Had this facebook messenger exchange with my cousin Audrey over the course of a few days:

Audrey: Merry Christmas and happy new year.
Me: You too, and the kids! But we're not Christian. And we celebrate Lunar New Year and that's not for a month.
Audrey: You celebrate no holiday.
Me: I have nothing to celebrate.
Audrey: Celebrate that you are still here. (emphasis mine)

Gob-smacked. Wow, was that a stunner. Celebrate that I'm still here? Why? Who would say that to me? I just can't get my mind around anyone saying that to me whether they know me better or not. OK, it's more understandable from someone who doesn't, but from my cousin it near took my legs out from under me.

It's hard to describe the feeling. Wanting to punch her in the face? No that's unimaginable. Punch someone else in the face? Yea, something like that. Undirected aggression without anger. I almost felt insulted. So insulted that it almost amused me. Like I said, hard to describe. Disgust in there, too, a bit. Bitter, bad taste in my mouth. Celebrate that I'm still here. *smack* *smack* *bleah*

I'm still sifting through the layers of possible meaning and reason. Was she being characteristically tone deaf about an issue that should be lightly trod or was she  joking? This is the mind of a suicide, folks (often frustratingly unreadable, double entendre intended).

My cousin and I do that simple verbal sparring thing where some nonsense is said that's sort of a challenge to the other how to respond. That's what my first response was, not that I meant it to be. So then her reply follows in that same vein and is also a joke and a challenge. My reply as well, with glib hyperbole and faux dark tones that "people who know me" might wonder if I was being half serious and roll their eyes and ignore it as a result.

So was her last line joking or earnest? Logic suggests it's a joke. And if it was a challenge of 'let's see how you respond to this', she clearly won. I haven't responded. If it were a face-to-face exchange, and more clearly joking around, I likewise would have lost with no way to respond. And that's the point of the game.

Ah yes, it's actually a game in Korea, I've seen it on TV. Two people take turns trading taunts trying to trigger the other person. I've seen it in Chinese movies, too, where it's like a poetry duel using verses instead of taunts. They can range from the non-sequitur and absurd to pure zen. People everywhere engage in it with friends as a matter of conversation.

So I was successfully triggered. I can let it go. Did she mean to go too far? Well, that's the point of the game. Did she know she was going to far? Never mind the mind of a suicide, how about the mind of an acquaintance?

Short answer is that she has no idea about me and has stated as much ("of course you'd never commit suicide" were her approximate words and then going on without waiting or looking for how I'd respond). The longer answer is that she should at least have some sort of awareness and may be in denial. She has been exposed to ample evidence that something is not right with this picture and it wouldn't take much to put the pieces together to not brush any possibility aside (like she did).

Of course I would never commit suicide? Why? What gave her that idea? Buddhism probably. It's the perfect excuse to not deal with something she knows she can't deal with.

It is also totally possible that her final response was purely sarcastic. I was being sarcastic. Do you know what sarcasm is?