It feels like the month-of-July-long heat has "broken" for whatever that's worth. It means walking outside and thinking Oh, this isn't that bad, meaning it doesn't feel like I'm about to spontaneously combust. And that's all it means. It's still wretched hot, but optimistically knowing it could be worse. These are the standards we're working with here.

And my daily-use street bike effectively "broke". Of all things, it was the seat tube that broke near the top where the seat post inserts into the tube. Can't be fixed. It's because I set the seat high like on my road bike to get the most power out of leg extensions (who thinks like that for a clunker bike?). But low-end street bikes aren't constructed like road bikes and setting the seat high basically created a lever point near the top of the tube and after about or over 10 years of pressure on that point, the steel just ripped. This wouldn't have happened if I set the seat lower, I shouldn't wonder. I'd never've thunk it. There must be a metaphor in here somewhere.

I can still ride it standing on the pedals so it still has limited use (alcohol runs to the mega-mart), but it's no longer a comfortably assumed daily-use ride. It means my daily routine has to be re-tooled for not having my own bike and utilizing Taipei's YouBike bike-share. And walking.

Unlike if my computer broke, I'm not even thinking of buying a new bike. This is a permanent disturbance in my dearly-held daily routine, but not a fatal one, just another brick in the wall. I'll try working with it and assess the annoyance factor. But it hints at how fragile I'm treating my life and routine. This isn't going to make me definitively decide to end things, but shows how things can be shaken, and at some point something's gonna change and shake so much that I'll supposedly decide that's it. Everything changes, I'm waiting to see how much change is too much for me, short of funds running out, having to move, losing running water or any number of things that trigger the fack-fackitty-fackaroo.

This kind of bike is commonly used by anyone in Taiwan. I wouldn't be caught dead riding something like this in the U.S., as temptingly intriguing as a sight that might be (the dead part, not the bike part). Note the height of the seat. The seat post doesn't go very far into the seat tube, and every time I grabbed the back of the seat to maneuver the bike manually it put strain at that juncture. If the seat were lower, the pressure would've been more spread out along the tube. 

Detail of the seat tube steel rip. If I grab the seat from the back, the whole thing levers forward and I imagine it wouldn't take much force to just tear it off completely. I've found if I lift the seat from the front to maneuver the bike manually, it's fine. I also found that I could lightly ease myself onto the seat for balance and that's more stable than riding standing on the pedals. I won't try putting my full weight on it anymore, though. 

Dragging myself through these days, appropriate because these days are quite a drag.

It's not that I'm not trying to throw something, anything, up on the computer screen, just nothing I throw is sticking. I've tried multiple ways of saying any number of things, but there's just not a lot to be said of these days. And this isn't gonna be any better.

Stupidity in the U.S. and the complete lack of unity or leadership? China emerging as world power evil as the CCP reveals its true face in pushing back against increasing global realization that China has ambitions for absolute world dominance by any means necessary (pretty much acknowledged fact through leaked internal memos) is a dick? World affairs are not my forte and the less I say the better. Saying any more about these things would just be a drag.

Zooming in to a more local view and, ugh, just hot. Daily life dictated by how to react and deal with the heat. Daily afternoon thunderstorms contribute to the rigidity of routine regarding where I am when. It's a drag. Time to buy some women's clothing, the kind lumberjacks wear.

Zooming into micro, I'm wondering if I really may be done with all this and a next serious attempt may be at hand. I think it's been over or about 10 years since the last serious attempt and I wonder how serious that was. Meh, I thought it was a serious attempt back then and I'll leave it at that without over-thinking myself. And a 10-year gap doesn't mean it hasn't been ever-present. Not writing about it constantly just meant I didn't want to constantly repeat myself redundantly over and over again. Unlike my jokes.

I mentioned before that my financial status quo would require a visit to the bank in June, and I haven't done that. And I don't think I will or can unless I get another attempt under my belt. The timeline has to be: attempt → fail → go to the bank. The important thing for me is the attempt. The important thing to note is the assumption of the fail. I'm just yappin', which just might be taking the edge off feeling the need to do it.

The thing about an attempt to succeed is that I can't be thinking particularly clearly, and recently I've found my thinking vague, scattered and unclear. I'm not even sure what that means. Writing this sounds kinda clear and suggests this will all pass, but even that is part of the fuzzy and spiraling and confusing and lacking in stability or solidity. These are good things!

Whatever, I have no idea. I said this wasn't going to be any better than the nothing I haven't been able to get out in the first place. 

Oh, thank god I was wrong last week about "summer heat kicking in". We're in a veritable, this-is-no-drill heatwave, government declared with warnings raised island-wide of consecutive days of 100°+ temps and to look out for pets and grandmas in distress. If this was something normal I'd have to say again fack-fackity-fackaroo! Very big NÖPES on the bearable scale. We've already had the hottest day of the year so far and the 2nd hottest day in June ever. Sleep has even been unsettled and I keep the A/C remote next to my pillow along with my stereo remote (I still can't fall asleep without background music, such is the drama in my life).

Something about a stationary front off the north coast of Taiwan locking in hot weather for the rest of the week with developing moisture allowing for possible afternoon showers. Oh, and I misspoke about daily afternoon squalls related to the plum rains. Plum rains are just copious and unpredictable through May and June. Daily afternoon squalls are regular summer patterns in some years. Afternoon rain could mean respite, but in a heatwave it might mean humidity to clear all plans and find some place air-conditioned and hunker down. Humidity to hope for a CCP virus outbreak that sends the country into lockdown just to sit in front of A/C or a fan all day. The worst is when it rains in the morning during the summer but then the sun comes out and all the water on the ground evaporates into a 10-foot thick invisible pall of humidity that just hangs over the ground.

There was an annular solar eclipse this past Sunday during the heatwave-when-I-didn't-know-yet-it-was-a-heatwave that wound its way from Africa all the way to the Pacific O ending after crossing Taiwan. My brother actually sent me an email last month before I knew anything about it, but it turned out to be a southern Taiwan event. As small an island as Taiwan is, journeying to the south from Taipei still requires logistics and planning beyond the scope of my daily life. Although I didn't expect anything in Taipei, right when annularity occurred I just happened to be in a store looking out glass panes and noted that it looked like I was looking through tinted glass. Then I realized I was looking out an open door and it was an eerie darkness outside with sunshine and shadows still clearly delineated. I stepped outside for the few minutes it lasted. Other people had also noticed and had their phones out as well as cars with automatic headlights that turned on. I'm not sure what to make of it. Was it a partial eclipse in Taipei that wasn't covered anywhere in the news? The sun was bright in the sky, but on the ground everything darkened for just a few minutes. It must have been a partial eclipse, otherwise there should've been no effect at all. Such are my powers of logic.

Summer heat has officially kicked in and the early hints suggest it's gonna be another ridiculously blazing hell hot summer. I managed to not turn on the air conditioner until June. By then I was already suffering the heat at times, and even then I'd only turn it on for short periods to take off the edge. And that's what I've been doing until today – I'd reach a point of misery that I felt justified in turning it on for 15-20 minutes.

Today was the first day of summer pattern air con usage whereby I turn it on and set the timer for an hour. I'll still usually turn it off before the hour is up, and that will be sufficient for the next hour or two until I fire it up and repeat the process, balancing comfort with saving energy. Again, I remind myself how lucky I am to have air conditioning and the liberty to turn it on at will, which may be why I also try to show restraint.

I look at the 10-day forecast and note that the plum rains with their daily (but unpredictable) afternoon squalls are probably done and the stretch of clear, sunny days and roasting temperatures are just plain scary (every day highs in the high 90°s (feels like over 110°) and no lows below 80°). I'll need to be wary of heat-related health issues when I'm out and put a strict limit on the radius I can ride my bike to go anywhere, beyond which I have to take public transpo. I need to activate the app in my brain to recognize when I need to take a hydration stop at a convenient store to avoid getting into trouble. This is all very obvious to regular people possessing "intelligence", but I like living on the edge, surprised I haven't fallen off of it.

Taiwan has reached 56 days without any domestic spread of the CCP virus. That's four consecutive 14-day quarantine periods, eight weeks, without any domestic cases. A single quarantine period was deemed sufficient for any cases of the CCP virus to manifest, although a further 7 days of self-health monitoring was recommended to be sure. So after four quarantine periods, who is there in the population that may unknowingly have it and could still be spreading it? Logic and the numbers, admittedly I'm weak at both, should indicate ZERO. There is no one in the general population who has it, so no one can spread it. With no one to spread it, no one can catch it, such are my powers of logic.

Theoretically, ALL restrictions across the board could be immediately dropped and people can fully return to life as normal. Where would a new case come from? Only from abroad, and indeed the only new cases have been returnees, and in the past 56 days I think they were all caught during the mandatory 14-day quarantine upon arrival and isolated for treatment.

I just gotta say, DAMN Taiwanese are a patient lot! In some countries which have pampered and privileged portions of their populations, people would have revolted after one quarantine period with zero cases of domestic spread. Of course Taiwan never went into lockdown and restrictions haven't been too onerous. I think people were just so grateful to avoid the suffering the CCP unleashed upon the rest of the world that they were willing to put up with the meager restrictions beyond what logic dictates. And if government action has kept us safe, might as well keep listening to them.

And as promised, the government has loosened many restrictions after 56 days of no domestic spread. Practically speaking, not ALL "restrictions" across the board are being dropped. The fact that many parts of the world are still grappling with the pandemic makes it wise and acceptable to maintain baseline disciplines and vigilance. Social distancing, mask wearing and proper hygiene are still strongly encouraged. I'm good with hygiene. I take a shower once a week whether I need it or not.

This is a K-pop post I thought of composing two years ago, but decided against it because of the likelihood I wouldn't "feel it" in the long run. It would be dated and I would be embarrassed having posted it. And it's still an embarrassing post, it's K-pop, but two years later I came across the videos and still liked the idea of the post, so maybe not something I'd regret. 

I imagined myself going back in time to my younger self in 2003 when I was living in the Mission District in San Francisco and all about indie rock: Modest Mouse, Versus, Death Cab for Cutie, Rilo Kiley, etc. And I would say to my younger self: watch this video and pay close attention to it and tell me what you think of it (I, of course, would know exactly what my younger self would think of it). 

My younger self would say, "Holy fucking shit, what the hell was that?", and I'd tease, "It's a 'K-pop' song (appropriate finger gestures). This song is hot in South Korea this very year, what'dya think?".

"Just 'what the hell?'" I'd reply, "It's pretty fucking weird, why are you showing me this? And what happened to your hair?!"

"Because", I'd say with a dramatic pause, ignoring the jab at my thinning hair, "15 years from now a K-pop girl group is gonna cover this song and you're gonna be all over it watching it dozens of times, geeking out about how super fun and cool it is. You'll even read the lyrics. And not only that, but you'll also already be into the entire genre by that time".

"Aw, that's fucking lame. Whatever. Well if you say it's gonna happen, then it's gonna happen. I know things change and I'll change, but it doesn't matter to me now, it still looks pretty stupid. Oh alright, show me the clip 15 years from now."  I knew I would take the bait (the two older gentleman in black in the audience are the original artists.)

I honestly have no idea how my 2003 self would have reacted to this video. I was a real snob, all about real musicians writing their own songs and playing their own instruments and I would have resisted this concocted pop confection, but I knew a hype beat and cool groove when I heard one and I think I couldn't deny it was pretty infectious from the get-go. I hope I could've managed a conciliatory, "Actually not that bad".

It's possible – I don't know how possible – that I might have thought if my future self traveled all that way to show me these videos, I may have been hinting something to myself. Maybe to not be closed-minded about music and be open to what can be done. Beyond that I don't know if my life course would've changed any. Probably not much, except knowing that time travel was possible *yawn*. And that I'd still be alive 15 years later *sigh*. Not that I'd change anything since I know I'd be stubborn like that. I probably wouldn't have figured out I wasn't hinting at anything at all and was just using time travel for inter-dimensional geeking out.

May 3, 2004, 2:28 p.m. - My San Francisco apartment in the Mission District. Band posters for Versus, Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse and Rainer Maria. The cat's name is Ransom, sitting atop a first generation Bose AM-5 satellite speaker cube. I'm told those original design Bose speakers are much better than what came later.

I was in a grocery store walking down an aisle when I saw a baby shoe on the floor. A parent must have come into the store with an infant child and at some point the baby lost its satin shoe. I didn't know how long the shoe had been there, as far as I knew the parent was long gone. I wasn't about to go out of my way for something that could be nothing. 

But it was a small-medium sized grocery store, not a mega-mart or even a U.S.-size grocery store. I figured it wouldn't be going out of my way to do a scan of the aisles to look for any candidates for babies who may have lost a shoe. I noted what number aisle it was and went to the front of the store where the cashiers were and planned to walk the breadth of the store looking down the aisles to see if there were any parents with a small child.

But just as I got to the front of the store, I spotted a mother with a stroller who had already gone through the cashier and was heading out but was rummaging through the stroller looking for something. A quick glance at the baby's foot confirmed this was the baby with a missing shoe and the mother was looking for it. I got her attention somehow, mind you I was listening to music and was wearing a mask and a baseball cap so I hope I didn't look scary or crazy, and indicated for her to wait and quick-stepped down the aisle where the shoe was, retrieved it and handed it off to her and disappeared back to my browsing as quick as possible. 

I don't doubt for a second she was grateful, but didn't need to feel any personal gratitude from her. I wasn't doing her a favor, I wasn't doing any good deed. The way I saw it was here was this mother with a mystery, an unknown. It could have been my cousin at one point, it could've been my sister-in-law. Where is the shoe? The baby has one shoe, but it had another shoe, where was it? I on another hand knew the answer to the mystery. I knew where the shoe was, I had just seen it. She could backtrack her way through the store and eventually find it if it was important enough or just chalk it up as a loss (from my experience it's important enough), but I knew exactly where it was. All I did was put a mystery together with the solution in the most efficient way possible. I just shared information.

In what for me would be an ideal scenario is that she would've gone home and later that evening told her husband or other family member or friend what a great country we live in. Where people look out for each other and do selfless, considerate things out of nowhere. I don't want to gloss Taiwan over, we have our share of shit-fuck assholes and lord knows I've probably been one or felt like one or perceived as one at times, but I do know what I did wasn't an isolated incident. There is a lot more civic-mindedness than not here, which I feel has been emphasized lately by the successful response to the CCP pandemic.

Strange. Contrary to the theme of my relatives not wanting me to have anything to do with their kids, which I'm wondering whether it's all in my mind, my sister-in-law just sent me this pic. It killed me to crop out my niece's face, but my sister-in-law once upbraided me for uploading a pic when she was but a baby and she has since given no indication that injunction is no longer in force. She's almost 14 now, so if anything it's even more absolute that I would need specific permission to upload any picture of her. 

She said this puzzle was one of the first things Tessa pulled out to do when New Jersey went under lockdown for the CCP pandemic. I got this for Tessa's birthday no less than 5 years ago. At the time I knew she was too young for it, but as always, then as now, I couldn't say when I would have another opportunity to give it to her. I fully expected the pieces to be scattered far afield in the chaos of childhood with four siblings in total, only to be found years later in various rooms, closets and cupboards of their house or lost in vacuuming or cracks in the sideboard. 

I love the painting, Georges Seurat's Sunday Afternoon on La Grande Jatte, in no small part due to the Sondheim musical Sunday in the Park with George (which I've geeked out about long ago in the early days of this blog). I've been collecting pieces with the painting on it for years, but it's gotten quite pointless (hahaha! geddit? pointless? ugh *clunk*) given my life circumstances. When I saw the jigsaw puzzle in Taiwan, my first thought was "me want", followed quickly with "but vhy? (Transylvanian accent)". So then I thought to get it as a present and give it to one of my brothers' kids. I felt it would be passing something on even though they wouldn't know why or the meaning it has for me.

So I was moved and tickled pink to see that Tessa had kept the pieces intact all these years (with help from her mom, no doubt) and finally completed the puzzle and that she's growing into a mature young lady, about to enter high school in the fall, CCP virus willing.

Still, I wonder about my sister-in-law and other brother sending me something about their kids for the first time ever recently. Also the smattering of superficial contacts by random people. And meeting up with both of the people I know in Taipei (I met up with the French guy last week). I doubt it has anything to do with the CCP virus and people wanting to connect in a time of crisis. I'm no doubt the bottom of the barrel of people anyone would want to contact for connection. Maybe some confluence in the universe resonating into these occurrences. They don't mean anything, they just happen.

On a sidenote, Stephen Sondheim's 90th birthday happened during the CCP pandemic and an online "concert" was organized amid the lockdown to celebrate it. Apparently even the critics who had doubts about it were impressed by the quality, and even people who don't like "show tunes" can appreciate the sheer brilliance of the songwriting in the way they are presented and described by the participants. Whenever participants described Sondheim's impact on their lives and career, I would think, "me too", even though it didn't become my life or career. From Broadway star to Hollywood celebrity to simple appreciative fan, Sondheim made us all equals in awe of greatness and the immeasurable gift he has given to American music and theater.

I had a big scare a few days ago that my laptop was about to die, but it turns out the malfunction was just a Windows 10 update forcing itself upon my laptop without consent. I thought updates were supposed to be benign, that they get remotely downloaded to your computer while it's on and you don't even notice until you shut down and you're informed of the update and it prepares to load it the next time you turn it on. It's not supposed to put your computer into what looks like critical condition with everything slowing down to pretty much non-functionality. I was afraid my laptop was having a stroke. 

At points when functionality seemed better I did shut it down and turned it back on and there was never any indication that it was an update. It was so bad that at one point I started emergency back-up of music folders thinking it was about to die. And then during one shut-down, it froze and I decided to do a hard shut-down, convinced that was it and the screen had flickered its last. 

I contemplated the grand scheme of things. I contemplated whether I'd be getting a new computer that day. Laptop or desktop? This laptop hasn't left my apartment in the three years that I've had it. Are monitors required with the purchase of a desktop? I use my flatscreen TV as my monitor so why would I get a monitor if I don't have to. Nah, this flatscreen is a bit dodgy, definitely get the largest monitor possible. Really? New computer? That's a month of living. I live on a thou a month; a third of that is rent, most of the rest is alcohol and food. If I don't extend my funds in June, then I'd have until September instead of October. So I'd be buying a computer to live to September. But then I'd probably extend my funds just because I bought a computer. This is not any consideration.

What am I thinking about new computer and months of living and extending funds? The computer's dead, let my computer days rest in peace. For me, that's it, I'm done, this is the looming I've been waiting for. Fill out the May bi-monthly gas meter form that has already been posted downstairs, wait till the end of the month and pay June's rent, and finally go with Plan A. But wait, if my computer's dead and I disappear, then I won't even be leaving a computer to be investigated regarding my fate.

It's a total conceit to think anyone would bother, but at least leave the option for that one in a thousand dozen chance that months later someone, probably a cousin, will be looking around my apartment after my disappearance has been established as fact (and mystery) and my belongings need to be disposed of, and a flash question in his mind whether there may be any clue on my computer about what happened. Quite honestly, get on my internet browser and this blog is not hard to find unless you don't know what the Brave browser icon or the Blogger icon is or looks like. Actually, knowing my life, it wouldn't matter whether I left a working computer or not. This is just me over-thinking things.

I pressed the power button one last time without any confidence to see what would happen, and a few minutes later the update screen came on. No, it wasn't a stroke, my laptop wasn't dying or in critical condition. Instead it had been violated. It had been taken over by the Windows 10 update and done doggy-style right in front of me. But now it was being updated. I swear there's a lesson or metaphor here somewhere, and I swear it's probably going over my head. Story of my life.

It's already blazing hot in Taiwan. If it's this hot now, what's it gonna be like in July and August?! However, vloggers in Seoul are mentioning that it's also summer hot there, so it may just be a regional weather system that's nothing out of the norm. I haven't turned on my air-con yet, which I only do when I'm confident it's a daily necessity, so I'm counting on a few more 80 degree days or weeks before summer really hits in all its glorious 90s-feels-like-100s misery. Is it strange to consider 80-degree range temps as being cool and refreshing? Foreshadowing the future? New normal? I'm so glad I don't have kids whose future I would be worried about after I'm gone; preventable misery and suffering caused by humanity's stupidity, short-sightedness and greed.

I used to love hot weather when I was younger, so getting tapped out by this heat is . . . a change?, not unlike becoming a wimp about pain and blood becoming a cause for immediate attention with band-aids and ointment like a 6-year-old (again I ask what happened to me?). And a bottom-line consideration is how it affects quality of life and when and whether quality of life goes below the fack-fackitty-fackaroo level and makes continuing on not worth it. That can't be determined until I turn on the damn A/C, which might make things tolerable? It's so pathetic what my quality of life is dependent upon, but also emphasizes that my current quality of life standard is subjectively pretty bare bones. I'm flying right at the edge of what I think is tolerable, which is just getting day-to-day with as little turbulence as possible. On one hand I have no idea how low I can go, but on the other maybe just one little change will be determinate. I just don't know.

In March, I found out that the last injection into my bank account did actually go through, it just took a lot longer than expected. Usually it took a month, but this time they said it would take two months, but in actuality it took four months. And in that period of time when I thought it wasn't going to go through, I was able to get into a mindset to prepare for end-of-life looming. So when I found I have funds to last until October, I was already assuming I wouldn't be going to the bank anymore; good riddance to that always-sucky experience. Furthermore, if it's taking four months now, I would have to go to the bank in June to extend beyond October. Meaning I'd have to decide to do something soon to affect something that wouldn't matter until October.

None of any of this means anything; any future projection is just fortune-telling. The best assumption is that I'll just do what I do based on past pattern, meaning I will go to the bank in June and hope banks in the U.S. are functioning during the CCP pandemic. I'll keep merrily rolling along as long as I'm able until I'm unable, despite how stupid and pathetic my existence is. I still maintain, though, that it's not worthless. I have had hints that when the shit hits the fan, when I'm finally really faced with my personal end-game, that I will be able to let go and unravel my neurotic attachments, inhibitions and aversions and that it will be liberating, despite how much I seemed to cling to them while they were there here. Once they're gone, I'm out and don't hold on to anything because that's what I mentally cultivated, and that is the greatest comfort I could possibly hope for.

Hm. I guess this is a follow-up to my previous post. I responded to my former Mandarin teacher and we met up for an afternoon at a Starbucks. We met wearing masks, but abandoned them once we sat down. Seating is restricted in public places with seats marked off as not to be used to enforce social distancing, but we managed to snag a table just as other people were leaving. We discussed the current CCP virus situation and compared notes and she was impressed by how on top of the information I was, which gave me reassurance that the English-language news I'm getting is accurately mirroring what's in the Taiwanese press. And actually most English-language news is merely translated from local reports; they mostly don't have their own reporters in the field. 

We reflected on how we're in one of the safest places to be in the world, thanks to quick thinking and action by the government and fundamental mistrust of anything the Chinese Communist Party says (assumption that they're lying is just as fundamental as any intelligent American assuming Trump has no idea what he's talking about or doing (ironically, except about China)). One thing Taiwan is missing out on is reports of cleaner air and waterways and nature re-asserting itself once disruptive human activity is curtailed. Our traffic, noise and air pollution is for most part the same as usual.

We agreed that the government hasn't been absolutely 100% PERFECT with two slip-ups that could've gotten out of control and we were just lucky they didn't. In early April, Taiwan has a tomb-sweeping holiday where people are supposed to go to the graves of their ancestors and clean them up and pay respects (remembering both where you came from and where you're going, maybe). Social distancing went out the door and the government wasn't fervent enough about telling people to be vigilant and there was a public worry that asymptomatic cases could have been spread during all that contact.

The second was a navy vessel returning from a mission and it turned out there was an outbreak onboard with sailors allowed into the general population without proper quarantine upon arrival. The government quickly gathered information on all the places every sailor went throughout the country and created a map of hotspots that they released to the public, informing them if they had been at those places at certain times, they needed to monitor their health for any sign of the CCP virus. Every contact that any of the sailors had, numbering in the thousands, were contacted and instructed to self-quarantine. As the military should have heightened responsibility, appropriate reprimands were issued (actually I think the defense minister requested to be reprimanded).

To date, only sailors aboard the ship have been confirmed with the CCP virus, 31 in all bumping the total number of cases in Taiwan to 429. Since no one in the general public appears to have contracted it from them, I consider the navy case a closed system, and the number of cases in Taiwan to reasonably be considered 398, under an artificial benchmark of 400. 

I mentioned I didn't expect to hear from my sister-in-law until next year, but she sent one of her usual emails and it was substantive enough that it will take several months for me to respond, putting our correspondence back on its twice-a-year schedule.

And out of the blue, my second oldest brother, the one who seems to want nothing to do with us, or me at least, but will act appropriately when he has to, sent me a YouTube video that his son made of himself playing a violin trio by/with himself. My brother had mentioned he was learning bassoon, but never mentioned violin. I will respond appropriately with genuine praise and appreciation of the performance, but what may be interesting is this is the first time anyone has shown interest in me showing interest in the kids. Obviously if I show no interest in the kids, I have no right to complain about any of their lack of communication with me. Their kids are their lives, and if I show no interest in the kids, I don't deserve any attention. 

Before this, neither of my brothers or the aforesaid sister-in-law nor my cousin Audrey have tried to interest or prompt me about their children. Quite the opposite, whereas parents would seem to want to brag about their kids and involve relatives in their lives, I've gotten nothing from them about their kids. Audrey is especially egregious since she knows how much I love her children, but they've totally forgotten who I am and the last time I saw them they couldn't even acknowledge having known me. It isn't missed on me that no one has provided updates on the kids for me to respond to. Or it may be me. Similar to how I've given the impression to people I know in Taipei that I don't want to hang out, I may have projected to them that I have no interest in their kids, even though I've always responded to any news they gave about them. Bottom line, I'm not complaining, no fault to them. Things just are as they are, and of course there's my credo not to be something to someone and then disappear, which is my perpetual end-game. 

Finally, what I said about that French guy, I recently discovered a place selling Vietnamese banh mi sandwiches. Vietnam, of course, was once a French colony and banh mi sandwiches famously use French bread and the quality of the sandwich depends on the quality of the bread (i.e., requires a French person's seal of approval). I know my friend appreciates banh mi so I shot him an out-of-the-blue email about the place and he responded that he would be going there the next day with his family, describing his infant daughter as a French bread monster. He suggested meeting up for lunch sometime soon, and per what I said in my last post, I guess I have to accept.

Why have people been randomly and meaninglessly contacting me lately? It has nothing to do with the CCP virus, I'm sure, and even less about concern, god forbid, since none has been expressed.

The first was my cousin Audrey who, last I heard, was living in Switzerland. I know nothing about what she's doing now and don't even remember the last time we had contact. Our back-and-forth via Facebook Messenger (which is not communication as far as I'm concerned, but just throwaway chat) was: 

I am back to Taiwan now

How was I to reply to that on a throwaway chat forum? "Good for you"? "Good to know"? "So? Why are you telling me?"? Note the absence, what she's not saying. She's not trying to get my interest, she's giving me no real information, she's not asking anything from me, she's not prompting anything, she's just throwing out a raw fact without any indication what she expects in response to that raw fact. If she used proper grammar "back in Taiwan", I could have just assumed she was just visiting, but "back to Taiwan", if that's what she meant, suggests something more permanent. My response couldn't be much more than her message, that would be rude:

Permanently? lol. 14-day quarantine?

Her: 14 days quarantine 

I gave her no more than she gave me, so perhaps it was appropriate for her to throw nothing back at me. At least we had a meeting of the minds. But she didn't even answer my first question. If she's moved back permanently, that's significant to me and I'd inquire further even if getting information from her would be like pulling teeth. If not, messaging me at all was pointless and she just put an exclamation mark on how unimportant we are to each other. It's possible she didn't understand it. Or as evidenced by her response to emails in the past, it's more likely she didn't even read it. Anyway, I decided to give her a little bit more to see if I could prise why she was contacting me:

Well good, most imported cases are coming from Europe, so just do it. If I had a car I'd visit, but no unnecessary travel these days. Epidemics spread when people move. 

Her response finalized this was a meaningless exchange and ended it right there and then:

Yes

Next was an email from a classmate in my first Mandarin class when I came to Taiwan in 2006. We've only had the sparsest of contacts over the years and have no idea about anything about each other. She sent to me and another classmate who still lives in Taipei: How are you both doing? 

What the hell is that? Is that how kids communicate these days? And she's not even a kid, she's a lawyer the last I heard. And what did she expect in response to an email out of nowhere basically saying: 'Tsup, dude?. In polite company, if I'm contacting someone from whom I haven't heard in a long while and wasn't really that close to in the first place (it was a three-month class and she left early to go to law school), you at least include a greeting (Hey guys,) and you ask some directed question to show your interest (how ya'll doin' with the corona virus), and you say something about yourself to give some context and also something to respond to (I just quit my job, I got married, I have cancer, I'm in *city/country*).

An appropriate response to her email I think would've been Could be better or wazzaaaap, like in the old Bud commercials. Actually 'Tsup, dude? would also have worked appropriately as a response. Instead I waited a few days to see if the other person responded and then deleted the email. That was just rude as far as I was concerned. Mind you, the other person on the email, a French guy, I haven't heard from in years, but if it struck my fancy I'd contact him to get a bite to eat, and likewise if he contacted me to meet up I'd respond accordingly. We've had much more substantive contact in the past and nothing has been lost.

The third person contacting me is pretty much as insubstantial but warranted a polite reply. We hung out for just a short time after meeting way back in 2010 before she moved abroad; it was fun, nothing bad happened, we exchanged music collections on hard drive (which I've mentioned has become a bit of a music listening nightmare, but that she even referenced as a prompt for her message, listening to Pearl Jam that I had given her). I never unfriended her on Facebook. We had a short exchange on Messenger but unlike the previous person it was a proper exchange. It was just random and unnecessary. But nice. And keeps her on the radar. I met her through the aforementioned French guy.

Finally, different from the others, my old Mandarin teacher emailed me. We saw each other just about a year ago when my sister-in-law's sister visited Taiwan in that disastrous meet-up. And of course I'll respond favorably to meeting up with her. There's nothing unusual or meaningless about her contacting me. Finally, someone normal. 

Actually in January, I think my old college friend Madoka tried to engage in an email exchange, perhaps trying to revive something of our old connection, but that failed. I tried to respond appropriately to keep it going, but I think there's just something about the way I communicate or what I communicate that kills it for other people. I have no problem taking all the blame for that.

And my sister-in-law sent an email during the Oscars because of the Korean thing (Parasite won best picture) and we shot a few emails back and forth until I think maybe she realized she's only "supposed" to send me two emails per year at six months intervals and me replying around the middle of those six months. That was the pattern I had observed from a few years back. The exchange we were having seemed like what normal email exchanges are like: an email is sent and if it's something interesting you want to respond to, you do. And that keeps going until it plays out. My sense about our exchange was that she realized she maxxed her quota of emailing me and stopped. I didn't think it was done and even started a draft with something that I thought would be interesting to her, but then that was all. I don't expect to hear from her until next year.

Mind you, I'm not complaining at all. I'm just describing my observations. It's sinking in that I'm really not all that likable in any respect, and I'm not trying to be likable or reaching out. My Mandarin teacher even wrote "If you don't mind hanging out with people", indicating that even to her my countenance expresses I don't want to hang out with people. That French guy probably feels the same. I would hang out with them, I just don't communicate that to them, so no fault to them.

WordsCharactersReading time

I finally bought a face mask. Nobody cared once I started wearing the mask. It's not the kind being rationed and people are lining up for out the doors of national health-affiliated pharmacies when "apps" tell them they're available. Not surgical nor "PPE", but the kind that folk all around Asia wore regularly pre-CCP virus because of pollution that are sold at any convenience store. I figured those all would have been bought up so I didn't even look, but I started spotting them and figured better than nothing and bought one.

Good timing, too, as the government just announced that face masks are now required on all public transportation. It was a bit of a surprise announcement because Taiwan is still not that bad off. As of April 1, face masks were required on the High Speed Rail and the TRA national rail system, but originally the government was considering requiring face masks on all Taipei buses and the MRT on April 9 when it was forecast that Taiwan's supply of face masks would allow for people to buy 9 masks every 14 days.

I'm not sure why they suddenly decided to require face masks on public transpo and pushing "social distancing" more aggressively, but it's not a bad idea. On one hand, I don't think it's necessarily necessary. Our numbers don't really require it. All cases are still being traced and monitored and most are imported cases that are being discovered in quarantine. New domestic cases have mostly been able to be traced to contact with previously identified cases, so the threat of community spread is still low, albeit as present as anywhere in the world.

On the other hand I think it's a good idea just to keep people from getting complacent about Taiwan's success in slowing the spread. I've felt that going out in the past week. We have it under control, the danger is very low, I don't need to worry about it. But measures like this might be a reasonable, psychological way of keeping people vigilant that there's always a danger. I heard that South Korea also had the CCP virus contained early on, but then it took a single person, "patient 31", who belonged to a Christian cult that ignored the threat and precautions and sparked a spread that went out of control and infected thousands. No one can say that can't happen in Taiwan if we let our guard down, not just the government but the people.

Some western reporting on Taiwan's response (slightly outdated in terms of numbers, currently we have 355 cases, 5 deaths and 50 recovered and discharged):

There was also one by the BBC, but no one trusts the BBC (I meant that as a joke based on the satire Broadway show The Producers, but then).

My primary news sources are China in Focus and the far more snarkier and sarcastic China Uncensored. I've been trying to watch NBC Nightly News, but I've found their worldview to be annoyingly micro and emotional, and if that's the kind of news Americans are getting, it's woefully insulated and deflecting from the larger, global view. Yes, stories about the front-line medical health care workers is worthy, but . . . after a while I just find myself forward arrow skipping through most of it. And I'm already streaming at 1.75x speed to save time.

I was somewhat shocked when I saw the "L"-word in the headline of a local news story, some doctor calling for a total lockdown based on his assessment of how easily Taiwan's medical facilities could be overwhelmed if the CCP virus starts spreading here. My estimate is that's probably 75% irresponsible, alarmist bullshit and 25% legitimate warning for Taiwan to keep an eye on its resources and preparedness and beefing up our weaknesses. Actually, I think we're currently still in a comfortable enough position where I think we would be able to set up a task force just to do that as a smart thing to do (Come on, President Tsai, get with the program*) (edit: The government announced on April 7 that they were doing pretty much exactly this).

Calling for a lockdown is akin to calling for an economic shutdown, and looking at places where lockdowns have been warranted and implemented, their economies are being devastated. True, epidemics spread when people move, but when people stop moving, so does business. I haven't heard of any assessment of Taiwan's economic ability to handle an economic shutdown, but the prospects can't be good. Lockdowns are a last-ditch, desperate measure to fight a manifest threat. They shouldn't be used as a preventative measure when they aren't absolutely necessary. Bills need to be paid, money still needs to be moved, products still need to be consumed.

Currently, business is still going on in Taiwan, albeit not-quite-as-usual. People themselves seem to be refraining from "moving" if they don't need to and I've observed generally less people and traffic about. But people and cars are about and buses still running. Streets, parks and playgrounds aren't deserted. I still think about 60% of people wear masks out in public, and my personal opinion is that fewer actually need to, and "social distancing" isn't a mandate but only practiced when noticed and convenient. Higher mask-wearing percentages are observable on public transportation, work places and service businesses.

The mayors of Taipei and surrounding New Taipei City have both stated that lockdown procedures are coordinated and in place if ordered, although I imagine Taipei's mayor is getting excited in the groinal area at the thought of a lockdown as he's an authoritarian, control-freak moron. It would be the ultimate hard-wank for him to put Taipei on lockdown, but it's good, I suppose, that they have a plan. 

Me? I . . . actually don't know what a lockdown means or how I would be affected. I might be totally screwed. My main concerns are, of course, food and alcohol; being able to get out for food and alcohol and stores being open to get food and alcohol. Hopefully, it would be like the U.S. where essential businesses (including liquor stores!) would be allowed to stay open and I think convenient stores in Taiwan qualify. Hypermarts may qualify, which would be good. OR lockdown can mean more sitting meditation and less of this neurotic scanning the news for updates how things are going. Come to think of it, I should welcome an alcohol supply cutoff. 

* Just a joke. President Tsai's administration has been getting stunningly high approval ratings in regard to handling the CCP virus and mainland China. They didn't always get high ratings as it suffered some hiccups early on, most notably from a progressive, worker-friendly change to labor laws that didn't take into account the far-reaching effects that sent ripples of chaos and uncertainty down the supply chain. Some industries just don't work the way the law demanded, and many of the workers the law was supposed to protect were actually disadvantaged. There was a lot of backtracking (and face-palming) in the wake of that fiasco. 

Skimming the news feed these days is like watching the world burn while Taiwan is still a relatively safe haven where my daily routine has only slightly been inconvenienced. Taiwan has done a great job in slowing the spread of the CCP virus (Chinese Communist Party virus, i.e., the Winnie-the-Pooh* Wuhan Panda virus) and keeping the public safe and informed. It has been efficient and effective in implementing well-reasoned measures that has kept people calm and brought out civic-mindedness that by my measure is already at a pretty high level in society.

First off, Taiwan was extremely quick out of the gate at first hearing of a fast-spreading disease in Wuhan, China. Experts were sent to assess the situation and flights from Wuhan were immediately thermally screened for people with fever or signs of illness. That was being done by the end of December because the current Taiwan government is uniquely tuned into when the CCP is covering something up; whereas much of the world is willing to follow CCP propaganda (hopefully that will change now). At each point in escalation, Taiwan ramped up protective measures. Taiwan already had an emergency response system set up as a result of the SARS epidemic in 2003 which also started in China, and activated it giving us a centralized command post to specifically deal with it. Another unique feature about Taiwan is that the government was able to coordinate the immigration bureau and the national health system to identify who was returning to the country and using the health system. If they had come from China, and increasingly other hot spots, they were checked out.

Taiwan has also been impressive in identifying the sources of who was getting infected and quarantining the people who had been in contact and sending out warnings to people in places where there may have been exposure. For example, an Australian musician had come to Taiwan to perform and after he left he tested positive for the CCP virus. Taiwan traced his flight into the country and sent warnings to the passengers in his immediate vicinity on the flight, quarantined the local musicians and workers who had close contact with him for the concert, sent warnings to people with tickets in the front rows, they determined he had not taken public transportation at anytime and his local driver was identified and quarantined. All of this without scaring the shit out of people and causing a panic. Mind you, I'm just recalling what I read from a news article and not stating it as fact since I can't verify it with multiple sources.

Currently Taiwan still has less than 200 cases, each numbered and most sources identified and whether different contractions were related. Last week I noticed in the news that almost all the new cases were being imported and the next day the government closed the borders to foreigners and ordered all returnees to be quarantined for 14 days. And the quarantines are no joke, at least two people who flouted the quarantine displaying zero regard for the public's health were slapped with the maximum fine of US$33,000. Lesser fines have been levied upon quarantine breakers whose threat was not as egregious. One suspected quarantine breaker was found to have mistakenly given the wrong contact information, but was not fined because the hotel staff where he was staying vouched that he had not left his room. The authorities are being reasonable.

Most recently, the government rejected calls for general testing and responded that our situation didn't warrant it and might even be detrimental because of the high possibility for "false negatives". In South Korea and some places in the U.S. it was done because of how fast it had spread and because it had already reached the level of "community spread". The danger of false negatives was shown in the cruise ships where everyone was tested before the virus manifested, so there were people who tested negative and thought they were clear, but then it turned out they had it and possibly had contributed to spreading it. I'm only guessing here, but it seems our politicians are listening to medical experts and science.

I've been going about my days with heightened diligence as a matter of being civic-minded, but otherwise little is different. There are less people at the libraries which is great, and I get my temperature taken every time I go. At times I notice there are fewer products at the hypermart due to sporadic runs on certain items, but the shelves haven't been cleared since there was a run on toilet paper early on when an advertising agency announced that toilet paper material was being diverted for face masks. The government stepped in and stated toilet paper and face masks were made of different materials and there was no danger of a national toilet paper shortage, and they slapped the agency with a fine for misinformation. It still took several weeks to re-stock and a purchase limit has been imposed. I would have been shit out of luck if toilet paper was made out of alcohol.

I don't wear a mask mostly because it just seems such an inconvenience to buy them. I can always tell when a national health-affiliated pharmacy has them in stock because of the long lines out the door. I ride my bike to get around and the places I eat aren't in high volume areas where there's more chance of spread. I did eat once near Taipei Main Station, still a high volume area relatively, and they took my temperature and sprayed my hands with disinfectant; expected and reasonable precaution. On the streets, probably more than half of people I observe wear masks, but not everyone. On the few times I've taken a bus, 99% wore masks (I was the 1%).

I'm not being cavalier about it, thinking I'm not going to get it. I'm balancing my low-impact lifestyle as a low-impact soul with reasonable actual likelihood that I have it at any given moment and am pre-symptomatic. No one can be 0% positive, but I'm pretty low. Little to no interaction with people, mindful of surface areas I touch (I do carry a bandana and otherwise don't push buttons with my fingertips which are more likely to come in contact with my face), and "social distancing" can be the title of my fucking book! Although the actual title might be, "Yo! Keep the fuck away from me". And that has nothing to do with the CCP virus. I think the highest likelihood of me and transmission is exchanging money.

If I do feel cold symptoms, I'm pretty much screwed. I might consider it a too high a risk to go out, maybe even for food, and of course I have zero social support. I suppose I could use a bandana for a mask, maybe wear gloves although I wouldn't want to advertise that I was unwell, and only go out to get food at nearby convenient stores using my cashless payment card (called "yo-yo card" in Taiwan) so that nothing I touch is touched by someone else.

* CCP Chairman Xi Jinping has been likened to Winnie-the-Pooh which has led to a ban of the cartoon bear's image in China, believe it or not.

My water went off yesterday afternoon. Annoying and anxiety-inducing; I don't know when it'll come back on. I don't know if the landlord gave warning and I didn't get it because I don't have a phone. The last time it happened about 5 years ago, he knocked on my door and gave me an estimate for the outage so I was able to fill the bathtub beforehand for my water needs. I don't know if he didn't knock on my door this time because my cousin managed at some point to suggest to him that I "didn't want to be bothered", which is totally untrue and would be rude, and I told her to communicate to him that was not the case, but I don't know if she did that. Lots gets lost in translation in this family – and not just in language. 

And somehow, without going into any TMI detail, my gut knew about it and the accompanying inability to flush the toilet more than once, and the chronic issues with my digestive system over the past few years disappeared for the time being. It's a minor miracle maybe. 

So far, it's fair to consider it a minor disturbance and I tried to maintain my evening routine Saturday, but I did opt to not drink until way late. Maybe I didn't want to be distracted from the distraction of not having running water (and perhaps avoiding the need to pee more often). Not washing hands or brushing teeth are something I just had to endure, but not being able to take a shower triggered the neurotic in me. I won't crawl under the covers to sleep if I haven't showered. It's just not comfortable and I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, so I knew I was going to sleep on top of the covers (which is no big deal since that's how I nap) and in that case why bother changing clothes to sleep? No different from crashing at someone's place when I was younger.

I did have trouble sleeping, which I anticipated and didn't set the timer on my CD player, but did slip into sleep at some point and had a pretty disturbing and harrowing dream. I was kidnapped and stabbed twice in the process. This is likely a reflection of my true anxiety about having no water; uncertainty and a hunkering down mentality. The kidnap situation lasted the whole dream through a variety of sundry scenarios including a blood-sport, fight club-ish free-for-all amongst the kidnappees. I mostly laid low and hoped not to be targeted while not expecting to survive. Towards the end of the dream there was rumor that lawyers were being sent for to deal with the situation and I thought, "Lawyers? What good are lawyers? That's even dangerous". At some point I established we were in Thailand as I (irrationally) wondered why kidnappings always happen in Thailand. But the lawyer arrived from England and came up the stairs asking about the "Yank", as in Yankee, as in me, and he took one look at me and continued to ask for the Yank. As he assumed I wasn't the droid American he was looking for, I waited for a few beats to let him hang in ignorance before I voiced up. 

Twenty five years ago that would've been racist. Nowadays it would be called "racist" but would also be stupid to call racist. I'm not gonna get into it, but from what I've witnessed in the progressive political scene from afar, the political left has really dropped the ball and gotten stupid, overreacting to every little thing and just putting people on the defensive instead of trying to educate and promote sensitivity. My dream British lawyer would've been racist before because it was institutionalized with negative assumptions and real effects. Today, the British lawyer should be recognized as having come from a certain background with his own experience that informs his subjective view of the world, and he may make assumptions and even mistakes, such as "American" equals "white" or Asian-looking equals "not American", but that doesn't necessarily make him racist now. Plurality needs to acknowledge that. Constantly putting people on the defensive for infractions they didn't even know of eventually leads to a backlash and them going on the offensive and that's pretty much where we are now; a cycle of brazen stupidity is complete with the true racists coming out the woodwork and proud of it.

And, yes, the lawyer in the dream was white and male. Would anyone imagine otherwise when I said "British lawyer"? Actually my true dream British lawyer would've been South Asian and female, but that's a different kind of dream (mm, that accent). He also had long hair and a ponytail, kinda like that Virgin Branson guy. This is all immaterial, mind you, I didn't need to bring it up but it was in the dream that he assumed I wasn't American and I noticed it. 

What I'm actually seriously curious or concerned about is why mindfulness practice doesn't come up when I'm dreaming? I noticed that afterwards. Is my practice not deep enough to have reached my subconscious? Are my reactions in dreams a more accurate reflection of the success of my practice? I kinda think so, maybe. In a dream, if I'm reacting to the dream situation like it was real, then that may indicate that in physical life I'm reacting to situations too much like they're real. The actual reaction should be appropriate, but in extreme and harrowing situations, I think a conscious acknowledgement of mindfulness practice should be present maybe. 

On one hand, I play with the possibility that elements in my two previous posts are causal and related. I wrote about something I "shouldn't have" because I don't have a guru and have no idea what I'm talking about, and that could have led to repercussions. Obviously, this is speculation about phenomena not on this physical plane of existence, which would just be plain silly; albeit arguably not too far removed from psychosomatic reactions and phenomena. It's the difference between psychology affecting physical reality vs. spirituality affecting physical reality. We've started to accept the power of psychology on reality; spirituality not quite yet but perhaps in the future when understanding or assumptions are different.

On the other hand, I remind myself that the dharma is fundamentally benign and non-judgmental. Whatever I'm reading into physical reality is my own interpretation and creation and a reflection of my own (spiritual) psychology. There may easily be no actual infractions or repercussions except as tools in furtherance of the primary dharma aim, which is to cut through delusions. The potential problem is attaching to the tools and not realizing they are delusions anew.

There are stories in Vajrayana lore of dakinis or deities appearing to practitioners and scolding them for "doing it wrong" and correcting errors in practice or rituals. They may be just stories to express something about the teachings. To put it in perspective, some hypothetical storyteller or dharma raconteur could look at what I've experienced and subjectively reported in blog and be inspired to re-work it into a story about how so-and-so practitioner arrogantly created bogus meditations without a guru thinking they were methods of cutting through delusion, so some dakini or deity decided to send a warning affliction to . . . whatever; do whatever for whatever purpose. The aim of the teaching would dictate how the story is told. And who knows?, maybe the actual stories that were the sources for the lore were quite mundane. And yet it may still be taught that on other planes or aspects of existence, they are to be taken literally. It might not be either-or how the stories were created and passed down, or even how they're intended to be taught or understood.

From what I've read it appears that a fundamental flaw in my practice is that I don't have a guru, a guide, but that's an intuitive decision I've made for myself. In this lifetime I don't want a teacher, I don't want to look for a teacher, I don't think I could form a relationship with a teacher. Whatever pitfalls I encounter by going it alone I'm willing to accept as part of my path experience. And the universe goes, "Well, OK then". And the fundamental flaw is still there, but also isn't. If that's the decision I made, I shouldn't worry too much about it. I read warnings about dangers, pitfalls, spiritual damage and harm to karma on a subtle level that's hard to repair. But I don't think that's too different from the analogous things on a physical reality level – the things we do in the course of our lives that are harmful on all sorts of levels.

Also from what I've read, intent is of paramount importance in practice. If that's the case (and I have to take it with a grain of salt) I'm good with where I am with intent, acknowledging I still have faults and failings and am no where near perfect in that regard. The part where I have to add seasoning is that I once had an argument in college with a dear friend, Diem, a Vietnamese Buddhist (I wasn't calling myself Buddhist at the time, but the language Buddhism used spoke most clearly to me), over the primacy of intent. She said intent was all that matters, if your intentions are good then you are doing good. That is echoed in some of my recent readings. But for me, I thought that was naive and argued that consequence is also important, if not more important. If you do something with good intentions but fail to consider the consequence and that leads to bad results, you can't say what you did was a good act (that would be delusion). It's an old argument of nuance that was resolved by adding wisdom to intent. Good intent isn't blind, just allowing for feeling good about oneself, but includes and requires wisdom and foresight.

As for why the pain in my lower back, which I expected to go away after 2-3 days, has continued to linger is still a mystery. Is it psychosomatic? Spiritsomatic? At all related? Age related? Am I still missing something I should have learned? That probably goes without saying. The pain certainly has decreased and I'm not impeded in most things. I still can't sneeze, believe it or not. Actually, in the past sneezing has occasionally triggered the pain. My best guess is that sneezing requires healthy lower back muscles, and the way mine are now, whenever I start or want to sneeze my lower back goes, "Nope, not gonna happen" and the sneeze dissipates unrequited, disappointed, unsatisfied *sigh*. Maybe a good thing these days since if you sneeze or cough in public, people look at you to see if you look sick and might have the Xi Jinping Wuhan Panda virus.

Interesting. There is a topic of personal belief I have about Vajrayana practice, a theory actually, which is that this sort of practice, in my case merely inspired by Vajrayana but still applies, requires or involves a heightened sense of responsibility, levity or vigilance; what I've perhaps suggested as the dangers of not having the guidance and security of a guru or teacher. 

It's not a fully formed theory and I had no idea how to approach it. Basically, any sort of practice even hinting or striving for the Vajrayana level is not a laissez-faire spirituality. Personal doubt must remain high and real repercussions should be expected in case of infractions or violations. In the abstract, any idea of disrespect towards the dakini, or feminine principle, or what any human woman potentially represents, is a no-no. Just don't do it or catch yourself and stop. Obviously that's a less of an issue for female practitioners, albeit with qualifications. It's just an example.

Slightly less abstract would be something like losing one's temper. Any approach to Vajrayana practice assumes a certain level of self-control developed through ordinary mindfulness practice supported by daily sitting. Losing one's temper is not just getting angry, which is part of human experience even in Vajrayana practitioners, but it's negative energy unleashed and lashing out, getting out of control. It doesn't have to be directed at or witnessed by another person. It could happen in oneself even alone and there theoretically can be damage done and repercussions, possibly in the form of health problems or instant negative karma that brings about negative, harmful views, perceptions or even actual incidences that might not seem related, but are. Of course, there's the argument that losing one's temper does just as much damage in a non-practitioner, but there's a higher degree of awareness and responsibility of an infraction in a practitioner.

I wasn't sure about publishing my previous post. There seemed to be a risk in exposing or describing aspects of my not-Vajrayana, Vajrayana-inspired practice that I really have no idea what I'm talking about. Then promptly after posting that, I went into an unidentifiable, physiologically ambiguous physical decline (if I had more contact with people I might have suspected the Xi Jinping Wuhan Panda virus that is all the rage in global epidemic circles) that culminated in debilitating lower back pain. 

I'm no stranger to this lower back pain, it's chronic and I've experienced it sporadically for many years. But usually I feel it triggered, I feel the twinge and know right it away it ain't good and spend the next day or so with a heating pad, Advil and Salonpas menthol patches which I always have in my apartment. I'm dealing with this the same way. I'm expecting it to go away as usual, but this does feel a little different, particularly debilitated, like it has something to do with that post. Energy repercussions. A teaching maybe. 

I mentioned physical discomfort and strife and mental struggles like they were big deals, and there's no problem with that from a personal perception view. We feel what we do and if we feel it as shit, we describe it as shit. But this lower back pain puts those physical problems in the realm of annoyances and inconvenience. They weren't "I can't get up", "I can't go out" constant, excruciating pain problems. And this kind of physical pain overrides and overwhelms any perceived "mental struggles or challenges". I'm not dealing with those when I'm mentally struggling to even sit up or lie down or change clothes or put on shoes!

And debilitating lower back pain?! What if the mandala world decides to send me cancer, or a car to hit me and send me to the hospital or a major earthquake? "I can't get up/I can't get out constant, excruciating pain"? Something can always come up and put that into perspective as nothing, preferable even. But this is my Vajrayana-inspired practice, so yes, it becomes a teaching. I don't mean this as a gloom and doom, it-can-always-be-worse-and-eventually-will-be post, but more of a mindfulness, preparedness post, because the opposite side of the same coin encourages positive mindsets and their power and appreciation for things as they are.

It's been about two and a half years since I had a personal landmark realization. I wrote about it at the time, but I don't think I made much of it because despite being a landmark personal realization, it also didn't seem to be a very big deal. Part of it was OK'ing for myself to just maintain my lazy status quo; no dramatics. Key ideas were about the conveyor belt of routine getting me from day to day, accepting that alcoholism was not going to kill me and cutting back as a result (somewhat), and "looming" as a requirement for getting on with my life and/or death.

Looking back, it indeed was a landmark realization that has conditioned the way I've been living my life and applying my Vajrayana-inspired practice, and it has been personally certifiable as transformative. There were struggles, successes, failures – all internal space, mind you. Swamped in karmic negativity, there was a lot of qualified positive that came out of it. 

Two and a half years that went by just like *that*; not unlike how many of the years prior in the past decade also went by just like *that*, basically biding my time, wasting my life by normative measures of the value of our lives. I don't regret any of it, mind you, as I'm not the regretting kind and I don't give a rat's ass about other people's standards. 

I'm quite happy not to be involved or entangled in anything, and I'm grateful beyond words that I haven't taken the path of relationships or, god forbid, marriage and family. My life has become just about keeping things simple, not getting involved, and just dealing with my own issues. My view of the way so many people live their lives is that they thrive on mess and complication and wouldn't know what to do without it to the point it's not only normal, but almost desirable because the mess and complication is so integrated to the pursuits of their desire. And then they still have to deal with their own issues amidst that tumult! Braver souls than I, indeed, but it's just my projection and most likely doesn't describe how they view their lives. Fine :p

My well-being and health aren't really considerations, they shouldn't be considerations when dying and/or suicide is the goal, although I've still found myself caught up in trying not to feel awful physically and avoiding discomfort. That's an attachment I haven't let go of. Dedicated seekers on the path have. On the other hand, feeling awful and physical discomfort is inevitable as a human being and I have employed Vajrayana-inspired practices when they occur. 

Instead of feeling miserable and accepting the feeling as miserable as fact and suffering as a result, investigating the sensation and the judgment involved in its "miserableness", its miserable nature. There's the sensation. I want to call it miserable. Do I really need to suffer because of it? Expanding Vajrayana-inspired mental "Buddha-fields" to understand this is all practice and my mental attitude is a reflection of how well I'm understanding "the result" aspect of practice. If I'm suffering and feeling I'm suffering and define it as suffering, then the result is that I'm suffering. If I experience physical misery but establish the result is that this is a natural condition of being human and how I live my life and treat my body, then a higher level of acceptance is possible and it's not so much an affliction to suffer but an understanding of the natural course of things. 

The mental stuff I've found is easier (who said that? did I just say that?). And I attribute this to years and years of sitting meditation and mindfulness practice. I don't think it's something you can just tell yourself "it's all mental" and write it off. But that might be what it looks like in describing it. Feelings of sadness, melancholy, depression, even waves of them. I get them in their gripping reality, they come up and mindfulness practice looks at them and goes, "what the hell you doing here?". 

I attribute much of this, perhaps, to insight into teachings on the enlightened nature of all things; the enlightened nature of mind, both the subjective perceiving/processing mind and the objective mind projected in what is perceived by our senses. It's taught over and over again in all schools of Buddhism that our nature is inherently enlightened to the point that it's intellectually meaningless (like many things zen), and requires a non-intellectual realization to push through its meaning (including/especially in zen). And once you do, a lot of the mental stuff doesn't make any sense treating it as what it seems like. 

We treat sadness, melancholy and depression as negative things that are undesirable, but that doesn't square with insight into the enlightened nature of reality and all things. To square it requires realizing those undesirable things are still a part of enlightened nature. It's the result-orientation of Mahamudra practice (as opposed to path-orientation of other approaches like zen, none of which are right or wrong; different tools for different people). Sadness, melancholy and depression are all enlightened expression when you don't attach to those concepts being what they seem to be. 

Great! Fine! Faboo! What about "looming"? I don't know. I don't know if I'm facing a reckoning in 2020 or if nothing's going to change despite the perpetual feeling that something has to. I've recently been taking to heart the saying "If you're going through tough times, keep going". Keep going and you will get through it. Just keep going. But then what awaits having gotten through it? The saying assumes an end of the tough times. For me, "getting through it" means being able to end all of this. And it's not end of tough times because of ending it all, it's a positive ending it all because of understanding and fulfillment.

I may be facing a financial reckoning, or looming, with just a few months into summer left of finances if I don't do anything. I got sick of those monetary injections into my bank account. I was begrudgingly willing as long as there were no problems, but the last attempted injection didn't go through, and I'm so sick of it that I'm unwilling to investigate why. If that didn't go through, there's no reason to believe any other will, so just stop. They were humiliating in themselves, but looking into why it didn't go through becomes desperation and defines desire to live. This is a terrible, horrible, insensitive analogy, but it's like I have cancer of the life and those monetary injections were the chemo keeping me alive. But I've gotten to the point I'm unwilling to go through it anymore. If the chemo isn't working, why keep going through with it? It's a terrible analogy, but it's my mindset.

I think I'll also attribute to mindfulness practice that this looming isn't sending me into a mental tailspin as it did before. May the Buddha-fields, the mandalas, be evermore encompassing.

It's the third day of the Lunar New Year that I've spent in a wonderful solitude. With everyone else living on this floor gone, I've felt a bit more like a hermit. Even though I usually avoid contact with them and have no idea what they even look like, I'm always aware of them when they're around as I can hear their comings and goings. The first three days are the official holiday, and days four to six are when things start getting back to normal. It's possible everyone will remain gone until Wednesday, it's possible they might start floating back tomorrow. I'll know when they return because I will hear them.

My mother was in town last weekend for several days. She had been on a cruise, disembarking in Singapore, and flew to Taipei for a few days before flying back to the U.S. My uncle came up from Kaohsiung to spend time with her. I think his thinking may have been that they're getting old, no one knows when will be the last time they see each other, so take advantage of every opportunity to meet up. Neither of them I figure for being sentimental types, but it's possible. I don't know him that well really. She's definitely not. She said she came to see me, but the truth is we can only stand each other for a few hours at a time so maybe she did ask him to come up. She still thinks I'm working so I always have an excuse to bail, and true to her own work ethic, she would never prioritize herself over someone else's job.

On her last day here (she was flying out in the afternoon), she expected to meet up with me at lunch and initially said that my uncle wouldn't be with us because his son, my cousin Gary, was flying in that morning from mainland China for Lunar New Year and so he would meet up with him and they'd go directly to Kaohsiung by HSR. I had to brace for one more excruciating lunch without his buffer. 

But then prior to that, I realized that didn't make sense. Gary was flying into the airport that my mother was flying out of later that day and they weren't going to meet up? My mother doesn't give a rat's ass – not the sentimental type, I said – but Gary has something like an overblown sense of responsibility and family decorum almost to a fault. In his mind, if there was a chance to meet his aunt (who sat at the table of honor at his wedding), even if only for a few hours, he was going to make it happen. Turns out I was right and when I arrived at the hotel, my uncle was still there and Gary and his 10 year old son were on their way from the airport by MRT to Taipei for us to have lunch before they departed for Kaohsiung, my mother to the airport, and me . . . to "work", of course. I didn't even have time to accompany them to the airport.

There was some discomfort as to why I wasn't going to Kaohsiung for New Years until I came up with the excuse that I had already volunteered to work over the holiday since I was basically a foreigner and the Lunar New Year didn't mean as much to me. I'm a terrible liar, and of course when you start lying you have to back it up, and I hadn't prepped myself for Gary (whose English is decent) to get inquisitive about my job and my having to make things up on the spot, particularly difficult since The China Post went under as a physical paper many years ago (it may still be online, but if it is it's no longer a major news player in Taiwan).  

But there really was no way I would go to Kaohsiung for the holiday. As has happened before, whenever I'm placed in an extended family setting I have to keep my mouth shut. If I selfishly open my mouth to say something, whatever conversation had been going on had to stop and focus on me, the only English-only speaker. I prefer to consider myself persona non grata. I haven't heard from Gary's sister, Audrey, any time recently. I have no idea where she lives now nor whether she's flying in for the New Year, and if she has no expectation of meeting up with me, then really no one does or even should. 

As far as family is concerned, all is as should be. My sister-in-law and I used to email each other twice a year but she didn't at all last year. Doesn't mean she won't, but I ain't expecting anything. I did send that birthday greeting to my brother in July and he responded, but proper form between us meant that was all – greeting and response, it wasn't supposed to be a communication or continued exchange. 

Sometimes I think I just have to face that these people just don't like me, lol! And there's no reason for them to like me, I give them no reason to think I want them to like me. Theoretically I know I can contact anyone at any time about whatever, but my principle of don't be something to someone and then disappear prevents, since my disappearing is always an option or an intention, even if not likely or immediately manifesting. What's their excuse for not contacting me? Maybe I'm lacking in imagination, but the foremost reason is they don't wanna because they just don't like me, lol! Why would you contact someone you don't like? Why wouldn't you contact someone you like and haven't heard from in years?

I know relationships are complicated and this line of thinking is totally faulty. I have friends I've been out of contact for years and nothing is preventing me from saying 'hi', but I don't. Saying 'hi' isn't being something to someone, it's just saying 'hi'. I can say 'hi' and kill myself the next day and it would just be what it would be. No different with family. You just expect them to be there merrily rolling along. No one knows when will be the last time they see each other, so there's no reason to think there won't be a next time.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2019,1:54 p.m. - They day I found out The Living Mall had died closed.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2019, 3:13 p.m. - Sanmin Branch Taipei Public Library, 6th fl. photostitch.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2019, 3:03 p.m. - Through a window on a side street.

3:23 p.m. - The dead Living Mall from the southeast side, access fenced up. It kinda resembles the Jawa sandcrawlers on this side. Total coincident that the sphere on the other side looks like the Death Star.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2019, 2:55 p.m. - Temple on Ba De Rd.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 1:43 p.m. - And all the crap on the plaza outside The Living Mall that obscured appreciation of the architecture.