I've been looking for that passage from one of my Theravadan Buddhist books I mentioned about alcoholism being about chasing a sensation. I found something close*, but it was about addiction and didn't use the word "chase", which was key to me. I'm starting to wonder if that actually might be the passage, and what I found so inspirational was how I formed it for myself in my mind. I'll keep looking, I don't think it was an inspired idea but a direct read.

That "chase" is important as a mental concept because it emphasizes the willful pursuit aspect of alcoholism. I know alcoholism is now considered an insidious and complex illness that requires treatment, but that's not my field and I don't know anything about it. From a mindfulness practice aspect for my purposes, it's filtering all that out and focusing on the chase, the willful pursuit in the moment.

I've been applying mindfulness practice to drinking to locate that sensation, that breaking point where the lure of another shot and another shot becomes irresistible. It isn't there at the first drink. It takes a few drinks for it to appear, and mind you I sip through shots; about four sips a shot. It's been years since I've shot my liquor, well-named I daresay, brutal and violent. Fuh yuh uh quick. Sipping shots is more demure and dâinty. That's me.🌷

That actually does help with the mindfulness because it spreads out or breaks the effect into increments, and the first indication that the chase sensation is kicking in is when the time interval between sips noticeably shortens. Resistance falters and that's when I mark the sensation and I know if I let go and cross the threshold I'll officially be chasing the sensation, sliding down the slippery slope. It manifests in manifold ways that I won't get into, but needless to say involves more alcohol intake/sensation chasing until I either brush my teeth and go to sleep or get out of my apartment for the day, both of which likely involve final "one for the road" drinks to satisfy the sensation, but is usually never a good thing. OR I mark the sensation and mindfully remind myself that to continue leads to "feeling bad", and if I heed that I can then stop. 

I'm also trying to force myself back onto the buying-a-bottle-every-three-days schedule, instead of every other day. I'm not trying to stop, I don't care about that. If I'm drinking enough to be considered alcoholic, yippy-da-doo-day. I'm just trying to manage a schedule to avoid feeling like crap, whatever that means. I know it when I feel it. So I've saved two empty bottles and when I buy a bottle, I dole the fifth into thirds and those are roughly the three days portions. Imagine my horror when I saw how little that is. I felt I could chug that and still see straight. But it's only a guideline serving restraint, a self-warning. Buying a bottle every three days never meant that's all I drank. That's why I have a tiered system of reserve bottles, because I always finished a bottle by or on the third day and dipped into the reserve bottle. It's anal, neurotic alcoholism.

* An addict takes a drug because he wishes to experience the pleasurable sensation that the drug produces in him, even though he knows that by taking the drug he reinforces his addiction. In the same way we are addicted to the condition of craving. As soon as one desire is satisfied, we generate another. The object is secondary; the fact is that we seek to maintain the state of craving continually, because this very craving produces in us a pleasurable sensation that we wish to prolong. Craving becomes a habit that we cannot break, an addiction. And just as an addict gradually develops tolerance towards his chosen drug and requires ever larger doses in order to achieve intoxication, our cravings steadily become stronger the more we seek to fulfill them. In this way we can never come to the end of craving. And so long as we crave, we can never be happy. - The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation as taught by S.N. Goenka, William Hart, p. 46.

This passage is more about the dharma view of craving as an affliction, which applies just as much to shopping, rather than the affliction of sensations we chase, pleasurable or not, such as alcohol.

Not sure what this post is going to say about me. About how much of an out-of-touch Luddite I am? About how something so petty can change my life (I'm a simple person)?

My "life changing" experience was watching someone's vlog that was sponsored by Samsung Galaxy Buds and subsequently discovering that my laptop is a Bluetooth device. I was just watching the vlog thinking the Galaxy Buds have nothing to do with me since I don't have a "smart" phone, but then there was a portion where she was at a schedule using them without a smartphone in sight, but working on a laptop. The light bulb above my head flickered slightly as it dawned on me that if my laptop has Bluetooth, then wireless ear buds could be really, really useful. 

That set me off searching for what Bluetooth capabilities my laptop has, and the clincher was realizing that I do have a Bluetooth device in my room. Years ago, I bought a Jawbone Mini Jambox speaker which has Bluetooth, but that wasn't what I bought it for so it didn't apply. I've had it on my nightstand for when I was ensconced in insomnia and could listen to CDs with my 90s-era Sony CD Walkman plugged into them via a "cable". But I went through the steps to "pair" the speaker with my computer (working the lingo) and voilà! For me (Luddite) it was like a miracle! Music playing on my laptop over here is coming out of speaker way over there with nothing connecting them! I would've become Christian if Jesus demonstrated it to me. The benefits and applications of Bluetooth earbuds skyrocketed (the flickering light bulb over my head turned into an exclamation mark)! And that, my friends, is how in 2019 I entered the 21st Century. 

Of course, the easiest thing to do would've been to go out and buy a set of Galaxy Buds, but they're expensive, equal to my Sennheiser Momentum earbuds whose cables are veritably melting in Taiwan's heat after a year and a half of extensive daily usage. I shop around, try to do "research" (those are non-sarcastic quotation marks), but find that there are so many Bluetooth earbuds on the market (I had no idea) that I end up confounded. The brands and models in stores in Taiwan don't match brands and models reviewed online, and even though I can go for a cheaper product, I don't want to end up with something that doesn't sound decent (like my purchase of cheaper Audio-Technica earbuds which I found to be sub-par and led me to immediately buy said Sennheisers, budget be damned). The Galaxy Buds' sound quality is touted by reviewers.

Within two days of watching the vlog, I shell out US$150 for the Galaxy Buds and there are pros and cons, but pros are amazing and the cons I just have to adjust to. I don't have to decide when I want to listen to something through speakers and when to tether myself with earbud cables to listen. Now everything I listen to on laptop is untethered and I can get up and go about while listening. Actually it was mostly K-pop music show videos that I listened through earbuds, so since watching was involved I had to stand no more than three or four feet from my TV screen. Now I'm free. The even greater advantage is no sound degradation from the constant fan/air conditioner during hot weather. It's something I just had to deal with before, but when cooler weather arrove and the fan/aircon turned off, it was always dismaying how much sound I was missing in the electronics/wind drone and I had just spent however many months listening like that.

Anyway, now I have to exercise discipline with expenditures. Zero temptation to replace my Sennheisers unless the cords disintegrate and wrapping exposed wire with electrical tape is untenable. Or if they completely fritz out, but fortunately they're still going strong and sound fine, great. The Galaxy Buds are just as good as far as my ears can tell. And good thing I'm done with replacing my wardrobe for most part. I have my old shirts piled up for recycling, and looking at them I can't believe I wore them for so long. Yuck, really. All my new shirts are pretty plain and nondescript, just new. Still mostly light fabric, short sleeve, button-down shirts. Unlike my old shirts, these are mostly darker solid colors, no patterns. Everything I bought, including sleeveless and t-shirts, needed to have a front pocket for my iPod Shuffle.

I think people might like the idea of needing to replace their wardrobe, not just as a matter of vanity. I won't go so far as to say it was a bother, but like I've said, I have no idea about clothes or fashion or what 'looks good', so I won't say it was fun. I'm all about comfort and ease and taking into consideration my primary form of transportation is bike. In summer months, there's nothing comfortable or easy about riding a bike to get around. It's just HOT. Can't care how I look. Fortunately, in Taiwan people might appreciate if you dress well, but otherwise no one cares how you dress. 

Mindfully paying attention to my drinking, I confirm it has ticked up. Not sure how I feel about it, I don't want to overreact. On one hand, it's bad. It does feel bad and I'm not sure I can do anything to reduce it; i.e., not sure I have the motivation to reduce it. On the other hand, that's just what my drinking does. It waxes and wanes. Sometimes I drink more, sometimes I drink less. I'm drinking more now, in time I'll drink less, attsamattafayou.

I do feel it. Mind gets taxed, bodily feel bad, wiped out after drying out. Where I'll draw the line is if intestinal problems return. That's weird. So that's where feeling bad bottoms out? I can accept all those "higher levels" of feeling bad? It's still feeling bad, but I can accept it? This conundrum may be an example of what some Buddhist teachers describe as the burning mental fires. The best said example is that when kids accidentally put their hand in a fire, they learn their lesson and never do it again. But as adults, we're constantly burning our minds doing painful and harmful things, but sometimes we never learn our lesson. So this is exactly an issue Buddhism deals with and somewhere I've missed a memo and need to focus on and figure out.

There's a passage in one of my Theravadan Buddhism books that I'm trying to look up about alcoholism being about chasing a sensation. Identifying and viewing the effects of alcohol as a sensation we're chasing resonated as something that could be helpful. It becomes fodder for analysis and mindfulness practice. What is the sensation? Why am I chasing it? Why is it so hard to resist one more drink, and then one more and then one more? I totally get that part about the sensation. There are times when I'm getting ready to go out and I worry that I don't have that sensation, that feeling that . . . it's not that I'm not drunk enough to go out, but I want to have drunk enough to have that sensation before going out.

Maybe I'm just splitting hairs and what I'm describing and analyzing is that I'm just like any other stumbling, slurring alcoholic. I can go on and on about this and in the end, someone will say 'get in line, yer just another drunk'. 

Oh, and I looked up what I mentioned about my skin itching and welting and it is a thing called dermatographia, skin writing. The article describes it exactly  down to not seeking medical attention because it doesn't seem too bad and goes away soon. The only thing it doesn't mention is cortizone cream as a topical treatment. The article mentions that it is triggered in some people by "infections, emotional upset or medications such as penicillin". I don't think I've had an infection in decades, nor medications. Emotional upset it is, lol! Bottom line, doctors don't know what it is. Story of my life.

I felt an itch on my left palm. An odd place for an itch, I thought. When I instinctively scratched it, it wasn't pleasant. It was a little pins-and-needles painful, and I immediately applied mindfulness practice to not scratch it. Scratching an itch is supposed to be pleasant. It's supposed to give relief to an irritation.

For as long as I can remember, I've always had skin particularly sensitive to scratching. Scratching caused my skin to welt, and there wasn't relief, just more itch to scratch. Before mindfulness practice, there were times I would mindlessly scratch until my entire back and arms would be red and welted. Horrific as it looked for anyone who saw it, I never considered it significant and never sought out what was going on medically. Applying mindfulness practice, I would concentrate on the sensation while completely resisting the urge to scratch and just focus on it until it went away. I'd gotten quite good at it. Whenever it reached a point that I knew it wasn't an itch that would get relief from scratching, I stopped and let it go away by itself. In the case I lost patience before it went away, I still have two tubes of Cortizone-10. I can't recall ever having an itch on my palms and can't imagine Cortizone-10 working on it. 

So it was a bit annoying when it started up on my right palm as well. There was redness along my palm lines, but it wasn't so bad that it prevented me from doing anything. I was able to plunk away at a bass for supposed "ear-training" practice just fine. It was enough for me to look it up online afterwards to see if it was a symptom of anything. What jumped out was that a burning sensation on palms was symptomatic of cirrhosis and of course my first thought was, "so this is how it ends". My liver's about to fail. But then I clicked on the link and of all the other symptoms of cirrhosis listed, none really rang a bell. At least none which I consider novel. Insomnia? Pfft, that's so last year. I've already used the joke that I'm of Asian descent, so no one would know if my skin was turning yellow. 

And since, the sensation has also occurred to the soles of my feet, the feet equivalent of the palms! Oooh! It's irritating. It's annoying. It persists. It comes and goes. If I stretch or scrunch my feet or hands, it's exacerbated and I feel it more intensely for a little while. My bathroom slippers are accupressure slippers and that also intensifies the sensation.

I roll my eyes at this. It's my full expectation that this is not a health scare of either cirrhosis or diabetes, another condition where palms may burn, and will disappear in a few days without fanfare. That's the pattern of everything before that seemed like a health scare. I know better now until it turns out to be something different, and I'll deal with that when it becomes something different.

As it is, I've been off bike for a couple weeks because the plum rains have arrived. This coming week appears like there might be ride opportunities with drier weather and only chance showers, so it'll be a day-to-day thing, but I have zero concern the burning on either my palms or soles will prevent. For the record and no one's interest but my own, only one weekday in May so far was dry and even sunny (I don't ride on weekends when there are too many people on the bikeways), but I knew from experience that it was too cool for the bikeways to have dried out, so I didn't ride, and that suited me fine since it was a mad windy day. Windy is unpleasant, but more of just an excuse to not ride. It's alright because it provides resistance training. Wind resistance slowing me down to 11-12 mph is still less than gravity resistance on hills where I go down to 8-10 mph. And going the opposite direction, the wind assist is great. I was once flying at a sustained 27 mph on a flat because of the wind at my back (translation: wheee!).

As for my liver, I feel like I've cut down on drinking, and since August 2017 I have. Back then I think I was buying six bottles a week. Only one day per week that I didn't. But I thought I had cut back to a schedule where I buy a bottle every three days. Maybe I was on that schedule since then, but recently I noticed that I'm back to buying a bottle every other day, with reserve bottles at home for when I run out. I always have two tiers of reserve (three actually, a desperation back line of mini-bottles!) to make sure there's never no alcohol in my apartment. Again, I'm talking liquor, not beer.

I don't feel like I've increased drinking, but that's what the schedule suggests. When I leave my apartment every day, that's a drying out period, as is sleep. But when I wake up or come home, there are hours before I allow myself to start. But somehow in the time that I allow it, it has increased. I don't feel it, but the schedule doesn't lie. But that's alcoholism. Or my brand of it.