Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA
You're not gonna believe this shit. I'm back at the monastery, but temporarily distracted from my purpose here because of events of the past week.

Apparently, my cousin and I have a lot of repressed memories from whatever time we spent together in the early 90s. And it wasn't a lot of time because we were in school and our paths only crossed for days at a time when I returned to the New Jersey area. But whenever she stayed over at my parents' house, there was some sneaking around at night. Or to be precise, her sneaking into my room. Now don't get all grossed out on me, it was platonic, just wanting to be close.

But having repressed these memories freaks me out. Absolutely zero recall, completely excised. Both of us with different things.

I know we were very affectionate cousins and I know I've considered her special to me since very early on. However, it seems that although during the daytime and in front of family, we just behaved as close cousins, at night, a whole different emotional aspect played out.

Away from family, sometimes we acted like a couple. She has a memory of us in Washington Square Park one Winter day when her hands were cold and I put them in my coat pockets. I don't have a definite memory of that, but I don't have no memory of it, either. I can sort of feel the memory, even if I can't see it. I can't say it absolutely did not happen.

She's been getting actual memories back more readily than I have, albeit fuzzy. When she described this or that vague memory over this past week, I still couldn't recall it, but I could get an impression of it, that maybe it did happen, maybe we did do this or that. She correctly identified things that I know I do with girlfriends so what she's been saying is credible.

She had one powerful revelation/memory recall that was particularly painful and tainted her in her relationships for several years after. The emotions between us peaked out and . . . nothing happened. She says she was devastated by reaching that point we couldn't get past, and it pushed her along a pattern of habit behavior in relationships that she isn't proud of.

I had no idea that it happened, but it does explain why during one later trip to Taiwan to visit her, she treated me really coldly. She had completely forgotten that visit when I mentioned it to her, but I definitely remembered that one. On the other hand, I didn't think I repressed any memory of that visit, but it has started to come back to her, and apparently even though she was cold to me during the day, she would still sneak into my room at night to lie next to me to talk into the night.

But her recall of the painful memory and struggling through it and realizing how it affected her had a big effect on her. It was a dam blocking part of the flow of her being. The experience of having her kids through natural childbirth helped complete her as a person now, but as for reconciling herself in the past, this was still a block, and working through the emotions and figuring out how the incident with me affected her has allowed her to tie up those loose ends.

Dam broken, water returned to flow. I'm glad for her. She says that she's been progressively feeling better and clearer because of that, although it's been hard for me hearing that I hurt her so much.

Anyway, I'm back at the monastery and she'll be heading back to her life shortly. We've been continuing to hash things out over the phone and through email, but also discussing Buddhist practice which is central for both of us. She's been a guiding hand and has really good insight and wisdom about the practice. It's just another part of our closeness. But our closeness is a distraction, and once she leaves, I really need to and will immerse myself back into my current context, and all thoughts of her will be abstraction. Powerful abstraction, but abstraction nevertheless.