Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

I'm pretty comfortable that I might be "monk material", but that's not important. I'm not heading towards ordination as a goal, I don't care whether I'm considered an aspirant or not. My view of my path is still the same, it just might lead to being ordained as a monk. Or it can end up being very wet.

Or it might just lead down the mountain road one day for the last time. Maybe I'd find my way back to San Francisco, Inc. Crash at friends' apartments, plumb my connections to see if I could land another job as a paralegal.

If not, anything really, any modest job would do. I would look for cheap housing. Just a room in a shared situation would be fine. Live simply, modestly, humbly. Close to a practice center so I can get to morning sitting easily enough, Lower Haight, the Castro, or the Republic of Berkeley. I would lead a semi-disciplined, reclusive lifestyle; perhaps a secular monasticism of sorts.

For starters, I wouldn't have much, just basic necessities like I had at the monastery. I'd live close to the ground in my modest living space, have basic clothes, toiletries, sleeping bag. I'd keep my hair buzzed short, failed monastic. I'd have to learn how to cook, simple vegetables, although I wouldn't consider myself vegetarian. It might look lonely, but I'd be happy. I'd be free (psst, so why don't you do it?).

The feel of my life might be something like Episode 19 of the anime, RahXephon, when Ayato leaves Tokyo Jupiter with Hiroko and they try to run away from all the confusion and insanity. They just live life simply compared to what they've found reality to be, living out of a hotel room, Ayato gets a job, and all they have is each other until the situation catches up and comes crashing down on them. It's a beautiful, melancholy episode, narrated from the point of view of Hiroko's diary.

With a job and settling in somewhere, I wouldn't be quite so ascetic, but I would buy only what I needed with a few well-defined luxuries. No rampant accumulation of stuff. I'd allow my computer, worthy DVDs, CDs, and books, but only if reading in book stores and borrowing from the library just don't cut it. One of my bikes for getting around, but no more "cycling". Probably one acoustic guitar.

I would avoid seeking out any social scene. Time spent with other people would be well-defined, but I wouldn't be anti-social. I wouldn't necessarily avoid friendships or relationships, but as the past six years have shown, my outward demeanor isn't one that has people dying to get to know me, and I wouldn't try being more socially attractive. Any social situation where I couldn't maintain mindfulness would be out.

A diary-narrated life. A dream. A fantasy. John Lennon might say it'll be just like starting over, but Modest Mouse says starting over ain't what life's about. Besides, here at the monastery is my diary-narrated life.