I'm still considering the effect Sadie has had by coming here. Really, there should be none. Really, there inevitably is.

So far we've been maintaining communications more frequently than before, but her way of communicating has become totally foreign to me. Before, we had normal email communications, albeit at times a lot of time would pass between them. Not abnormal.

"Normal" communications being something letter like. You write about something, they respond and bring up some other thing, you respond. Her communications are more often a barrage of scattershot, in-the-moment snippets that I can't even tell if I'm supposed to respond or not. A lot of questions I ask go unanswered. We do not communicate in the same way over long-distance.

It's not the connection like we had when together, either here or over nine years ago in San Francisco. But this all makes sense, because we're not supposed to be trying to "connect" any more than we just generally do. We had a moment, and it was a special moment, but certain fundamentals remain the same. Striving for some connection or even substance between us different from what we always have been is silly.

And as my lifestyle has sunk back into its morass (unfortunately not more ass (sorry, bad obvious joke)), it's gotten even worse, possibly even getting to my physical health. It's hard to tell because my physical health isn't supposed to be that good as I've been trying to sabotage it for years. More and more symptoms to match alcoholic liver disease.

And I find I'm not just cruising in a bearable, hazy ennui as I have been for the past two or three years. I'm starting to get tired of it, irritated by it, but still zero motivation or ambition to do anything. I still maintain that nothing is going to change without a next sincere attempt. A lot of indicators that I should be angling towards that.