I might just have found a way to take advantage of insomnia to help progress my training into the nature of mind. Insomnia may no longer be a source of frustration and suffering and become an opportunity to appreciate.

I've had two experiences during insomnia whereby I was able to force myself into a dream state while essentially still being aware that I was still awake.

The first time was a few months ago and I wasn't posting anything so I didn't write about it, but I remember it. It was a bout of insomnia and eventually I turned on the TV to something mindless, maybe LPGA or some other sport or CNN.

During the mindless listlessness, I would start drifting into light sleep and start having dreams, fading in and out. At one point I faded in during a dream that had been interesting and I didn't want to leave it. So I wondered if I could force myself to sink back into the dream. I tried it and it worked!

I was able to force myself into a dream state that certainly was no where near REM sleep. The dreams were vivid and chaotic, too chaotic to relate afterwards, but with many elements memorable for a while.

This morning was back-end insomnia. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. After a couple hours of ritual music listening, and an uncomfortably high body temperature that may have been the source of the insomnia, I tried to see if I could force myself into a dream state instead of trying to sleep. It worked!

That's weird, right? But that's what's important. The dream state definitely wasn't sleep. I was awake, but dreaming. When I was trying this out while the music was still on, I was fully aware of each song that was playing. I was fully aware of the position I was lying in, which was dictated by discomfort from high body temperature. But I was dreaming.

It wasn't lucid dreaming, whereby being in a total dream state, and being consciously aware of it and having some degree of control where to go in the dream. I was actually awake with an active consciousness, and in the dreams I wasn't aware that it was a dream, I'd still be just going through the dream as I went through it, without the thought, "This is a dream and I'm aware of it". I had no control over it.

That's super weird even as I write it.

Actually, at one point there was a lucid dreaming-like incident where I remember wondering if I could create a situation and was briefly able to do so. But what that was is a secret at this point. Saying it's a secret possibly gives away what it was, but I'm still not sure how to breach the topic.

Another important aspect that is different from the first time is that back then it sort of happened organically. This time I was trying to force myself into a dream state and it was difficult to maintain it. All during it I was aware and worried that I'd lose it and come out of it. Sometimes I'd come right to the edge of coming out of it.

And one thing I clearly remember: the me in the dream state was like a "dream body" and distinct from my physical life consciousness, but there is a nexus between them where one becomes another. I remember there was one point that I was just getting into the dream body, but failed and coming back to consciousness was actually a shock, it kinda hurt.

I'm a little bowled over about what to make of this. Important to note that right now I'm in full conscious awareness and I know I can't go over and lie down on the bed and make it happen. It's that twilight, intermediate zone of mind between wake and sleep that is particular for insomniacs where these ideas can be revealed and explored.

If the true Buddhist path is anything, it's exploration of the nature of mind.

The past few months . . .

I guess I could've just continued posting like I had been posting; cycling, gym, insomnia. I guess it probably was getting boring, and nothing about posting now suggests anything less boring. Just marking time, I guess.

It was a super mild and dry winter in Taipei. All my preparation and bracing to get through another cold and wet Taipei winter turned out to be overkill; useful for only a handful of days at a time.

I should have been riding through good days in January and February, but just didn't get around to it. Finally getting on my bike in March, I've been struggling to accumulate distance, despite having getting back to the gym regularly since January.

The older you get, the harder it is. Treadmill running at the gym has continued to improve and I've been surprising myself at meeting my goals in incrementally increasing speed and distance. That said, treadmill running and road running are two totally different animals.

At my age, even one mile on the road is as hard as three or four miles on the treadmill. It's one thing for my legs to propel my 145-150 pound carcass over land at a certain speed and another to move my legs while the treadmill beneath me moves at that same speed. The latter being much easier.

To date, treadmill goals I've hit have been to run 45 minutes at no hard pace without injury, complete 5 miles in 40 minutes (8 minute miles), and 4 miles in 30 minutes (7:30 miles). A goal I still want to hit is 6 miles at an 8 minute per mile pace.

Once I hit that goal, I want to venture more towards extending distance road running without injury. I haven't ventured more than one mile on land at a track. And I have been incorporating Pose concepts as I've been able, but I'm still not convinced I'll be able to fully become a Pose runner.

Sleep has been the same as it ever was. Cycles of competent sleep with cycles of insomnia that I take in stride since I don't have to do anything otherwise. If you can't sleep but still have to do something, that sucks. I don't have anything to do, so when I can't sleep, it's actually not a big deal.

Socially, I've only met up with my former Chinese teacher a few times.

ptd. 3/24/19 -ed.