Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Just a few days left before I fly back to Taiwan. I'm not sure how I feel about anything. Just a general recognition of a certain inevitability about my life. I've been here for just about a month and I don't have any assessment regarding my time here.

Just to remind myself, I sabotaged my life. Life isn't something I want to do, even as I continue living on beyond my expiration date.

I've been appreciating the hot weather. Although my room at my parents' house gets too hot in the afternoon. It's the hottest room in this house in the summer (coldest in winter). Summer evenings and nights in New Jersey sometimes cool down quite pleasantly, as I noted when I got here.

I've also been appreciating the sunsets. I don't know if anyone else knows about the sunsets from this room with its southwestern exposure and height. As far as I know, I'm the only person who has inhabited this room long enough to realize the spectacular sunsets that, I think, no other room in this house gets.

So to sum up this trip? I haven't done much of anything. I haven't gone into New York once. I've been of no help to my brother and sister-in-law with their four kids. Her mother has been in the hospital with heart problems so she's been preoccupied, and I've still been of no assistance.

It's no excuse, but those kids are way beyond my control. I haven't been able to step up and open my heart to them and be more giving, matching my energy to theirs. I've seen relatives on her side of the family do it. They know how to be with them. The kids are still wild and completely unfiltered, but they engage, whereas I withdraw.

That's actually a fair delineation between their family and ours. They engage, we withdraw. I go the further step and withdraw from the withdrawers. Mind you, withdrawing is lame. I don't advise it.

I've started going on jogs after coming back from the cruise. This is the first time hitting the road since I joined the gym last May. Since then it's been all treadmill. I hit the gym several times on the cruise and I didn't want to go idle until returning to Taiwan.

Mind you, road work is a lot harder than using a treadmill, especially as you get older. You really feel the weight of hauling your carcass around. And mind you, it's not running I'm doing, it's jogging. I've accepted that I have to slow down as much as it takes to not inflame my Achilles again.

And slow down I have! When I was younger, I told myself if I ever was doing 10 minute miles, I'd just quit. That's just not worth it. Now, I figured I'd need to slow down to 10 minute miles. Nope, sloooweeer. So I've been plodding about doing sub-10 minute miles and still my Achilles couldn't take it. I'm on a third day of rest and it still hurts to put weight on it.

My parents are retired and they only have one car, and those facts have shaped much about my being here. It means they're home all the time and I only have use of a car after I've checked that they don't need it.

It means that I can only make noise by way of drumming, bassing or guitaring when they take leave of the house, which is no longer on a regular basis. It's not a big deal since I no longer consider making noise a part of my identity.

Still, whenever they went out, I sat myself at the drums and was surprised to find that I don't think I've lost any of what little chops I had. In fact it felt downright comfortable. I figure that if I were to get together with other people to play, I'd be able to hold my own. Although not necessarily for long, as stamina I'm sure is down with age.