I think I’m far too distracted to be here sincerely as a monastic aspirant. That’s the key word for me at this moment: sincerely. At the end of my previous stint here, I was declared an aspirant, so I’m here as an aspirant now, but the question is whether I’m sincere about it. If not, I need to leave. The thing is that I don’t really know. It’s an assessment that will take time to form a definite conclusion.

I’m grappling with distractions, I’m grappling with negativity and doubt. I don’t know if I can make the transformation necessary to become a monk. I don’t know if I can put down the distractions far enough so that I’m not thinking of a future not as a monk. The timing of this past trip to Taiwan couldn’t have been worse (I’m allowing myself to go full-on negative in this weblog). I was so done with material life. I was so done with life. Now I’ve allowed even my core principles to be compromised (not that I was doing anything with them).

I’ve allowed my concept of my self to go beyond me during my time away from here. Now I have responsibility to others. Now my being has a responsibility to others. It’s not immutable, though. I can still retract it. It’s up to me. But I’m not thinking of that right now, I’m just pointing out the possibility.

For now, I breathe the clear Southern California desert mountain air, I walk calmly and peacefully, and I hold my mind in meditation to figure out the next part of this shebang.

Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
You're not gonna believe this shit. I'm back at the monastery, but temporarily distracted from my purpose here because of events of the past week.

Apparently, my cousin and I have a lot of repressed memories from whatever time we spent together in the early 90s. And it wasn't a lot of time because we were in school and our paths only crossed for days at a time when I returned to the New Jersey area. But whenever she stayed over at my parents' house, there was some sneaking around at night. Or to be precise, her sneaking into my room. Now don't get all grossed out on me, it was platonic, just wanting to be close.

But having repressed these memories freaks me out. Absolutely zero recall, completely excised. Both of us with different things.

I know we were very affectionate cousins and I know I've considered her special to me since very early on. However, it seems that although during the daytime and in front of family, we just behaved as close cousins, at night, a whole different emotional aspect played out.

Away from family, sometimes we acted like a couple. She has a memory of us in Washington Square Park one Winter day when her hands were cold and I put them in my coat pockets. I don't have a definite memory of that, but I don't have no memory of it, either. I can sort of feel the memory, even if I can't see it. I can't say it absolutely did not happen.

She's been getting actual memories back more readily than I have, albeit fuzzy. When she described this or that vague memory over this past week, I still couldn't recall it, but I could get an impression of it, that maybe it did happen, maybe we did do this or that. She correctly identified things that I know I do with girlfriends so what she's been saying is credible.

She had one powerful revelation/memory recall that was particularly painful and tainted her in her relationships for several years after. The emotions between us peaked out and . . . nothing happened. She says she was devastated by reaching that point we couldn't get past, and it pushed her along a pattern of habit behavior in relationships that she isn't proud of.

I had no idea that it happened, but it does explain why during one later trip to Taiwan to visit her, she treated me really coldly. She had completely forgotten that visit when I mentioned it to her, but I definitely remembered that one. On the other hand, I didn't think I repressed any memory of that visit, but it has started to come back to her, and apparently even though she was cold to me during the day, she would still sneak into my room at night to lie next to me to talk into the night.

But her recall of the painful memory and struggling through it and realizing how it affected her had a big effect on her. It was a dam blocking part of the flow of her being. The experience of having her kids through natural childbirth helped complete her as a person now, but as for reconciling herself in the past, this was still a block, and working through the emotions and figuring out how the incident with me affected her has allowed her to tie up those loose ends.

Dam broken, water returned to flow. I'm glad for her. She says that she's been progressively feeling better and clearer because of that, although it's been hard for me hearing that I hurt her so much.

Anyway, I'm back at the monastery and she'll be heading back to her life shortly. We've been continuing to hash things out over the phone and through email, but also discussing Buddhist practice which is central for both of us. She's been a guiding hand and has really good insight and wisdom about the practice. It's just another part of our closeness. But our closeness is a distraction, and once she leaves, I really need to and will immerse myself back into my current context, and all thoughts of her will be abstraction. Powerful abstraction, but abstraction nevertheless.

San Francisco, CA: Muddy Waters Cafe, 24th and Valencia

I've been irritable since, get this, not long after my parents returned yesterday. This morning, my brother came by at 5:00 to take me to the airport, and I turned off any vestiges of mindfulness practice and said, "Sometimes you just want them to shut up!". He laughed, but I was irritable at everything and was just glad to get on my flight to find I had a whole row to myself. I slept on the plane, but my hours are still wonky from jetlag, and I don't even want to figure out how flying to the West Coast will keep things wonky. Hopefully it'll make things all better.

It's been, what?, nine months since I left San Francisco. I've been cycling through emotions of being back. My adopted city, but no attachment to it, no sentimentality. My first emotion was revulsion. I hate San Francisco. Dreary, cold San Francisco. The jacket that I didn't need at 5:00 in the morning in New Jersey was now not enough in the middle of the day in San Francisco. I had a headache. I arrived at 9:00, and had over 10 hours to kill before my cousin and uncle's flight arrived. I sleptwalk through the airport figuring out what to do.

Things started looking up two hours later when I got the rental car my cousin had booked, and was heading towards San Francisco and the sun started coming out. What did I want to do? Where did I want to go?

I know this city, it's still my home. I drove north on 101, got off at Cesar Chavez, got into the wrong lane (the one that went to my last apartment here), got into the right lane and headed towards the Mission.

What happened? Where did all this parking come from?! Ample parking in the Mission and I got a burrito at Papalote. Good choice, since it's just around the corner from this coffeeshop, Muddy Waters. Oh, how I miss having options to Starbucks! Coffee so good.

I feel much better. Everything so familiar. Not weird at all, and not that I belong here.

I think I'll go catch Bride and Prejudice at 1:30, just to feast my eyes on the magnificent beauty of Aishwarya Rai. Then maybe a haircut on Irving Street. Not one of those cheap $10 places either. I wish I had learned 20 years ago that for my indistinct features and appearance, I should not be paying less than $20 for a haircut. Get someone who has some idea what they're doing.

Then maybe some walking meditation along Seacliffs. Ocean Beach? Golden Gate Park? Where else should I go to get my fix of being back. But knowing my uncle, instead of leaving tomorrow, we'll be here until Sunday. Breathe.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ
If stuck to my original plan, I would right now be waking up to get ready to go to the airport to catch a plane back to San Diego, arriving back at the monastery by late afternoon. My guestroom would have been left unlocked for me, and I would soon fall back into daily monastic routine as an aspirant.

As it is, I'm not leaving until tomorrow, even earlier, and I'm not flying to San Diego. I'm flying to San Francisco, and by tomorrow evening, I'll be with my cousin again, along with one of her kids, her father and stepmom, and eventually two of her brothers at different points. Eventually I'll end up back at the monastery.

My cousin and I will have bits and pieces of time during the week to figure out and temper our roles in each others' lives, and come to a better understanding about our paths and why we've met in this lifetime (if you believe in that sort of thing).

The intensity and emotion of this past week, and prior to leaving Taiwan, would so bore anyone reading this that I won't even bother.

Geez. Where have I been? I've been negotiating life. Deal's almost sealed. No new lease on life. Full ownership?