I live on the third floor of a residential low-rise in a flat sub-divided into four discrete apartments. I don't know any of my neighbors. I don't know what they look like. Very rarely we might pass one another coming or going. I wouldn't recognize them passing on the street. I don't know anything about them except their audible departure routines in the morning or when they deviate from it.

When I contemplate my demise scenarios, it's safe to say there would be little impact on them except in the unfortunate circumstance if I bite it in my apartment. If I don't leave a body in my apartment, there would be little to no disruption or disturbance in their lives beyond the bustle of the disposal of my belongings.

They know just as little about me, and flipping the scenario I would experience little disruption or disturbance if any of them were to no longer be among the living. If they died in their apartment, I don't think any of them are so disconnected and isolated like me that people wouldn't come looking for them before olfactory factors became necessary to alert the world of their passing. Whatever the scenario, the bottom line is I wouldn't be very much affected.

There are two people in Taipei that I know and have met with socially in the past . . . let's say five years, albeit rarely. If either of them died, I don't know how the news would even get to me, and it's not a stretch that it just wouldn't. I just wouldn't find out. Exactly the same if I were to die.

I have a nominal facebook presence. Again, no one there would know if I died unless someone plied my computer post-mortem and stumbled across my page and were to tactlessly and tastelessly announce it to a reply chorus of "aw gee, that's too bad" at best. Any announcement to inform my contacts would have to be made on my page, so that's pretty freaky. Speaking from the grave. That's actually a great idea. Write the announcement in my voice. Get creative.

And on the flipside, if any of most of the couple dozen contacts I have were to die, . . . well, I'd probably at least know about it. Some are as active as me on facebook or even less and maybe there would be no one to mention them dying. But my response couldn't be much more than "aw gee, that's too bad". I'm not involved in their lives. I don't make contact with them or try to be more than an abstract, internet presence. Even people I've known from long ago who were much more than "facebook friends", we're not present to each other now. Effectively "aw gee, that's too bad" friends.

Finally, all that's left to contemplate is a few family members. What if Audrey or any of my cousins or either of my brothers committed suicide? There's no reason for me to think any of them would, but none of them thinks I would, either. It's impossible to really know what it would feel like, even going deep into the scenario in meditation, but I'm having trouble imagining myself reacting much differently than how I would expect them to react if I died.

Whatever impact there is, it would be something to experience and then pass. It would pass. Again, there's no involvement in each other's lives. If I died, what difference would there be in their lives except the knowledge that I'm now dead? If any of them died, what difference would there be in my life? Only the expectation that they're out there and available for a possible hypothetical future meeting up? Not good enough. If they care, they should be present. If I care, I should be present. We're not present, so we don't care. Voilá, we have a meeting of the minds.

My finances are secure beyond my prior estimate of not lasting much beyond June. Several more stopgap months have been added with a possible scenario that could push things well into next year. Nothing of my doing. Same as it ever was. No looming anytime soon. No hands are going to be forced. We all know what that means. Well, that my hands aren't going to be forced, and I know what that means.

It means despite my intentions and aspiration, my life will continue to chug along for the foreseen future. And that "possible scenario" I mentioned I'm just gonna assume will happen with as much certainty as me not dying from some alcohol-related health failure.

If it doesn't happen? Great, we have loomage! And if I do die from some alcohol-related health failure? Great, plan B worked. When the aspiration is to die, not even laziness is a deterrent.

I'm pretty disappointed with myself, writing like this. Last August was supposed to have been the great wake-up rallying call to stop floating by on the conveyor belt of daily routine to get me mindlessly from day to day. I even cut back on drinking as a result of that revelation. In February I flogged myself for betraying my aspiration by attempting that humiliating failed money injection into my bank account. That said a lot.

And now it sounds like I'm resigning myself once again that since I don't feel the looming need to execute my life plan to die, I won't. No matter how I feel, no matter what circumstances I can point to about how it's different this time and need to do it, I've been through that before. I know it's a pattern. Past patterns of my behavior suggest I will continue to go from day to day on the conveyor belt of routine as long as there is money left; i.e., no looming. Because that's how lame I am.

I'm trying not to be defeatist about it. I still have my theoretical plan in place with a time frame, but the likelihood that I'll actually go through with it is doubtful to the point that it can be dismissed. This disgusts and frightens me. Sort of. Mindfulness practice prevents actually feeling those things as something real.

Actually, my mindfulness practice has gotten suggestions that this entire scenario is my path. It's not a test or a challenge whether or not I'll do it or not nor that doing it means success or not doing it is failure. It may very well be that is completely not the point. The point is to exist in it now and not be pulled by attraction or aversion one way or another. It doesn't mean to be lazy about it, either, like whatever comes happens and just accept it. That's lazy. It's more recognize what's happening, as well as my reactions, and focus a laser-like attention to it to try to realize this is the path in the most profound and personal way.

I feel that suicide is my chosen path for this lifetime? Fine, keep pursuing that instinct. I know from experience that's not going to go away. Circumstances arise which make me decide not to do it right now? Fine, it's not a problem. It's not cognitive dissonance. Or if it is, that's the path.

I have a Tibetan Buddhist book I've read many times over which has a title that I never quite understood, Confusion Arises as Wisdom. So many times I've looked at that title and wondered 'what does that even mean?' Recently I feel that I'm starting to get it intuitively, if not realizing it's obviously the simplest iteration of what's at the heart of Mahamudra teachings. The ontological or existential confusion that arises in our experience contains the wisdom that is embodied in everything in and around us and is constantly being taught and manifest. But no one would buy a book with that title.

I recognize the cognitive dissonance of feeling the need to commit suicide in this lifetime (at least) to further myself on my path, while also thoroughly not minding all the little distractions and enjoyments of living. There's this big thing I want to accomplish, but there are all these little shiny things I love. I'm not suicidal, but that's what I really, genuinely want to do. My life, all things considered, is pointless just living it otherwise.

There's the dissonance of thinking I'm on a certain path while rejecting the idea of finding a teacher to help me advance on that path. But there is likely no teacher that would accept or advocate my aspiration to commit suicide. Nor should there be, I'm not complaining. That's why I don't have a teacher. I've chosen this course and know I can't find a teacher, mentor or advocate to help guide me. I can't even find a friend to drive me, finding a teacher is quite out of the question.

But these dissonances hold the wisdom that I can learn from as long as I keep the core values in place, which is to not cling or be attached to anything attractive, and not to be averse to anything repulsive. Whatever else is going on around me is karma playing out, ignore it, not my business. Family? Not my business, ignore it. Where the money's coming from? Not my bidness, ignore it.

But even clinging, attachment, aversion and revulsion are confusion arising as wisdom, or perhaps neurotic dysfunction arising as wisdom in my case. They happen. But then also recognize that those things clung or attached to will need to be cut loose and let go. It's in their nature to happen and to be discarded. Things that are avoided and create aversion will still happen and must be faced and dealt with. In their nature blah, blah, blah.

2017 mix CDs

It seems like there should have been a sea change in the K-pop girl group scene in 2017 with the epidemic I mentioned before of girl groups disbanding, losing members or falling into limbo with inactivity or no news to the point of potential irrelevance. It was shocking. Yet here I am with no problem still filling two CDs for 2017. New groups have emerged amidst new trends and new top groups. Same as it ever was.

All the extra video links are supplementary videos that I enjoy. The full stage "camcorders" are room sound quality (poor), but they capture the full choreography and the audience noise, and are the closest facsimile of what it might be like to actually be there. I started linking the unofficial stage mixes by a user whose editing skills are amazing in 2016 and continue here (they also serve as a terrific review of fashions and variations girl groups go through in the course of a promotion). And then other various and sundry videos that I like.

(updated 1/15/2019)
2017 mix CD, part one (zip download):
1. Girl Front (Odd Eye Circle (LOOΠΔ)) (music video)
2. Baby Face (Cosmic Girls (WJSN)) (official audio)
3. Rookie (Red Velvet) (full stage camcorder, stage mix)
4. I Don't Like Your Girlfriend (Weki Meki) (live version, full stage camcorder, funny relay version)
5. Excuse Me (AOA) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
6. Irony (Park Bo Ram) (audio only)
7. Bippity Boppity Boo (Berry Good) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
8. Yes I Am (Mamamoo) (full stage camcorder, ad-lib compilation stage mix (captions recommended), unofficial stage mix)
9. No Thanxxx (Epic High) (lyric video) (audio only)
10. The Weatherforecastors (All Day Sunny) (Grace) (audio only)
11. Aloha (Pristin)
12. Signal (Twice) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
13. Gashina (Sunmi) (dancers gender reversed version)
14. Love Me (Lee Hyori) (audio only)
15. Jealousy (Baek Ah Yeon)
16. Night Rather Than Day (EXID) (full stage camcorder, live version)
17. Love Cherry Motion (Choerry (LOOΠΔ))
18. Some (Bolbbalgan4)
19. Listen to This Song (DIA) (official audio)
20. I Think I Love U (Sonamoo) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
21. Nalari (S.E.T) (full stage camcorder)
22. Only U (Laboum) (full stage camcorder)
23. Roopretelcham (Elris)

2017 mix CD, part two:
1. WoW! (Lovelyz) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
2. Happy (Cosmic Girls (WJSN)) (unofficial stage mix, full stage camcorder)
3. Heart Attack (Chuu (LOOΠΔ))
4. Bing Bing (AOA) (full stage camcorder)
5. Wee Woo (Pristin) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
6. Will You Go Out With Me? (DIA) (full stage camcorder, live stage, Eunchae focus cam because super cute, unofficial stage mix)
7. Red Flavor (Red Velvet) (full stage camcorder, Seulgi focus cam, unofficial stage mix)
8. Dlwlma (IU)
9. Stars (Rothy)
10. In the Rain (Kisum)
11. Pow Pow (Elris) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
12. Would You Like? (Tymee) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. Rolly (Good Day)
14. DDD (EXID) (full stage camcorder, funny parts switch version, even funnier parts switch audio over live version)
15. Last Carnival (Juniel)
16. Pastry (Nine Muses) (audio only)
17. Kiss on the Lips (Melody Day)
18. Love is Sudden (MIXX)
19. Everyday I Love You (feat. Haseul) (Vivi (LOOΠΔ))
20. Glass Shoes (fromis_9)
21. Twinkle (Lovelyz) (unofficial stage mix, full stage camcorder)
22. Hz (Hashtag) (audio only)
23. Heart Shaker (Twice) (live version, full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
24. Hwi Hwi (Laboum) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)

2016 mix CDs