Sometimes I let my feelings almost catch up to me. Sometimes I think I should let them overtake and overwhelm me. Sometimes I wonder if that's going to happen during my trial period at the monastery, inshah'allah, anyway.

The suggestion is that it can't be pretty if it happens :\

I have to go to the monastery, I have to make this happen now, there is nothing left to pursue at this point in my life. Going to the monastery was the only living option as an alternative to killing myself, and since I failed miserably at that, this is what I have to do. I promised.

I wasted 11 years in San Franisco, blew all the relationships that I had, abandoned half of the people who meant something to me and got abandoned by the other half (all the same people, btw), fumbled all the opportunities that came my way, gave up, quitter, loser, moved back in with my parents, pathetic, I have nothing, no potential, no motivation, and a terrible haircut.

I don't know if I'm ready for the monastery. I felt so comfortable there when I was there last year, it was so right, it was so peaceful and I don't know if I deserve or if I'm ready for that. The community was so joyful and I still have these roiling rapids of issues careening through my psyche. I'm still looking backwards, looking over my shoulder, looking for what I want, looking for a line to grab onto, where did all my friends go? The friends who would have stood on the sand waving as I sank beneath the surf. Oh yeah.

The same "friends" who will wish me luck at the monastery. Not the ones who will ask me what the hell do I think I'm doing, and what the hell am I doing in New Jersey; to move back to wherever, move to wherever they are, I can stay with them until I get settled and until then they won't let me out of their sight. And not the one who will tell me to fuck whatever happened in past lives and tell me to marry her because, boy, were we meant for each other, spiritually at least.

why didn't i leave in june? why didn't i leave in june? why didn't i leave in june? why didn't i leave in june? why didn't i live in you?

Visualization meditation for anyone who condemns suicide:
Close your eyes until all you can see is just a crack of light. Concentrate on your breath as it enters your nose and exits. Follow ten breaths. Concentrate on your ears and notice everything you can hear. Maintain concentration for ten breaths. Concentrate on your mouth with your tongue gently pressed to the top of your mouth and the back of your upper teeth, and focus on your mouth's sensations for ten breaths. Likewise, do the same for your whole body (skinbag), and then for your mind and thoughts.

Now, visualize a dark space, a void. It's very quiet and calm. In the distance, visualize a person, just a speck, walking towards you. As the person gets closer, you discern it's a dude. When he's 10 paces away, visualize him as of Asian race, with a terrible haircut and an even worse blue dye job that has faded to a gross algae green. As he closes the distance, you notice in your visualization that he is holding a wet trout in his right hand, and as he comes up to you he smacks you across the side of the head with it.
End visualization meditation.

Thank you, I feel better now. Yes, keep moving forward towards monastery. Get to shave my head.