I went down to Kaohsiung on Monday to visit my cousin Audrey.

I was aware even before this visit that I've been understating her. Our relationship while I've been in Taiwan has been muted at best. But when I was trying to figure out what happened at the beginning of October, I did note that phone call to her, right before she left for the U.S.

I think she might be just as important in regard to what happened as what I mentioned in the previous post. I think what I experienced may be closely tied with what Audrey just went through. I don't think I did or can convey what a big deal she has been going through with her husband and deciding to leave the country.

When we met for dinner at the end of October, just after she came back from three weeks in the States, I held back mentioning this to her, but finally decided it was OK and told her that if it were three weeks earlier, I probably wouldn't have wanted to meet.

I told her about the food thing and my general just not wanting to do anything. I had noticed that she only told me about the ordeal after it was over, so maybe she didn't want me to have anything to do with it and so I probably would have weighed that against any request to meet up.

But when I mentioned that we probably couldn't have that meeting three weeks earlier, she also said she probably couldn't have met 3-4 weeks earlier. The point at which she called me to tell me what was happening was really just right after she had an awakening, before which she was something of a nervous wreck and had been for months.

I'm not suggesting anything directly relational happened between us metaphysically. It's more what I mentioned before about being "entangled", and it's more like the concept of entangled particles in quantum physics; a "spooky", seemingly impossible concept that science has accepted as factually real in the quantum realm.

My very basic understanding is that particles that are "entangled" simultaneously exhibit corresponding properties no matter where they are. They can be across the universe from each other, but when a certain property is exhibited in one particle, a certain (other) corresponding property is simultaneously exhibited or known about the other particle.

This flies in the face of classical physics because it suggests information is traveling faster than the speed of light. Despite this paradox, entanglement is an accepted property of quantum mechanics.

It's not like we have some deep meaningful connection. But like entangled particles, we affect each other across space, like what she said, "when I learn, you learn".

I still don't want to make a big deal about it. The distance between us has grown proportionally with any closeness.

We don't want or need anything from each other. But the big change that happened in early October I might call a little bit of a big thing. If so, Audrey should be mentioned. I can never rule out that she's relevant to my journey.

So a major change occurred in early October. That's the what. But why? What happened?

There was a confluence of things that complicates and confuses what may have happened, and I'm deciding that all of the superficial, material things weren't it.

The change was much too sudden for any outside, material influences to be so effective. Including and especially cutting back on alcohol. That effectively happened afterwards; it wasn't it.

I'm tempted to pay attention to those days I thought I had succeeded in sabotaging my health and that liver/kidney failure was imminent, but . . . no. It felt momentous at the time, but maybe only as a superficial marker.

Any "facing my mortality" is not momentous, it's the norm. I didn't face my mortality and something in me changed. That would be sarcasm.

So I'm looking at the fringes.

In early October, I made contact with my cousin the day before she left for the U.S. to figure out where she was going to move with her children. I had known she was planning the trip for about a month, but I called right before she left, not knowing that fact. And she left. We got together the day she returned three weeks later, after the big change in my life had occurred.

Around that time, after my cousin left, I also read one or two chapters in a book that . . . did something. It's a book by a Tibetan lama of his commentary on teachings by one of the "greats" who basically is credited as one of the founders of one of the four schools of Tibetan Buddhism.

It doesn't matter what book it was, the commentary doesn't matter, the lineage doesn't necessarily matter. It was just the encountering it after all my years of reading, studying, sitting, searching. It's different for different people, but anyone who stays on the path for however long it takes may encounter it (if one must know, the book for me happened to be Confusion Arises as Wisdom by Ringu Tulku and is his commentary on the teachings of Gampopa, considered a founder of the Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Buddhism).

It was an "I get it" moment. It was a scratching of the surface, nothing deep, I had been exposed to the teaching countless times in countless ways, but it was this time, in this chapter of this book by this author when the "OMG, I get it" moment happened. Reality, or the perception of reality changed.

And it was just the start. I've felt like I've been on a spiritual journey for all these years, but all that was just preparation. I'm just barely reaching the shore now to begin. All those years I thought I had been advancing on the path was just setting up the prep station, the mise en place.

Again, it's not the teaching itself. I can repeat it, I can describe the realization, but it's the same information in countless numbers of books. All you can do is . . . keep practicing. Dedication is a must. Levity is a must, a careful balance between doubt and confidence.

I want to say to be true to oneself and to listen to one's heart, but those are cliched crocks. You can be true to yourself, but if it seems like shooting someone would be true to yourself, I'm not going to recommend being true to yourself, yo'm say'n? You can listen to your heart, but your heart may be telling you some off-the-wall shit.

I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have no idea what happened.

Tie to my cousin? Maybe. We haven't had the greatest relations or communications while I've been in Taiwan. She sure wasn't any help when I needed her most when I first arrived.

But I'm willing to accept that maybe we are "entangled" souls or beings. As she put it, "when I learn, you learn". Our current relationship doesn't mean a whole lot to me now, I'll help as much as I can in these trying times of hers, but the relationship that is important has nothing to do with her and I as we are in this human, corporeal form.

Now that I'm "better":

- I don't feel any need to be "productive", but I'm more inclined to "do stuff". Unlike the past few years, I can get restless now, whereas before at any time I could just lie down, relax and be totally contented. Feeling restless is generally considered to be a negative thing (antsy, anxious), but I just observe the feeling and appreciate it as something I've missed for the past few years.
- I still have no social life, nor want one; but I'm not disinclined to social contact, and have since met up with my old Chinese teacher and cousin.
- I have an appetite and can eat, and it's wonderful and wonderous. I need to maintain mindfulness about consumption, though. Going overboard is not great. Sometimes it's even a good thing to go hungry and appreciate it, having lost it for the past few years.
- Gastronomic/intestinal problems gone.
- Decreased alcohol consumption. Still considerable, but I have limits compared to before.
- Returned to regular morning sitting.
- Back on my bike. I've been riding on most nice days.
- Insomnia and rosacea still around, but not a big deal.

I now consider myself to have been sick for quite some time, finally having come out of it in early October. I've been trying to trace how long I've been sick, and so far I've found a mention of having no appetite in November 2011, so it was probably more or less fully formed by then.

That squares fairly with my memory that I was afflicted for the entirety of 2012 and 2013 until October. It probably started in 2011 sometime after a trip to New Jersey in April of that year.

I'm guessing it didn't suddenly start, but slowly, amorphously manifest through my lifestyle of sitting in front of a computer all day, obsessively watching Korean videos and TV shows, and then getting out for only three or four hours in the evening to read at a library or bookstore and eat if I could manage it.

It manifested through certain symptoms in a way that didn't point to a particular pathology. Actually, in retrospect, if I went to a doctor, I think they would've taken a shortcut diagnosis and labeled it depression.

- I wasn't doing anything productive, nor felt any need to be.
- I had no social life, nor wanted one.
- I had no appetite (but wanted to eat as I also obsessively watched food shows on Travel & Living Channel).
- I had gastronomic or intestinal problems. My stomach wasn't behaving and was a source of daily discomfort.
- alcohol consumption maintained at alcoholic levels and even increased.
- I stopped morning sitting somewhere along the way, as I felt it no longer was contributing to mindfulness practice. There was no difference between sitting and the rest of my day, so I deemed it appropriate to stop.
- I developed rosacea! My parents visited Taiwan in December 2011, and that's when it started since I remember they asked about a pimple on my face. It didn't concern me as pimples go away after a few days, but this went on for 10 months. It resurfaced briefly during Sadie's visit in 2013, and it's been touch and go since then.
- Insomnia has been a constant, sometimes better, sometimes worse. Insomnia and rosacea are probably independent of whatever else was going on symptomatically.
- It became fully formed during this period that I had no interest in doing anything I had done before that established my identity.
- I was fully happy just lying on the bed all day listening to music. Music has constantly and consistently been a source of pleasure.
- Mindfulness reading and practice was continuous all through this. 
- Korea, Korea, Korea. Possible future life resonance possibly continuing, and if it was beckoning, that may be a source of psychic discord (die already so you can be re-born and continue the journey).

The only problem with the depression diagnosis is . . . I was pretty "happy" all through this. I didn't feel depressed at all. I had to take the physical discomfort in stride, but at no time could I say I was "unhappy".

Was I manifesting physiological signs of depression without the emotional or mental baggage? The psychiatric community would have a field day with that suggestion.

Zero hits to this blog since I changed the url! That's success in my book. All of the usual web searches from before still go to the old url, dead blog. It's kinda liberating. I've been feeling this blog has lost the plot, that it's come off the rails, that its wheels have left the road. It's like a conversation with myself that's been lost.

Acquaintances, friends are ongoing conversations. What and how you communicate with different people is sourced in previous conversations and interactions. It's hard to be motivated to instigate contact with people when that conversation is gone or has been disrupted: I think of trying to write to Sadie, Madoka or Delphine, but the conversation between us is just not there. The last thing they said to me doesn't inspire response and any contact would have to be a cold start.

I did meet up with both my cousin Audrey and my old Mandarin teacher recently within a two week period. It's much easier to reestablish a conversation in person. Audrey recently went through a crisis with an end result that she is separating from her husband and taking her kids and moving to California. When she first called to tell me what happened, we couldn't establish a conversation. We couldn't close the distance that way.

My Mandarin teacher also contacted me with an emergency regarding a situation with her Master's program and asked to get together. Although I don't think the urgency was essential to the conversation as was it being in-person to discuss a situation.

I guess the pattern suggests the long-distance conversation is out. The nature of my relationship with people is that there is too much to "not get" over distance. On the "getting" part, Sadie, Madoka and Delphine all don't. And I don't give a crap. That's not a negative not giving a crap, I'm not judging nor have any feeling about it. That's just observation of the way it is.

I guess it's possible to meet up with someone in person and still miss successfully having a "conversation", but my relationship with my cousin and teacher are substantive enough that if we're sitting across from another, it's pretty easy.

Fortunately, I'd say, too.