I made a last minute month decision that since this is presumably my last mix CD of the "mix CD of every year of my life" vanity project, I'm totally justified in including 2021 songs that would've made it onto that unmade future mix. And I mean definitely would have made it. I'm not the quickest listener processing songs when I first hear them. I might like something right away, but it's basically in one ear and out the other and it often takes a handful of listens before a song really starts to sound like something with elements I can remember. But every once in a while a song will stop me in my tracks, grab me by the lapels and demand my attention leaving me slack-eyed and/or wide-jawed at how good it is for whatever reason. The five 2021 songs included on Disc 2 are in that league.
And I'll admit the decision to change the mixes to include 2021 songs was made rather recently after the Oh My Girl and fromis_9 songs on Disc 2 were released a week apart and made me wonder about including them. And I might also admit the decision was made easier because I had already shoe-horned the 2021 Chungha song into the originalfinalized track list because I couldn't make it work with only 2020 candidates. That song, released in January, was emotionally stunning and I tried slotting it in just to see how it sounded and I liked it! I ended up suppressing my obsessive-compulsive impulse to include only 2020 songs and tossed two 2020 songs to accommodate it. But then opening up the field for other 2021 songs that met the standard, in addition to the two mentioned above, I found two more and then a bunch of 2020 songs of the "original concept" went out the window.
There were no live audiences at the music shows for the entirety of 2020 so I avoided linking to those videos because the energy is different. Most are videos with mp3 sound and some supplemental live versions. Unfortunately I've found that mp3 sound is much better than the live sound videos I've been linking for the past 10 years! Maybe I shoulda been linking videos with mp3 sound all along :p
Yes indeedy, yet another addition to my vanity project of making a mix CD for
every year I've been alive! And same as since 2012, it's a
double-disc collection filled with K-pop! Yay! Of course there's no
reason on multiple levels for doing this. There's no reason for most of my
life, what's your point? The CD medium itself is an artificial and/or obsolete
construct. Who even uses CDs anymore? (oh yeah, me) But for me the physical
limit is important (if allowing for a second CD can be called "limiting"), as
is the concept of a "collection" with track order, segues and flow and
contours. Who even thinks that way anymore? (oh yeah, me)
What a long, strange trip it's been in just these mix CDs. The extreme left
turn that is K-pop so late in my life still confounds me to the point that I
still can't dismiss mystical attribution of future life resonance – that my next life will be in Korea. FLR might also be why I'm primarily
attracted to girl groups, whereas if it was just about the music genre I
should be equally accepting of the boy groups. I'm drawing analogies with
passages in the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead that describe
the bardo of rebirth whereby individuals that are to be reborn as male will
feel jealousy towards the father and attraction to the mother and vice versa
for females (that's just the basic template while, as my theory goes, genetics
also play a part; the gender-"determining" experience in the bardo primarily
affects subjective identity and may influence physically being born one gender
or another (or yet another these days) but can't counter genetics dictating
otherwise. It explains a lot if you think about it). So the Korean thing may
be a resonance as to where I'm to be reborn, while the focus on the female may
be sticking with current karma that I'll be born male (getting XX chromosomes
notwithstanding). What the hell am I talking about?
Back on planet earth I've tried to explain the K-pop in other ways – that it's about songwriting, really good melodies, tight backing-track
arrangements, the progressions, the gestalt and other
musical/production attributes – but I feel like I'm trying to legitimize something that doesn't
need legitimizing. I've always trusted my musical tastes and rarely have I
made the blunder of thinking something was good only to realize there really
wasn't much substance (mostly when I was trying too hard). But I suppose
maybe none of this matters if it's future life resonance at play. It's no
longer my musical tastes in this lifetime, but echoes from a future that
hasn't happened yet or is supposed to be happening if I had kept to script
and departed for that life long ago. My music listening has been hijacked.
And I've mentioned before that the Korean thing is the future life
resonance, not K-pop. The K-pop is because of love of music in
this current life. In future lifetimes I may not be interested in music at all.Theoretically, if I had some other strong interest, it would be some other
aspect of Korea that would be inexplicably manifesting.
I wonder what I would've been listening to for the past decade if K-pop
hadn't happened. Anything good coming out of the west aside from
Hamilton? I haven't noticed anything. I wouldn't need anything
new since all the music I acquired in those hard-drive exchanges in
2009-2010 may have taken 10 years to get familiar with; as I mentioned, it's
good stuff, I like it, but I frustratingly just don't
know it. *sigh* Music show video clips from 2019 still had live audiences.
Because of the CCP pandemic, there have been no audiences for the music
shows in 2020 and there's a palpable difference in energy without the
screaming audiences and fanchants.
This is a K-pop post I thought of composing two years ago, but decided against it because of the likelihood I wouldn't "feel it" in the long run. It would be dated and I would be embarrassed having posted it. And it's still an embarrassing post, it's K-pop, but two years later I came across the videos and still liked the idea of the post, so maybe not something I'd regret.
I imagined myself going back in time to my younger self in 2003 when I was living in the Mission District in San Francisco and all about indie rock: Modest Mouse, Versus, Death Cab for Cutie, Rilo Kiley, etc. And I would say to my younger self: watch this video and pay close attention to it and tell me what you think of it (I, of course, would know exactly what my younger self would think of it).
My younger self would say, "Holy fucking shit, what the hell was that?", and I'd tease, "It's a 'K-pop' song (appropriate finger gestures). This song is hot in South Korea this very year, what'dya think?".
"Just 'what the hell?'" I'd reply, "It's pretty fucking weird, why are you showing me this? And what happened to your hair?!"
"Because", I'd say with a dramatic pause, ignoring the jab at my thinning hair, "15 years from now a K-pop girl group is gonna cover this song and you're gonna be all over it watching it dozens of times, geeking out about how super fun and cool it is. You'll even read the lyrics. And not only that, but you'll also already be into the entire genre by that time".
"Aw, that's fucking lame. Whatever. Well if you say it's gonna happen, then it's gonna happen. I know things change and I'll change, but it doesn't matter to me now, it still looks pretty stupid. Oh alright, show me the clip 15 years from now." I knew I would take the bait (the two older gentleman in black in the audience are the original artists.)
I honestly have no idea how my 2003 self would have reacted to this video. I was a real snob, all about real musicians writing their own songs and playing their own instruments and I would have resisted this concocted pop confection, but I knew a hype beat and cool groove when I heard one and I think I couldn't deny it was pretty infectious from the get-go. I hope I could've managed a conciliatory, "Actually not that bad".
It's possible – I don't know how possible – that I might have thought if my future self traveled all that way to show me these videos, I may have been hinting something to myself. Maybe to not be closed-minded about music and be open to what can be done. Beyond that I don't know if my life course would've changed any. Probably not much, except knowing that time travel was possible *yawn*. And that I'd still be alive 15 years later *sigh*. Not that I'd change anything since I know I'd be stubborn like that. I probably wouldn't have figured out I wasn't hinting at anything at all and was just using time travel for inter-dimensional geeking out.
May 3, 2004, 2:28 p.m. - My San Francisco apartment in the Mission District. Band posters for Versus, Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse and Rainer Maria. The cat's name is Ransom, sitting atop a first generation Bose AM-5 satellite speaker cube. I'm told those original design Bose speakers are much better than what came later.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
I've been experiencing depression lately! I don't get depressed in general, believe it or not, so although it's unpleasant and perplexing, it's also a bit interesting in ways. If I may be so bold, my brand of mindfulness practice precludes mental health issues. Or perhaps, rather, what might be conventionally seen as mental health issues are filtered through a prism of mindfulness practice, broken apart and considered in constituent parcels.
When the feeling arose, the first thing I did was identify it and not deny it. It felt bad, it was dark and persistent, it was a thing as real as it could be without being solid and it didn't have an identifiable cause. It wasn't a passing mood or just feeling down. Hello darkness my old friend, you've come to bend me over once again. As soon as the identification was made, mindfulness practice kicks in to investigate it; examine the contours, what is it doing to my thoughts and feelings? Pick it apart intellectually at first and then dispel it logically by realizing its illusory nature and using my brand of mindfulness practice that doesn't allow for it because I have too many other mental afflictions to investigate. Don't get attached to it, don't give it any substance or traction, don't react to it and just let it be and wait it out as if it were a physical ailment. That's what mindfulness practice teaches in this situation, that's what makes it useful.
The manifestation is real and can't be downplayed, only placed into perspective. It arises at times when there's a lull in my mental continuum, between things I was doing that kept me distracted, and it would be exacerbated by the simulated urban hermit situation I've created for myself; the isolation, the lack of connection and relationships, no where and no one to turn to. Tunnel vision, tunnel consciousness, closing in on all sides, tinges of desperation. The season and the sun going down sooner each day not helping; even my age and degraded eyesight contribute. It's hard to describe when I'm not feeling it, and when I'm feeling it, trying to describe it isn't high on my priorities (actually no, that's exactly what mindfulness practice does, blogging about it is what's not high priority).
I thought it may be related to Sulli's suicide. Not just hers, but a month earlier another female singer, Woo Hyemi or Miwoo, was reported having died at age 31, but she was much less known and reportage was sparse and ambiguous regarding the circumstances with little follow-up. That's code in Korea's cagey media that foreigners learn to decipher that it was most likely a suicide. If a young death is not suicide, they readily report the cause, so if they don't report what happened for whatever reason, that's pretty much their way of reporting it was a suicide. And it turns out I know who she was, her debut song as Miwoo made it onto my 2015 mix CDs. A month before her death she released a song under her name Woo Hyemi which I didn't recognize, but I subsequently looked it up after I realized who she was and it's poignantly sad, but quite beautiful.
I have kept both women in mind, including during morning sitting, focusing energies, trying to get my head around at least Sulli's depression and mental illness that led so finally and deafeningly to her suicide. I'm supposedly suicidal, although having failed at it for so long might preclude the claim. I don't have depression, although believing I'm suicidal but failing at it for so long might preclude the claim. But I know I wouldn't commit suicide because of depression, and even during these bouts with it I've re-affirmed that. And oddly, regarding alcohol, drinking doesn't make it worse as one might believe it would. It's actually a comfort, something familiar. Here's that feeling again. I think I'll have a drink. Ah, much better.
But I was having trouble empathizing and understanding what happened to Sulli, and I want to. Shinee's Jonghyun I got. Robin Williams I got. Even Anthony Bourdain I got, just a lot didn't make sense and was counter to what I supposedly got. With Sulli it was why'd you hafta go and do something like that? So the universe, if not Sulli's energy itself, sends this to me to try on for size.
I guess the next step in mindfulness practice is connecting the depression with Sulli herself to try to understand it and generate compassion for her and truly empathize. This feeling I'm experiencing but multiplied by 10 or some greater factor had become her reality. Whoosh! I can only scratch it, but that may be enough. I don't need the full force of what she felt nor how all-encompassing and consuming it must have become. May she reincarnate in peace.
Monday, October 21, 2019
I had to go back and look at what I wrote after K-pop boy group Shinee's Jonghyun committed suicide in December 2017 at the age of 27, and why I wrote so much when I wasn't a fan and didn't know a whole lot about him. I do remember wondering what I would feel if such a tragedy hit closer to home.
Ex-f(x) member Sulli committing suicide last week at the age of 25 was closer to home, but curiously I don't have a lot to say about it. The feelings have been very subtle, persistent, resonating, existential tailspins whenever I considered what I had read and tried to fill in the blanks. Everything was wrong and tragic about it. Everyone in and into the K-pop scene should be angry and outraged about it. Basically, she killed herself after years of enduring hateful and malicious comments on her social media when she was just being herself and expressing her views, and it affected her mental health to the extent that she finally ended her own life.
It shouldn't have happened. She wasn't predisposed to suicide. It bothers me that she's no longer here. But I don't have a whole lot to say beyond that.
Fancam from one of the last times Sulli performed with f(x) in 2014:
I admit I was disappointed when she left the group in 2014, but when she returned to music earlier this year and released a surprise three-song single, I was blown away by how good quality and what a fully-formed concept (i.e., not throwaway or half-assed cookie-cutter) it was.
I wonder. Has anyone heard of BTS? In my isolated little world, I honestly don't know who I can suppose has heard of this K-pop boy group that seems to have been lighting the pop world on fire the past few . . . years (sorry, that's a totally gratuitous link to a group that I do like, but at least is a BTS song with an appropriate title)? And I mean globally, heading all the way east from Korea until it meets the west, and all the way west until it meets the east.
It's a given western pop is global; no matter where you go in the world, everyone seems to know iconic western pop acts, whether they suck or not (I wouldn't know about now, but in my rock-oriented youth there was a disdainful assumption of more suck than not). Pop acts around the world, including K-pop, emulate and aspire to be like western pop acts. Has BTS breached that rarefied air and become one of them? I honestly don't know. I read the K-pop newsfeed headlines about impressive milestones they've achieved in global popularity and exposure (they spoke at the U.N.?!wut?!) and records they keep breaking, but are they anywhere near being an enduring household name? Do people recognize their name in the entertainment section or can't avoid hearing about them even if they know nothing about K-pop and couldn't care less?
But here I am, a supposed K-pop fan and I know near nothing about them just because I'm not into the boy groups. I'm not chagrined that it's a boy group that's breaking through after multiple high-profile failures of girl groups through the years to gain attention in the U.S. mainstream. Even though I'm not into the boy groups, I have no doubt the quality of the songwriting and production is just as good as the girl groups I'm into (the above link is the first time I listened to a BTS song, and it notably didn't suck. I could listen to it multiple times and even pinpoint what I think is cool in both the audio and the choreo (I just prefer to watch LOONA doing it)). I don't doubt they're exciting and fun to watch if you're into that sort of thing boy groups. Despite what my CD mixes reflect, I'm under the impression K-pop boy groups are much bigger business economically than the girl groups.
My 2018 mix CDs (of the mix-CDs-of-every-year-of-my-life project) are par for the course since about 2012 and are all K-pop and two CDs. I thought it was bad when there was so much stuff being released that I couldn't satisfactorily contain everything killing me to leave off on a single CD. Now it's just ridiculous and I could easily fill a third CD (whoa! déjà vu), but that's somewhere I'll never go, even if these are just for me. Actually, because they're just for me. A third collection would need a specifiable justification, the likes of which I can't even imagine for K-pop.
I think this is just normal now, but I struggled for months, gnashing my teeth and pulling my hair (at least taking off my slipper and repeatedly hitting my head with it), compiling song lists and track sequences, often ending in frustration and whimpering feelings of futility and impotence, trying to carve out a flow and segues that I felt worked. Segues and sequence flow are what make a mix for me (says the person who listens to a 20,000+ collection on SHUFFLE. It isn't always pretty). But then suddenly I'll have one or two magical sessions moving songs around in iTunes playlists and suddenly all the problems go away (not really, it's more of a forced satisfaction considering there was enough good stuff to fill a third CD) and something comes together and "by George, I think I've got it!". Where I had nothing the day before, suddenly I have something. Pretty!*
The lyric videos are something new in the past few years, made by media-savvy international/bilingual fans, and they seem to not be getting flagged for copyright violations. Have agencies despite their corporate mindset accepted the value of international fans and their desire to know the lyrics or practice Korean (not me on either of those points)? Doubt it, but I have no idea, but as long as they're not getting taken down, I'll link them for the audio files. And I might note that one of my original criteria for K-pop fandom was that I never look up the lyrics (assuming it's a lot of stupid, banal shit about löve and broken hearts). It's actually not all bad (unlike western pop, whose lyrics which I can understand are usually what make me turn it off relativelyquickly).
Actually, my iTunes collection broke the 20,000 files mark recently. Last month let's say. I've mentioned benchmarks I've broken in the past and thought about mentioning 20,000 when it happened, but it's actually a bit of a conundrum I'm a bit conflicted about. Who am I kidding? It's a total mess.
You can never have too much music, I recently heard someone quip.
I disagree, you can. I do and I can describe what it means to have too much music. It becomes a total mess. It's such a mess I don't think I can describe how it all happened in any sane, rational-sounding way. Basically I'm a serial music chaser and hoarder, and it's pretty much gotten out of hand. The main basic problem is that there is a ton of music in my collection that I deem excellent – music that comes up on shuffle play and I don't have any thought of removing it – but I don't really "know" it.
It partly hearkens back to the regrettable hard-drive dumps circa. 2009-10. I think my brother had given me a 500 GB external hard-drive, and the brilliant but misguided idea dawned on me to hook it up to various music-loving friends' (I had friends?) computers and let them transfer whatever they deemed worthy onto it. I got a lot of music that way, and, mind you, everything got reviewed before I put it in my collection, plenty of what they gave didn't make it. And a considerable amount eventually got taken off despite my initial approval.
And I'm not even going to talk about Limewire* and K-pop, except to say without K-pop, those hard-drive dumps may have been manageable. K-pop probably makes Limewire look like a drop in the lake. Let's just say that since breaking 20,000 files recently, it's already up to 20,117. No more than a handful of files are added every three days in my very geeky system of listening and adding, but it's a constant drip-drip that has been going on for years.
Years of constant process has led to this collection of over 20,000 files, most of which I think deserves to be there, but quite a lot which I don't really "know". I think it's good, I like listening to it, but I don't know a whole lot about them. How many albums does that band have? Name some. Name one. Name some of their songs. Name one! Band members' names? My answers would be woefully deficient. Do I consider myself a fan? Using the criteria of bands I'm very much a fan of, I'd have to say no.
Then what the hell are they doing in my collection? Would I even notice if they were removed? Why don't I get rid of them? It doesn't work that way. Easier said than done. He hit me first. And I am constantly vigilant for files to remove. I have two folders named "Removed from iTunes" and "Removed without prejudice" (I'm a hoarder, I rarely delete files permanently). The "without prejudice" is a borrowed legal expression and that folder is for music I removed for whatever reason I felt at the time, but it wasn't because it's bad (and could theoretically be reinstated because it was removed without prejudice). The criteria for removing files is ever-shifting and is usually done spontaneously.
I think I just hit the geek-overload point in this post which demands that I cease and desist. It's such an over-bloated, neurotic mess that would cover topics such as my hoarding history, my listening habits/procedure, the growth of K-pop over the past 10 years, the "great unlistened wasteland" in my iTunes collection, etc., etc. It isn't pretty.
Needless to say, none of this is any big deal. It really doesn't occupy a whole lot of mental space, and despite trying to come up with strategies and criteria to trim down cull swaths of my collection, it's more of a background mosquito consideration. In the meantime I'm enjoying the listening, I'm hardly suffering. Except in the Buddhist way that I'm still acting out a delusion, which has karmic implications if I'm attached in any way. I don't think I am, or I tell myself I don't think I am. I'm aware this is just games I'm playing with myself and anything can change in a heartbeat and none of it will matter. Even the way I listen to music is heading towards obsoletion. What did I do before iTunes and iPods? What did I do before iPod Shuffle for that matter? What will I do after my iPod Shuffles die? I'll adjust. And breathe a sigh of relief.
* It's just a matter of time when no one will remember Limewire. It was a Napster-like file-sharing service that was widely used for downloading music, but almost immediately forgotten once it got shut down for copyright reasons. No mourning, no despondence. No nostalgia. It was great when it was there, no one cared when it was gone. Like my life, lol!! (I was thinking that had to be a metaphor for something🤣).
Friday, June 07, 2019
It's hardly unexpected when the pitfalls of not having a teacher manifest, and I really don't mind it. It's good having to be careful and not be arrogant about not having a teacher/guru/master. I recognize the disadvantage at which I put myself by not having or looking for one, but I have my reasons that I've mentioned before. I opine there's a karmic basis for my attitude, and I also recognize the advantages of not having a teacher. Such as making mistakes. Lots of mistakes, but learning from them myself.
For the past year and a half or so, I've been pretending to do "ear training", but for a while I've suspected that it's just been an excuse to listen to more K-pop. Basically I've been playing bass along with K-pop songs learning the root progressions and singing along with the root movements, concentrating on the intervals and trying to internalize and remember how they sound. Although I have noticed some progress, it's the laziest ear training possible.
Playing along with songs is marginally effective, if not useless. Admitting the real goal is to listen to more K-pop, the better way to pretend it's "ear training" is to not play along with a song, but rather listen to the movement and only play a note after hearing it. If you make a mistake guessing the interval, it's obvious and you know it, clap your hands. If you're playing along and make a mistake, you just kind of fudge over it and go on and there's zero mental correction. And playing along with a song, eventually I'll memorize the progression in my hands and my ear does nothing. Focusing on interval-to-interval, I force my ear to work and suddenly I'm making mistakes unless I learn the intervals aurally.
Real ear training would involve a better method that I would've found frustrating and boring (bored = not enough motivation to be a musician; frustration = not enough talent). None of this has any basis in reality, it's all theoretical musing; just an example of how I go about figuring things out for myself.
I don't know how I feel about this second example since it's about sitting meditation, which I've been doing long enough that I've probably had this realization many times before. And it's the most basic thing, the first thing you learn about sitting. It's about focusing on breathing, and specifically about focusing on the tip of one's nose or the nostrils to concentrate the mind on the breathing in and breathing out.
What feels like a minor revelation recently was that you have to be tenacious about it, not lazy. A typical tendency might be to find it too difficult to continually focus on the breath without the mind wandering. The teaching is once you realize the mind is wandering, just clear out the thoughts and start over concentrating on breathing. Easy. Only to find the mind is wandering again within 20 seconds. It's even easier to eventually decide it's impossible and to just give up and let the mind wander and graze in the pasture.
Being tenacious, I think, is no small part of the method. It may be the only way to get something out of it. For a while, the main focus should be to tenaciously drag (I call it 'tenacious d') the mind back to the nose and the breathing. Forget about the focus on breathing and put that on the back-burner because the mind will start wandering again. Focus just on noticing it and bringing it back whether it's 30 seconds later or halfway through the sitting session. It doesn't matter that your mind has just spent 10 minutes running through an entire discourse about some inane news article you read or something someone said yesterday, just don't get frustrated or discouraged and focus on noticing it and start over.
Although it's properly taught that nothing should be forced in sitting practice, it should also be emphasized that some sort of mastery of the method is eventually necessary. It may be the case that at some point it's too hard to keep the mind from wandering and it's frustrating to constantly try to rein it in. Then the teachings might say it's OK to let the mind wander, but it's not OK to just accept that permanently. Going back to working on the method is necessary. An example I've used before is that it's like learning how to ride up hills on bike. The first time you try riding up a hill, you're huffing and puffing and it's the hardest thing you've done since breakfast, and you strain and struggle and make it to the top and you're sweating and swear you'll never try that again. If you accept that and never try again, you won't find out that the next time you try it, it'll be easier and you'll be totally surprised how not hard it was to get to the top.
What's more, tenacity has rewards. You will naturally be progressively successful at bringing the wandering mind back to the breathing, and something happens and it's almost automatic that the mind stabilizes and may start going deeper into states of concentration that might be confused with drowsiness, but might be the discursive mind fading out, or even heightened alertness and awareness, even getting to a near trance state.
I'm coming across this basic realization now, which is a bit woeful considering how long I've been sitting, but it very well may be I've come across this multiple times before. Having a teacher may have helped make it stick. There are the teachings written in books, but a skillful teacher would be able to expound on anything in the books, I've mentioned before. Maybe they don't write about being tenacious because that adds pressure and risks creating a mental goal for sitting where there shouldn't be any. But once practicing what's in the books, a teacher can guide a student to the tenacious-d according to what the student will respond to and without stress or goals.
Taking this concept into my current Vajrayana reading-inspired practice (i.e., not Vajrayana practice), I can have some confidence that I'm not completely going off the rails. Despite admonishments that a guru is necessary, I'm alright with the direction of my current practice, and even if it might take longer to land a particular concept or practice, I have reason to think I'll get it close to right eventually. Maybe I'm making excuses for not pursuing a guru. But maybe I'm right and a guru isn't strictly necessary as long as there's a sincere and dedicated (albeit mine being perhaps somewhat flaky) search and plenty of time to open up instinctively to the teachings and a healthy dose of critical self-doubt. And even inspired by Vajrayana, it's important to keep the core tenets in mind, first expounded in Theravadan Buddhism, which are that nothing whatsoever should be clung to as 'me' or 'mine', and that all practices should be in furtherance of reducing suffering.
Even if I were told by some mystical augur that I'm advanced enough that I would be guaranteed to attain enlightenment in this lifetime if I sought out a guru, I think I wouldn't do it. Because then enlightenment just became a goal to be attained, rather than a path to follow in order to learn and discover enlightenment as a reality. To seek a guru motivated by a guarantee of certain enlightenment would be an immediate failure for me. It's a paradox, a Catch-22, a test even. I'm totally open to the guru requirement, but it's just not for me in this lifetime. If that forecloses enlightenment in this lifetime, so be it. I have no problem with that.
Alcohol: I haven't quit completely since August last year when I had that great, wonderous, earth-shaking revelation for the umpteenth time that alcohol wasn't going to kill me and it therefore served no purpose. I was drinking almost a bottle of liquor a day with some beer in the mix because beer make happy. I cut down to a bottle every three days or less plus beer still in the mix because beer. The plan was to eventually totally get off the sauce, but that didn't happen because alcoholism.
That makes me question my mindfulness practice which believes quitting completely is not only possible, but even easy when mindfully applied. On the other hand, the reduced consumption (a schedule I've been on many times before in the name of cutting back) hasn't been making me feel like crap like the bottle a day did. There just hasn't been anything compelling to make me quit completely, but like my months at a monastery, now well over a decade ago, I theoretically could stop completely if I had to and not even think about it. Same as it ever was.
Sleep: Insomnia really went away with the reduced consumption of alcohol. Coincidence? The thing is that I've been on this reduced schedule of consumption before during years I've had insomnia, so they shouldn't be related. Psychological? I still always need music on to fall asleep with a timer set to shut off. Sleep is unsettled towards the end with multiple waking in the morning, but I turn on the music and reset the timer and that gets me back to sleep. If I don't turn on music, I don't fall asleep. Average 6 hours sleep with lights out between 1:30 and 2 a.m. and getting up in the 8 o'clock hour for morning sitting.
Exercise: It was full stop on even any thought of running and cycling since August last in the same realization as stopping drinking. Why am I doing this? So much effort and maintenance required, so much pain and risk of injury, so little satisfaction as performance declines. My bike is covered with dust and cobwebs, tyres flat. I don't even want to check how the last pair of running shoes I bought are doing.
Interesting how stopping exercise and stopping drinking are totally different things. Entropy working differently in either case. Or not. I'm kidding, entropy isn't at play at all (or is it?), but I'm realizing my jokes are too abstract, obtuse or just not funny. I realize now I should've been pointing out all along when I'm joking, which is even less funnier. Yes, that was a grammar joke. Yes, that was me pointing out that it was a grammar joke. Yes, it wasn't funny initially and even less funnier pointing it out. Oy vey.
Eating: Appetite has remained completely stable since August last. Faboo. Also alcohol related? Who knows? Maybe not. Maybe it was alcohol related at that time. Which still means it was. The Korean food obsession that started last November lasted until May or June when it relented. Literally Korean food almost every day. I still go for Korean when I think about it, but I no more have to think about where was the place I went least recently to decide where to go. Aigoo.
So what have I been doing? Reading and mindfulness practice has been the all-permeating focus. But mindfulness is more of a Zen thing and I've been playing and fiddling more with Vajrayana, so I should just say practice, mindfulness being a part of it. Pushing the teachings and my understanding the best I can without a guru. No great, mind-opening, satori-like breakthrough, but that's not a focus; not something I'm striving for. More slow immersion into my understanding with tangible, experiential moments of getting things. Applying whatever whenever, focusing on energies. Everything is energy. Energy equals emcee squared (on a total aside, to date there surprisingly has been no notable rock band that has named itself E=mc², but there was a white rapper who went under the name MC Squared).
K-pop girl group obsession and immersion has remained unabated. A lot of time spent watching YouTube videos. But with YouTube videos it's not just K-pop. I watch science lectures and documentaries. There's a "World Science Festival" channel where I watch videos on cosmology and astrophysics.
I watch a channel called "Asian Boss" which features vox pop videos in various Asian countries (at least once in the U.S.) asking people on the street about various topical topics. I think they edit videos for the most intelligent responses, which is refreshing and totally opposite of U.S. talk shows where they do the vox pop thing asking simple questions, but then air the most ridiculous, stupid-sounding people.
I also pay attention to a channel called "China Uncensored", which has sarcastic "news" videos about China-related topics, mostly pointing out China's hypocrisy and unfriendly or hostile relations with other countries. The sarcasm makes the outrage palatable. I like sarcasm, in case you haven't noticed. Wait! Was that sarcasm?! Was I being sarcastic talking about sarcasm?! Good grief. I'm having a crisis of (being) meta.
Back to the South Korea fetish, I follow a few South Korean YouTube vlogs. Apparently professional vloggers. They make money off of it. It's totally voyeuristic watching these people going through certain days they decide to video and narrate. I don't know how I feel about it. It's fascinating watching slices of these people's young women's lives, but it's not prurience. True, they are attractive but that's just the dressing, the bait, the aesthetic. It's the same with K-pop. I'm sure the boy groups are putting out just as good music as girl groups if it were just about the music, but for the pop genre, my aesthetic leans towards the girls. Same with golf, mind you. You couldn't pay me to watch men's golf, but I'll watch LPGA tournaments when sports channels choose to air them (NB: they won't if there's men's or motor sports or such boring bullshit to air).
It's the lives that interest me, the living life that they are doing which I'm not. The relating with other people, the moving through their cities/lives/world, neither of which I'm doing. They are reminders of what I'm not doing, what I may have used to have done when I was younger but don't even want anymore. And there is that tension between feeling I want to be a part of something and the reality that I totally don't.
Branching out of those videos, just recently I did a brief spate of watching videos of people showing their apartments in Seoul (still the Korean fetish). Again, it's just the look at and fascination of the lives going on. All those people doing something. Is there anyone doing the worthless nothingness I'm doing?
There's a class of apartments in Seoul that I don't think we have in Taiwan called goshiwon, which are tiny, basic apartments originally meant for students cramming for national exams. Mostly foreigners and students on a budget use them now, but they remind me of my ideal when I first moved to Taiwan. I wanted to live a simple hermit-like existence, and a goshiwon would've fit the ideal perfectly.
Now I look at my apartment and all the stuff I've accumulated and this is luxury compared to tiny goshiwons. This is my karma. I haven't torn myself and my ego down enough to deserve living in a goshiwon. I probably couldn't survive a goshiwon. I'd be like, "I gotta get out of this situation", and I could because I could afford it. I live in an apartment where I had the luxury of being an insomniac and baby it. Luxury of all my perceived problems without the added stresses of the perceived inconveniences of a goshiwon.
What made me think I could be a monk? I didn't deserve it. I haven't karmically earned it. My karma is still such "bad" enough that I tend towards comfort and luxury. In another life, I could easily become the hungry ghost my mother is in this life. That's the harsh possibility. Wow, that escalated quickly.
Last and least, since last December when cable TV went down for two months (I don't know if it's related; could be), I've been spending at least two hours a day with a bass in hand, plugged into my Korg PX5D and connected to iTunes and working on ear training along with K-pop songs. Why? I don't know. I'm not trying to do anything, it's not about making music or practicing bass or being a musician or anything. It may be closure to my discarded "musician" identity. I recognize now that I was never good enough to be a musician. I'm not talented, I never learned music nor got to know it, and I certainly never practiced near enough to be a musician. And if not any sort of "formal" musician, it behooves me to admit that despite my love of music and trying to make it, I was also not passionate enough to be any sort of musician.
Maybe it's an afterglow goodbye gesture towards musicianship. Ear training is one of those things I never got and never practiced as a skill. I'm just trying to see if I can improve my ear training, and that's it. It's not going to make me a musician, it's not going to make me know music. It's just training to listen to notes and develop a sense of what intervals sound like, where to go for the next note. I daresay it hasn't been a totally hopeless endeavor. It has been evidence that if I had started ear training early enough, in my teens, I could've been OK at it. I have good sessions where my fingers find the right notes without even thinking, and bad days where I feel hopelessly tone deaf and flounder about the fretboard hitting notes only after the second or third guess.
K-pop is particularly good for this because the songs are written by professional musicians applying theory, meaning there is a structure to the progressions, unlike rock which a lot is by feel and if theory is followed it's just happenstance. The theory-following structure makes a lot of K-pop predictable (they love their circle of fifths), which is good for ear training, but the writers are interesting enough to put in lots of twists and surprises to challenge ear training.
Ah, it all comes back to me. Another YouTube channel I pay attention to is ReacttotheK, a group of classical music students who react to K-pop. I generally avoid reaction videos as pointless and varying degrees of stupid, but it was interesting listening to people who know music, who pronounce "timbre" correctly, who know the difference between a piano, horns and an elbow, and had something intelligent to say about the songs.
Hearing them use music terms I recognize but have forgotten reminded me how lacking my music education has been, including ear training. That's what inspired me when cable TV went dark to at least try to do some ear training as a last gasp of musicianhood. I can grasp ear training, whereas I couldn't get music theory even if Kim Jong Un threatened to nuke Seoul unless I mastered music theory. I would pretend to try to do it and stall as long as I could to buy time for Seoul to be evacuated.
And bam, I found the gateway video that hooked me:
It seems like there should have been a sea change in the K-pop girl group scene in 2017 with the epidemic I mentioned before of girl groups disbanding, losing members or falling into limbo with inactivity or no news to the point of potential irrelevance. It was shocking. Yet here I am with no problem still filling two CDs for 2017. New groups have emerged amidst new trends and new top groups. Same as it ever was.
All the extra video links are supplementary videos that I enjoy. The full stage "camcorders" are room sound quality (poor), but they capture the full choreography and the audience noise, and are the closest facsimile of what it might be like to actually be there. I started linking the unofficial stage mixes by a user whose editing skills are amazing in 2016 and continue here (they also serve as a terrific review of fashions and variations girl groups go through in the course of a promotion). And then other various and sundry videos that I like.
I kinda feel it would be remiss to not mention Shinee's Jonghyun committing suicide at age 27 last week. I'm not a fan of K-pop boy groups, but I am aware of them and respect a bunch, especially one of the original top groups of the second Hallyu wave.
I am familiar with the names of all five Shinee members. I have seen their promotion performances on music shows and acknowledge they are amazing, charismatic and talented. I knew Jonghyun also wrote songs for Shinee and other singers. It's a short list of K-pop idols who also write. When I find that an idol also writes, they get a gold star next to their name for creativity. They create.
My reaction to the news was probably very typical and of normative nature. Disbelief, terrible loss, tragic. He was young, famous, adored, talented. He had it made. He had made it. His suicide was felt far and wide, and more than he could likely contemplate. He was a public figure. He had responsibilities. Why?!
Since then it has come to light that he had been fighting depression his entire life and it finally overwhelmed him. There was nothing vain, cavalier or impulsive about his suicide. It wasn't the result of life circumstances that would likely have changed if he just lived on. He wasn't distraught over some tangible thing and went home and hanged himself like others have. He was and always has been in the middle of a dark storm that few people can even imagine. And it wasn't going to go away. Ever. He would eventually have been consumed by it.
Usually I hate the cliche platitude the living use to comfort themselves saying the dead have gone to a "better place". Not that anyone has said that about Jonghyun, but I would be alright with it if they did. It is a good description. He has gone to a better place: Not here.
He meant to do it. It wasn't what I call a "suicidal gesture" whereby a door is left open to be rescued. He meant to do it despite a final text message to his sister who did promptly inform the police.
Usually I would consider that kind of act a call for help with an unconscious half-expectation to be saved. His final text wasn't that. I believe he had no expectation or desire to be rescued.
It was partly a definitive good-bye, but it may have also served a practical purpose given the way he did it. He burned charcoal in a frying pan releasing deadly concentrations of carbon monoxide. The text also served as an alert so that someone would arrive, not to save him, but to turn off the burner and air out the CO so that no one else would be harmed.
It's anyone's guess whether he actually thought of that. Considering the information reported, I would bet that he did. He would have run the scenario in his mind and noticed the danger to other people and taken measures so that others weren't harmed. That fits with the profile of the type of person he was.
That would also answer a question I had about how his sister knew where to send the police. He didn't do it at home, he had rented a short-term apartment for the purpose.
Renting the apartment wouldn't have raised bells. On a most simplistic level he could just tell people he needed a fresh space to write. But then why give his sister the address? Anyone could contact him by phone. The only reason would be the expectation that someone would need to go there.
There are actually plenty of other reasons why she would've known, maybe she had even been there, but basically, dispelling all suspicion, she had it because he gave it to her. It could've been a totally innocuous message saying that he was renting a place so he could write, here's the address if anyone needs me. She would have read it and not thought it suspicious that he was including an address, but there it is planted. It is in the range of suicides to think like that.
Why he rented a place to do it and didn't do it at home is also something we will never know but also goes into the mind of a suicide. It suggests this wasn't spontaneous but planned over a period. There may be an element of separating and getting away from his familiar life. Suicidal thoughts was probably something he lived with, but renting the apartment was a definitive indication that he knew or decided now was the time. Specific reasons of his own we can't know.
Fans have noted other clues that could only be noticed as meaning anything in retrospect. He had a visible tattoo of a black dog that is a symbol for depression? That's news to me, but OK, the article explained it. Fans noted that at a recent broadcast he skipped a sentence that they could see displayed on his teleprompter mentioning his comeback in January. There are other possible reasons for it, but now it looks like he didn't mention it because he didn't expect to be around in January.
My going on and on about this displays the truism about suicide that it leaves more questions than answers. Details can be pondered, contemplated, analyzed, speculated upon, rocks thrown at, poetry written, statistics cited, Broadway shows composed, but we'll never know for sure.
I sympathize with Jonghyun. And I'm glad there has been a lack of public condemnation or judgment regarding his suicide. People seemed to grasp the true tragedy quite quickly, which is not merely that he committed suicide, but that he suffered so much to the point of committing suicide.
I can't say I was a fan, I don't have any Shinee in my music collection*, but I respected him and joined as one of the silent mourners around the world.
In that final text message Jonghyun sent to his sister, there is a phrase that has been translated in two different ways. Fans have latched onto the translation of him saying to his sister, "Tell me I did well". I think there's a very Korean nuance to it that I can't explain. Fans have responded en masse in their condolences telling him he did well. Same as me, it was probably the first thing they thought when they read that message in the news. You did well, Jonghyun.
* I do have several songs that Jonghyun penned for female singers in my collection. In fact, the day after he died, IU's "Gloomy Clock" written by and featuring him came up on my iPod Shuffle. The iPod was loaded the day before he died. That's a 2GB capacity iPod randomly selecting from a 100GB collection. That was one hell of a coincidence.
These 2016 CD mixes of my vanity project to make mixes of every year I've been alive took months of "little tweaks" to be satisfied with them. Maybe not "satisfied", but rather that I reached the point where I got tired of making any more changes.
Still all K-pop, although I did manage to fit in a David Bowie track from his last album; that was going to happen no matter what. I was concerned that it would stick out like a sore thumb, but I think I put it in a sequence of songs (the last five actually, with their minor feels) that creates an appropriate atmosphere without getting depressing. That song is probably the most emotional regarding his cancer and facing dying.
If I do this again for 2017, I think I'll make all effort to make it a single disc or not at all. I don't even know if that's even feasible. Looking at the rejected songs for 2016, they could fill a third CD and it still would have been pretty strong by my estimation. That's why it's hard to say I'm fully satisfied with the end result, a lot was left off.
The "unofficial stage mix" videos that are linked are fan made so it is left to be seen whether they get deleted in the long run. Still, they are so brilliantly done by this particular user that I thought they are worth linking at this point.
The transitions are so smooth that it's like watching a magic show. What's astounding is how the editor matched shots from multiple performances from different music programs (different camera crews and directors) and made the transitions look more like morphs.
This weblog is not being written to be read. It charts a mental decline and a relentless, often distracted, crawl towards an inevitable suicide, with sophomoric ruminations on religion from a Buddhist biased point of view, some armchair cosmology and astrophysics, monastic aspirations, unexceptional photography and other really, really, REALLY DEEP THOUGHTS that contradict themselves and aren't supposed to be watertight. Get off my back.
"With mind distracted, never thinking, 'Death is coming,' To slave away on the pointless business of mundane life, And then to come out empty - it is a tragic error. Recognition of necessity is the holy teaching So won't you live this divine truth from now on?" These are the words of the great adepts. If you don't put the Mentor's precept in your mind, Won't you be the one who deceives yourself? - Bardo Thödol (root verses).
