I think it's fair to say that if I commit suicide, it would have been decades in the planning. Has there ever been anyone who prepared so well for a suicide in terms of limiting impact on others? Probably, but you've never heard of them nor has anyone written about them. Why? Because they limited their impact so that there was no one to write anything nor anything to write anyway.

If I commit suicide or simply disappear, which would be preferable, there isn't anything anyone could say about me that would be valid or current. There would just be the fact. They would be left with just the fact and nothing else to say beyond it.

Mind you, it's very intentional that I'm writing "if I commit suicide". I've been contemplating and aspiring toward it for years to the point of meaninglessness, which I suppose also adds to the lack of impact if I actually succeed. I'm all talk and the only meaning to this blog would only come from actually doing it. If I'm still talking, that's all it is.

I deserve to die. After all, I've put so much effort into dismantling my life so that there's no social value to my existence and withdrawing from everyone who was in it so that no one would be significantly affected by my dying, that I should be rewarded for it in some way, don'tcha think?

Years and years of continued existence, frittering pathetically away in base enjoyments of reading, watching TV and videos and listening to music and maintaining a marginal, nominal mindfulness practice is hardly any reward. I deserve better than that.

It's so sad, embarrassing and pathetic reading what I've written and re-written over and over repeatedly and redundantly about suicide and killing myself and realizing I'm still here years and years later.

Those patients with schizophrenia who are more intelligent and better educated, for example, who perform better on measures of abstract reasoning, and who demonstrate greater insight into the nature of their illness, are more likely to kill themselves. (p. 84, Night Falls Fast, Jamison).

The experts agree that I'm no great intellect or abstract thinker. Thanks. Of course, I'm also not schizophrenic. But I haven't been diagnosed otherwise, either! Wait, what am I saying? That I still might be schizophrenic which would just prove what a failure I am because I haven't committed suicide?