NETEN

I need to be focusing on winding things down and bringing things to an end. I need to face up to what I have to do and just do it. Instead, I'm watching Chris Nolan's Tenet on HBO. I had heard about it being confusing and near-incomprehensible and that's one of the reasons I didn't see it in theaters. The main reason is simply that I don't see movies in theaters anymore, but I was considering it as an exception since Chris Nolan films are meant to be experienced and not just watched, that's why he shoots in IMAX. But why disrupt my dearly-held daily routine and pry myself from my hermit-like existence to experience a movie that I'm not going to understand and will require multiple viewings, yo'm sayin'? 

So when I saw it on the HBO schedule (old habit, I really don't watch movies at all anymore) I decided to watch the movie initially without trying to understand or make sense of it, just get the scenes into my eyes. I may have even drifted off once or twice, didn't matter, and I had the TV volume too low – it wasn't my imagination as I later learned the poor sound design of the movie is a recurring complaint. Then before it aired again I binge-watched as many explanatory, expository videos on YouTube as possible to get as good an understanding what was going on for when I watched it again. I don't think it's possible to spoil this movie. If a video didn't say *spoiler alert*, I wouldn't have watched it. 

You wouldn't believe how many videos have been made about Tenet. Binge-watch I did and probably watched only about half of what got recommended to me on YouTube. They could be a subgenre of their own. They cover all sorts of things like the timeline, time inversion, the front/backstory plot, who's who as well as who might be who and who's who in what scene and where and who knows what when, etc. They run scenes backwards, forwards and backwards again because like Steven Tyler you don't want to miss a thing, they stitch scenes together chronologically or from character-specific perspectives or from parallel but different time viewpoints. They use graphics, snake diagrams, line drawings, animated 3D renderings, Feynman diagrams, bell curves, sign language, semaphore and finger puppets (OK, calm down, get a grip). I think I spent more time watching Tenet YouTube videos than the running time of the movie. All useful, mind you. Insane, confounding, incomprehensible, but strangely useful and brilliant.

I know, I know, latching onto a movie and exhibiting quasi-obsessed behavior like this is stupid when I'm supposed to be winding things down and bringing them to an end. It's not conducive to lessening ego-attachment and finalizing any realizations about the nature of reality. Maybe it's a vain distraction from all that. Maybe it's something to occupy time during de facto lockdown (which has been extended to mid-July despite daily cases falling under 100 for several days; better safe than sorry and to keep our guard up). Maybe it's a last hoorah reminding me of when I did watch movies quite a lot and held value in them. Silly me thinking I had something to say about movies when kids these days are making videos about them that are far more astute and sophisticated. Even John of the cancer blog wrote an entry towards the end about his love for film and created a video montage of his favorite films. I didn't even know he had the technical facility to make that; I sure don't (although his paltry montage can't compare to the geek-supreme monstrosity that is the collection of my mix-CDs-of-every-year-of-my-life vanity project). 

Film for me is one of modern civilization's greatest accomplishments in terms of art and expression. How it encapsulates life and all the many and diverse facets of meaning, subtle and obvious. I'm pretty out of touch with popular movies today and with exceptions generally don't think I'd think very highly of them. I know there is art being created by people who actually have something to say or a vision to express, but those don't reach me. 

Christopher Nolan I imagine will enter the pantheon of greatest directors. Tenet? It's definitely art, high-concept art. There are a lot of people calling it a masterpiece and it may be so, but I wouldn't be so quick to bestow that rank on a film that requires multiple viewings to understand, if not hours of explanatory YouTube videos. There's a difference between a film that invites multiple viewings because it's so good and a film that requires multiple viewings to even understand. On the other hand if it's a film that so many people are willing to view multiple times just to understand it, the director is doing something compelling at the least. That I think Tenet is. Still, by no means is it in any way near perfect. There are elements in the concept that are a stretch to work or make sense and that's unsatisfying. For people willing to watch it multiple times to get it, I think one group of viewers will grow to appreciate and love it more and more while another group might still like it, but find perceived faults becoming amplified. I won't venture to guess which category I fall in.

Yesterday was the first day in weeks that the daily number of infections by the Wuhan Communist China Covid-19 virus fell below 200 (175 cases reported). The infection rate had been fluctuating between 200-400 cases per day, neither increasing out of control nor definitively declining. While the reasons can't be stated with certainty, it might optimistically be a combination of Level 3 restrictions plus seemingly the vast majority of people voluntarily treating it as a lockdown. It would mean we can get a handle on this. 

Imagine if by hunkering down we can get the infection spread completely contained within a month or two. That would certainly be a statement to the international community what Taiwan is capable of. Personally I definitely do not have two months worth of funds left to see the outcome. 

It's been mildly inconvenient for me with only slight changes in my routine, no big deal. The increased time staying home hasn't translated to an increase in alcohol intake as far as I can tell *hic*. The restrictions are tolerable but they also annoyingly effect how and what I eat. I have a love-hate relationship with western fast food (clown, king and colonel all represented in my neighborhood). It's disgusting but as an expat I'll take most excuses to spring for it. And I'm under no delusion that when ordering a McDonald's salad, the emphasis is on "McDonald's", not "salad". "McDonald's" still does not mean "healthy", just that "salad" means "roughage". Tasty, not-really-healthy roughage.

The arrival of plum rains in all their daily afternoon squall glory also contributed to my restricted movements as I stay closer to home when it's raining. The rains also brought down temperatures proving I was right about summer arriving early in May with unseasonable heat. They made it reasonably comfortable for a bit as June should or could be, but now more heat is expected and A/C use already allowable. The plum rains also brought relief to southland reservoirs and the two-days-per-week-of-no-water rationing has been lifted, thank goodness for them. I don't know how I would have dealt with my water turned off two days per week. Not pretty.

Taiwan is finally getting a taste of the mess much of the rest of the world has been enduring for the past more than a year. When the international press would say that life was more or less normal in Taiwan, they weren't exaggerating. We got off good until now. I mean, to put it in perspective, our numbers are still way lower than some U.S. states are still reporting, but for them the improvement is such that it's probably just such a relief it's getting better and not getting worse. Taiwan is facing disaster (or just joining the party late and forgot to bring a six-pack of vaccine). 

The international press has pointed to complacency as part of the reason for the current outbreak. It took several days for that to sink in, but I don't think that's an inaccurate assessment. In fact I would go one step further and suggest the government may have seriously fucked up and wasn't lucky this time in dodging the bullet. 

We actually had a direct warning a few months ago when there was a cluster outbreak centered around airline employees. All contacts in that case were traced and it was successfully contained. An EVA pilot was fired and the airline heavily fined, but a huge loophole was exposed and I don't know if the government did enough to close it. They should have required all airline personnel to undergo pretty much the standard quarantine procedures if they planned to enter the general populace. 

I haven't been following the news as diligently as before (perhaps a reflection of personal complacency mirroring government complacency), but I think this outbreak started at the airport hotel and infected airline employees were responsible for the flashpoint of the outbreak in Taipei's Wanhua district, famous for "tea houses" (not exactly red light, but not the most reputable adult "entertainment"). I think another government failing is that when it was clear Wanhua was a major hotspot, they didn't lock it down or restrict travel in and out and still haven't, even though it's probably too late now despite most of Taipei's daily cases coming from there. 

I don't know. Before I thought I was pretty in-tune with what was going on, but I haven't heard any discord regarding the government's failure in these regards. I could be flat-out wrong, or as the people get angrier as conditions get worse the government may face a reckoning that will impact politics. 

I also don't know how flat-footed Taiwan was caught regarding obtaining vaccine, pants around our ankles with China already ready to say "bend over" (wouldn't trust their vaccine anyway and I'm pretty sure that's not a needle they want to prick us with). If government complacency mirrors my personal complacency, a few months ago my brother asked about Taiwan's state of vaccine and my reply was somewhat nonchalant, that we didn't have any but the government was taking steps to eventually procure some in case we need it. Hindsight 20-20, Taiwan should've aggressively tried to procure some of the sauce and either have it ready (don't know what its shelf-life is) or start voluntary vaccinations at the very least to test how Taiwanese felt about it. Or at least jab those horny bastards in the airline industry.

The amount and degree of miserableness continues to compound, and it's not even just personal anymore as the CCP pandemic is finally starting to get out of hand in Taiwan and stifling summer heat has arrived early. This is compound misery. 

It's been a long time since I've heard anyone call it anything aside from "Covid-19" since I no longer watch those China-watch YouTube channels (because they turned out to be unabashed pro-Trump conspiracy theorists during the election) which regularly called it the "CCP virus", placing descriptive attribution most accurately where it belonged. Even Taiwan media sometimes calls it "Covid-19" aside from the usual "Wuhan virus" or "coronavirus". That's how thorough Chinese Communist Party brainwashing and propaganda is with the collusion of the WHO. Don't kid yourself, if you call it "Covid-19", you're doing it because of the Chinese government whether that bothers you or not and there's nothing you can do about it. All the variants are named after source locations, i.e., India, South Africa, Brazil, UK variants, but where did the whole thing start? Of course . . . Covid, Estonia (*insert Chinese news source*). 

In a textbook example of "well that escalated quickly", northern Taiwan went straight to Level 3 (out of 4, which is lockdown) in a matter of days late last week. Masks must be worn at all times in public, limits on gatherings, recreation and nightlife shut down, and name and telephone information must be submitted wherever you go in case contact tracing becomes necessary. 

That last one is the point of anxiety for me, ergo misery, since I don't have a phone. I've been using my invalid old phone number just to get by, but that defeats the purpose and eats at my willingness to do my part. My account-less iPhone that my aunt gave me does receive emergency government texts and has a number associated with it, but it doesn't look like a Taiwanese number and I don't know if it can receive calls or texts sent to it. I once wrote down my email address, but even though that is the only way to contact me if my locations are traced, it also may draw unwanted attention and suspicion that might uncover the fact that I don't have a smartphone, which I've mentioned before ordinary people find incomprehensible to the point of being criminal or indicative of insanity. 

Of course, no one in my family has reached out asking how I'm getting by without a phone. I'd have to come to mind first before they reached out. That's all fine, I've given them no reason to come to mind and I'm neither their business nor responsibility and I have no expectations of them either. If they heard the news from northern Taiwan and thought of me, I'd be touched and grateful but contacting me would be unwarranted and likely awkward and uncomfortable and bottom line it's not like they could do anything anyway. 

And it's not like they don't have problems and anxieties of their own. Southern Taiwan is experiencing a crushing drought with water in their reservoirs beyond disturbingly, desperately low. I don't think Kaohsiung quite yet, but other places down south are already having their water turned off two days per week since April. They ironically need a typhoon direct hit which would fill their reservoirs (last year was the first year in about 56 years where Taiwan was not hit by a single typhoon). They need a potential disaster to prevent an impending disaster.

In a contrast in misery, the early arrival of summer heat is more of an ambient misery. Merely existing sucks once out of the constant air stream of a fan. I even turned on the A/C last week way earlier than usual, albeit only long enough to see if it still works and to take the edge off the heat in that moment when it got unbearable. After the no hot water and broken space heater debacle this past winter, I fully expected the A/C to not work and I still expect my fan to break at any moment. 

So many things compound to add to the list affirming "I don't want to be here anymore", but that's a list long in compilation and I'm still here so it can't mean much of anything until it does. But also long in development is that the misery isn't anything negative anymore. There may be an emotional component to it, but it's not dominant. Take away the emotional component and all that's left is the description or the fact of the misery. I'm not sure that makes sense or how it even really works. 

Mindfulness practice triggers a stop, breathe, and investigate the emotion and the rationality behind the negativity caused by misery. There is no rationality for negativity when the whole spectrum of life experiences are taken as having value, which I think might be a Vajrayana approach. It can suck but I don't have to be all negative about it. I do find myself stopping and breathing and investigating emotions quite a lot these days.

WordsCharactersReading time

WordsCharactersReading time

One last dip into winter, nothing unusual. Dreary, rainy, highs in the low 60s (cold for the sub-tropics); if it was like this for a week or more in January or February, it would be winter in all its miserable glory. But after a smoggy but sun-speckled week in the 70s and 80s and later this week rebounding in that direction, this is just a chilly aberration. Refreshing even. As days hint at warm and muggy, nights become indecisive regarding getting under the covers or laying on top, often starting above and then slipping under as the night progresses. These may be the last days of comfortable diving warm and snuggly under the comforter for the night. 

I want my cold water shower certification, I think I've earned it. I'm practically jaded about getting under a cold water shower now. Granted half my showers are still with stolen hot water remnants from my neighbor and the cold half of showers aren't nearly as bad with winter coming to an end. I no longer jump into them screaming like a girl and rush like a flailing cat to get out. I be like yo! I'm bad, just chillin' under cold water. I don't suppose the Boy Scouts have a cold water shower badge. I do suppose we could guess how it would be certified and by whom, those scoutmasting letches. Not Boy Scouts. Unemployed Middle-Age Scouts? Of America.

I had a reoccurrence of the knee problem I had a few months ago, suggesting it may be something chronic. It's a bad enough pain that if I had a longer term outlook on life I'd probably get it checked out medically. I even looked up the kind of doctor I'd probably want to see (骨科 (gu⠂ke) orthopedic) and started keeping an eye out for clinics in my neighborhood with those words, but stopped not seeing any and realizing I don't have a long-term outlook. I was just checking out of habit. If my teeth start bothering me my neighborhood seems to be the epicenter for dentists (牙醫). 

It didn't really bother me this time, knowing it would go away. It was that doubt before that had me freaking out, wondering if it was something permanent. Looking back, why would I think that? I dunno, paranoid pessimism perhaps. This time I even kept track of it for the data. I felt it start to stiffen late Tuesday. Wednesday I couldn't bend my knee enough to even ride my bike, lord knows I tried. Wednesday to Saturday were maximum Advil days (no more than 6 per 24-hour period). Sunday I only took Advil in the morning and after that it still hurt, but the agony requiring Advil was over. This morning I was finally able to force my leg into my usual half-lotus position for sitting (instead of with my left leg hanging off the edge) and now I have full-range of motion with only a very tolerable, lingering pain.

follow-ups

. . . I had braced myself for a long, cold, bitter winter with actually little evidence or suggestion by meteorologists to justify that expectation. I was just pessimistically bracing for the worst, hoping for better and fortunately after those two cold blasts early in January, at least one of which was Siberian, it hasn't been that bad, spasiba. Daytime highs, which are my standard gauge of the days in general, have been up and down but never as cold and with plenty on the mild side. I looked back at what I'd written about previous winters and this year is no where near as bad as Taipei could get. My nerves and psyche would be shredded catatonic if it was like one of those winters, especially with no hot water. 

. . . I've adapted alright to no hot water, helped by no sustained cold winter temperatures. It's still not pleasant and I still bifurcate my showers, even when I can't siphon hot water from my neighbor, to minimize being under cold water at any one time. When I do tap his hot water, I try minimizing any effect on his showers by waiting until I hear his water turn off. I can still get sufficient hot water for my needs for a short while afterwards. Hopefully there is zero effect on his showers and therefore no reason for him to do anything about it. Interdependence in action perhaps as I'm being considerate towards him but for selfish reasons.

. . . That fine line between "showing restraint" and resisting alcohol consumption became a slippery slope of itself towards resistance and I don't think I've gotten too nutty about it. It's no great achievement, just preferring to lean towards not drinking when it comes to mind. But I'm not that strict about resistance and alcohol levels in bottles still steadily decrease, just not as fast. Under my new regimen of "can I say no to this?" I'm drinking maybe half what I was. It's probably more complicated than that. The effect on my gut was incredibly quick, though, improvement within days and I don't think it just happened out of coincidence. This is attributable to the alcohol drop-off. Do I feel any different otherwise? Not really. Can I fall back into it? Easily, I'm not fooling myself about that. 

. . . I'm willing to backtrack a bit on my disparaging suggestion regarding the mental health industry and their inability to treat something like "chronic suicidal ideation". My inability to even imagine how they would go about treating it is probably more indicative of my lack of imagination (and professional education and training) than their ability to target strategies for treatment for whatever comes their way. 

. . . Still nary a thought of going to the bank. I don't know if I've gone past the point of no return, whereby if I went to the bank today funds would not come through before current remaining funds ran out. I don't care, I'm not thinking about it. I'm assuming I'm past the point. I've been bracing myself mentally and conditioning myself to conjure and maintain cognitive dissonance whenever I feel comfortable on the day-to-day conveyor belt of habit and routine: This is not going to last, everything must and will change. Many elements in my surrounding life have already shaken up senses of perpetual comfort, now it's just me that I have to work on and just keep myself off-balance instead of being complacent about anything. With the external world I keep adapting and coping with disturbances and changes, but internally I have to shake things up myself and there is no adapting or coping, just acceptance. 

I found I can "hijack" hot water for a bit from my neighbor. My room shares a wall with my neighbor's bathroom, so I can hear when water is running in his bathroom. By total coincidence, once when I was washing my hands I suddenly was miraculously getting warm and then hot water! My stars, I was shocked! I didn't know what to make of it or what to do, but when I exited my bathroom I could hear my neighbor's shower running through the wall on the opposite side of the room and started putting it together. Several times thereafter if I heard his shower running, I would go check whether I could get hot water and it worked every time. I began formulating what I could do to exploit this situation.

The hot water doesn't last long enough for a full shower and he takes showers several hours earlier than I do, but just touching, feeling, caressing, . . . light petting the hot water was doing wonders for my psyche. I've therefore decided to bifurcate my showers and rearranged my routine so that during the window of time I expect him to be taking showers, I don't have ear buds jammed in my ears and when I hear his shower running, I go and wash my hair and face with glorious hot water! Only my head gets wet and it takes just a few minutes.

Several hours later when I usually take my showers, I finish off the job under cold water which I can do very quickly. I'm probably under cold water for less than 2 or 3 minutes; head stays dry. I still have the "AUUUGGGHHH!!!!" mentality of jumping into a cold river at first, but I've also started working on transforming any negative, virulent energy into something like loving-kindness. It sucks, it's cold, it's miserable, but instead of reacting negatively emotionally I try focusing on a positive attitude. 

At first I tried focusing the energy as loving-kindness to all humanity as teachings encourage, but I'm not the Dalai Lama and have you seen the news lately? Loving-kindness to all humanity in a sincere manner is honestly just not in my capacity of courage. So then I tried something easier like my cousin Audrey who has been all but useless lately and has made it clear we have no relationship . . . yup, aiming it at her still works. And then my mother who occasionally sends photos with my brother's family in mass emails that I never respond to, but despite being the only person making any kind of contact is the last person I want anything to do with . . . yes, she actually qualifies! Sounds like strange psychology going on but I'm not sure this is psychology as much as dharma, or even karma. It occurred to me and it worked/happened without resistance or disgust. Strange things happen when stripped down to desperation or personally challenging extremes.

I don't know how my neighbor is affected nor if he's getting seriously pissed off nightly when his hot water drops off in the shower. I know nothing about plumbing, but from my experience living here two showers competing for hot water at the same time means everyone's quality and expectations are compromised. Yes, I feel like an asshole knowing my actions are possibly causing him anger, but . . . dude, it's hot water. 

What I don't know is how he'll react as this situation continues. I'd be surprised if he just tolerates it – he's paying rent which implicitly includes hot water and if he's losing hot water during showers, that's a problem. I don't know how he'd be able to figure out I'm the culprit. He might complain to the landlord but I don't know how they'd be able to pinpoint me as the source of his problem. Just testing his water without me running mine and there's no problem. But then they might guess that someone else must be running water at the same time every night and end up knocking on my door and directly asking me, which is a horrifying thought. I don't know how that conversation would go unless my neighbor speaks English, although it might be an opportunity for me to tell someone I have no hot water at all. If they fix that, I stop interfering with his showers and he's happy and I go back to taking hot showers after midnight and I'm happy. 

But that's just wishful thinking. I just have a feeling my hot water-siphoning won't be maintained for the rest of winter and he'll do something to stymie it. And I'll still have no hot water. Why do I think that way? Am I being unreasonably negative? Go ask the universe.

It shoulda been a no-brainer. If the broken space heater was the "actual trigger" for depression, then go buy a new one! The reason it didn't occur to me right away is: a) I've long had a moratorium on buying more stuff, new stuff; anything I bring into my apartment I need to have an idea of how it will exit my apartment, and b) I'm in my last few months of money. What I have left won't see out the summer and the sooner it runs out (if I don't go to the bank), the sooner that's supposedly the end of my life, so don't spend frivolously*. The option of buying a new space heater sat in a total mental blind spot. 

* I am aware of the many layers of contradictions and neurotic nuttiness leading to absurd formulations that just don't make any sense. Yet there they are. Story of my life. And I do find them outrageous, dismaying and infuriating in alternating and varying measure. If you were me, I'd bet you'd want to kill yourself furrow your brow, too.

But I decided under these circumstances whereby the universe isn't playing fair and is maliciously and artificially creating the perfect conditions for my personal misery (no hot water, broken space heater, possible record-breaking brutally cold winter with constant clouds and relentless drear . . . coincidence?! I think not), I felt justified in bypassing my own neurotic rules and at least go and price new space heaters. I went out with the aim of buying the cheapest one possible that will make showers bearable. I got one for a little over US$30 and is less than half the wattage of my previous one, but it'll do. It'll have to. I won't complain and I'm still armed with the attitude of treating the misery as practice. Actually, it's of minimal effect with limited range depending how cold it is, but I don't want to understate the importance of at least being able to take the edge off the chill at key times. 

It's still definitely better than nothing, but I think the most important thing is that I took control of the one thing over which I had control. If I had continued to treat the loss of the space heater like the water, weather and Siberian blast (literally), as something I couldn't do anything about, I could've risked falling into a hole of hopeless, helpless despondency. I'm not so confident about my mindfulness practice being able to ward off despair and realize it's only temporary and will pass. It's possible I would see it as an undeniable disruption of the day-to-day conveyor belt whereby all avenues of coping to maintain a modicum of comfort and stability would be gone. 

And it's only early January; winter is still a long way to get through. I bring myself back to my breath and focus on breathing and calm. It is only a little bit of comfort to see next week's forecast with several days in the 70s and sun. The temperatures then go down again perhaps suggesting a possible rollercoaster of a season. I can't project how my psyche will hold up or whether my resistance and mindfulness practice will fail and accept all my efforts have gotten old and I'm too exhausted to try to maintain them. I'm not that tough. I hope I remember to remember it's all alright. Otherwise it's narcissistic ego-attachment. Let it go.

Whoa, dude, I'm being hit by a nasty bout of depression. I know I've written about experiencing depression in recent memory (meaning a few years) since it's rare by my reckoning. When it happens it's confirmation, to me at least, that I'm generally not depressed. There's a big difference. To me at least, if not how I sound.

To catch things up the past few weeks, my left knee appears to have pretty much mostly healed from whatever that was, but the sciatica still dogs my right leg from time to time; not too bad, doesn't contribute to depression, just a limp. The weather has no doubt been a contributing factor in the depression. There were maybe three days that weren't gloom and drear and with temperatures creeping into the low 70s and pale sunlight fighting a losing battle. But that long-range forecast predicting cold temperatures right around New Year's was not only spot-on, but spot-on with a Siberian vengeance with probably record lows on New Year's Eve. I'd be surprised if records weren't broken or matched. Cold contributes to depression with not a promising forecast.

Contributing factors aside, I'm gonna attribute the actual trigger for the depression being my space heater breaking. A few weeks ago I tried out pointing my space heater into the bathroom during showers and it helped mitigate that misery to the extent that I didn't give a second thought about using it every night since then or what it might be doing to my landlord's energy bill (I don't pay it directly, but I still feel bad since he's my cousin's uncle). Using the space heater made me think I could get through this. Whatever however shit it was to plummet myself under a cold shower, there was that steady flow of warm air making it bearable and which was especially appreciated when I was done and temperatures only rose at that point. The space heater breaking was the universe laughing and telling me to go fucking kill myself already, daring me at this point. The universe has no qualms laughing at the big joke of my life and making it worse in the pettiest ways. So the universe is not so much #worstlandlordever, and more the model of #sadisticthirdworlddictator.

I have no problem putting a theoretical, ideated suicide (i.e., not to be taken seriously) back in the cards on the table, except one principle I hold to is depression can't be a contributing factor towards suicide. If I'm feeling depressed, I'm not going to do it. Clear out the depression and I'm good to go. I am fighting the depression with positive thoughts and energy and happiness-generating meditations. It's all part of mindfulness practice. Ironically, a contributing factor in the depression is feeling that my practice has been going no where, but then countering that by identifying that as subjective with limited validity; don't worry about it, just keep practicing. 

I don't know if it's just me and my personal version of mindfulness practice, but depression can't crush a turnaround in positive mentality and realizing all of these conditioned things shouldn't be taken as real, fact or substantive. Unfortunately, I also think a part of my method is what I mentioned before about getting angry to cope with situations. I recognized getting angry may not be ideal as any sort of weapon, even fighting depression. I'm confusing and conflicting myself now, so I'll stop. I don't have a conclusion to which this train of thought is heading.

I only have reasons to commit suicide and letting go of this life, and nothing but my ego-habit and attachments preventing me. All of those contributing factors towards depression are valid contributing factors towards suicide, except depression itself. Good fucking grief. Why can't I be a normal person and just kill myself if I'm depressed and without all the neurotic conditions I've placed upon suicide? Just take a gun and shoot myself, except this isn't the U.S. and guns are hard to come by. OK, buy a portable barbecue grill and burn charcoal in my bathroom leaving one of the small windows above open to clear out the carbon monoxide so no one else is affected. But I don't want to leave a body. I don't want someone to find me and have to deal with a body. Why? What the hell is wrong with me? But it is absolute, I won't subject anyone to that. 

Oh, Happy New Year, btw! 2021, yay!

I will mention that a superficial way of dealing with depression has been in the mix CDs I've made for every year I've been alive. As geeky and pointless that may seem to anyone else, there's nothing like being able to put on a CD that was personally curated by myself and guarantees every song and segue is an uplifting bop of appreciation of beauty, groove or emotion. I guess it helps that the one enjoyment I have in my life is listening to music. Obviously it wouldn't help anyone who doesn't care much for music. But I highly recommend that sort of project for its therapeutic benefits in both making them and in listening to them in the lowest moments.

Finally, I need to own up to a mistake I made trying to be clever in my previous post. I referenced the song "War" and then thought I was being clever by referencing the song "Low Rider" thinking both songs were by the same artist. They aren't. War is by Edwin Starr and Low Rider is by War. So you can see how I got into trouble; an honest mistake. Why I would think "War" was done by a band called War simply went over my head. Well, Japanese all-girl punk band Shonen Knife wrote a song called "Shonen Knife". That even made it onto my 1991 mix CD.

mizerable daze

The weather oracle has already declared this to be a La Niña winter and the long-range forecast for Taiwan is that it will be mild until the end of the year, and then temperatures would plunge after New Year's followed by a long, cold, bitter winter (of course Taipei is subtropical, but that's how I read it). I remember cold, bitter winters over the past 10 years because I would bring cold weather stuffis back from New Jersey because of them. Below average winters aren't pleasant, but at least I should be sorta prepared for them.

And that "mild until the end of the year" is turning out to be no comfort as Taipei has just had two solid weeks of gloom and drear when it wasn't outright raining, which it has a lot, and at least another week and a half of the same according to the forecast. Weeks and weeks of this kind of weather is also in my experience here, notably my first two winters. It seems every kind of worst winter weather is being dished out all at once this season, perhaps the universe's answer for Taiwan avoiding the worst of the CCP pandemic and making sure 2020 sucked for everyone!

Adding to the personal suckage of 2020, one of the two major hypermarts near my place closed at the beginning of the year/pandemic. It was the closer of the two and was in walking distance for alcohol runs during extended rain periods. The remaining store isn't too much farther away in the opposite direction, but requires going by bike. The result is that whenever there's a lull in the rain, I do an alcohol run and accumulate a stock to last as far into the rainy period as possible in case it turns into constant rain. So far there have been enough lulls to consistently maintain over a week's worth of alcohol. 

Even more suckage is developing sciatica in my right leg. Somehow I immediately knew it was sciatica when the pain started (the word just came to me) and was able to confirm its likelihood with a web search that described it exactly. It was pain that was both dull and sharp and I couldn't pinpoint where on my leg it hurt, it was just the whole turkey leg. The description of a "radiating" pain rang true. And since it's a nerve issue, there's nothing that can be done about it but wait for it to go away (similar to the ridiculous issue I had with my cervix long ago).

I expect the pain to simply go away as that seems to be my karma (pattern/habit) my whole life. Same with the pain on my left knee that has developed in the past two days. That's too soon to worry about and I'll finish off the glucosamine I have left which usually takes care of knee pain. Only a little disturbing is that Advil seems to have no effect and it really fucking hurts (not quite as fast as "sciatica" came to mind, "gout" became a possibility). It's far worse than the usual glucosamine-cured knee aches and hampers mobility. Outwardly, sciatica only slows down my walking to thinly veil a limp. This knee pain has shown effects on walking, stairs and bike riding; makes me look crippled, even on bike. 

And then there are the cold showers as mercury continues to descend. Even no where near the depths of a forecast long, cold, bitter winter, cold showers aren't pleasant. I'm still mindfully gauging my emotions at the lack of hot water while in the shower. I scroll through my range of emotions, wondering what I'm feeling. I know what I'm thinking; I'm thinking at least I'm not in the Siege of St. Petersburg, at least I'm not Jewish in the Holocaust. I'm only at "abandon ye all hope of hot water", but how do I feel about that? OK, cold. I feel cold. That's not what I mean. Frustrated? Wronged? I don't deserve this? Injustice? Violated? Tempting, but no, none of those.  

How am I supposed to feel as I jump under the cold shower? This sucks!, yes but that's not a feeling, it's a fact (or an opinion depending upon who you ask, i.e., someone who isn't directly experiencing it). Holy shit! yes, but that's more an expression of a feeling. What is the emotion behind that expression?

What goes through my mind is "let go of ego, let go of attachment (to comforts), let go of the self (what suffers)". There's something practice-related going on. What comes up in my mind is certainly not the peaceful deities/lights (representing the ground of reality) in the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead, but rather the wrathful deities that appear after liberation through the peaceful deities is missed. 

Wrathful deities is more like it. Wrath; this is more akin to anger. Not anger at anything or anyone, just a violent and virulent dissonant energy. It helps me get through it. If I wasn't angry, maybe I'd be wimpy and whiny and complain about it in bouts of self-pity, but St. Anger says, "be damned, cold water, it is not you who will defeat me". All the while not knowing it just may (along with sciatica, seasonal affective disorder, gout, isolation and not being known, gastrointestinal issues, alcoholism, etc., etc.). 

Anger has helped me survive a lot along my way. Is that a good thing? It can't be, can it? Anger and negativity feed each other. But I'd posit negativity as a general or background state – that's not good, it just taints and sours everything. Anger, when controlled, can be a sword, a weapon, an adrenalin bomb, something you need when confronted. Actually, no, it's not a good thing. I'm probably just trying to justify the "way I am", but it has likely caused more grief than good for me.

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A year ago I expected hot water. Last winter I demanded hot water. I can't recall ever living in a place that didn't have hot water. I'm a product of the first world and hot water is a hooman and hoowoman right!

I did start to have troubles with hot water last winter and given the above statement, it was perfectly reasonable to run the tap until I got hot water. I demanded hot water. Until last winter, hot water was completely reliable and I'd get it after running the water for just a bit. 

Last winter, for the first time ever there were more than a handful of instances when hot water wasn't forthcoming. It was a new experience, it was perplexing, and my solution was to run the tap until hot water came through, which it always eventually did. Sometimes it took 10 minutes, sometimes 20, once it took nearly an hour that I was wasting perfectly good fresh water down the drain waiting for hot water to come through! There was frustration and anxiety involved, and since I shower closer to lights out than not, it disrupted when I went to sleep. Even though it happened only a few times, every day there was doubt whether I'd get hot water reliably soon or I'd have to run the water for extended periods while going back to my computer and futz around, checking the water status every 5 or 10 minutes. 

As summer faded this year and temperatures started cooling, I just had a feeling remembering last winter, a premonition perhaps, that there would be no hot water when I asked the tap for it. Maybe not a premonition but just the product of my negative mind and pessimism. Whatever, the fact is that my fears have come to pass and I have no hot water. However, I was able to brace for it and change my attitude and assume and accept that I no longer have hot water. 

Going into winter, cold showers are now the expected norm. Granted, Taipei is subtropical and winters are on par with San Francisco, but even in SF I took hot showers in the winter (and summer). It's not like snow-bearing regions like New Jersey, Ohio, Seoul or Tokyo where I suppose cold showers in the winter would range in the realm of howling holy shit 'unbearable'. 

Currently I think of showers as "jump in the river" experiences. You jump in the river and it's shockingly cold, but then you just have to deal with it and endure it. Every night. Or I can recall and emulate the legendary Japanese swordsman Miyamoto Musashi who supposedly stood under freezing cold waterfalls to steel his discipline. Probably not every night. 

Or I can visualize plunging into cold, ocean surf.

Another way of looking at it is from a mindfulness practice perspective. Living life we habituate ourselves for most part to gravitate towards comfort and avoid unpleasantness as much as we can. Yet according to the Tibetan Book of the Dead that attitude may help keep people in the cycle of death and rebirth. In particular during the second death bardo, the bardo of "reality", it is said we are faced with bright, bedazzling, blinding apparitions of colored lights so intense as to be fairly characterized as terrifying, but if we recognize them as the nature of our own minds, that can lead to enlightenment (whatever that means). However if we fear the lights and flee from them (downwards) towards comforting dull lights, we are running towards another rebirth in this world of suffering where we have to go through birth, disease, old age and death anew. The dull lights represent various levels of lives we can live, according to our karma. Going for the comforting dull lights is the natural, habitual tendency of the vast majority who have not been introduced to or trained in the bardo death practices.

I find that certainly applicable. My entire life now is all about maintaining a dull comfort and an uneasy, ultimately untenable, stability. The day-to-day conveyor belt is about comfort. Staying close to my bathroom because of gastro issues is about comfort. Recovering from whatever minor disruptions to my daily routine is just about comfort. This is all fine as I consider my life already over. There's nothing I need to do in life, nothing I want to do, so this is my personal version of palliative care as I wait to die. 

No hot water and cold water showers is not in my control. Apparently I'm the only one affected as no one else has called the landlord to complain about it. Unless . . . they're all like me? If they're all like me, who am I to complain? But as long as it's not in my control and is not a wrist-slicing disturbance, apply it as practice. Cold water showers is looking at and facing the blinding bright colored lights and not wanting hot water, which is the dull comforting lights leading back to rebirth. 

On the other hand, it might get old real fast as temperatures continue to decline. And I have to be honest with myself, cold water showers in cold weather suck. However I choose to cope with them, they're annoying, frustrating and remind me of the big joke that is my life (Really? The Universe can't send me cancer or liver failure and instead turns off my hot water? The Universe is #worstlandlordever). 

It's still unknown whether this will be a moderate winter or particularly cold; either which is possible. If the unpleasantness ranges into first world unbearableness, I might have to resort to setting up my space heater to point into the bathroom during showers. I don't know if that'll work, but at least the air will be warmed after shivering under the cold water is over.

It feels like the month-of-July-long heat has "broken" for whatever that's worth. It means walking outside and thinking Oh, this isn't that bad, meaning it doesn't feel like I'm about to spontaneously combust. And that's all it means. It's still wretched hot, but optimistically knowing it could be worse. These are the standards we're working with here.

And my daily-use street bike effectively "broke". Of all things, it was the seat tube that broke near the top where the seat post inserts into the tube. Can't be fixed. It's because I set the seat high like on my road bike to get the most power out of leg extensions (who thinks like that for a clunker bike?). But low-end street bikes aren't constructed like road bikes and setting the seat high basically created a lever point near the top of the tube and after about or over 10 years of pressure on that point, the steel just ripped. This wouldn't have happened if I set the seat lower, I shouldn't wonder. I'd never've thunk it. There must be a metaphor in here somewhere.

I can still ride it standing on the pedals so it still has limited use (alcohol runs to the mega-mart), but it's no longer a comfortably assumed daily-use ride. It means my daily routine has to be re-tooled for not having my own bike and utilizing Taipei's YouBike bike-share. And walking.

Unlike if my computer broke, I'm not even thinking of buying a new bike. This is a permanent disturbance in my dearly-held daily routine, but not a fatal one, just another brick in the wall. I'll try working with it and assess the annoyance factor. But it hints at how fragile I'm treating my life and routine. This isn't going to make me definitively decide to end things, but shows how things can be shaken, and at some point something's gonna change and shake so much that I'll supposedly decide that's it. Everything changes, I'm waiting to see how much change is too much for me, short of funds running out, having to move, losing running water or any number of things that trigger the fack-fackitty-fackaroo.

This kind of bike is commonly used by anyone in Taiwan. I wouldn't be caught dead riding something like this in the U.S., as temptingly intriguing as a sight that might be (the dead part, not the bike part). Note the height of the seat. The seat post doesn't go very far into the seat tube, and every time I grabbed the back of the seat to maneuver the bike manually it put strain at that juncture. If the seat were lower, the pressure would've been more spread out along the tube. 

Detail of the seat tube steel rip. If I grab the seat from the back, the whole thing levers forward and I imagine it wouldn't take much force to just tear it off completely. I've found if I lift the seat from the front to maneuver the bike manually, it's fine. I also found that I could lightly ease myself onto the seat for balance and that's more stable than riding standing on the pedals. I won't try putting my full weight on it anymore, though. 

Oh, thank god I was wrong last week about "summer heat kicking in". We're in a veritable, this-is-no-drill heatwave, government declared with warnings raised island-wide of consecutive days of 100°+ temps and to look out for pets and grandmas in distress. If this was something normal I'd have to say again fack-fackity-fackaroo! Very big NÖPES on the bearable scale. We've already had the hottest day of the year so far and the 2nd hottest day in June ever. Sleep has even been unsettled and I keep the A/C remote next to my pillow along with my stereo remote (I still can't fall asleep without background music, such is the drama in my life).

Something about a stationary front off the north coast of Taiwan locking in hot weather for the rest of the week with developing moisture allowing for possible afternoon showers. Oh, and I misspoke about daily afternoon squalls related to the plum rains. Plum rains are just copious and unpredictable through May and June. Daily afternoon squalls are regular summer patterns in some years. Afternoon rain could mean respite, but in a heatwave it might mean humidity to clear all plans and find some place air-conditioned and hunker down. Humidity to hope for a CCP virus outbreak that sends the country into lockdown just to sit in front of A/C or a fan all day. The worst is when it rains in the morning during the summer but then the sun comes out and all the water on the ground evaporates into a 10-foot thick invisible pall of humidity that just hangs over the ground.

There was an annular solar eclipse this past Sunday during the heatwave-when-I-didn't-know-yet-it-was-a-heatwave that wound its way from Africa all the way to the Pacific O ending after crossing Taiwan. My brother actually sent me an email last month before I knew anything about it, but it turned out to be a southern Taiwan event. As small an island as Taiwan is, journeying to the south from Taipei still requires logistics and planning beyond the scope of my daily life. Although I didn't expect anything in Taipei, right when annularity occurred I just happened to be in a store looking out glass panes and noted that it looked like I was looking through tinted glass. Then I realized I was looking out an open door and it was an eerie darkness outside with sunshine and shadows still clearly delineated. I stepped outside for the few minutes it lasted. Other people had also noticed and had their phones out as well as cars with automatic headlights that turned on. I'm not sure what to make of it. Was it a partial eclipse in Taipei that wasn't covered anywhere in the news? The sun was bright in the sky, but on the ground everything darkened for just a few minutes. It must have been a partial eclipse, otherwise there should've been no effect at all. Such are my powers of logic.

Summer heat has officially kicked in and the early hints suggest it's gonna be another ridiculously blazing hell hot summer. I managed to not turn on the air conditioner until June. By then I was already suffering the heat at times, and even then I'd only turn it on for short periods to take off the edge. And that's what I've been doing until today – I'd reach a point of misery that I felt justified in turning it on for 15-20 minutes.

Today was the first day of summer pattern air con usage whereby I turn it on and set the timer for an hour. I'll still usually turn it off before the hour is up, and that will be sufficient for the next hour or two until I fire it up and repeat the process, balancing comfort with saving energy. Again, I remind myself how lucky I am to have air conditioning and the liberty to turn it on at will, which may be why I also try to show restraint.

I look at the 10-day forecast and note that the plum rains with their daily (but unpredictable) afternoon squalls are probably done and the stretch of clear, sunny days and roasting temperatures are just plain scary (every day highs in the high 90°s (feels like over 110°) and no lows below 80°). I'll need to be wary of heat-related health issues when I'm out and put a strict limit on the radius I can ride my bike to go anywhere, beyond which I have to take public transpo. I need to activate the app in my brain to recognize when I need to take a hydration stop at a convenient store to avoid getting into trouble. This is all very obvious to regular people possessing "intelligence", but I like living on the edge, surprised I haven't fallen off of it.

Taiwan has reached 56 days without any domestic spread of the CCP virus. That's four consecutive 14-day quarantine periods, eight weeks, without any domestic cases. A single quarantine period was deemed sufficient for any cases of the CCP virus to manifest, although a further 7 days of self-health monitoring was recommended to be sure. So after four quarantine periods, who is there in the population that may unknowingly have it and could still be spreading it? Logic and the numbers, admittedly I'm weak at both, should indicate ZERO. There is no one in the general population who has it, so no one can spread it. With no one to spread it, no one can catch it, such are my powers of logic.

Theoretically, ALL restrictions across the board could be immediately dropped and people can fully return to life as normal. Where would a new case come from? Only from abroad, and indeed the only new cases have been returnees, and in the past 56 days I think they were all caught during the mandatory 14-day quarantine upon arrival and isolated for treatment.

I just gotta say, DAMN Taiwanese are a patient lot! In some countries which have pampered and privileged portions of their populations, people would have revolted after one quarantine period with zero cases of domestic spread. Of course Taiwan never went into lockdown and restrictions haven't been too onerous. I think people were just so grateful to avoid the suffering the CCP unleashed upon the rest of the world that they were willing to put up with the meager restrictions beyond what logic dictates. And if government action has kept us safe, might as well keep listening to them.

And as promised, the government has loosened many restrictions after 56 days of no domestic spread. Practically speaking, not ALL "restrictions" across the board are being dropped. The fact that many parts of the world are still grappling with the pandemic makes it wise and acceptable to maintain baseline disciplines and vigilance. Social distancing, mask wearing and proper hygiene are still strongly encouraged. I'm good with hygiene. I take a shower once a week whether I need it or not.

I was in a grocery store walking down an aisle when I saw a baby shoe on the floor. A parent must have come into the store with an infant child and at some point the baby lost its satin shoe. I didn't know how long the shoe had been there, as far as I knew the parent was long gone. I wasn't about to go out of my way for something that could be nothing. 

But it was a small-medium sized grocery store, not a mega-mart or even a U.S.-size grocery store. I figured it wouldn't be going out of my way to do a scan of the aisles to look for any candidates for babies who may have lost a shoe. I noted what number aisle it was and went to the front of the store where the cashiers were and planned to walk the breadth of the store looking down the aisles to see if there were any parents with a small child.

But just as I got to the front of the store, I spotted a mother with a stroller who had already gone through the cashier and was heading out but was rummaging through the stroller looking for something. A quick glance at the baby's foot confirmed this was the baby with a missing shoe and the mother was looking for it. I got her attention somehow, mind you I was listening to music and was wearing a mask and a baseball cap so I hope I didn't look scary or crazy, and indicated for her to wait and quick-stepped down the aisle where the shoe was, retrieved it and handed it off to her and disappeared back to my browsing as quick as possible. 

I don't doubt for a second she was grateful, but didn't need to feel any personal gratitude from her. I wasn't doing her a favor, I wasn't doing any good deed. The way I saw it was here was this mother with a mystery, an unknown. It could have been my cousin at one point, it could've been my sister-in-law. Where is the shoe? The baby has one shoe, but it had another shoe, where was it? I on another hand knew the answer to the mystery. I knew where the shoe was, I had just seen it. She could backtrack her way through the store and eventually find it if it was important enough or just chalk it up as a loss (from my experience it's important enough), but I knew exactly where it was. All I did was put a mystery together with the solution in the most efficient way possible. I just shared information.

In what for me would be an ideal scenario is that she would've gone home and later that evening told her husband or other family member or friend what a great country we live in. Where people look out for each other and do selfless, considerate things out of nowhere. I don't want to gloss Taiwan over, we have our share of shit-fuck assholes and lord knows I've probably been one or felt like one or perceived as one at times, but I do know what I did wasn't an isolated incident. There is a lot more civic-mindedness than not here, which I feel has been emphasized lately by the successful response to the CCP pandemic.

It's already blazing hot in Taiwan. If it's this hot now, what's it gonna be like in July and August?! However, vloggers in Seoul are mentioning that it's also summer hot there, so it may just be a regional weather system that's nothing out of the norm. I haven't turned on my air-con yet, which I only do when I'm confident it's a daily necessity, so I'm counting on a few more 80 degree days or weeks before summer really hits in all its glorious 90s-feels-like-100s misery. Is it strange to consider 80-degree range temps as being cool and refreshing? Foreshadowing the future? New normal? I'm so glad I don't have kids whose future I would be worried about after I'm gone; preventable misery and suffering caused by humanity's stupidity, short-sightedness and greed.

I used to love hot weather when I was younger, so getting tapped out by this heat is . . . a change?, not unlike becoming a wimp about pain and blood becoming a cause for immediate attention with band-aids and ointment like a 6-year-old (again I ask what happened to me?). And a bottom-line consideration is how it affects quality of life and when and whether quality of life goes below the fack-fackitty-fackaroo level and makes continuing on not worth it. That can't be determined until I turn on the damn A/C, which might make things tolerable? It's so pathetic what my quality of life is dependent upon, but also emphasizes that my current quality of life standard is subjectively pretty bare bones. I'm flying right at the edge of what I think is tolerable, which is just getting day-to-day with as little turbulence as possible. On one hand I have no idea how low I can go, but on the other maybe just one little change will be determinate. I just don't know.

In March, I found out that the last injection into my bank account did actually go through, it just took a lot longer than expected. Usually it took a month, but this time they said it would take two months, but in actuality it took four months. And in that period of time when I thought it wasn't going to go through, I was able to get into a mindset to prepare for end-of-life looming. So when I found I have funds to last until October, I was already assuming I wouldn't be going to the bank anymore; good riddance to that always-sucky experience. Furthermore, if it's taking four months now, I would have to go to the bank in June to extend beyond October. Meaning I'd have to decide to do something soon to affect something that wouldn't matter until October.

None of any of this means anything; any future projection is just fortune-telling. The best assumption is that I'll just do what I do based on past pattern, meaning I will go to the bank in June and hope banks in the U.S. are functioning during the CCP pandemic. I'll keep merrily rolling along as long as I'm able until I'm unable, despite how stupid and pathetic my existence is. I still maintain, though, that it's not worthless. I have had hints that when the shit hits the fan, when I'm finally really faced with my personal end-game, that I will be able to let go and unravel my neurotic attachments, inhibitions and aversions and that it will be liberating, despite how much I seemed to cling to them while they were there here. Once they're gone, I'm out and don't hold on to anything because that's what I mentally cultivated, and that is the greatest comfort I could possibly hope for.

Hm. I guess this is a follow-up to my previous post. I responded to my former Mandarin teacher and we met up for an afternoon at a Starbucks. We met wearing masks, but abandoned them once we sat down. Seating is restricted in public places with seats marked off as not to be used to enforce social distancing, but we managed to snag a table just as other people were leaving. We discussed the current CCP virus situation and compared notes and she was impressed by how on top of the information I was, which gave me reassurance that the English-language news I'm getting is accurately mirroring what's in the Taiwanese press. And actually most English-language news is merely translated from local reports; they mostly don't have their own reporters in the field. 

We reflected on how we're in one of the safest places to be in the world, thanks to quick thinking and action by the government and fundamental mistrust of anything the Chinese Communist Party says (assumption that they're lying is just as fundamental as any intelligent American assuming Trump has no idea what he's talking about or doing (ironically, except about China)). One thing Taiwan is missing out on is reports of cleaner air and waterways and nature re-asserting itself once disruptive human activity is curtailed. Our traffic, noise and air pollution is for most part the same as usual.

We agreed that the government hasn't been absolutely 100% PERFECT with two slip-ups that could've gotten out of control and we were just lucky they didn't. In early April, Taiwan has a tomb-sweeping holiday where people are supposed to go to the graves of their ancestors and clean them up and pay respects (remembering both where you came from and where you're going, maybe). Social distancing went out the door and the government wasn't fervent enough about telling people to be vigilant and there was a public worry that asymptomatic cases could have been spread during all that contact.

The second was a navy vessel returning from a mission and it turned out there was an outbreak onboard with sailors allowed into the general population without proper quarantine upon arrival. The government quickly gathered information on all the places every sailor went throughout the country and created a map of hotspots that they released to the public, informing them if they had been at those places at certain times, they needed to monitor their health for any sign of the CCP virus. Every contact that any of the sailors had, numbering in the thousands, were contacted and instructed to self-quarantine. As the military should have heightened responsibility, appropriate reprimands were issued (actually I think the defense minister requested to be reprimanded).

To date, only sailors aboard the ship have been confirmed with the CCP virus, 31 in all bumping the total number of cases in Taiwan to 429. Since no one in the general public appears to have contracted it from them, I consider the navy case a closed system, and the number of cases in Taiwan to reasonably be considered 398, under an artificial benchmark of 400. 

I mentioned I didn't expect to hear from my sister-in-law until next year, but she sent one of her usual emails and it was substantive enough that it will take several months for me to respond, putting our correspondence back on its twice-a-year schedule.

And out of the blue, my second oldest brother, the one who seems to want nothing to do with us, or me at least, but will act appropriately when he has to, sent me a YouTube video that his son made of himself playing a violin trio by/with himself. My brother had mentioned he was learning bassoon, but never mentioned violin. I will respond appropriately with genuine praise and appreciation of the performance, but what may be interesting is this is the first time anyone has shown interest in me showing interest in the kids. Obviously if I show no interest in the kids, I have no right to complain about any of their lack of communication with me. Their kids are their lives, and if I show no interest in the kids, I don't deserve any attention. 

Before this, neither of my brothers or the aforesaid sister-in-law nor my cousin Audrey have tried to interest or prompt me about their children. Quite the opposite, whereas parents would seem to want to brag about their kids and involve relatives in their lives, I've gotten nothing from them about their kids. Audrey is especially egregious since she knows how much I love her children, but they've totally forgotten who I am and the last time I saw them they couldn't even acknowledge having known me. It isn't missed on me that no one has provided updates on the kids for me to respond to. Or it may be me. Similar to how I've given the impression to people I know in Taipei that I don't want to hang out, I may have projected to them that I have no interest in their kids, even though I've always responded to any news they gave about them. Bottom line, I'm not complaining, no fault to them. Things just are as they are, and of course there's my credo not to be something to someone and then disappear, which is my perpetual end-game. 

Finally, what I said about that French guy, I recently discovered a place selling Vietnamese banh mi sandwiches. Vietnam, of course, was once a French colony and banh mi sandwiches famously use French bread and the quality of the sandwich depends on the quality of the bread (i.e., requires a French person's seal of approval). I know my friend appreciates banh mi so I shot him an out-of-the-blue email about the place and he responded that he would be going there the next day with his family, describing his infant daughter as a French bread monster. He suggested meeting up for lunch sometime soon, and per what I said in my last post, I guess I have to accept.

I finally bought a face mask. Nobody cared once I started wearing the mask. It's not the kind being rationed and people are lining up for out the doors of national health-affiliated pharmacies when "apps" tell them they're available. Not surgical nor "PPE", but the kind that folk all around Asia wore regularly pre-CCP virus because of pollution that are sold at any convenience store. I figured those all would have been bought up so I didn't even look, but I started spotting them and figured better than nothing and bought one.

Good timing, too, as the government just announced that face masks are now required on all public transportation. It was a bit of a surprise announcement because Taiwan is still not that bad off. As of April 1, face masks were required on the High Speed Rail and the TRA national rail system, but originally the government was considering requiring face masks on all Taipei buses and the MRT on April 9 when it was forecast that Taiwan's supply of face masks would allow for people to buy 9 masks every 14 days.

I'm not sure why they suddenly decided to require face masks on public transpo and pushing "social distancing" more aggressively, but it's not a bad idea. On one hand, I don't think it's necessarily necessary. Our numbers don't really require it. All cases are still being traced and monitored and most are imported cases that are being discovered in quarantine. New domestic cases have mostly been able to be traced to contact with previously identified cases, so the threat of community spread is still low, albeit as present as anywhere in the world.

On the other hand I think it's a good idea just to keep people from getting complacent about Taiwan's success in slowing the spread. I've felt that going out in the past week. We have it under control, the danger is very low, I don't need to worry about it. But measures like this might be a reasonable, psychological way of keeping people vigilant that there's always a danger. I heard that South Korea also had the CCP virus contained early on, but then it took a single person, "patient 31", who belonged to a Christian cult that ignored the threat and precautions and sparked a spread that went out of control and infected thousands. No one can say that can't happen in Taiwan if we let our guard down, not just the government but the people.

Some western reporting on Taiwan's response (slightly outdated in terms of numbers, currently we have 355 cases, 5 deaths and 50 recovered and discharged):

There was also one by the BBC, but no one trusts the BBC (I meant that as a joke based on the satire Broadway show The Producers, but then).

My primary news sources are China in Focus and the far more snarkier and sarcastic China Uncensored. I've been trying to watch NBC Nightly News, but I've found their worldview to be annoyingly micro and emotional, and if that's the kind of news Americans are getting, it's woefully insulated and deflecting from the larger, global view. Yes, stories about the front-line medical health care workers is worthy, but . . . after a while I just find myself forward arrow skipping through most of it. And I'm already streaming at 1.75x speed to save time.

I was somewhat shocked when I saw the "L"-word in the headline of a local news story, some doctor calling for a total lockdown based on his assessment of how easily Taiwan's medical facilities could be overwhelmed if the CCP virus starts spreading here. My estimate is that's probably 75% irresponsible, alarmist bullshit and 25% legitimate warning for Taiwan to keep an eye on its resources and preparedness and beefing up our weaknesses. Actually, I think we're currently still in a comfortable enough position where I think we would be able to set up a task force just to do that as a smart thing to do (Come on, President Tsai, get with the program*) (edit: The government announced on April 7 that they were doing pretty much exactly this).

Calling for a lockdown is akin to calling for an economic shutdown, and looking at places where lockdowns have been warranted and implemented, their economies are being devastated. True, epidemics spread when people move, but when people stop moving, so does business. I haven't heard of any assessment of Taiwan's economic ability to handle an economic shutdown, but the prospects can't be good. Lockdowns are a last-ditch, desperate measure to fight a manifest threat. They shouldn't be used as a preventative measure when they aren't absolutely necessary. Bills need to be paid, money still needs to be moved, products still need to be consumed.

Currently, business is still going on in Taiwan, albeit not-quite-as-usual. People themselves seem to be refraining from "moving" if they don't need to and I've observed generally less people and traffic about. But people and cars are about and buses still running. Streets, parks and playgrounds aren't deserted. I still think about 60% of people wear masks out in public, and my personal opinion is that fewer actually need to, and "social distancing" isn't a mandate but only practiced when noticed and convenient. Higher mask-wearing percentages are observable on public transportation, work places and service businesses.

The mayors of Taipei and surrounding New Taipei City have both stated that lockdown procedures are coordinated and in place if ordered, although I imagine Taipei's mayor is getting excited in the groinal area at the thought of a lockdown as he's an authoritarian, control-freak moron. It would be the ultimate hard-wank for him to put Taipei on lockdown, but it's good, I suppose, that they have a plan. 

Me? I . . . actually don't know what a lockdown means or how I would be affected. I might be totally screwed. My main concerns are, of course, food and alcohol; being able to get out for food and alcohol and stores being open to get food and alcohol. Hopefully, it would be like the U.S. where essential businesses (including liquor stores!) would be allowed to stay open and I think convenient stores in Taiwan qualify. Hypermarts may qualify, which would be good. OR lockdown can mean more sitting meditation and less of this neurotic scanning the news for updates how things are going. Come to think of it, I should welcome an alcohol supply cutoff. 

* Just a joke. President Tsai's administration has been getting stunningly high approval ratings in regard to handling the CCP virus and mainland China. They didn't always get high ratings as it suffered some hiccups early on, most notably from a progressive, worker-friendly change to labor laws that didn't take into account the far-reaching effects that sent ripples of chaos and uncertainty down the supply chain. Some industries just don't work the way the law demanded, and many of the workers the law was supposed to protect were actually disadvantaged. There was a lot of backtracking (and face-palming) in the wake of that fiasco.