I think I’m far too distracted to be here sincerely as a monastic aspirant. That’s the key word for me at this moment: sincerely. At the end of my previous stint here, I was declared an aspirant, so I’m here as an aspirant now, but the question is whether I’m sincere about it. If not, I need to leave. The thing is that I don’t really know. It’s an assessment that will take time to form a definite conclusion.

I’m grappling with distractions, I’m grappling with negativity and doubt. I don’t know if I can make the transformation necessary to become a monk. I don’t know if I can put down the distractions far enough so that I’m not thinking of a future not as a monk. The timing of this past trip to Taiwan couldn’t have been worse (I’m allowing myself to go full-on negative in this weblog). I was so done with material life. I was so done with life. Now I’ve allowed even my core principles to be compromised (not that I was doing anything with them).

I’ve allowed my concept of my self to go beyond me during my time away from here. Now I have responsibility to others. Now my being has a responsibility to others. It’s not immutable, though. I can still retract it. It’s up to me. But I’m not thinking of that right now, I’m just pointing out the possibility.

For now, I breathe the clear Southern California desert mountain air, I walk calmly and peacefully, and I hold my mind in meditation to figure out the next part of this shebang.