IU) Korea
7. 電波通信 Radio Communications (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
8. Invincible Hero (Versus) (audio only)
9. Eeny Meeny Miny Mo (Lee Jung Hyun) Korea (audio only)
10. Magic (Secret) Korea
11. Strangers (Crooked Fingers)
12. Goodbye Happiness (Utada Hikaru) Japan
13. A-ing (Orange Caramel (After School)) Korea
14. NU ABO (f(x)) Korea
15. Why Are You Being Like This? (T-ara) Korea
16. Can't Nobody (2NE1) Korea
17. イナヅマ (Inazuma) (Salyu) Japan
18. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) (Arcade Fire)
19. 夜空のムコウ (Beyond the Night Sky) (Nokko) Japan
20. Radio Star (Narsha (Brown Eyed Girls)) Korea (lyric video) (audio only)

2009

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The last time I returned to Taiwan from the States I caught a bug. Same this time. Pattern? It started in New Jersey. Temperatures plunged my last night there and I developed a cough. After getting back to Taiwan, it developed into a sore throat and then morphed into other symptoms of unwellness and feeling weak that have persisted. I've been slowly getting better, but no physical activity. 

Not helping in that department is my right Achilles giving me lots of trouble. I was jogging in New Jersey almost every day, but instead of getting stronger by going slower, it got weaker. I couldn't go jogging for my last week there, and then literally while I was leaving for the airport I felt a major pull. I was limping so badly at the airport that at immigration I was directed to the handicap lane (thank you to the airport worker for that, btw). Then not two weeks later, without having fully recovered, while getting on a bus it pulled again in an equally major way.

So feeling injured physically and sick medically, mortality has been front and center a little more so than usual. I mean mortality is a regular part of meditation, but it feels a little more real when things aren't going so well.

On top of that, I've been wondering for a while why I have such a huge gut when I really don't eat that much and exercise fairly regularly (except when I don't). I've always attributed it to alcohol consumption, but haven't pinpointed anything until I finally found something online called cirrhotic ascites. Cirrhosis is, of course, the liver disease most associated with alcoholism. Ascites is fluid accumulation in the abdomen associated with cirrhosis and can cause "abdominal fullness, early satiety" and "abdominal pain". That last one's a little vague but if it covers digestive issues, I have those.

This is web surfing, not a medical diagnosis. I can't know for sure if this is anything without going in for a check-up, which I won't. Still, it's a little bit of affirmation for all these years of heavy drinking. There are people who drink like I do and live to ripe old ages. I just hope I'm not one of them.

Needless to say, mortality isn't a big deal for me. Leaving this body is something I'm gladly willing to do. If I recognize that I'm dying, I expect my thoughts to be of good-bye blessings to the world. Not "good riddance", since under my own beliefs and theories I don't know if I can escape the cycle of death and rebirth and may easily be here again, hopefully with a more productive bent.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Just a few days left before I fly back to Taiwan. I'm not sure how I feel about anything. Just a general recognition of a certain inevitability about my life. I've been here for just about a month and I don't have any assessment regarding my time here.

Just to remind myself, I sabotaged my life. Life isn't something I want to do, even as I continue living on beyond my expiration date.

I've been appreciating the hot weather. Although my room at my parents' house gets too hot in the afternoon. It's the hottest room in this house in the summer (coldest in winter). Summer evenings and nights in New Jersey sometimes cool down quite pleasantly, as I noted when I got here.

I've also been appreciating the sunsets. I don't know if anyone else knows about the sunsets from this room with its southwestern exposure and height. As far as I know, I'm the only person who has inhabited this room long enough to realize the spectacular sunsets that, I think, no other room in this house gets.

So to sum up this trip? I haven't done much of anything. I haven't gone into New York once. I've been of no help to my brother and sister-in-law with their four kids. Her mother has been in the hospital with heart problems so she's been preoccupied, and I've still been of no assistance.

It's no excuse, but those kids are way beyond my control. I haven't been able to step up and open my heart to them and be more giving, matching my energy to theirs. I've seen relatives on her side of the family do it. They know how to be with them. The kids are still wild and completely unfiltered, but they engage, whereas I withdraw.

That's actually a fair delineation between their family and ours. They engage, we withdraw. I go the further step and withdraw from the withdrawers. Mind you, withdrawing is lame. I don't advise it.

I've started going on jogs after coming back from the cruise. This is the first time hitting the road since I joined the gym last May. Since then it's been all treadmill. I hit the gym several times on the cruise and I didn't want to go idle until returning to Taiwan.

Mind you, road work is a lot harder than using a treadmill, especially as you get older. You really feel the weight of hauling your carcass around. And mind you, it's not running I'm doing, it's jogging. I've accepted that I have to slow down as much as it takes to not inflame my Achilles again.

And slow down I have! When I was younger, I told myself if I ever was doing 10 minute miles, I'd just quit. That's just not worth it. Now, I figured I'd need to slow down to 10 minute miles. Nope, sloooweeer. So I've been plodding about doing sub-10 minute miles and still my Achilles couldn't take it. I'm on a third day of rest and it still hurts to put weight on it.

My parents are retired and they only have one car, and those facts have shaped much about my being here. It means they're home all the time and I only have use of a car after I've checked that they don't need it.

It means that I can only make noise by way of drumming, bassing or guitaring when they take leave of the house, which is no longer on a regular basis. It's not a big deal since I no longer consider making noise a part of my identity.

Still, whenever they went out, I sat myself at the drums and was surprised to find that I don't think I've lost any of what little chops I had. In fact it felt downright comfortable. I figure that if I were to get together with other people to play, I'd be able to hold my own. Although not necessarily for long, as stamina I'm sure is down with age.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I spent the last week on a cruise with the whole family, including parents, both brothers and their families. Thirteen people total; 7 adults, 6 children. I only agreed to this when I was having pangs of gratitude towards the parents for their involuntary contribution towards my following the path.

Between then and actually coming on this trip, the situation changed whereby I likely would not have agreed to come on this trip. But on the other hand, it still worked well for me as I mentioned Taipei was getting toxic and stifling. I'm enjoying being away.

And the change in situation may work for me as well, as whatever life I was living likely couldn't be sustained much longer. Things can't go wrong when things "going wrong" is the plan. Things looking like they're going wrong for me is actually things going right from my perspective and how I've set up my life.

Anyway, I came on this trip with the conviction that I wouldn't have a bad attitude towards anything consciously if I could help it. A lot of letting go involved. And not.

The cruise was to Bermuda, and it was enjoyable enough, but there's not much to say about it. It was pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. The days at sea were pleasant, there was non-stop food and maximum stuffitude, and with 4,000 people on board it was surprisingly easy to ignore the crowds.

I guess I can't emphasize enough how totally not invested in this trip I was. I was just tagging along. I had no part of the planning. Just show up and do as directed; take initiative and help out if opportunity arose. I made no special preparation for the trip – not even proper cruise footwear or sunblock – nor looked into what there was to do in Bermuda. Nothing about this trip was about me. I didn't do anything I might have done if it were my own trip.

I was predictably the odd one out, the free agent. My parents are their own unit and they did their own thing. We met for meals. My brothers' families were each their own unit and they made decisions according to their own priorities (the kids). I was free to tag along or go my own way.

For them it was creating memories. No doubt for the kids the memories will be significant as any childhood memories are. I suppose it's the same with my brothers and their spouses, but as adult family memories. Parents are spending their retirement the only way they can think of.

For me, after getting back home, the whole trip seemed unreal. It happened, but didn't leave any impression and may as well not have happened. Back to what I'd be doing anyway and not a single meaningful recollection or memory.

August 21, 9:54 a.m. - docked in Bermuda

10:26 a.m. - out for a walk on my own the morning before departure

3:04 p.m. - on our way, heading back to New York

August 22, 9:57 a.m.

4:25 p.m.

4:27 p.m.

The only thing worth mentioning on a personal basis is that I had another insomnia meltdown at one dinner, and my brother, sitting next to me, intentionally ignored it. He wouldn't even manage a "You OK?". Two words.

If it were a stranger, he would have assisted. When you notice someone under distress, you see if they need help, especially if you're a doctor. It's a no-brainer. And he couldn't have not noticed. As much as I was trying not to draw attention to myself and keeping it contained and zombie-ing my way through dinner, it doesn't take an empath to notice the person next to you at dinner having trouble.

Even if he didn't look over and notice what a hard time I was having physically, the silence was deafening as no conversation was directed at me and I wasn't making any effort to engage anyone or even make small talk. Plus I had to excuse myself from the table several times to keep from melting down, and not once did he acknowledge when I returned. Easiest thing in the world just to ask, "You alright?"

That level of disengagement, ostracizing even, in that situation meant he was putting an effort into ignoring whatever was going on with me. In a word, he didn't care. I didn't expect free medical advice. If he asked, I would've told him I know what it is, it has happened before and I can deal with it.

If he didn't press beyond that, that would've been totally acceptable. He doesn't need to know about insomnia. And if I tell him I can deal with it, he's off the hook to let me deal with it. But he didn't know what was wrong and he ignored it.

After that I disengaged from him and his family. It wasn't like I was "punishing" him. I just didn't want to look at him and I had no expectation that he would even notice. On the cruise with his family, if nothing happened and I acted the same way towards him, he wouldn't have noticed anything.

If he did notice something, then he would be acknowledging that I was reacting to him at dinner and that he did do something wrong.

But apparently he did notice and two days later while we were all at a beach, he had gone off to get food with his wife and when he returned he interrupted my music listening to offer me a burger. I declined and he emphasized that he got it for me.

The sibling read was clear and in a second it was over. It was clear what he was doing and so I thanked him for it and asked for the ketchup and relish. Any other reaction would have been petty and would have meant that I was trying to "punish" him, which is just silly.

After that, things went back to normal. More or less, that is. He did what our parents always did after conflict situations: they pretended it never happened and acted like everything was normal. There was never any acknowledgement or accountability regarding the conflict.

That behavior from the parents has always been infuriating and never forgotten. With my brother, I know where he got it from and so I won't react the same way. But suffice it to say I'll decline any invitations to visit him in Philly. Not that I'm expecting any.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I couldn't wait to get out of Taipei. I don't know if Taipei has gotten toxic for me, but I was anxious and stressed and just didn't feel well, and things hadn't been that much better in the weeks leading up to leaving this past Tuesday. It's possible that alcoholism is coming to a head. I could feel my body reacting differently to alcohol. Maybe more intolerant, maybe something else.

True to script, it started pouring rain right when I was planning to leave for the airport, but actually everything turned out fine. I caught a cab quick when someone was dropped off right where I was waiting for one, and then I was just able catch the airport bus. Smooth, but not necessary as I had plenty of time.

The flight was hellish getting a feeling several times that I "wasn't going to make it". Not sure what that meant. Pressure in my gut typical of gut problems that have become regular in Taiwan. Then it would ease off and I'd think I'd be fine if it stayed that way.

Overall the whole travel had its hitches but I finally got to where I needed to, albeit an hour and a half late. But an hour and a half late on travels that felt too long from the start.

The gut issues continued for maybe the next day and a half and then completely abated. The weather here is just God's country compared to the blast furnace heat of Taiwan. I was so sick of looking at daytime temps in Taiwan reading: temperature 93 degrees; feels like 103. Here it's: temperature 83.6; feels like 84. The first night I was lying in bed with the windows open, listening to the crickets, a light breeze caressing me, I felt like I was in the countryside.

I didn't sleep at all on the 14 hour flight. The times when I was so exhausted that I lapsed into sleep lasted only seconds and would increase my body temperature uncomfortably to the point that I would avoid even the respite those lapses kinda held.

Sleep continued to elude me for several days. Just quick lapses for very short periods before I'd wake up, and they quickly started becoming accompanied by vivid and stressful if not violent dreams that were increasingly full of foreboding and dread. I started being jarred awake or wrest myself out of them.

Periods of sleep increased slowly and the dreams started taking on apocalyptic qualities; serious end of the world, but as a cosmic math equation! Mind you other than these concepts, I remember absolutely zero details. The lack of recall was almost immediate upon waking. There may have been a fraction of a second of recall, but then even that dissolved even if I tried to hold onto them.

I'm still having some issue with body temperatures. As sleep times increased to over an hour, I'd be waking in cold sweats or I'd pull a blanket on and boil or throw them off and start freezing. Early on I'd wake up shaking (not shivering) for a while, but I think that had more to do with the near complete sleep deprivation at the time.

After realizing how much worse I was feeling before and after alcohol while I was still in Taipei, I have been cutting back while here. I toyed with the idea of going cold turkey, but that's not really realistic. The plan is to dole out shots and not drink freely. I don't expect that to hold all the time, though.

I've written about this before. Several years ago my parents liquidated certain assets here and placed a bunch of money in my bank account. When the transaction was mentioned to me, I discerned it was "none of my business" – their money is their money, nothing to do with me – and paid no attention until a surprisingly large amount of money appeared in my bank account.

One day I went to withdraw money and glanced at the remaining balance, immediately saw something wrong and my first thought was that money had disappeared.

Containing a minor panic thinking that I might have been hacked, I walked away from the ATM and then looked at the balance again and realized I was looking at the wrong part of the balance.

The left side of the balance showed a single digit in front of a comma where there should have been more. What I didn't see right away was the right side of the balance and all the extra digits there. Money had, in fact, appeared. A lot of money.

Before that infusion, what I had left in my account would have long since run out. I would have long had to have made some decision about my life when my account ran out. The amount that was placed in my account, given my modest lifestyle, would have lasted me long after my parents' lives would be over.

But they put it in my personal account, which I interpreted as being mine to use. I don't know why they put it my account, they have their own account. I suspect it was because they could put it there and avoid . . . notice. By people who would have noticed if they put it in their own account and demanded a cut. Legally.

God damn it, if you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about the government.

I gather my aunt was in charge of the actual transaction. I don't know how she had access to my account information, but it's possible, and I trust and love her. I've also heard through the years that my parents wanted my aunt to spirit the money back, but my aunt refused and told them to ask me for it directly.

I've speculated that it goes against some code by my parents to take money from me. The only tenable redeeming aspect of any claim to passable parenting is that money flows from them to us, and not the other way around. Once the money was in my account, it looked liked mine, I treated it like it was mine and I've been able to live for years because of it.

It took them a while, but they finally straight out asked for it to buy some useless piece of property in Kaohsiung for purely sentimental reasons which they tried to entreat me to understand (I couldn't care less), and, of course, as far as I'm concerned it's their money. I authorized my aunt to do what she refused to do before.

I don't know how long what's left in my account will last. Not much more than a couple years, if even that much.

The relevance of all this?  Well, they've given me several years where I didn't have to make an ultimate decision on entering a monastery or dying. So I'll give them credit for that, although recently, this year, even that has become a mixed blessing.

I must admit that despite continuing mindfulness practice and quasi-urban-hermit-existence I've been becoming restless. I started having doubts about how long I could maintain doing nothing and being useless.

So this might all be perfect for me in the larger scheme of things regarding my path. The cash windfall was allowing me to be lazy and complacent, when really I need to challenge my attachment to life.

It also squares with the nature of our total relationship and what I hope can ultimately be a complete break in karma between us. Whatever karma brought us together is over. There is no mutual impression between us that will bring us together, contentious or amicable.

I don't know what brought us together in this life. I've entertained the idea that it was a complete accident, but it may have been something contentious. Whatever it was, it must have been some feeling, and any feeling is now gone. We tried, failed, you go your way, I'll go mine.

(Speculation on karma is pretty useless as it can go on and on with endless possibilities. There may be any level of karmic connection between me and my parents from none (accidental) to a lot (teacher-student), but the controlling karma might have nothing to do with them and actually be between me and my cousin or brothers.)

Ironically, I'm going to visit New Jersey for a month starting this coming Tuesday. The visit includes going on a cruise for a week with the whole brood; all siblings, in-laws and grandkids. The only reason why I agreed to this was in response and appreciation to the credit they should get for supporting my efforts, irregardless of their intention.

I think that still stands. They do get the credit for the few years they gave me where I just focused on practice. But the withdrawal of long-term support brings things back to reality.

Embracing and understanding death is supposed to be my mission and should be the most important thing to me. And their habit of wheeling and dealing with money is their karmic reality. I do what I do, and that's what they do.

When I say I'm not interested in relationships or intimacy anymore, it's more that I'm no longer interested in that sort of human attachment anymore; the banal desire, the wanting, the pursuit.

But when I say I reject relationships and intimacy, it would be mistaken to infer any undercurrent of prudish or moral rejection of human sexuality. There's a spiritual aspect of human sexuality that I think is worth exploring.

It's hard to discuss because it's such a fine line and slippery slope between the crass, carnal lasciviousness of the sex act and exploration of the divine nature of male-female union. There's a distinction between strictly animal sex – carnal drive, lust; which evolutionarily speaking likely has something to do with reproduction and propagation of the species – and the exploration of human energies, the most potent possibly being sexual energy.

To paraphrase Aerosmith's Steven Tyler in his memoir, he suggests you can have two people having sex and if they concentrate their minds and energy enough, they can hypothetically cure someone's cancer. It's an unscientific statement of potential, but I don't disagree with the basic principle.

And what Tyler is talking about likely involves a certain amount of "training" by both parties as well. This training being most thoroughly investigated in the human realm through Tantra, of which I'm no expert so I'll leave it at that.

The only thing I want to say is that sex is important to spirituality. It isn't to be shunned by spiritual seekers, but investigated.

Not to entirely remove pleasure from my observation, is there anything in the world aside from sex whereby when one person does something to please oneself, it brings pleasure to the other, or when doing something to please another brings pleasure to oneself? And this act, by design, is what creates human life. I dunno, but there seems to be something possibly inherently spiritual in that equation.

Of course, humans can have sex selfishly concentrating only on their own pleasure, but therein may be what distinguishes animal sex and the potential of understanding the spiritual aspects of human sexuality. Animals fuck. They go into heat, lust and satisfy their urges. Some humans do that, too, but other humans do more.

Sexual union is perhaps the analog of the bliss of enlightenment to which Buddhists and Hindus refer. As separate individuals, we feel this separation is normal and that sexual union is something special and different and wonderful. But maybe that's because we've gotten used to the separation as normal.

But really the bliss of union is what's normal – being complete, fulfilled, without desire – and our state of individual separation is a state that is lacking.

And I'm heterosexual, so the male-female union is what makes the most sense to me, but that doesn't preclude homosexuality in this equation. It doesn't matter that it removes the connection with the procreation of human life (it should be recreation, but that's kind of another word totally. Or not). It's the energy created that matters.

And personally, the Buddhist framework of reincarnation reasonably accounts for and accepts homosexuality just fine. The only thing that continues from lifetime to lifetime is karmic matter, and part of that karmic matter for many includes what we call sexual preferences; what gender we're attracted to.

Genes determine sex, not what gender we're attracted to. In the reincarnation process, I think karma does have something to do with what we become in the next life, which is based on familiarity and habit (species tend to be reborn as the same species as a matter of familiarity until some other karma changes it), and so there may be strong inclinations for previous men to be reborn men and women, women, but with genetics, there's an uncertainty involved. Karmically imprinted males and can be born females and vice versa and to whom they're attracted to is karmically the same.

Karmic intolerance, hatred and judgment of people who are different and other is a whole different matter.

A couple days ago I was in the public library and I saw a woman who I found stunningly attractive. She was three tables away from me and I kept on looking up to astonish myself at her beauty. Perfect hair, round face, perfect skin.

Mind you, I'm done with relationships. I'm done with "being attracted to" people. I'm done with intimacy. These things, as a matter of practice, do not cross my mind. I have no problem in seeing someone of the opposite sex and objectively observing, even appreciating, their aesthetic qualities, but such an assessment in no way ever gives rise to desire.

But seeing this woman in the library, it was different. I was bewitched. I imagined that given the proper sets of circumstances, I could find myself drawn into entering a relationship with her. If we had a common language, if we were in a social setting to get to know each other, if we had commonality to be interested in each other . . . I just might be tempted.

Or not, in reality. I resisted Hyun Ae and there's no reason to believe I couldn't resist any other temptation. The calculus involving considering where this would all lead to, and the conclusion being, from a practice point of view, no where I'd want.

But I couldn't stop looking at this woman. I was having trouble establishing an upper limit of her age. She could have been young enough to still be in her 20s, but I finally decided that it was possible for her to be as old as 37. Within my range.

But as time went by at the library, something changed. I don't know if it was a trick of the light, but as I kept looking up to catch glances at her, she changed. She didn't change before my eyes, just between furtive glances.

She wasn't beautiful at all. She was no where in her 30s, but late 40s at best, even 50s. Her hair was dry and middle aged, and her face wasn't round but oval. At first I wondered if the original woman had left and this was someone completely different, but no, her clothes were the same as well as the pen she was using.

After that, I continued to steal furtive glances to acknowledge a complete misperception.

I'm not reading anything totally strange in this incident. My pragmatic, scientific side sees it as psychological misperception. Mind fooling me. It wasn't something magical or mystical whereby the appearance of something changes before my eyes (or between furtive glances).

Still, there's a side of me that doesn't totally side with science. Science does science very well; science is great with science, but I also don't believe science explains or can explain all various phenomena in the human experience.

Subjectively, I remember seeing a woman who was ravishingly attractive at one point, and then ordinarily old a little later on. I'll accept an objective conclusion of delusional perception. I would never testify my experience as evidence of anything. Still, I recall what I saw, and I have to acknowledge to myself that strange shit happens even just to teach us something and that makes it no less real.

I managed to consciously push myself into a conscious dream state 2 or 3 times this morning. I've been trying since my last post, and it isn't easy. I'm still not sure what conditions are amenable to succeeding.

It reminds me of Star Trek-like scenarios where they're dealing with fabric of space challenges like trying to keep wormholes stable or negotiating different dimensional realities. But it's "psychic" space in this case. Difficult to induce, difficult to maintain.

As difficult as it is to induce these dream states, I'm not surprised that when I first managed it this morning, I was lying in a bed since that was what I was actually doing. When the dream coalesced, the color of the room was a cold light blue and bare. I could look down towards the foot of the bed and see the entrance of the bedroom and see that it led into a hall of a colonial-type architecture house. And that's all it was for a few seconds, just a framework dream image.

Then in what could have been a horror film image, a ghostly image floated into the room and came towards me lying in bed. When it reached me, it turned around and turns out it was a woman. She resembled a past girlfriend, Shiho, but her personality was too flighty to be her.

It was apparent we were intimate. I remember telling her that this was a dream and I was conscious of it, but she didn't respond to that. I don't remember how it ended, but it probably fell apart as I couldn't maintain it in my consciousness.

I'm remembering the second and third dreams as one dream, even though I remember a total of three instances of pushing myself into these dream states. There are both differences in the former and latter parts of the dream, but also a continuity, so I'm not really sure. No surprise, we're talking about dreams.

It was set in a corner apartment on the second or third floor of a building with an outside view, afternoon-ish, orange-y light, and also a mysterious woman with whom I had an ambiguous relationship. It seemed like our interactions indicated some level of intimacy and at one point I coyly asked her what her name was, which she coyly avoided answering.

That's interesting because I was consciously asking what her name was to try to get more information about the dream, but her avoidance is also a reflection of my subconscious. What about my subconscious, I don't know. Maybe it just didn't know who she was. That . . . makes sense.

In another part of the dream, I saw a post-it that included my name on it. I forget if there was any qualifier regarding it, like indicating an appointment, but I remember the awareness in the context of the dream that the people in the dream knew who I was. Or not.

Also as an indicator of my level of consciousness, at some point, one of the people in the dream suggested going to a certain place, naming it by name. It could've been a bar, an eatery or a record store. So I asked, "You mean so-and-so place in . . ." trying to prompt them to give an indication of where the dream was taking place. They didn't take the bait.

A difference between these forced consciousness dreams and ordinary sleep dreams is that I can remember them more clearly afterwards, whereas sleep dreams start fading within minutes and can completely disappear in hours. Still, as I try to recall them now, it's apparent I should still rely on recording them orally because they do fade.

As I mentioned, I still don't know what conditions are amenable to inducing these forced dream states. Insomnia or some sort of sleep disturbance seems to play a part. Otherwise I'd simply fall asleep.

There's some sort of balance involved between not being able to fall asleep, and navigating a liminal state where I know I haven't gotten a full night's rest, and I'm still trying to get more sleep.

I might just have found a way to take advantage of insomnia to help progress my training into the nature of mind. Insomnia may no longer be a source of frustration and suffering and become an opportunity to appreciate.

I've had two experiences during insomnia whereby I was able to force myself into a dream state while essentially still being aware that I was still awake.

The first time was a few months ago and I wasn't posting anything so I didn't write about it, but I remember it. It was a bout of insomnia and eventually I turned on the TV to something mindless, maybe LPGA or some other sport or CNN.

During the mindless listlessness, I would start drifting into light sleep and start having dreams, fading in and out. At one point I faded in during a dream that had been interesting and I didn't want to leave it. So I wondered if I could force myself to sink back into the dream. I tried it and it worked!

I was able to force myself into a dream state that certainly was no where near REM sleep. The dreams were vivid and chaotic, too chaotic to relate afterwards, but with many elements memorable for a while.

This morning was back-end insomnia. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. After a couple hours of ritual music listening, and an uncomfortably high body temperature that may have been the source of the insomnia, I tried to see if I could force myself into a dream state instead of trying to sleep. It worked!

That's weird, right? But that's what's important. The dream state definitely wasn't sleep. I was awake, but dreaming. When I was trying this out while the music was still on, I was fully aware of each song that was playing. I was fully aware of the position I was lying in, which was dictated by discomfort from high body temperature. But I was dreaming.

It wasn't lucid dreaming, whereby being in a total dream state, and being consciously aware of it and having some degree of control where to go in the dream. I was actually awake with an active consciousness, and in the dreams I wasn't aware that it was a dream, I'd still be just going through the dream as I went through it, without the thought, "This is a dream and I'm aware of it". I had no control over it.

That's super weird even as I write it.

Actually, at one point there was a lucid dreaming-like incident where I remember wondering if I could create a situation and was briefly able to do so. But what that was is a secret at this point. Saying it's a secret possibly gives away what it was, but I'm still not sure how to breach the topic.

Another important aspect that is different from the first time is that back then it sort of happened organically. This time I was trying to force myself into a dream state and it was difficult to maintain it. All during it I was aware and worried that I'd lose it and come out of it. Sometimes I'd come right to the edge of coming out of it.

And one thing I clearly remember: the me in the dream state was like a "dream body" and distinct from my physical life consciousness, but there is a nexus between them where one becomes another. I remember there was one point that I was just getting into the dream body, but failed and coming back to consciousness was actually a shock, it kinda hurt.

I'm a little bowled over about what to make of this. Important to note that right now I'm in full conscious awareness and I know I can't go over and lie down on the bed and make it happen. It's that twilight, intermediate zone of mind between wake and sleep that is particular for insomniacs where these ideas can be revealed and explored.

If the true Buddhist path is anything, it's exploration of the nature of mind.

The past few months . . .

I guess I could've just continued posting like I had been posting; cycling, gym, insomnia. I guess it probably was getting boring, and nothing about posting now suggests anything less boring. Just marking time, I guess.

It was a super mild and dry winter in Taipei. All my preparation and bracing to get through another cold and wet Taipei winter turned out to be overkill; useful for only a handful of days at a time.

I should have been riding through good days in January and February, but just didn't get around to it. Finally getting on my bike in March, I've been struggling to accumulate distance, despite having getting back to the gym regularly since January.

The older you get, the harder it is. Treadmill running at the gym has continued to improve and I've been surprising myself at meeting my goals in incrementally increasing speed and distance. That said, treadmill running and road running are two totally different animals.

At my age, even one mile on the road is as hard as three or four miles on the treadmill. It's one thing for my legs to propel my 145-150 pound carcass over land at a certain speed and another to move my legs while the treadmill beneath me moves at that same speed. The latter being much easier.

To date, treadmill goals I've hit have been to run 45 minutes at no hard pace without injury, complete 5 miles in 40 minutes (8 minute miles), and 4 miles in 30 minutes (7:30 miles). A goal I still want to hit is 6 miles at an 8 minute per mile pace.

Once I hit that goal, I want to venture more towards extending distance road running without injury. I haven't ventured more than one mile on land at a track. And I have been incorporating Pose concepts as I've been able, but I'm still not convinced I'll be able to fully become a Pose runner.

Sleep has been the same as it ever was. Cycles of competent sleep with cycles of insomnia that I take in stride since I don't have to do anything otherwise. If you can't sleep but still have to do something, that sucks. I don't have anything to do, so when I can't sleep, it's actually not a big deal.

Socially, I've only met up with my former Chinese teacher a few times.

ptd. 3/24/19 -ed.