There are no words for how much I hate this Asus laptop. I'm not a computer person. I don't know the first thing about computers. Maybe a computer person could fix the things I have gripes about in 15 minutes, but I'm just an ordinary person who wants to be able to take a laptop out of the box and have the very basics work competently, if not flawlessly.

I used a Compaq laptop running Windows XP for 6 years with a hard drive upgrade after 4.5 of those years. When it finally died completely I bought this Asus K42J running Windows 7, and it's just loaded to the rafters with annoyances and inconveniences that someone in the developed world buying a brand new laptop shouldn't have to deal with.

Again, I can't really say anything since I don't know what the source of the problem is because I don't know computers. But if you also don't know computers and couldn't figure out a load of annoying behaviors if your computer displays them, then I would blanket stay away from Asus computers, if not all Taiwanese computers. Apparently they are good computer companies with good reputations, but if you don't know about computers and want to avoid frustration, look at other companies first. From one user's experience, I will be looking into getting rid of this in the long run and Asus gets the big donkey shaft from me.

I've been trying to email my brother for a while but it's the same as this blog, I open the draft and I got nothing. I just have nothing to say, nothing to express. That's not a negative statement. I'm just stuck. I'm not moving forward. But moving forward requires one thing first – next attempt. If the attempt fails, then I'll have to face whatever's next and presumably I'll have found whatever energy is required to go there.

I'm not sure "energy" is the right word there. Desperation maybe. And that is negative. But it's a numb desperation. Like when I left San Francisco after that attempt. I failed, plans to leave were already rolling so I just had to do it. Remembering that and the futility of everything since then points to how I really don't want to fail in the next attempt. It's what I hope to remind myself if I'm standing on the edge and having doubts whether this is going to happen or not.

My path has led me to this point and everything is in place again for a good attempt. What it boils down to is the only reason why I might balk is ego-attachment. This attachment to ME. I'M here. There is no 'no ME'. The universe is here because I'M here. Intellectually that's ridiculous, but perhaps here is where I'm really faced with my attachment to self, which is possibly the biggest obstacle towards true understanding, or liberation, or enlightenment. 

It's all process. Maybe what I'm doing can be described as balking, but maybe I'm just waiting for this understanding to ripen. I go back to what I've posted in the past few years and I have no idea what all that was about. It was process. There were a lot of things I was uncomfortable about regarding negativity that I was processing, and I think there was some degree of success there in that I can't relate to those posts at all now. Even though the karmic imprint is still recognizable, it's not an issue anymore.

And I go back to posts from way long ago, and I feel that this entire blog is unnecessary and irrelevant. But it's so irrelevant that it's not even worth deleting or making private. It's just what it was. I remember at one point in college, a few of my angsty and dramatic dormmates and I decided to ritually burn all our journals up to that point. But even in doing that there was a sense of self-importance. Even throwing our past thoughts and record into the fireplace was a big statement to ourselves. It was something worth it to us to burn it.

The value of maintaining this blog, or discontinuing it, or deleting it, is just . . . not. Nothing. And even that is fierce ego-clinging.

I've even gotten bored of blogging. Actually, a blog I was following and inspired by became private and blocked and I think that may be a reason I haven't felt like writing anything here. That blog made me want to get more stuff out earlier this year, although that mostly meant a lot more random nothing posts.

I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I sorta do. It was a slap in the face after turning the other cheek after the last post before going private, which was a slap in the face to her readership. She sounded like she was starting to melt down anyway, so maybe it's all for the better. 

Oh well, easy come, easy go. Little high, little low. Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me. Tooo meeee. I can stop pretending and get back to my next attempt, which isn't forthcoming but I'm still convinced it's imminent.

My boredom of things I used to be passionate about has been systematic and feels like it's a part of my dying process. I have been dying slowly all along and this boredom may be a sign that it's seriously speeding up. The big thing was a few months ago when I realized I could no longer consider myself a musician. Part of me really felt like it had died. It was something alive or a life energy for my identity or something and then it was gone. And it's not the technique, the being able to pick up an instrument and make a joyful noise. It's still in my hands, but it's gone out of my heart. I get bored quick every time I try now.

My bike hasn't left the apartment for months. Every time I think of it, I just feel a withering emptiness. Physical activity used to represent survival. My mantra to keep going when I was suffering while running was, "you don't stop", á là rap records from the late 80s/early 90s.

My appetite's gone, too. I can only eat one modest meal a day and sometimes I'm not even hungry when I do. Also a lot of things I used to like aren't all that appealing anymore. A lot of this sounds like depression and I'm not going to try to refute that. It may be so. It may be a necessary part of the dying process when the death is a projected suicide. It's a prognosis. Even though depression is not a reason for suicide for me, the symptoms of it may be a necessary part of getting to it. Anyone wanna study me yet?

Morrie was a dying man. Truth to tell, a lot of the insights he offered as he was dying I felt were old hat to me. I think maybe because my goal of suicide means facing my mortality as a dying person would. My life has been a prolonged dying process. At least a facsimile. Truth to tell, I also thought that Morrie's insights would largely fall on deaf ears, despite maybe millions of people being touched by his story. He's right, but they're just pretty expressions about life that don't have any meaningful, long-term effect until you're finally in that position yourself. I hope I'm wrong about that.

Like a dying process, every day is pretty hard for me. Every day is a waste and each wasted day makes it even harder. Aside from watching Korean TV shows, I've been doing a lot of catching up and cramming of Tibetan death theory not only to review, but to see if I can eke out one little bit morsel of insight into what I believe. I'm actually pretty confident about my level of preparedness because when I think about the question of my confidence, there's no other way for me to be. I am what I am and I know what I know. I don't doubt, I'm not afraid.

I run through the trainings, visualizations and meditations and work on insight into the nature of mind and consciousness in a state where there are no physical senses to feed sensory perception for the mind to form concepts, and no physical brain structure to organize the information into the cohesive, ordinary reality we experience every day.

I reject the idea that if there is anything after death, that our consciousness and perception is just like it is when we're alive. Once the physical structures are dead, whatever intangible essence of what we naturally are is unleashed in what I imagine to be quite a storm. But it's a storm that can be prepared for á là the Tibetan teachings and theory.

And if I fail at the attempt? I said before that it looks bad, and it still looks bad. But I'll probably have to decide to head back to New Jersey. New Jersey where my parents will no doubt continue to test my mindfulness training. The optimist in me tells me that I can participate in raising my nephews and nieces and help avoid them getting screwed up. It also sounds like both of my brothers are having issues now. So the sooner this next attempt, the better.

Maybe I should enter a doctoral program in psychiatry and study myself for my thesis.

Not a dry eye in the house. The last section of the last episode of Invincible Youth.

It was hard when three of the original members left in episode 32, but this was the end of the series, after only one season – a little over a year, starting in autumn 2009 and ending in December 2010. The TV company has said that it wants to continue the series, but since then there hasn't been any news of a second season.

One of the reasons I love this show is because it shows transition and transformation. It shows growth that is part of the natural cycle in our lives. If we don't grow, if we don't learn, if we don't challenge ourselves, then what the hell are we doing? I don't think there are many variety/reality shows that express that.

It's no surprise the TV company hasn't been able to start a second season, ostensibly with a new group of 7 girl group members. This program was unique and special and it demanded a lot from its participants. There aren't a lot of members of K-pop girl groups that can put this sort of commitment to a TV series now, despite the personal and emotional rewards.

It impresses me how hard celebrities have to work in the South Korean entertainment industry. If celebrities in the West can be viewed as pampered (being valued for their talent), South Korean celebrities might be viewed as slave labor (being valued for their dedication and training).

These girls and the hosts had to devote a day or more of hard labor and entertainment each week to the filming of this show, and still had to maintain their schedules of recording and promotion by their respective groups. And no matter how tired they were from this show, they still had to perform during their promotions.

I'm glad to have come across this show. It has a lot of heart and embodies many values that I also hold dear. It also pinpoints values that we should also value, such as organic farming and community, and that the survival of the human species depends on these things.