Like, what am I doing here and why? I drag myself through my days by constantly reminding myself I'm going to die sooner or later, probably sooner because thinking 'later' would be even more unbearable than the being here right now, and whatever problems or issues come up, it's just not worth it not to tell myself to just be happy right here and now.
Work can get tense and stressful as we're rushing to send the last pages to the printers, but once the heat is off, it's not worth it to let it linger. Swoosh, let it go, done, gone, off.
When the chief editor starts raising his voice and getting angry or frustrated, I don't take it personally. In fact, I start feeling sorry for him because I know he doesn't mean it personally, either. He's just getting caught up in it, and once the paper's out, we don't linger on it.
Work, band. Am I doing anything different from San Francisco? In San Francisco, I had work and I had a band. In Taipei, I have work and a band. Why didn't I stay in San Francisco. Right, because I wanted to die in San Francisco.
So in another way my life, for lack of a better word, has been resurrected. But it is different. In between I had the monastic experience, albeit short, to get things re-aligned. Death as a focus is still here but slightly reconfigured. And I work but also see so many aspects of doing this thing as absurd. Same with the band.
The work here and the band here are relatively jokes compared to the "real" job I had in San Francisco and the "real" band I had in San Francisco. I can't take these things seriously anymore. It's just a change in attitude. And in general I look at my whole life, for lack of a better word, and the absurdity of it all is so underwhelming.
The mindfulness/meditation practice is still the most important thing. Oh, I guess I can add that to the things I've been doing that I've found absurd.
I started hanging out with some people associated with a meditation group affiliated with one of the four major Buddhist institutions in Taiwan. I've broken it off since I've started working since I really don't have time for it. I really did join them just for the social aspect. The Saturday afternoon group practice was not necessary compared to my daily sitting habit.
I guess they were mostly cool, I'm just thinking of a few people, and only one with whom I have a major beef. And the major beef is a relative thing because she thinks she's so clued into the practice when she's just the Buddhist equivalent of a Jesus freak. The other "few people" are just tripping along on the path, just as we all are, and I actually do like them.
Then I think the rest of them I was associating with really get it. We get it because we don't need to talk about it.
The practice is the one thing that isn't absurd. So I guess my aim is to find out how to make it absurd.
Northern Exposure quote of the day:
"I'm no rabbi, but it seems to me the purpose of saying Kaddish is to be with your community. And what I realized this week is that, well, you're my community" - Joel
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