I reckon it's safe to say there was little material worth in my being on this planet. I have no problem with that. To me, to have material worth means to have some appreciable presence to others, some contribution to their lives. It's not a high bar. If you have friends, you have material worth. If you have one good friend, you have material worth. If you have family to whom you mean something aside from just being family, you have material worth. It's not hard to have material worth. I was ultimately not much of anything to anyone; didn't try to be, didn't want to be. I do realize I'm tailoring the definition to fit me.

However, to me, I suppose mindfulness practice and any insights gained towards transformation was worth traveling the path of this my life. Transforming anger to calm, chaos to quietude, craving to questioning, negativity to . . . not being so negative (that's the best I can hope for), etc. This is the important stuff as far as I'm concerned.

The process over the past however many years has been to become less reactive to what the world presents to me. It just is, so let it be just as it is. Don't be thrown by the throes of emotion regarding things that are uncontrollable and just aren't that important and will simply come to pass in time. I'm so glad I have nothing to do with that stuff. I'm also glad to have nothing to do with stuff that actually can be perceived as important and will not simply pass if not handled wisely and mindfully. Child-rearing, for example. All of it, as the mantra goes, none of my business.

I daresay mindfulness practice has been effective through the years. I've written about my failings and discrepancies, but those weren't conclusions as much as goals to overcome. And I do astonish myself by progress I may have made when I look back and recognize things I no longer react to nor am swayed by mindlessly.

On the other hand, I also recognized that I shouldn't get comfortable with the benefits of mindfulness practice, thinking I've accomplished something. There still always were pitfalls if I didn't recognize the weaknesses in my practice and the need to maintain a high doubt regarding it. If I slipped, it's a slippery slope.

Among the most important things, I realized, is to not think I've accomplished anything. It's important to keep in touch with my entire life prior to engaging in mindfulness practice and remember how immediate in this life I was an extremely reactive, emotional being like everyone else; tossed and thrown by what I perceived reality presented and thinking it real and important and doing plenty of stupid shit in the process. Like arguing. Or falling in love.

It's important because any accomplishments in one life may not carry over into future lives if they haven't been so inculcated as to become a part of one's karma. Like, well, falling in love. I don't want it, don't need it, but I can't say it's out of my karmic stream. In this life, I'm confident I wouldn't get attached or even react to something like that. It would just be something to observe and not be emotionally swayed. I think I'd just be amused by it at this point.

Anger, too. Anger is more dangerous because I know I can still be pushed to anger. It's immediate, virulent and as seductive as love. Nothing amusing about it. It takes moments and mindfulness to recognize it and shut it down. To be able to do so is an accomplishment, but it's not necessarily something that will carry over as karma into future lives. It can with disciplined and effective practice, but otherwise anger is part of the human emotional software package because on an animal evolutionary level, it does have its use.

To be safe, taking a tack of self-doubt, these sorts of mindfulness practice accomplishments are just for this lifetime. When this my brain structure ceases to function and karmic energy is transferred to a fresh, new reincarnated infant brain, I don't think my practice has been so good that those things like love and anger, etc., won't be reset to default. Growing up, anger will again be the immediate reaction to anger stimulus. And as any hormonal teen, lust and love will have their effect and attraction. I shalt fornicate again.

Finding the suffering they cause will be things that would have to be re-learned by the person the karmic energy ends up in (I almost worded it like it would be me, it would not). And realizing that kind of suffering is something not desirable is a completely different step to re-learn, not to mention the realization that it's even possible to try to eradicate it, that there's a choice. Maybe that's where my practice in this life kicks in and makes it easier for that person to realize. Hey, maybe my current life is exactly that model. I am this way because it's what someone cultivated before.

Karma may be thought of as being like a message in a bottle to future lives. Doing positive things and keeping a positive mindset is the equivalent of sending positive karma into future lives. There needs to be purity in intent. If you do good for the purpose of getting positive future karma, the karma is more about being manipulative or doing things only if there's a benefit. Sending positive karma into future lives is about transforming into a positive being who does good things as a result of being a positive being. But each incident of doing something good for someone else helps into becoming a positive being, so each incident can contribute to the message that will be sent in the bottle.

On the other hand, maybe you get angry easily and lash out at people and argue a lot. You can think of it as having inherited it as karma from someone who was just like you and didn't do anything about it. You can't blame them for it, your actions are your own responsibility. But if they had tried to work on emotional control and being concerned about the suffering they caused, that karma may have come to you like a message in a bottle and it would be in you to be different or able to change.