2018 mix CDs

I wonder. Has anyone heard of BTS? In my isolated little world, I honestly don't know who I can suppose has heard of this K-pop boy group that seems to have been lighting the pop world on fire the past few . . . years (sorry, that's a totally gratuitous link to a group that I do like, but at least is a BTS song with an appropriate title)? And I mean globally, heading all the way east from Korea until it meets the west, and all the way west until it meets the east.

It's a given western pop is global; no matter where you go in the world, everyone seems to know iconic western pop acts, whether they suck or not (I wouldn't know about now, but in my rock-oriented youth there was a disdainful assumption of more suck than not). Pop acts around the world, including K-pop, emulate and aspire to be like western pop acts. Has BTS breached that rarefied air and become one of them? I honestly don't know. I read the K-pop newsfeed headlines about impressive milestones they've achieved in global popularity and exposure (they spoke at the U.N.?! wut?!) and records they keep breaking, but are they anywhere near being an enduring household name? Do people recognize their name in the entertainment section or can't avoid hearing about them even if they know nothing about K-pop and couldn't care less? 

But here I am, a supposed K-pop fan and I know near nothing about them just because I'm not into the boy groups. I'm not chagrined that it's a boy group that's breaking through after multiple high-profile failures of girl groups through the years to gain attention in the U.S. mainstream. Even though I'm not into the boy groups, I have no doubt the quality of the songwriting and production is just as good as the girl groups I'm into (the above link is the first time I listened to a BTS song, and it notably didn't suck. I could listen to it multiple times and even pinpoint what I think is cool in both the audio and the choreo (I just prefer to watch LOONA doing it)). I don't doubt they're exciting and fun to watch if you're into that sort of thing boy groups. Despite what my CD mixes reflect, I'm under the impression K-pop boy groups are much bigger business economically than the girl groups.

My 2018 mix CDs (of the mix-CDs-of-every-year-of-my-life project) are par for the course since about 2012 and are all K-pop and two CDs. I thought it was bad when there was so much stuff being released that I couldn't satisfactorily contain everything killing me to leave off on a single CD. Now it's just ridiculous and I could easily fill a third CD (whoa! déjà vu), but that's somewhere I'll never go, even if these are just for me. Actually, because they're just for me. A third collection would need a specifiable justification, the likes of which I can't even imagine for K-pop.

I think this is just normal now, but I struggled for months, gnashing my teeth and pulling my hair (at least taking off my slipper and repeatedly hitting my head with it), compiling song lists and track sequences, often ending in frustration and whimpering feelings of futility and impotence, trying to carve out a flow and segues that I felt worked. Segues and sequence flow are what make a mix for me (says the person who listens to a 20,000+ collection on SHUFFLE. It isn't always pretty). But then suddenly I'll have one or two magical sessions moving songs around in iTunes playlists and suddenly all the problems go away (not really, it's more of a forced satisfaction considering there was enough good stuff to fill a third CD) and something comes together and "by George, I think I've got it!". Where I had nothing the day before, suddenly I have something. Pretty!*

Disc 1: (zip download)

1. favOriTe (LOOΠΔ)
2. Mi-myo Mi-myo (Lovelyz) (full-stage camcorder)
3. What is Love? (Twice) (unofficial stage mix)
4. Bad Boy (Red Velvet)
5. Green Apple (Berry Good)
6. Hurry Up (Sohee (Elris))
7. WooWoo (DIA)
8. The Blue Bird (April)
9. Crush (Weki Meki)
10. DKDK (Dugeum Dugeum) (fromis_9) (music video (because cats))
11. Lady (EXID)
12. Don't Let Me Know (Ko Sungmin)
13. Burning (Rothy)
14. Punk Right Now (HYO (SNSD (Hyoyeon)))
15. Baby Boo (feat. KissN, Mint (ex-Tiny-G)) (High Soul)
16. Is Who (Minseo)
17. Dududu (AoA) (lyric video) (official audio)
18. See Sea (Hyolyn (ex-Sistar))
19. Let You Go (Yubin (ex-Wonder Girls)) (lyric video) (official audio)
20. I'm Your Girl? (Khan) (although this is how people from my generation read their name; don't know if their agency CEO is a Star Trek fan)
21. Remember Me (Oh My Girl)
22. The Same Memory (Kassy) (lyric video) (official audio)
23. I Wish (Baek Ah Yeon) (official audio)
24. Masquerade (WJSN - Cosmic Girls) (lyric video) (official audio)

Disc 2:
1. I Mean (UNI.T)
2. Oh! My Mistake (April)
3. #Cookie Jar (Red Velvet)
4. Wind Flower (Mamamoo)
5. Milkshake (Flavor (Fanatics))
6. Travel (Bolbbalgan4)
7. Rendezvous 18.6y (yyxy (LOOΠΔ)) (lyric video) (audio only)
8. Heroine (Sunmi (ex-Wonder Girls))
9. Fanci (Girlkind)
10. Love Bomb (fromis_9) (choreography video)
11. Twenty Something (Song Juhee (Hello Venus (Alice)))
12. Twilight (Oh My Girl)
13. Jealousy (Nara (Asha))
14. Dressroom (Primary x Anda)
15. Sullae (Rothy)
16. Dear (Gugudan) (lyric video) (official audio)
17. Yes or Yes (Twice)
18. Hi High (LOOΠΔ) (choreography video) (live)
19. Save Me, Save You (WJSN - Cosmic Girls)
20. Once Love Begins (Kassy)
21. LaTaTa ((g)i-dle)
22. Daydream (Lovelyz) (lyric video) (official audio)

The lyric videos are something new in the past few years, made by media-savvy international/bilingual fans, and they seem to not be getting flagged for copyright violations. Have agencies despite their corporate mindset accepted the value of international fans and their desire to know the lyrics or practice Korean (not me on either of those points)? Doubt it, but I have no idea, but as long as they're not getting taken down, I'll link them for the audio files. And I might note that one of my original criteria for K-pop fandom was that I never look up the lyrics (assuming it's a lot of stupid, banal shit about löve and broken hearts). It's actually not all bad (unlike western pop, whose lyrics which I can understand are usually what make me turn it off relatively quickly).

2017 mix CDs

I've been reading through John's "WTF? I've got cancer?" Blog I found by someone with terminal cancer. *spoiler alert* . . . It doesn't end well. At least that's what I'm assuming considering the title of his final post. I haven't read the later posts so I don't yet know how exactly it all ends, because once I read the premise of the blog and then seeing it was quite finite, I decided to go straight to the beginning and read through it chronologically as it chronicles his discovery of the cancer in spring 2014 and goes until his final post in September 2016. 

The reason for reading the whole thing is to see how this one person experiences death impending. In that regard, I'm just a poseur so this gives me a chance to compare and reflect on whether I'm really on that path and realization. I think it's fair to say I keep death and related concepts (dying, dead, mortality, finality, tie-dyeing, existence) front and center of my being, but I don't know if I've really been tested viscerally. Actually, to think about it, that's among the stupidest things I've ever said about myself, but forcing myself to doubt myself is a way of keeping grounded. I'm decidedly not dying of cancer, nor anything like a train arriving at its terminal.

Reading the blog, I remind myself to have sympathy and not lose sight of what he was dealing with, which is not hard to do. But I also have to make an effort to read it just as it is for what it is, and not treat it as an ordinary piece of writing, i.e., not reading it critically or analytically and what it's not or what I want it to be. There are things I couldn't help. I try to suppress my editor habit triggered by the typos, the travelogue portions leave much to be desired, the handyman mundanities are among the curious things he focuses on while undergoing treatment. Nothing egregious.

But I wonder why I attach to this person's blog. There might be plenty of cancer blogs that are well-written and philosophical and that generate genuine sympathy. This person . . . oh. Is a lot like me? Or from what he writes, I interpret him being a lot like me, even if he wasn't. There are aspects about him that I recognize might be similar to aspects of how I am. How's that? 

At one point he said that no one would describe him as "kind". Who describes themselves like that? In my most self-deprecating moments, I think I would be insulting people in my past if I stated none of them would describe me as kind. But that's how he feels or sees himself. And no one in my present tense could describe me as kind, because there isn't anyone here to describe me. Solitary as I am, I don't feel like a kind or generous person. He describes himself as socially avoidant and a loner. He's a divorcé. He adopts a cat that takes almost 4 months to get used to him (animals and babies don't lie in judging character). I don't know what to make of the paucity of comments (maybe meaningful responses happen directly). There's indication he's probably Republican.

Basically the feeling I'm reading – and may easily be completely wrong – is that he's not the most popular or likable person in his social circles? And looking around me, neither am I, and I'm not even Republican. I'm not judging him, I'm just wondering why his blog, with all the problems I have with it, is the one I find worth reading. Maybe if his blog was life-affirming in the face of impending death and deep and profound and touching and sensitive and had trended and had hundreds of thousands of followers and Oprah's attention and comments sections packed with strangers offering support and advice and services and ice cream, I just wouldn't have been interested. That's just me. I'm reading this person's blog. I think maybe we're similarly porcupine-ish with odd quirks and perspectives that other people don't quite get and would prevent trending or Oprah. How's that? And it's not even whether or not he's likable or popular, since how he is socially may basically be his choice.

I'm still reading through the blog, but I am within his last year. I don't know whether it will get impassioned or dramatic towards the end nor whether there will be insights or breakthroughs or crying. I will say that his writing does improve (as do his travelogues) over the course of the blog from being fairly straight-forward utilitarian to becoming even funny and witty (in a grim, dark, morbid way); perhaps a by-product of recognizing his peeps are reading and don't want to be bored to death (misery doesn't necessarily love company when you're dying of cancer?). 

marking time: summer 2019

The bugs. My room is being infested by these teeny-tiny bugs that are harmless enough in themselves, but they appear and swarm and move psychotically hither-thither and higgledy-piggledy really, really fast on the floor and various surface areas, and it's all I can do to smush them under a fingertip. They're really no more than specks of life with the residue of their deaths not much worth even a swipe of a tissue. *sigh* Not killing other living beings is ideal under mindfulness practice, and here I am massacring what I hope is an entire population, genocide I hope. Not the best item to have on one's karmic resumé, but let's keep things in perspective. In fewer numbers I'd leave them alone. They'll show up in a particular area and I can easily kill a dozen or more in a go. They're easy to spot despite their size (and my degraded eyesight) and easy to kill with a jabbing fingertip. They're fast but they're too tiny to be tactical (even if they make it to cover, they'll just run out into the open in a few seconds), and being fast just means it's amazing they covered those centimeters so quickly. They're fast enough that sometimes it takes a few jabs to get them, but they're going nowhere fast and still basically sitting ducks. I just had an image of ducks sitting in meditation.

The heat. Not only is this a hell-hot summer, but very possibly the hottest, helliest hell-hot summer since I coined "hell-hot summer" as distinct from regular merely blazing hot Taipei summers. I swear I recently experienced the absolute hottest day in my time here in Taipei. I'm putting strict limits on how far away I'll go on bike lest I risk a heat-related crisis. My instinct for self-preservation (or not feeling like crap, rather) is strong enough to recognize when I need to get into an air-conditioned space now, but sometimes just getting around on bike will be such that I'm feeling the effects long after getting into air-conditioning and hydrating.

"Rogue One: A Star Wars Story". HBO finally got this years after release, and I didn't expect anything of it. I've never been huge on the Star Wars thing after the original first two movies "Star Wars" (none of that "episode IV" or "New Hope" bullshit) and "The Empire Strikes Back", which were so good that even people over age 16 don't seem to realize how bad "Return of the Jedi", rounding out the original trilogy, is. Curiosity had me peeking at the three prequels: the first was terrible, annoying and boring (not  necessarily in that order), the second was worse and unwatchable, the third was also unwatchable but at least hilarious in the bits that I did see (you couldn't re-make it as a comedy and have it be funnier (sadly)). "The Force Awakens" I initially held in favor, but after re-watching ultimately gave it a thumbs down. Not terrible, watchable, just not very good.

"Rogue One: A Star Wars Story": excellent! I have nothing to say about it that might be at all relevant, except that I was impressed and amazed at how fresh it was and how cleverly it wove in elements of the chronologically subsequent "Star Wars" that are recognizable without being pandering or corny. Aside from C-3PO and R2-D2, who having just a single gratuitous shot at the rebel base qualifies as pandering and corny. If they included them at all, they should have gone at least a little more into how they ended up in the battle and on Leia's blockade runner in "Star Wars", otherwise just leave them out. For that matter, why Leia was sent into a battle that looked like a suicide mission should've been addressed more than it was, but that might risk requiring more screen time for a character being rendered youthful by CGI (RIP Carrie Fisher).

I mistakenly thought the entire movie was based on a single line in "Star Wars", something on the lines of a rebel general grimly saying during the briefing before the attack on the Death Star, "Many people died to get us this information", but a web search indicates that line is actually from "Return of the Jedi" (It was apparently a Manny "Both Hands" (intergalactic gangster?) who died to get the information on the Death Star, mk. II (because once your first Death Star is destroyed, of course, the logical, albeit unoriginal, course of action is to build another)). But it would've been incredible if that line was in "Star Wars" because it's such a cliché, throwaway line. "Rogue One" would've affirmed it was not a throwaway line at all, but hard-hitting testament and recognition to the sacrifice and courage of those characters. People re-watching "Star Wars" later would get to that line and know he's referring to the events of "Rogue One" and start bawling. Or not. In "Return of the Jedi" it's just a cliché, throwaway line.