Suicide notwithstanding, since I don't necessarily consider considerations of suicide negative. I'm resisting the societal norms that negativity is self-defeating and self-pitying. As far as I'm concerned there's more to it. It's not that simple, although sometimes it is.
I'm meeting up with Hyun Ae tomorrow. She's nobody to me. She's not a friend, she's nothing. I've described her as a "Sadie", but Sadie was a friend and the affection I felt towards her was based on something real. We knew something about each other, we were interested and involved in each other's lives.
With Hyun Ae, we go months without a word, we don't know what's going on in our daily lives, our daily concerns, we as people. Suddenly after months of silence we get together. That's not friendship, that's not a relationship, that's minimal acquaintance. That's a previous classmate with whom I get together because we're bored.
But then why do I still brace myself with her? Why do I still tell myself she's nothing, trying downplay something? Why am I going to see a movie with her tomorrow that I've already seen? One with "questionable" content (read: explicit sex).
I asked, "Oh, you haven't seen it yet?", and she didn't pick up on that and say, "oh, you've seen it? Let's see something else." She wants to see this movie with me, and I'm sure she knows about the content as the media insists on focusing on it.
I don't mind seeing it again, as I've already planned to in order to focus on the merits of the film without the sexual content, which I found distracting and wasn't convinced augmented the story. But even before I saw the movie, I didn't think it would be one appropriate to see with her.
Hyun Ae and other things make me realize that I am afraid of falling in love. I tell myself I'm done with it, and I am, but the temptation aspect, I'm not.
It reminds me of the three necessary elements of the hero's journey, and all of our lives as the "hero's journey". First, there's the test, the puzzle that needs to be solved to get past the gatekeeper (intellect). Second, the test of strength, defeating the dragon, vanquishing the foe (physical). Third, the test of resisting temptation (character).
I feel I've done the puzzle before in a past life. It is not a test for me in this life. I'm not saying I'm smart, just that I completed that part of the journey. It's not part of the test anymore. Education was not a challenge for me in this life. I was born to smart parents and education was a given.
After high school, go to college no problem. After college, get into law school, go to law school, graduate from law school. I'm not saying it wasn't a challenge, but as little interest I had in it, it's a small wonder I graduated. Then on top of that I went to get a Masters for good measure.
Puzzles bore me. Nothing bores me more than a brain-teaser. If you have a clever brain-teaser, just give me the solution and I'll figure out what's so clever about it. I don't need to solve it to appreciate how clever it is. This may be an indication that solving such puzzles is old news to me, I don't need to rise to the challenge, I don't need to prove myself.
As for the test of physical strength and endurance, defeating the dragon, I think that's an aspect of my current life. That's what the running and cycling is about, and the dragon isn't on the outside, it's me. Running and cycling is always about challenging myself, bettering myself, improving on my last performance.
And I'm not and never was a great runner or cyclist. That was never the point. The point was always pushing, hurting, and then pushing past that. The thing is that I'm not going to accomplish this aspect of the hero's journey in this lifetime.
In this life, I will never get to the attitude about running or cycling that I have about solving puzzles. Every run or ride is pushing, and there never will be a point where I will say, "oh, I've slain the dragon" and rest on my laurels. That's for a future lifetime.
As for the test of temptation, no where near, not a chance. If I'm tempted, I will fail. I don't have that strength of character yet. I should despise Hyun Ae, yet I'm her willing slave. In my class, I sit next to a woman, and sometimes I can smell her, or parts of her, and I know I'm lost in that respect.
I still have this idea or ideal of a love of my life that goes by the name of Amina, and she's not even real anymore, I was ultimately dirt to her. I chose my current cell phone number because it had the numbers "417", Amina relevant, which if not pathetic, is plain silly, but I insist on standing by it.
So there goes any idea I might have about advancement on the path. I'm still mired in the mud. Advancement on the path only occurs after the completion of the hero's journey. The hero's journey is not the path, it's a prerequisite for the path. The negativity has to be overcome, glimmers poking through it notwithstanding.
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| 2:19 p.m. - Jingmei River, back to normal, from Roosevelt Rd. |
