Escondido, CA

I'm down in town again typing this, even though I have permission to use the internet at the monastery for one hour on Friday afternoons for communications, which blogging arguably is. 

My request for an extended stay at the monastery was approved last week, and I asked for one hour of internet per week. It's not a lot of time, I was exercising self-restraint and it got summary approval, but it should be enough to upload postings that I can compose on a community computer during the week. 

It has all been a blur, for blog purposes, not expecting to have any internet access, then finding this internet cafe, then getting access at the monastery. I'm still figuring out how to focus and redefine the direction of this blog. The whole monastic thing is new ground and warrants description, but this blog has been so much internal space, so much darker stuff, that I don't want to just start taking it in a totally different direction. 

And man, already so much internal space has been covered in the past three weeks, and there's no way I even want to try to recount it all. Like I said, lots of great conversations, lots of like-minded people, sparks and wind energy flowing, and hugging other men like I've never hugged other men before! 

The nuns scare me, though, for some reason. I just feel that they are due a higher amount of respect and decorum, even though that's probably wrong. I avoid them and always bow to them politely when I can't. 

Three weeks. OK, maybe just a bit on the situation: 

I had been reading so much that when I arrived at the monastery, I had all this head knowledge. But then as I walked up the mountain to the monastery, *zoop*, it just all went away, my brain wiped clean. Every time I tried to think some concept through, I just couldn't do it – a good sign, really. Slowly, it has come back, though. 

Another thing I felt early on was that I realized I had no heart. I couldn't find it anywhere. It made me think of how I told Madoka that she was a role model for being for me, but couldn't explain what that meant. I think part of it was me projecting on her having a big enough heart for me, too. 

Life here is pretty varied. Sometimes it has been slow and peaceful when I was the only guest. Right now, there are several guests who will be here for up to several weeks. Weekends often see groups of people coming up for one reason or another. 

I live in a guestroom with six beds, but I have some say as to who gets put in with me, since one of my impromptu duties has become hospitality for guests. I've been able to reject long-term guests in my room, but I'm totally open to week-long guests and over-nighters. I try not to abuse my authorita. 

Daily schedule includes waking up at 5:30 and sitting for 45 minutes at 6:00. Three meals a day with rotating duties. Other blocks of time are spent in working meditation, Dharma talks (lectures by Thich Nhat Hahn that are sent same-day over the internet from the root monastery in France; they have a pretty sophisticated production facility to burn CDs and DVDs that are also sold in the book store), in-house lectures, and other monastery-related things one might expect. I also have a lot of down time to go exploring and hiking in the surrounding mountains. 

It's just a great, loving, compassionate community. Very laid back, very permissive. The practice here focuses on mindfulness and developing awareness of every moment at all times. It is both very simple, and very subtle and sophisticated at the same time. It's also very deceptive because the insight and wisdom of the monks and the community is jaw-dropping. 

What does this all mean to my life? I don't know. I don't need to know. From time to time I go back and forth between thoughts of becoming a monk, which would mean being shipped off to the root monastery in France for at least a year for training, and not, but I just let these thoughts come in and wander and then leave when they want to, because ultimately, I think my decision will just manifest itself. I'll just know. The decision will be there like an arrow shot straight and true. 

I'm not confused about any decision. Either I become a monk or not. I'm still me. I do hope to encounter some demons along the way. If I don't hit some dark times between now and making a final decision, I'd be concerned about being numb. But maybe I won't need to, I've had my share of dramatics in the past. 

I do have a mentor now that I've been accepted for an extended stay and expressed interest in a monastic path. I don't expect to burden him at all with problems. I think we're a good match because I'm not needy and I don't think he wants to mentor someone who is needy (that's probably wrong). 

We've had a good rapport all along, ever since last year, and we may play spiritual racquetball every once in a while and he can shed some insight on my path and give me direction here and there, but I anticipate our sessions will be casual. The joke is that he's my tormentor, being tormented by his tormentee.