I proclaim my aspiration to die! Dying is wonderful and something to look forward to. Attaching to material pleasures is cheap and fleeting. As they happen, they should be appreciated and enjoyed, but attaching to them is crass. Dying is primo.
Dying is not an end. Mystics have been proclaiming this since the beginning of spirituality. It's transformation, analagous to the cycle of seasons, to the cycle of water. Caterpillar-coccoon-butterfly. The physical body recycles, but that's not important. Molecules deteriorate, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We return to the earth, the physical universe, and the molecules are recycled and reused, but that's not what's important.
Our spirit, our consciousness, the primordial energy that rises and forms who we think we are, subsides back into the primordial form, but retains imprints that continue in a different being that rises and forms. That's what I believe in, that's what I think is important.
Being here is important, too. It's important to cultivate wisdom, an understanding of existence and its mechanics. Or not. It's perfectly fine to just live life, which may be cultivating experience of existence. Subliminal. Experience of existence is necessary for an understanding of existence. It's important to treat other people right.
But it gets to a point where death is part of existence, and that needs to be incorporated in the experience and understanding. Otherwise it's just going round and round in nature's cycle.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The insomnia is getting marginally better. I still wake up after 2-3 hours, but since the last post, I've been able to get back to sleep for several hours more. I've been forcing myself to relax and have a better attitude about it, and that's helped. Overall quality of life still low, though.
I think my kidneys may finally be feeling the stress of alcoholism. More and more I'm waking up with my lower back aching. And it's not muscular, I know that at least. The pain goes away after I get up. I often felt it after taking sleeping pills, too.
Sometimes it scares me that this is serious and I'm gonna die if I don't turn this around, but then I remember that I want to die. We all have to die, I don't want to avoid it. I really, really don't want to make it to my next birthday, so I should welcome this. If I don't tell people my age, no one would guess how old I really am, which is really funny to me.
I think I want to be more open about my aspiration to die. My life aspiration is to die. Isn't that wonderful? We all have to die, and most people don't want to. I'm guaranteed to get my wish! What's wrong with that? Especially now that I have no current plan or idea of offing myself.
It makes sense, too, with where I am in life. I don't want what other people want. No thought of buying a house, marrying, having children, settling down. I don't want to invest in desire and craving and acquisition, as if the things we pursue are permanent or lead to happiness, or don't ultimately end in death.
As an aspiration, I want death to be at the forefront of my thought process. Whenever I see an attractive person, I immediately look around for someone much older and not as attractive, and I think of them as the same person at different stages at life. I challenge the base attraction by questioning why it doesn't transfer over. If I'm not attracted to the old person, why be attracted to the younger person, the younger person will eventually be there, too.
What a mess my life is. I don't mind it, but I wonder if it could have been different, or if it would have been better if it was.
I think my kidneys may finally be feeling the stress of alcoholism. More and more I'm waking up with my lower back aching. And it's not muscular, I know that at least. The pain goes away after I get up. I often felt it after taking sleeping pills, too.
Sometimes it scares me that this is serious and I'm gonna die if I don't turn this around, but then I remember that I want to die. We all have to die, I don't want to avoid it. I really, really don't want to make it to my next birthday, so I should welcome this. If I don't tell people my age, no one would guess how old I really am, which is really funny to me.
I think I want to be more open about my aspiration to die. My life aspiration is to die. Isn't that wonderful? We all have to die, and most people don't want to. I'm guaranteed to get my wish! What's wrong with that? Especially now that I have no current plan or idea of offing myself.
It makes sense, too, with where I am in life. I don't want what other people want. No thought of buying a house, marrying, having children, settling down. I don't want to invest in desire and craving and acquisition, as if the things we pursue are permanent or lead to happiness, or don't ultimately end in death.
As an aspiration, I want death to be at the forefront of my thought process. Whenever I see an attractive person, I immediately look around for someone much older and not as attractive, and I think of them as the same person at different stages at life. I challenge the base attraction by questioning why it doesn't transfer over. If I'm not attracted to the old person, why be attracted to the younger person, the younger person will eventually be there, too.
What a mess my life is. I don't mind it, but I wonder if it could have been different, or if it would have been better if it was.
 |
| THURSDAY, JULY 10, 10:23 p.m. - Band stuff. Digital black & white. |
 |
| MONDAY, JULY 14, 3:57-4:01 p.m. Taipei Arena nice afternoon light and intersection of Dunhua and Civic Blvd. |
 |
| TUESDAY, JULY 15, 10:27 a.m. |
 |
| THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2:22 a.m. - Garam clove cigarettes from Indonesia. |
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
I'm at the tail end of three days off from work, trying to do something about this lack of sleep. Best intentions from family members went to naught, useless, and now it's up to me to deal with this myself. The way it should be. The way the pattern always has been.
I still can't sleep, but something is changing. I don't know how I'll handle it once I go back to work, but I get the feeling that this is an ordeal, and when I get through it, I will have transformed. And indeed, something needed to change.
I wouldn't be surprised if the insomnia has been an internal rebellion to the strict habits and schedules I keep falling in. I need to liberate myself from that. I get stuck. And just as I was saying to myself in frustrated exasperation, "Why the hell can't I get to sleep?", my unconscious had been getting sick of this "thing" I've become and was saying to itself in frustrated exasperation, "Why the hell is he stuck in these stupid mundanities?"
My unconsciousness and I need a better way to communicate.
These past few days of no work I've just been relaxing in my sleeplessness, knowing I didn't have to go to work. After lying in a half-daze for the whole of the nights, I think I managed to get some sleep afterwards, in the morning hours.
One idea I had for this time off was to head out of town, go down to Kenting and hang out on the beach for several days if I couldn't sleep. Probably not a good idea, since as exhausted as I was, the last thing I need to try to do was do something. Which is probably why it was a good idea, but my body wasn't convinced.
In an early bid to shake things up, last Friday after work, I met up with band members and crew who were celebrating the singer's girlfriend's birthday. Just meeting up with them was a break from routine. The attempted socialization was a train-wreck, and I'm not sure the foray into drugs was all that wise in that I don't think they effect me the way they do other people. I had to ask what I was supposed to be feeling and still didn't. I didn't notice anything different from alcohol and insomnia.
The day after that I had to work, and when I got to work I only had 2 hours of sleep in over 24 hours, and I thought it was gonna be another meltdown. But before work, going up in the elevator, I told myself that was not going to happen. I was going to keep it together. And I did.
I still can't sleep, but something is changing. I don't know how I'll handle it once I go back to work, but I get the feeling that this is an ordeal, and when I get through it, I will have transformed. And indeed, something needed to change.
I wouldn't be surprised if the insomnia has been an internal rebellion to the strict habits and schedules I keep falling in. I need to liberate myself from that. I get stuck. And just as I was saying to myself in frustrated exasperation, "Why the hell can't I get to sleep?", my unconscious had been getting sick of this "thing" I've become and was saying to itself in frustrated exasperation, "Why the hell is he stuck in these stupid mundanities?"
My unconsciousness and I need a better way to communicate.
These past few days of no work I've just been relaxing in my sleeplessness, knowing I didn't have to go to work. After lying in a half-daze for the whole of the nights, I think I managed to get some sleep afterwards, in the morning hours.
One idea I had for this time off was to head out of town, go down to Kenting and hang out on the beach for several days if I couldn't sleep. Probably not a good idea, since as exhausted as I was, the last thing I need to try to do was do something. Which is probably why it was a good idea, but my body wasn't convinced.
In an early bid to shake things up, last Friday after work, I met up with band members and crew who were celebrating the singer's girlfriend's birthday. Just meeting up with them was a break from routine. The attempted socialization was a train-wreck, and I'm not sure the foray into drugs was all that wise in that I don't think they effect me the way they do other people. I had to ask what I was supposed to be feeling and still didn't. I didn't notice anything different from alcohol and insomnia.
The day after that I had to work, and when I got to work I only had 2 hours of sleep in over 24 hours, and I thought it was gonna be another meltdown. But before work, going up in the elevator, I told myself that was not going to happen. I was going to keep it together. And I did.
 |
| SATURDAY, JULY 5, 5:48 a.m. - nice morning light in a part of town that isn't mine. |
 |
| 6:54 a.m. - up all night with band members and their peeps. |
Monday, July 07, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
How much weight can a body take? The weight of things unresolved, lacking closure, things started and never amounting to anything. The weight of flights of fancy that went into the Bermuda Triangle of imagination.
How long does it take for the weight of nothingness to accumulate to the point of being unbearable? Where you can't even point to where the weight is coming from, inarticulable.
How much weight do you have to bear until people agree that you should just be put out of your misery, that it's too much for them and you to stand. I know the answer to that. Few people want to put other people out of their misery. Misery loves company, after all.
It's not living I have a problem with, it's existence. No one seems to get that. I might take several days off next week and go down to Kaohsiung. See what happens.
How long does it take for the weight of nothingness to accumulate to the point of being unbearable? Where you can't even point to where the weight is coming from, inarticulable.
How much weight do you have to bear until people agree that you should just be put out of your misery, that it's too much for them and you to stand. I know the answer to that. Few people want to put other people out of their misery. Misery loves company, after all.
It's not living I have a problem with, it's existence. No one seems to get that. I might take several days off next week and go down to Kaohsiung. See what happens.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
