I thought one of the first things I'd do once I got back to Taiwan is get back to the gym, but a week and a half later I still haven't. Tomorrow will mark four weeks I haven't been to the gym, but I'll try to go by tomorrow.

Granted I caught a head cold the day after I got back, but that cleared by mid-week last week, and physically I'm go for activity. I've been in a slump in addition to a sleep slump since flying to New Jersey.

I hardly slept at all on the flight to New Jersey, and immediately upon arrival my sleep pattern has been pretty constant to this day; that is, going to sleep between 1 and 3 a.m., sleeping roughly between 4 or 5 hours, and then crashing out for a nap later in the day or evening. It's not enough sleep, but I'm alright.

I guess motivation in general has been low. Slump. I'm in danger of alcoholism overwhelming. I'm in danger of becoming totally unmotivated and comfortable doing nothing. Which, as I recall, wasn't that bad as long as I don't get restless in it. I've even felt some possible relapses in my appetite. Not being able to eat is not something I want to go back to.

And now for something completely different, after almost 9 years in Taiwan, I'm pretty jaded about any ridiculousness here. I thought I'd seen it all. But something I'd never experienced was to buy something and find the item not in the box.

Yesterday I went to the supposed premier music store in Taiwan, ATB, and bought a Korg PX5D multifex unit. I had already scoped it out at another store and saw that the price was at least NT$8,000, so when I was quoted NT$7,500 at ATB, I went for it.

It's a weird feeling buying something and opening up the box and finding the item not there. I knew where it was. At the store, I had perused the box and noticed the actual unit sitting on the shelf, basically making it a display unit. That's when and where I asked about the price, got the quote and took the box believing a new unit was in the box based on the heft of the box (thick user's manual). And mind you the store people looked like they didn't give two shits whether I was interested in buying the unit or not.

So basically, someone had removed the unit from the box, left it on the shelf and still had the box displayed for purchase and no one at the store was responsible for putting two and two together and making sure if they sold the item, the item would be in the box.

I was as livid as I could get, which is not very livid (mindfulness practice), considering I was considering how livid I should act when I went back to the store. I ended up taking the civil, non-confrontational approach, but was fairly direct about it, that I wanted my money back.

The consumer experience of buying something and then finding the item bought absent = I'm not buying it from this store. To one of the store worker's credit, he looked reasonably horrified that this happened. He knew it was bad. Not to the store's credit, none of the other workers seemed at all interested that this happened and that they were losing a sale.

Anyway, I went to the other store which was selling the unit for NT$8,800 on the price tag and told them ATB was selling it for NT$7,500, just hoping they would match the price, and they gave a further discount at NT$7,300. I haggled without even knowing it. A seasoned haggler could've gotten it down to at least NT$7,000. I am not that seasoned haggler.

Needless to say, ATB is no longer the go-to place for music items for me. The store from which I ended up buying the item was Player Music Instruments, near exit 3 of the Chiang-Kai Shek Memorial MRT station. 

Flying back to Taiwan was just as grueling as flying to the U.S., even with no delays caused by an incoming winter storm the day I left nor other travel-related hitches and having a whole row to myself on the 13 hour first-leg flight to Asia from Newark. I think I may have been the only person in economy with a whole row to myself.

I have just about no incentive for making that trip in the future. I do enjoy visiting my brothers and their families. We're not super close and don't necessarily connect, but we're cordial and pleasant enough and I feel nothing ill when visiting them. I don't know if they feel the same way about me.

I've shunned the stress and responsibilities that they've taken on in living normative lives. I don't know if they acknowledge that whatever stress they have in their lifestyles is the result of their own decisions; I don't know if they even felt they had a decision. Or if they feel my own decisions are a cop-out.

I look at all they have and made a conscious decision that I don't want any of it. Wife, family, career, mortgages, cars, stuff . . . no thanks.

On the other hand, I recognize that my attitude has some degree to do with the parents. And this is a bit of a revelation and something my brothers probably don't understand.

There was never any way that I was going to get married and start a family because of what that meant regarding my relation with the parents. When my brothers got married, the parents were involved. They had to be involved. When my brothers started having kids, the parents became the grandparents. They had to be involved.

The course of my brothers' lives involved the parents and even developed a deep appreciation for the financial assistance they provided to get them where they are. I certainly don't fault them for that.

They don't know the extent of my lack of appreciation, though, specifically in regard to their financial provisions making my being alive possible when being alive is a take it or leave it proposal for me. I don't even owe them that.

So I'm stating it for the record that my relationship with my parents probably has been a major factor in why I never got married or had kids or even wanted to.

Still that's only part of it. The other part of it is that I myself really didn't want to get married or have kids. If I really wanted to get married and have kids, though, my parents wouldn't have anything to do with it.

If I truly found my "soul mate" and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and make it "official" through some ritual concept referred to as "marriage", and then to sire offspring . . . and I can't even project any sarcastic or cynical meaning to that since it's simply inconceivable, so to speak, none of it would have involved the parents.

In other words, if I did have the drive to live some sort of normative life with a love of my life and kids, I would have likely cut all relations with my parents. My parents couldn't have anything to do with any relationship of mine with someone else, nor with any kids that we had. No fucking way. All they were in that regard was negative and chaos, and not something I would want perpetuated.

My relationship with my parents, and what toxicity they cultivated, simply doesn't include a relationship that involves those things. As such, if that were a path I wanted to take, it would have meant severing all financial ties as well; meaning a strong enough desire and ambition to find my own financial way in the world would have been required. A career, making money, being sustainable; what just about everyone normatively does anyway.

And I never had that ambition or desire. I never found that love of my life that would have superseded my financial attachment and dependence on the parents. Much too lazy? Maybe. The point is that they aren't entirely to blame. They were a major factor, but the decision was mine.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Last night in New Jersey, and as short as two weeks may sound, I'm glad to be going home tomorrow. Two weeks was enough.

In addition to basically my first week here spent at the resort, it's winter and it's cold. I have no access to a car here, no bicycle as my road bike was damaged the last time I visited, not that I would go out on bike in this cold. Public transportation is laughable. Parents are retired, so no alone time at the house to practice drums or make noise. And their internet is butt-slow.

On my last day here, I took my parents' car and went on a shopping spree spending almost $600. I got two sets of earbud headphones: Bose noise canceling and Monster noise isolating iSport Victory models.

I've been using Monster iSport Immersion earbuds for almost a year and they're probably on their last legs. I gave them a thumbs down because of poor construction and design. That model has been discontinued and replaced with the iSport Victory.

I was hesitant to go for Monster again because of the Immersion problems, but despite the problems they sounded incredible and I didn't know what else to get since the Bose are too expensive to be my daily active headphones. Fortunately, it seems the Victory model is better designed and possibly more robust. I'll wait until the Immersion dies before I really start using them.

Finally I got a Jawbone Mini Jambox, almost on a whim. I don't keep up with new products and technology at all, but I've heard about these portable, decent sound quality speakers, and I'm planning to use this on my nightstand to help get through insomnia.

I've been playing music during insomnia on my sound system across the room, and it's kinda too far away. I don't want to turn it up because I don't want to disturb neighbors. So the Mini Jambox is spoiling myself to be able to listen to music in good quality while I can't sleep.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I went into New York today to go to the 9/11 memorial site and museum. I kinda felt it was an obligation as an American citizen to go, especially being such an easy trip from New Jersey. It was a pilgrimage to the site of, historically speaking, the worst day of my life.

I noticed the newly completed and opened Freedom Tower from the New Jersey Turnpike right after I arrived. It's huge and appeared to dwarf the Empire State Building further uptown. "Muscular" was the word that came to mind. And that only the spire gives its claim of great height.

The reflecting pools created out of the footprints of the Twin Towers were appropriate and allowed for peaceful reflection.

The museum was pretty intense. I didn't make it through. I reached a point of saturation at some point and just had to leave. Having spent over 2 and a half hours there and needing to meet someone for dinner also precipitated a hasty exit.

My sister-in-law summed it up with why she didn't want to go to the museum yet. Too soon. That's exactly it. Everyone who went through 9/11 and its ongoing aftermath knows everything there is to know about it.

I certainly didn't learn anything new, per se. But it was meaningful, albeit intense, to be in that space and around artifacts of that day. Important to note is that the museum is underground and built around the footprints of the former Twin Towers, now marked by the reflecting pools above, and by the preserved iron bases of the foundation columns below.

The preservation of the footprints above and below, I think, are all-important to attest where the buildings physically stood. Various exhibits now attest to what had been there before.

But I had to meet Liz at Katz's Deli at 5:30. Liz is a friend from high school and she's currently the person I've known the second longest in my life, family notwithstanding. We were on the track team together and we also dated for a short while.

I'm not sure what to say about Liz, except that she's good at keeping in touch with people and not carrying over baggage. We were just two old friends meeting up after a long period of time. Can't say there was a whole lot of meaning to it. Just two old friends meeting up to say hi.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I just realized I hadn't iterated my recent use of "chaos". The recent mantra has been "Don't be the chaos", i.e., in other people's lives, the disruption, the unpredictable, uncertainty or frustration. The meditation is to pay attention to the disruptions we cause to other people, while also trying to not be affected by other people's chaos.

My parents are the natural and automatic chaos in my life without even trying to be. Like the car incident. They didn't maintain their own car, and when I offer a favor to drive my brother to the office in their stead, I feel the consequence of the chaos they create. They also have an uncanny ability to call at the worst possible times. Even with good intentions, it ends up as chaos.

The chaos doesn't have to be big. It's not necessarily bad. It's definitely subjective and interpretive. It's a little bit hyperbole, but also not. Some may relate it to karma, which I wouldn't deny.

I was a little bit of chaos to my brother's family when I was waffling in indecisiveness about whether to go with them to Philly or not. They had a set time schedule for the day and I put minor ripples into it. They possibly-probably don't see it that way, but I'm just being mindful of my own role.

I'm glad I went to Philly, it shouldn't have been such a hard decision. I wouldn't have made it down there for a visit this time otherwise. It's my first time visiting since they moved into a new house, and that was something that had to happen, and if it didn't happen now at the perfect opportunity, it may have gotten awkward.

It was a short visit, I stayed two nights and no one broke a stride in their routine for me. I had Monday all to myself and I walked about downtown Philly. Ate at DiNic's at Reading Terminal Market because I saw it on the "Man vs. Food" TV show. Good eats.

A poppyseed bagel with lox cream cheese also helped make my food experience. Still no decent bagels in Taiwan. I should've also fit in a Philly cheesesteak in there somewhere since it would've fit well with the no broken strides in routine thing (better to feed myself). I think too much, though.

I left Tuesday morning by train to New York Penn Station – the Septa transfer to NJ Transit in Trenton way, very well described on tripadvisor (you buy the tickets at the NJ Transit ticket machine near the Septa ticket counter at 30th Street Station). Another bagel with cream cheese affirmed that Philly bagels are decent. Easily comparable to New Jersey, not so much so with New York because of the water thing.

After getting to New York, I visited the Intrepid Air and Space Museum before taking a bus from the 42nd St. Port Authority to New Jersey. What crap NJ Transit is.

November was "space month" on Discovery Channel Science, and that made me want to visit the Intrepid, and specifically the Space Shuttle Enterprise. The Enterprise never went into space and so it was in fairly pristine condition. I'd like to visit the Smithsonian in Washington where the Space Shuttle Discovery is housed. Apparently the curator wanted the Discovery basically in the condition after it landed after its final mission with no touching up or making over.

I had a food misstep in New York going to Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips fast food. I thought it would be a nostalgia thing, but it's for kids. After having real British style fish & chips as an adult, Arthur Treacher's is crap. I did grab a slice of pizza before heading to New Jersey, and it was mind-blowingly good.

Philadelphia, PA

So my brothers and their families all arrived at the resort on Thanksgiving day around noon-ish just before the big Thanksgiving meal. It was strange at that time that I had already been there for 24 hours and by the end of that day it was strange thinking that it was still their first day.

I was mostly dreading the trip because I didn't know anything about it, but it turns out we rented a whole house at the resort, so I had my own room to which I could and often did retreat. I didn't have to deal with the parents or the awkwardness or chaos of the nieces and nephews. It wasn't that bad.

One of my brothers' family is total chaos. I actually went over to their house the night I arrived from Taiwan and it was a total circus. I could see my sister-in-law caught with head underwater in the whirling rapids with hardly any chance to get a breath. It's hard to believe the great humor and grace with which she handles the situation. She deserves an award.

My other brother's kids are the total opposite: well-behaved, disciplined. If they can be described as soldiers standing at attention, the other brother's kids are like a bunch of baby squirrels playing in the first snow.

The parents continue to be sheer chaos. This was supposed to be a family vacation weekend celebrating their supposed 50th anniversary. But my mother scheduled with my oldest brother for him to go to work on Saturday, with her driving him all the way back to the office and then driving back to the resort afterwards. 

Whatever, all that is none of my business. However, even with the already existing tension with the parents, I offered to drive my brother at the last minute. Even though it was none of my business what arrangements they made for my brother to go to work on Saturday, once they were made, it only made sense for multiple reasons that I do the driving. I meant it as a favor, I'm sure my mother didn't see it as a favor.

The start of the parents' role as chaos began once me and my brother headed out in pre-dawn hours in my parents' car. It was quickly apparent in the mountain road darkness that without high-beams on, the car basically had no headlights. 

The left low-beam was completely out, a fact that I had already pointed out to them on my first day back. The right low-beam was damaged in a fender bender over a year ago that they never got fixed so that the beam pointed in a direction no where near the center of the road. 

Driving on the mountain roads, at points where it was completely safe, I turned off the high-beams and it was like I had turned off all the lights. Every time I had to shut off the high-beams due to on-coming traffic, I also had to slam on the brakes because I couldn't see anything and drive using the line immediately on the right side of the road. 

We had to drive on and deal with it, but since it was pre-dawn with few other cars on the road, it was manageable. Once we hit the interstate, the sky was just getting light, but I opined that if a cop saw us, he'd probably pull us over. So until the sky brightened sufficiently, I shadowed any vehicle in front of me both for safety, and to avoid how obvious our lack of headlights was.

The issue was what to do going back. My brother said that if we departed after three, we would certainly be driving in the dark once we got back to the mountain roads to the resort. Our options were to try to fix the bulb (which would be totally in his realm since I have no idea about any of that), or take his other car. 

The fixing option didn't pan out. He could pull it off if we had more time, but we didn't. But he did tell our parents about the issue, and the mother then called me and asked me to take the car to get it fixed. That was the chaos that sent me near over the edge. Mindfulness practice engaged, I didn't go over the edge. 

But I was furious. I reject cars. I got rid of my car. I got sick of the headache of maintenance and all the baggage that comes with cars. And here I am for just two weeks and the chaos asks me to take her car in for repair. 

I did half-assedly look for the repair shop she mentioned. I couldn't find it. When she gives directions, it's totally from her subjective point of view and doesn't take into account how other people might see things. 

One of my brothers acknowledges that about her. He doesn't listen to her driving instructions because they're so subjective as to be useless. She describes what she did and tells him that and it's nonsense to him, as opposed to when I give him directions when the first thing I ask is what does he see so we can coordinate our bearings (this happened when they were driving to the resort). 

For the return trip, my brother rejected my impulsive idea to just take their fucking car back to them and let them deal with it, so we ended up taking his other car. I didn't look at or talk to the parents until just before leaving the resort (which was just until the next morning).

I was furious (sorta), my other brother invited me to stay at his house for a few days, and I decided to accept. Not wanting to drive with my parents back to New Jersey or deal with them in any way was no small part of the decision to go to Philly. So the last thing I said to them was confirming they were alright driving my brother's car. 

So that's why I'm in Philly now. 

Funny thing about this traveling and insomnia, I have been maintaining morning sitting. Before leaving for the resort last Wednesday, departure was delayed so I started sitting. So it happened that when everyone was ready, I stuck my sitting cushion into my luggage which was otherwise near empty. 

As insomnia continued, I would get up early in the pre-dawn and do sitting, which was very pleasant in the mountain quiet. After the manifestation of chaos on Saturday, on Sunday morning I was sitting and thinking about the chaos when a huge blue throne-like block visualized before me and said "LET IT GO!". I thought that's probably a good idea.