Wow, November.

I look ahead several months and see February. Or March. Am I really still going to be here in February or March 2013? Slogging on with no direction, purpose or motivation? I'm not positing that as a bad thing, just fact.

It seems inconceivable, but several months ago – could've been May, could've been June – I was looking ahead several months, and seeing November and asking, "am I really still going to be here in November?" Another chilly, rainy winter?

Rilly, I am.

I guess that's what I get for taking things one day at a time, which is what recovering alcoholics and addicts are supposed to do when they're trying to get their lives back on track. Not the most productive game plan if I'm angling for a risky, radical path towards an understanding that only mystics and crazies have historically entertained.

Whenever I pull back and look at the big picture with my lifelong aspiration, I feel I should be more proactive about it. Maybe when I can, I will.

I don't posit having no direction, purpose or motivation as a bad thing for me, because I don't want direction, purpose or motivation at this point. I think it's fair to say I don't want, need or have those things because never in any of my life plans did I expect to still be here at this age.

Anything before in my life that I strove for, was motivated by or desired still assumed that I would've been dead long before getting to my current age. It's no wonder that I'm still here and am pretty content doing absolutely nothing productive or involved.

Still being here is a bit of a bonus maybe to keep cultivating the meditations I've come across, but just because I'm still here doesn't mean I'm gonna get worked up about having no direction, purpose or motivation.