My mantra these days walking around in public is, "Don't be an asshole". Of course, the implication is that I am an asshole. If I'm not being an asshole, I wouldn't be telling myself not to be one.

It's a perpetually regenerating manifestation of my negativity. And, of course, there's no one telling me I'm not an asshole, so that can't be helping matters. But all in all, aside from psychological, self-estemical repercussions, I think it's been working toward its intended goal – the cultivation of not being an asshole.

Karmically speaking, being a supreme asshole was cultivated before, probably in a past life. I don't think I've been that much of an asshole in this life for it to be this big of an issue. So no matter what my understanding is, knowing between asshole-dom and non-asshole-dom, that cultivation is coming out and is hard to stop. Ergo, negative assholistic thoughts and attitudes.

The only thing I can do or hope for is cultivating not being an asshole. I don't necessarily hope for achieving it in this lifetime, although it is possible. But I do think I'm getting results. I think I'm being less of an asshole, or feeling less of an asshole, meaning more patient and forebearing towards random foot traffic.

It's not necessarily a sea change in my personality or karmic imprint, rather, but it's working towards one. It's how I'd prefer to be, and it does feel like an accomplish when I notice I'm not being an asshole. That says something – I notice not being an asshole.

In general, I think my actions don't coincide with the negativity. Like constantly running negative scenarios through my mind, but when actually confronted with an incident or interaction, I'll act tolerantly, or patiently, or compassionately, or sympathetically. I think.

Yea, that's nice, you may say from an outside perspective, but it's not good enough. I still have to live with me. Have you ever lived with an asshole before?

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole. Not in New York.  – Modern Lovers

I'm working on it, too, during morning sitting. I'm finding my method has been too distracted and free-floating, and sometimes negativity runs wild. In general, I need to work on concentration more, that even affects my language learning.

Lately I've gone back to the very basic method everyone first learns of focusing on breathing to work on this, imagining my breathing as a thing floating in front of me and concentrating on it. When my concentration wavers, this thing starts floating away and I have to bring it back in front of me and hold it floating there.

I also think I need to try a new method of very brief periods, five minutes or less, of just concentration.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1:38 p.m. - Shots from my window, Xindian. 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 29, 5:14 p.m. - whatever

The Drummer 戰鼓 (Taiwan/Hong Kong, 2007)

There's nothing stand-out about this film, but I liked it anyway, perhaps because it touches two aspects close to my heart: a drum troupe living monk-like existences on the top of a mountain is some sort of ideal of heaven to me.

The storyline is fairly straight-forward. Troubled punk rock drummer kid with an attitude problem in Hong Kong gets into deep shit with the triads and is sent away to Taiwan for his own protection. While in Taiwan he discovers a drum troupe living a zen existence and he aspires to become one of them. Hilarity ensues. Or not.

No surprises, but a good viewing. Director Kenneth Bi has a great sense of form and loves juxtaposition, which is something I can appreciate.

A fresh 6/10 tomato rating, recommended to fans of Asian cinema, drumming, and zen spirituality. The drum troupe is a real world-renowned drum troupe in Taiwan.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 11:05 a.m.

OCTOBER 19, 11:23-11:24 a.m. - Fudekeng cemetery. Dead people everywhere.

12:17 p.m. - Riding in the mountains to the southeast of Taipei, most probably Taipei County. My watch altimeter recorded this at 1,157ft.

1:01 p.m. - Jingmei River and smokestack of a retired garbage incinerator (I think), now used to advertise the nearby Taipei Zoo, Muzha, Taipei.

Swamped in my own negativity, it's easy to get caught up in it. It feels like I blog more about the negativity, and I don't give equal time to the glimmers that poke through it. Bits and pieces of realizations and just the positive aspect.

Suicide notwithstanding, since I don't necessarily consider considerations of suicide negative. I'm resisting the societal norms that negativity is self-defeating and self-pitying. As far as I'm concerned there's more to it. It's not that simple, although sometimes it is.

I'm meeting up with Hyun Ae tomorrow. She's nobody to me. She's not a friend, she's nothing. I've described her as a "Sadie", but Sadie was a friend and the affection I felt towards her was based on something real. We knew something about each other, we were interested and involved in each other's lives.

With Hyun Ae, we go months without a word, we don't know what's going on in our daily lives, our daily concerns, we as people. Suddenly after months of silence we get together. That's not friendship, that's not a relationship, that's minimal acquaintance. That's a previous classmate with whom I get together because we're bored.

But then why do I still brace myself with her? Why do I still tell myself she's nothing, trying downplay something? Why am I going to see a movie with her tomorrow that I've already seen? One with "questionable" content (read: explicit sex).

I asked, "Oh, you haven't seen it yet?", and she didn't pick up on that and say, "oh, you've seen it? Let's see something else." She wants to see this movie with me, and I'm sure she knows about the content as the media insists on focusing on it.

I don't mind seeing it again, as I've already planned to in order to focus on the merits of the film without the sexual content, which I found distracting and wasn't convinced augmented the story. But even before I saw the movie, I didn't think it would be one appropriate to see with her.

Hyun Ae and other things make me realize that I am afraid of falling in love. I tell myself I'm done with it, and I am, but the temptation aspect, I'm not.

It reminds me of the three necessary elements of the hero's journey, and all of our lives as the "hero's journey". First, there's the test, the puzzle that needs to be solved to get past the gatekeeper (intellect). Second, the test of strength, defeating the dragon, vanquishing the foe (physical). Third, the test of resisting temptation (character).

I feel I've done the puzzle before in a past life. It is not a test for me in this life. I'm not saying I'm smart, just that I completed that part of the journey. It's not part of the test anymore. Education was not a challenge for me in this life. I was born to smart parents and education was a given.

After high school, go to college no problem. After college, get into law school, go to law school, graduate from law school. I'm not saying it wasn't a challenge, but as little interest I had in it, it's a small wonder I graduated. Then on top of that I went to get a Masters for good measure.

Puzzles bore me. Nothing bores me more than a brain-teaser. If you have a clever brain-teaser, just give me the solution and I'll figure out what's so clever about it. I don't need to solve it to appreciate how clever it is. This may be an indication that solving such puzzles is old news to me, I don't need to rise to the challenge, I don't need to prove myself.

As for the test of physical strength and endurance, defeating the dragon, I think that's an aspect of my current life. That's what the running and cycling is about, and the dragon isn't on the outside, it's me. Running and cycling is always about challenging myself, bettering myself, improving on my last performance.

And I'm not and never was a great runner or cyclist. That was never the point. The point was always pushing, hurting, and then pushing past that. The thing is that I'm not going to accomplish this aspect of the hero's journey in this lifetime.

In this life, I will never get to the attitude about running or cycling that I have about solving puzzles. Every run or ride is pushing, and there never will be a point where I will say, "oh, I've slain the dragon" and rest on my laurels. That's for a future lifetime.

As for the test of temptation, no where near, not a chance. If I'm tempted, I will fail. I don't have that strength of character yet. I should despise Hyun Ae, yet I'm her willing slave. In my class, I sit next to a woman, and sometimes I can smell her, or parts of her, and I know I'm lost in that respect.

I still have this idea or ideal of a love of my life that goes by the name of Amina, and she's not even real anymore, I was ultimately dirt to her. I chose my current cell phone number because it had the numbers "417", Amina relevant, which if not pathetic, is plain silly, but I insist on standing by it.

So there goes any idea I might have about advancement on the path. I'm still mired in the mud. Advancement on the path only occurs after the completion of the hero's journey. The hero's journey is not the path, it's a prerequisite for the path. The negativity has to be overcome, glimmers poking through it notwithstanding.

2:19 p.m. - Jingmei River, back to normal, from Roosevelt Rd.

typhoon krosa photo essay

October 8:
That was some hurricane.

Next time a typhoon directly hits Taipei and the Jingmei River is raging like that again, I'm gonna make sure my affairs are all in order and hurl myself into the river! That looked like it would be fun, at least for however long I could survive. The lure to jump in the river was strangely strong. I had to settle for chucking bamboo branches into the raging flow, watching them immediately disappear.

I guess it would be wishful thinking to make it all the way out to the dire Taiwan Straits. White belly up in the sun. Still diving for the big one.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1:13 p.m. - Full but relatively calm Jingmei River, left bank under the Roosevelt Rd. bridge.

1:13-1:14 p.m. - looking left (downstream) and right (upstream) and now I can cross.

2:09-2:10 p.m. - Jingmei market area. Closed due to typhoon.

2:10 p.m. - I was going to pass on including this as superfluous, but decided I quite like it.

2:21 p.m. - Back under the Roosevelt Bridge, right bank. Water level reaching the bike path. Photo dead center looks like water being pumped to avoid flooding. Remember this, comparison shot below.

Aftermath:

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 12:12 p.m. - Rode my clunker bike upstream to look at the typhoon's handiwork.

11:53 a.m.

12:13 p.m.

12:22-12:23 p.m.

12:27-12:34 p.m. - Nat'l Chengchi University area across the river.

12:37-12:41 p.m.

1:37 p.m. - Back under the Roosevelt Rd. bridge, Jingmei River back where it belongs. The water obviously rose higher than the previous pic.

1:45-1:46 p.m. - Heading downstream. Tree covered in river detritus. Watermarks showing how high the river rose. The height of the mark on the lead column mark suggests the force of the water hitting it.

1:58 p.m. - Plant detritus indicating the river rose as high as the baskets. I'm surprised they didn't get carried away or bent out of shape, but the width of the river here probably meant the flow wasn't as strong. This is the Xindian River, into which the narrower Jingmei drains.

2:06 p.m. - I saw this float by under the Jingmei bridge the previous night! I went out at night, too, when conditions weren't harrowing, and while crossing the bridge I saw this couch floating under and that's what prompted the thought of flinging myself into the river and try riding it out to the Taiwan Straits. I don't know where it got picked up by the river, but this is more than a kilometer downstream from where I saw it; deposited here ostensibly because of the decreased strength of the river flow. I wonder how much further downstream my body would've made it. What am I talking about? I would've survived and swum to safety and climbed out totally dry.

2:15 p.m. - By the Gongguan riverside access point.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2:31 p.m. - Back to classes, navigating the mud-covered bikeway.

OCTOBER 10, 12:55-12:57 p.m.

1:01 p.m. - Trees that didn't fare so well.

1:03 p.m. - Plant detritus again indicating the height the water reached.

Everyday is a constant and recurring battle with myself and my own thoughts. Bombarded by negativity welling up from inside, I'm constantly countering it with admonishment that it's wrong, it's not how or what I want to be. Change the thought, change the thinking, change the reality.

If this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life, let it be brief.

Life is so boring without some suicide plan in place. Not even with intention, at least have a plan. It crosses my mind every day, often, but . . . detente (that's the only thing we want!). I put the idea through its usual paces, and I'm satisfied that there is not a thing in the world anyone can say . . .

I don't even need to finish that sentence. Well, if some definitive authority came down from the sky telling us that the Mormons got it right, then I might reconsider, along with the rest of my world view.

Even if I lived out my life and died a horrific natural death, i.e., quiet in my sleep, I would have reserved the right to have committed suicide against anyone else's . . .

I don't have to finish that sentence. But if my philosophy on life and suicide is a slap in the face of any and everyone in my life, then from hell's heart, I slap thee. Best just give me your blessing.

But I don't even want to make up a plan, even if it's trumped up, because it would be so without foundation that I could get no satisfaction out of it. I go through the habit of considering a good when, and when I come up with a good when, I realize that good when is no better than . . . next Wednesday. And I know it's not going to be next Wednesday, so I also know it won't happen whenever . . . which I already knew.

Oh yea. That was the habit. And through experience I realized that there can't be a plan. If it happens, it has to be spontaneous, it has to be now, it has to be a realization that now is the time, and go. If I'm not implementing it now, I'm not going to at all.

That realization still holds. Ah, and I guess that's where the slap in the face comes in, because it's going to happen without warning.

Who the hell am I talking about?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 4:56 p.m. - Shots from my window. Accident involving a public bus, cars on the wrong side of the road and an ambulance.

OCTOBER 5, 1:37 p.m. - Public art.