practice musing I

I often express a disparaging, if not humble, view of my mindfulness practice. I've called it lazy and undisciplined, and without a teacher or community is perhaps dangerously unregulated. But I've been re-assessing my view of it in a positive self-affirming way so that it doesn't seem quite so bad.

I don't exactly live the hermit ideal, but I think living alone in urban isolation with minimal human contact is a good thing for the path. Or it has good aspects. It takes a lot of energy to interact socially with people, whether it's at work or for pleasure. I mean it takes lots and lots of energy that people don't notice because it's natural for them to expend energy in that way. I notice because I'm not.

During the few times I've gotten together with people over the past however many years, I've noticed that once engaged in social interaction, it's a steady stream of energy, of being "on". All the cogitating, processing, input, measuring responses and reacting is all energy expenditure. Again, all of it very natural and normal but a lot of fucking energy! Once good-byes are said, I can breathe and relax into myself into the state I'm in the rest of the time, virtually all the time. That state has benefits for practice.

It's hard to transform, as practice encourages, when so much energy is spent on normal, everyday social interactions. For me, without even noticing, I'm able to use that energy in self-observation and contemplation and allowing for transformation whenever opportunity arises in both affirming and challenging situations. And I think I have transformed a lot in positive ways on the path (and regressed mindfully on *ahem* occasion). One good indication is how terrible I am at interacting socially now. I used to be reasonably social, but now I couldn't meet a person and hold their interest for more than a few sentences. The opposite is true, too, mind you.

And not everyone can do that. Most don't even want that, I shouldn't wonder. They'd get lonely and start craving company. I daresay there's a lot I've cultivated being able to do in furtherance on the path that people would say is not for them. This is no point of pride nor tooting my own horn, mind you. It's just recognizing different ways of looking at things.