But after initial catching up, we ended up boring each other to death. She came up with her kids and of course they are her priority. I have no problem with them. I've known each of them since they were little mites and adore them in my own way*. But they have no recollection of me and naturally no interest and I admit I have no rapport with children.
In trying to converse with my cousin, there were times I'd start saying something with a point to make, but she would interrupt and hijack it and after that I felt there was no more need to try to make my point. She had her own point; no need to hear mine or for me to impose mine. She's preoccupied with her own situation and struggles with her estranged husband.
Nothing unpleasant, nothing negative, just blah; no connection. No effort or desire to meet up every chance possible.
So yea, I hope I can throw that connection away, which is certainly no revelation. If possible, I hope to cut karmic connections with anyone I've known or met (karmically) in this lifetime, and that has always included her (even if that's even possible or if I can be successful, it likely does nothing with karmic connections with people I haven't met in this lifetime, but still are connected to).
She did help me get my TV remote control issues fixed. Not in the way I hoped, but in the end it had to be done the way it was. But she didn't even try to respect how I wanted to go about it, which says something. Hopefully the past two months without a remote have sufficiently changed my habits so that I don't waste so much time channel surfing.
I don't know if she'll contact me again or whether we'll get together again before she leaves the country, but if she does I'll milk it to see if she can help me get my computer fan replaced. Temperatures in Taiwan are rising going into summer and as my laptop tries to cool itself down, it exacerbates the broken fan issue.
So I no longer consider my cousin a contact, someone with whom I can communicate. Madoka, no. Family, no. I don't expect to hear from my brothers ever again. Maybe my parents might try to call and I might take the call, but that would probably be an accident. If I suspect it's them, I won't take it.
The only person left is the casual acquaintance of my previous Mandarin teacher here in Taipei. We get in contact every several months and meet for coffee or go for a hike. It's just for several superficial hours that I can manage. That's my last human contact in this life.
I've taken cursory looks at my remaining bank account and calculate that I might have enough to make it to sometime next year. Do I want to even if I can? I'm really kind of tired of this all. I'm pretty much done. It's not depression. I don't have a reason (which is the only good reason to abandon a lifetime). But I have nothing left to offer to this life, and this life has nothing left to offer to me.
Eyesight is noticeably declining. I don't know for sure if it's glaucoma, but from computer screen to readings to general environment, it has become a consideration, i.e., not something to take for granted.
* The oldest, Pie (12), has overcome a karmic weight of childhood rage and lashing out, but under my cousin's care and upbringing has become stable and responsible. Gracie (10), my favorite, has always been a delightful, playful pixie and when I hear her speak now reminds me that years ago when she was beginning to talk she had the cutest squeaky voice. Eddie (8), has always resembled the Korean cartoon character Mashimaro and still does. He's a little buddha and I wouldn't be surprised if he turns out to be an incarnation of some past great Tibetan master.
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