Kaohsiung, Taiwan

I'm in a relatively calm space these days, having taken a leave of absence and visiting family in Kaohsiung.

I went on a bus tour in Central Taiwan for 3 days with my aunt and a tour group related to my uncle's business, and was supposed to leave tomorrow for another 3-day trip to Kinmen Island in the Taiwan Straits tomorrow, but I managed to cancel on that trip.

It's a family thing. Travelling with my uncle is never a smooth affair, and I really need to learn what I already know – never travel with him. I came down to Kaohsiung with a mild cold, so I went to bed early, and a little while later, my uncle comes in and tells me he's not going on the Central Taiwan trip. OK, it's not changing anything major, and he does tend to nag, so there are tangible pros to his not going, balancing out the cons.

The next morning I find out the Kinmen Island trip is postponed because of certain of his responsibilities, which makes me happy because I'm already foreseeing becoming batty by these travels. I start re-adjusting my plans. Then during the trip, I'm told the Kinmen trip is back on, my uncle doesn't have to stay in Kaohsiung during that time, and I almost plotz. Not happy. Fortunately, one of my aunt's friends who was on the trip decided she would like to visit Kinmen, so she took my spot, and I'm free to head back up to Taipei tomorrow to prepare to go to the U.S. next Tuesday.

During that bus trip, I had Amina dreams both nights, which I've already noted is an unusual occurrence. I didn't have a recording device with me so I have absolutely no details about the dreams aside from that they were Amina dreams.

One thing about one of the dreams I do remember was that there was another woman involved. It was someone I didn't recognize, but it was someone I was apparently possibly getting involved with while Amina was still a presence. But just as a friend, and I remember in the dream thinking that regardless of how I felt about Amina, priority goes to this other person with whom something might actually be happening. The only image in the dream I remember is lying on a bed with this mystery woman for the first time, and at one point my head coming to rest on her arm. Her not pulling away was an indication that there was something forming between us.

Later in the day, recalling the dream, it was with a bit of horror that I realized the mystery woman might have been a younger version of my aunt's friend, the one taking my place on the Kinmen trip. She speaks pretty good English and we did have a bit of a bonding moment in a discussion the first night. And on the second night at dinner, she came over to our table a few times to get food, and inappropriately pressed up against me while leaning over. At one time it was the front of her hip pushing against my arm, and I was thinking, "um, this is definitely inappropriate touching", but I didn't pull away from it.

As many of you don't know, although friends in San Francisco might, I have this thing about attracting older woman. I'm sort of a Granny Whisperer. Perhaps a future Max Bialystock in "The Producers", schtuping the old ladies on the Upper East Side for investment money.

To her credit, although in her 50's, looking past the facade of age, she did have a light of life in her that attracts me. A liveliness, a zest, a passion. And in the dream, it was definitely a 20's or 30's version of her. I emphasize I do not have a granny fetish. Yuck. I don't even like using my granny gear on my bike.

The memorable feeling from the dream scene on the bed was how nice it was to fall in love or be in love, which is totally counter my feeling in waking life. The idea of meeting someone and being mutually interested and falling in love fills me with dread. I think of the one thing leading to another and what do you end up with?

Not to brush aside the value of all the good things involved, but my emphasis ends up on the aging, getting sick, dying, loss, suffering.

Last night I met up with 姿慧 and found that she has scars and burns on her arm. I'm not thinking there are any deep parallels in our lives, I don't think her scars mean to her what mine mean to me, even though I don't know what hers mean to her, but I do think it's uncanny.

These scars are a point of connection between people who have them. I remember a co-worker at the law firm I worked at in San Francisco noticing my scars once, and then pulling me into her cube and showing me hers. We didn't say anything, we just grasped each others hands and smiled knowingly at each other. What we knew, I don't know, we just did.

I have a fantasy that's both a little violent and very intimate. Internally violent in ourselves, not a violence that is conveyed between two people. I want to coerce, pressure 姿慧 into showing me her scars, all of them, wherever they are. Pin her down lightly even, but always maintaining a safe atmosphere, and keeping a pulse on not pushing too hard, or going too far. Violent because the violence is already there. She could do the same to me if she wants.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2:47 p.m. - Cingjing sheep farm, Nantou County, in the central mountains of Taiwan

3:26-3:29 p.m. - Plenty of sheep and other wildlife.

3:36 p.m. - Euro-forming the mountains for tourists.

Sheep. Pentax ZX-5n, Ilford XP2 Super. 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8, 7:41 a.m. - Day 2, Aowanda forest recreational area and Sun Moon Lake.

9:57 a.m.

12:25 p.m. - Very hairy driving on mountain roads. Inches to spare.

4:41 p.m. - Shooting out of my comfort zone in terms of subject matter. I also learned I can't do black and white landscape.

4:49 p.m. - Photos don't lie, this actually happened!

5:11-5:14 p.m.

Sun Moon Lake, Nantou County.

Wenwu Temple

My comfort zone is easy small life snapshots.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9, 12:11-12:14 p.m. - Last day. A Euro-style resort.

Ripples.