And just as the window of opportunity opened again. Go fig. Or not. Shitfuck. And not. It's a huge disappointment and cause for all the little workers in the corporate structure of my mind to go into crisis mode. They are rushing around as we speak trying to figure out what does this mean?, what should we do?, is it going to get worse? What about our stocks? What about our credibility?
As these windows of opportunity open every 2 months, I'm not ruling out a May attempt, but knowing me, this is effectively an indefinite postponement until I go through all the steps again. I'll try to join the human race and be social and nothing will come out of that, same as it ever was.
I'll go back to work again, trying to maintain the hermit ideal of working just to survive and just cultivate a plain, satisfied living, but that will get untenable and unsustainable again. It won't stop the festering. About what, I don't know. It won't stop the desire for something else. What? I don't know. Same as it ever was.
There isn't anything I desire, but desire is the karmic habit that is the cause of suffering here. Even when there is no object of desire, I still have the desire to desire something.
Then I'll get existential angsty again and realize I'm not getting any younger or growing back any hair, or feeling any different about the issue, and get self-destructive and quit my job and tear everything down again and I'll be in for another round of attempts several years hence. See you then.
I'm going to the U.S. for the entire month of April. I'm like a vampire about going back to the U.S. – I can't go back unless my parents suggest it, and they suggested it and I accepted it on the day the window of opportunity opened.
Before that I'm going to the island(s) of Matsu with my uncle for 3 days, but I'm not really looking forward to that. Matsu, as well as the island of Kinmen, belong to Taiwan, but if you look at them on the map, they look like they belong to mainland China. They're that close to the mainland.
My uncle is well-intentioned, just difficult and single-minded. Traveling with him is to be avoided at all costs and I refused his invitation countless times in the past few weeks. Finally my parents urged me to go and as it just felt at the time connected to the U.S. invitation, I finally gave in.
 |
| WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23 - Raohe St., Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super. Last roll of black & white. |
 |
| Raohe night market entrance. |
