My finances are secure beyond my prior estimate of not lasting much beyond June. Several more stopgap months have been added with a possible scenario that could push things well into next year. Nothing of my doing. Same as it ever was. No looming anytime soon. No hands are going to be forced. We all know what that means. Well, that my hands aren't going to be forced, and I know what that means.

It means despite my intentions and aspiration, my life will continue to chug along for the foreseen future. And that "possible scenario" I mentioned I'm just gonna assume will happen with as much certainty as me not dying from some alcohol-related health failure.

If it doesn't happen? Great, we have loomage! And if I do die from some alcohol-related health failure? Great, plan B worked. When the aspiration is to die, not even laziness is a deterrent.

I'm pretty disappointed with myself, writing like this. Last August was supposed to have been the great wake-up rallying call to stop floating by on the conveyor belt of daily routine to get me mindlessly from day to day. I even cut back on drinking as a result of that revelation. In February I flogged myself for betraying my aspiration by attempting that humiliating failed money injection into my bank account. That said a lot.

And now it sounds like I'm resigning myself once again that since I don't feel the looming need to execute my life plan to die, I won't. No matter how I feel, no matter what circumstances I can point to about how it's different this time and need to do it, I've been through that before. I know it's a pattern. Past patterns of my behavior suggest I will continue to go from day to day on the conveyor belt of routine as long as there is money left; i.e., no looming. Because that's how lame I am.

I'm trying not to be defeatist about it. I still have my theoretical plan in place with a time frame, but the likelihood that I'll actually go through with it is doubtful to the point that it can be dismissed. This disgusts and frightens me. Sort of. Mindfulness practice prevents actually feeling those things as something real.

Actually, my mindfulness practice has gotten suggestions that this entire scenario is my path. It's not a test or a challenge whether or not I'll do it or not nor that doing it means success or not doing it is failure. It may very well be that is completely not the point. The point is to exist in it now and not be pulled by attraction or aversion one way or another. It doesn't mean to be lazy about it, either, like whatever comes happens and just accept it. That's lazy. It's more recognize what's happening, as well as my reactions, and focus a laser-like attention to it to try to realize this is the path in the most profound and personal way.

I feel that suicide is my chosen path for this lifetime? Fine, keep pursuing that instinct. I know from experience that's not going to go away. Circumstances arise which make me decide not to do it right now? Fine, it's not a problem. It's not cognitive dissonance. Or if it is, that's the path.

I have a Tibetan Buddhist book I've read many times over which has a title that I never quite understood, Confusion Arises as Wisdom. So many times I've looked at that title and wondered 'what does that even mean?' Recently I feel that I'm starting to get it intuitively, if not realizing it's obviously the simplest iteration of what's at the heart of Mahamudra teachings. The ontological or existential confusion that arises in our experience contains the wisdom that is embodied in everything in and around us and is constantly being taught and manifest. But no one would buy a book with that title.

I recognize the cognitive dissonance of feeling the need to commit suicide in this lifetime (at least) to further myself on my path, while also thoroughly not minding all the little distractions and enjoyments of living. There's this big thing I want to accomplish, but there are all these little shiny things I love. I'm not suicidal, but that's what I really, genuinely want to do. My life, all things considered, is pointless just living it otherwise.

There's the dissonance of thinking I'm on a certain path while rejecting the idea of finding a teacher to help me advance on that path. But there is likely no teacher that would accept or advocate my aspiration to commit suicide. Nor should there be, I'm not complaining. That's why I don't have a teacher. I've chosen this course and know I can't find a teacher, mentor or advocate to help guide me. I can't even find a friend to drive me, finding a teacher is quite out of the question.

But these dissonances hold the wisdom that I can learn from as long as I keep the core values in place, which is to not cling or be attached to anything attractive, and not to be averse to anything repulsive. Whatever else is going on around me is karma playing out, ignore it, not my business. Family? Not my business, ignore it. Where the money's coming from? Not my bidness, ignore it.

But even clinging, attachment, aversion and revulsion are confusion arising as wisdom, or perhaps neurotic dysfunction arising as wisdom in my case. They happen. But then also recognize that those things clung or attached to will need to be cut loose and let go. It's in their nature to happen and to be discarded. Things that are avoided and create aversion will still happen and must be faced and dealt with. In their nature blah, blah, blah.