Shit. Relating working now with working back then, it's really the same pointless, absurd same thing. Relating band now with band back then is even worse.

Playing in this cover band is totally stifling. In one sense it is making me a better drummer in terms of basics, but on another hand it's also preventing me from progressing. I'm a better drummer than they know or appreciate because . . . it's a cover band. Playing in this band is good because it makes money, but it's an obligation - my gratitude for letting me in, but when I feel the obligation has been paid, I will definitely quit.

This work thing isn't flying, which leaves me wondering . . . then what? It's true, I had trouble sleeping in San Francisco, and it was a big problem. My sleep problems now is existentially work-related and is also a big problem.

I'm so counting on having a tumor. Please god let me have a tumor. GOD: It's not a tuumaa.

Since February, before starting work, I've gotten extended hiccups 3 times a month. This is not normal. I really think I have something seriously wrong with my health. Which is right and proper, since that's my intention. If my drinking isn't ruining my health, then why the hell am I drinking?

Still, the joy-generation meditation. I have instinct, and then I have consciousness. My instinct is negativity, hostility, mired down, angry. My consciousness kicks in joy-generation: be happy now because it's not worth it not to be happy now. I don't know if it's because I did it before, but it really works. Happiness is not a dependent thing. It can happen by ourselves, just by ourselves.

The joy-generation meditation is helped by a further meditation on what I think should be considered absolute truth. I wish good and happiness upon all people. I wish all people do good to other people and to have good done to them. Even those suffering, wanting suffering, I wish upon them the suffering they want so they can progress. Sometimes we need suffering.

And always death as a focus. Focus on death to maintain these philosophies. We all have to die. What is the purpose?

Maishuai Bridge #1. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN.

SUNDAY, MAY 25, 4:46 p.m. - Another gig at Le Mer in Qianshuiwan.