It's a perpetually regenerating manifestation of my negativity. And, of course, there's no one telling me I'm not an asshole, so that can't be helping matters. But all in all, aside from psychological, self-estemical repercussions, I think it's been working toward its intended goal – the cultivation of not being an asshole.
Karmically speaking, being a supreme asshole was cultivated before, probably in a past life. I don't think I've been that much of an asshole in this life for it to be this big of an issue. So no matter what my understanding is, knowing between asshole-dom and non-asshole-dom, that cultivation is coming out and is hard to stop. Ergo, negative assholistic thoughts and attitudes.
The only thing I can do or hope for is cultivating not being an asshole. I don't necessarily hope for achieving it in this lifetime, although it is possible. But I do think I'm getting results. I think I'm being less of an asshole, or feeling less of an asshole, meaning more patient and forebearing towards random foot traffic.
It's not necessarily a sea change in my personality or karmic imprint, rather, but it's working towards one. It's how I'd prefer to be, and it does feel like an accomplish when I notice I'm not being an asshole. That says something – I notice not being an asshole.
In general, I think my actions don't coincide with the negativity. Like constantly running negative scenarios through my mind, but when actually confronted with an incident or interaction, I'll act tolerantly, or patiently, or compassionately, or sympathetically. I think.
Yea, that's nice, you may say from an outside perspective, but it's not good enough. I still have to live with me. Have you ever lived with an asshole before?
Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole. Not in New York. – Modern Lovers
I'm working on it, too, during morning sitting. I'm finding my method has been too distracted and free-floating, and sometimes negativity runs wild. In general, I need to work on concentration more, that even affects my language learning.
Lately I've gone back to the very basic method everyone first learns of focusing on breathing to work on this, imagining my breathing as a thing floating in front of me and concentrating on it. When my concentration wavers, this thing starts floating away and I have to bring it back in front of me and hold it floating there.
I also think I need to try a new method of very brief periods, five minutes or less, of just concentration.
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| SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1:38 p.m. - Shots from my window, Xindian. |
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| MONDAY, OCTOBER 29, 5:14 p.m. - whatever |
