Englewood Cliffs, NJ

November 12, from my oldest brother:
Dad had another stroke and will probable (sic) not survive. Mom asked me to email you to make arrangements to fly back.

Nov. 13, from me:
What does it mean from a medical point of view that he will probably not survive? Is he expected to regain consciousness?

Nov. 13, from him:
The main stroke bleed is very large. A breathing tube was placed by the EMTs and it is not clear if he will stop breathing immediately when removed. He will never walk. He probably will not regain consciousness with about 99% but not 100% certainty per a neurosurg.

with a follow up:
I talked to mom this morning and she mentioned that in her mind she would like to wait until you arrived before trying to remove the breathing tube.

Nov. 13, from me:
OK, so is the expectation that I fly over asap?

Nov. 13, from him:
That was mom's request.

Nov. 14, from me:
OK, I'll arrive Thursday morning and take the EVA shuttle from JFK to Wash Br. Plaza around 2p.m. and can walk to the office and get picked up by Grace or mom if that works for you.

Nov. 14, from him:

Mom wasn't too happy about the date of arrival. So if you can get standby on an earlier flight she would probably appreciate it.

The A train would be faster (about an hour) and although not free is not that expensive. Mom might want to pick you up if I let her know your flight info and she knows you will arrive at 9:45am

Nov. 14, from me:
I'm going to stick to my itinerary as decided. Just say you haven't heard back from me. And I really don't want to be stuck in a car with her for an hour after I arrive.

Communications with my second oldest brother were decidedly brief:

Nov. 13, from him:
Not sure if anybody has been able to get in touch with you yet but dad is in the hospital. He had another intracranial bleed and is on a ventilator. Things look pretty bad - unfortunately his chances for significant recovery are dismal. Please give us a call or email when you can.

Nov. 13, from me:
Yea, Tom emailed me and mentioned me flying back, but I'm still wondering if that's really necessary or if not going would be really improper. Thoughts?

Nov. 13, from him:
Hard to say what the timing will be but my recommendation would be to come.


This family has never been big on communication. At least not with me. And I admit I'm not big on asking for information. If there's something they expect from me, I expect them to tell me. And when they don't and surprise me with something they expected from me, I never have regrets about coming across as an asshole.

And that's how it usually works out, too, I shouldn't wonder.

The reason why I posted the whole conversations is because I was trying to get information on what I should do, while also wanting not to come at all. I don't know if what I did was unreasonable, so I put the whole thing up for posterity.

I was fishing for any urgency or immediacy of the situation in hopes of finding a way out if there wasn't any. They both said I should go back, but neither said to get my ass on the next flight out. There was the "mom's waiting . . ." bit, but no indication that I might miss a window of consciousness if I delayed or why I should rush back.

So I was left with "come asap", and no direction and completely in my discretion what "soon as possible" meant. For me, I went as soon as it was possible for me, which meant moving slowly and decidedly and in my comfort zone.

My refusal to even consider changing my flight is based on nobody giving me guidance on what would be preferable. I made my decisions based on their sparse information, and if they wanted me to go sooner, they should have said so before I booked a flight. And I didn't exactly rush to book the flight. There was plenty of time for feedback.

And what no one knows is that I was pretty set on resisting going, but my cousin Audrey called from Switzerland pretty early on during those email exchanges convincing me to go. We were on the phone for about an hour and a half (at around 4 a.m. for me) and I told her I didn't want to go but she changed my mind, so that my resistance to going was actually pro forma. I was already going to go unless they found there was no need.