I've been feeling a little perplexed, but I think I'm learning to be a little more clear on this and the perspective that I want.

Recently I was having a difficult time with this because any day is fine. Every day I target as the day to go, and it's not like I'm conflicted and resisting. Just every day I haven't been doing it. It wasn't uncanny that ET called that day – that didn't have anything to do with anything.

I recently also experienced a certain intriguing tunnel vision regarding it, which was bizarre, but perhaps normal. I would lose sight of the big picture – everything about my life in both the long and short terms not only pointing towards suicide, but even making it "favorable" – and I would lose perspective and selfishly focus on just the little me alive and feeling pretty comfortable in my little me.

I was worried that I won't do it. I'm not that worried about that anymore. What I should be worried about is not testing myself and making the attempt. I should be worried about this window closing without even having made the attempt.

I am confident that if I go out and make the attempt, I will succeed, but there is a chance I won't, but then I'll have my reason for not doing it. I shouldn't be bothered about that. But I need to push myself to the brink, standing on the leading edge, the eastern seaboard spread before my eyes.

Sometimes I get caught up in my reality and my perspective and that this is me and my life, and I want it, and suicide means irrevocably destroying it, and that's hard and inconceivable, but that's the whole point of it. I feel, at least.

No one thinks of suicide as a passage or as part of a path. For most people, suicide is an escape from despair. I will admit that suicide as high concept was not a given in my life. There is a possibility that if circumstances in my life were different, I might want to live out my natural life.

But the circumstances as they are, as they became, there really is nothing that would make me want to live out my natural life. Nothing should be more clear to me than that. There is no best case scenario that would make me feel favorably about living another 30, 40 years and experience old age, sickness and, well whaddya know, death.

Not money, not love, not a fresh perspective and direction on the spiritual path. For me, I just feel that this is part of that fresh perspective and direction on the spiritual path. The way things are are perfect the way they are.

The way things are going, this window of opportunity can remain open for quite a bit more time, despite sooner being better than later. I'm not going to concern myself about that. I can keep asking myself, "Why not today?", without getting caught up in 'why not today?'. Still, sooner is better than later.

MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 3:20 p.m. - Crossing the Xindian River on Rte. 110 in Xindian city, south of Taipei. 

3:54 p.m. - Along Rte. 110.

4:33 p.m. - Sanxia Old Street, Sanxia township, southwest of Taipei.

4:35-4:37 p.m. - Sanxia Old Street is off Rte. 110 after it becomes more urban between the Xindian and Dahan rivers.

4:39 p.m. - Xinglong Gong Matsu Temple, Sanxia Old Street.

4:54 p.m. - Zhangfu Bridge 長福橋 over Sanxia River 三峽河, a tributary to Dahan River. Just off Sanxia Old Street.

5:26-5:31 - Yingge 鶯歌 township, famous for its ceramics.

5:37 p.m. - Yingge is west of Sanxia across the Dahan River and is the last township in southwest Taipei County before crossing into Taoyuan County.

5:44 p.m. - Getting onto the riverside bikeway at Yingge to the left bank of the Dahan River to head back to Taipei.

6:49 p.m. - Sunset from Taipei after traveling up from Yingge through Shulin, Xinzhuang and Sanchong townships and across the Danshui River (which the Dahan drains into).

8:55 p.m. - Shooting across the Keelung River Dajia Riverside Park at florescent painted floodwalls lit by black light. It's for the Int'l Flora Exhibition that will be held on this side of the river.