All told, my last visit to the U.S. this past November was a disaster. My parents' assumption that we can do "family" things disgusted me so much that I was unfortunately unable to cut anyone any slack. They never cultivated family bonds or communication. Now that they're retired and have time for it doesn't mean they get it automatically now that it's convenient.

My brothers are more apologetic, and I do understand that. However bad our parents were as parents (we all agree that aspects of their parenting would nowadays qualify as abuse), they owe everything they have now (career, families) to them. Parents provided funds for education and weddings and are always present as safety nets, not that they really need it since they're both doctors. Whether they would have become doctors on their own volition is a separate discussion.

I've kept resentment much closer to home as nothing they've "provided" has been much of any benefit to me. Quite the opposite, such as my law school education they provided, which should be considered more of a disaster than anything else. Law school changes the way you think, as well as they way you look at and process the world. However I was before law school, I came to hate the way I thought and looked at and processed the world after law school.

I don't even owe them my life or existence since they're likely the direct source in this life of my leaning towards suicide. Of course, the final issue is much more complicated and metaphysical incorporating karma and previous lives, but in this lifetime, they were one source that makes suicide quite acceptable, even desirable, meaning they've done me a favor.

Separate from that dubious favor, I have had to recognize that they have helped me on my path, albeit accidentally and unintentionally. Aside from being crucial in my turning away from normative life and embracing death as central to my practice and progress, they provided the funds for my current quasi-hermit lifestyle where I can focus on practice. It's not what they expected and they tried and failed to get the funds back, thanks to my aunt's lack of cooperation – she basically told them if they wanted their money, they had to ask it back from me directly, something they were apparently unwilling to do.

My aunt placed the money in my account at their request. She wasn't about it take it back at their request. I think under their own code, money flows from them to me. The idea of it going from me to them is unthinkable. Them telling me to give them money would violate the primary and likely only defense of their parenting. Unfortunately for them, the money is in my personal bank account. Unfortunately for me, when it comes to money, actually nothing is unthinkable.

But within these past few months, I did come upon a teaching that stated that anyone who helps someone on the path is doing good, anyone who dissuades a person on the path is doing harm. The path is anyone even striving towards the bodhisattva ideal to help all beings. I'm no where near that ideal, but I recognize it as a pretty good goal. Even if my parents' support was accidental and unintentional, the teaching says they still get credit for it. So my bad reaction to them was something I needed to rethink.

For a while after I came back to Taiwan, my parents would call and I would just have nothing to say. Phonecalls were awkward and uncomfortable and ended quickly. After coming across that teaching, I realized I had to decide to not have nothing to say to them. I had to give them credit for the support they were providing, however accidental or unintentional.

I have started to communicate more actively, but with the principle that I wasn't going to make it easy for them. I've been engaging them (actually just my mother, but they are one entity) and challenging their memory and experience as well as their grandparenting and continuing interaction in my brothers' families. I've been digging up and delving into issues of their parenting in a non-argumentative way; when bringing up a point at issue, I always preface by saying that I'm not criticizing. I just present my facts, things of which they don't know or aren't aware, but should realize as alternatives to their version of memory or truth.

Since I've started doing this, we've had at least two lively, extended conversations. Much of it involving her parenting that is not so infallible, and that she needs to keep a check on her interactions with my brothers' families. She really didn't do such a good job the first time around, so she needs to keep an open mind in getting it right with the grandkids. She made decisions that she felt were defensible, and that's fine and reasonable, but she is currently in no position to try to impose such decisions on my brothers' families or their kids.

I'm trying to impose wisdom on my mother. If she doesn't have reasoned wisdom to offer, then shut the fuck up. And she has been receptive. She even said that she was open to be criticized during our conversations. She understood the nature of the discourse. She's willing to be challenged. This only applies to my mother. My father, as "intelligent" as he apparently is, still has acquired absolutely zero wisdom in his years and likely not only stands by his atrocious parenting skills, but also is willing to apply them to the grandchildren. If people don't act in the way he wants, he's willing to withdraw all assistance or care. He's, in short, a fucking bastard. No respect for him.